Etiquette and Modern Manners

Does the concept of etiquette extend beyond social graces? If we are pleasant and non-confrontational people, can we "slide" on the rest of society's social expectations? Some schools of thought say "yes". Others, who are more deeply concerned about what is "proper" would say that although this is a good start, there is a lot more to learn about what polite society expects from us.

Most of the time, the majority of us remain within

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the comforts of our own economic and social "class" where the rules of what is and isn't proper don't vary much from family to family. What is right and proper in our own social settings have been deeply ingrained; some of us may even be surprised by the rules recognized by experts as proper. People we are close to understand if we goof up or forget to send a thank you note for a gift or a kind gesture. There were probably times when those people had lapses that were overlooked by friends and loved ones as well. Close friends and families don't usually require that the people they love behave in a manner often thought of as "stiff" or "formal".

In the lives of most of us however, there are times when we will be with or around people we do not know well. These might be people who are in a different economic or social class than we are. Those people might be ones on whom we would hope to create a good impression. Those good impressions can be gotten by behavior that follows widely recognized standards of proper behavior. These recognized standards are known as etiquette. Because we do not always have a long time to prepare to make good impressions on people we would have think well of us, it is a good idea that we have a working understanding of what constitutes proper etiquette.

Some people, after they are given a gift, are quite comfortable with the idea of taking it back to the store where it was purchased for either money or store credit. Others find this practice to be unconscionable. Those who do not return gifts believe that if they were to return them, they would be perceived as ungrateful. Many think returning a gift might hurt the feelings of the

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person who gave them the gift and in many cases, this is correct. People who advocate proper etiquette know that a thank you note for the gift is in order; if they no longer have the gift, the thank you note might be considered a little deceptive.

Out of the belief that returning a gift is ungrateful comes the problem of what to do with gifts you haven't been able to use, or are not to your liking. What if you got the same item from more than one person? Some people make use of these gifts by giving them as gifts to other people. This concept is known as Regifting. The relatively new word "regifting" has been attributed to a 1995 episode of the television comedy Seinfeld. The episode is called The Label Maker:

George: The wedding is off. Now you can go to
the Super Bowl.

Jerry: I can't call Tim Whatley and ask for the
tickets back.

George: You just gave them to him two days ago,
he's gotta give you a grace period.

Jerry: Are you even vaguely familiar with the
concept of giving? There's no grace period.

George: Well, didn't he regift the label maker?

Jerry: Possibly.

George: Well, if he can regift, why can't you
degift?

Jerry: You may have a point.

George: I have a point, I have a point.

If you are someone who has gifts you have been given that you will never use and you wish to make use of them as gifts for other people, it is important that you observe some recommended suggestions about how to do it gracefully.

1)Don't tell. Friends and family want to receive gifts from you because you wanted to give them a gift, not because you felt you had to. If you tell them that you are giving them the nasty scarf Aunt Martha gave you because you'd never wear "something like that", they won't feel that the gift was given in love.
2)Rewrap the gift only after making sure you have removed all tags that were on it from the previous giver. Nothing makes a regift more obvious than a tag addressed to you from Uncle Bill remaining on the gift when it is opened by the recipient.
3)Keep track of who gave you the gift before considering regifting. You don't want to hurt Aunt Martha's feelings by giving her the same hideous scarf she gave you last Christmas, do you?
4)Don't give "used" gifts. If you used the item, even "gently", consider selling it on Ebay or giving it to the Salvation Army instead of using it as a gift to someone.

Giving a gift back to the same person who gave it to you is only acceptable when it's done as a joke, and both parties are "in on it". If you know that a friend will get a good laugh out of receiving a regifted birthday card, you can create a humor tradition with her by giving the same card back to her on her special day.

Regifting can be done successfully, but only if it's done carefully and with the same thoughts for the recipient as you'd have if you had purchased the gift for them in the first place.

In almost every culture within Western Civilization, it is considered right and proper that one sends a thank you note after receiving a gift. These notes should be handwritten and should be sent in a timely manner. By "timely", most experts agree that the note thanking a giver for a gift should be done within three weeks of having received the gift. Exception to this "three week" rule is usually given to new brides and grooms, because newly married couples often spend a week or more honeymooning after their nuptials.

Thank you notes are a relatively simple concept. The idea is to express appreciation for a thoughtful act, expression, or gift. They don't have to be long, but most experts agree that they should not be electronic. Even in today's "connected" world, there is something to be said about a tangible envelope that is sent by postal mail. An envelope that comes in the mail that is not an advertisement or a bill is a rarity. When a person takes the time to get out the stationary and personally write out a note thanking

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someone for a gift, it shows a type of caring that is not evident in an electronic piece of mail that can be written and sent within minutes. A tangible thank you note is also permanent; it can be held and read over and over and even shown to others.

Thank you notes are so important that it is not only women and etiquette experts that make use of them. It has been said that when he was campaigning, President George H.W. Bush (George W's father) carried a box of cards with him on the campaign trail everywhere he went and wrote a note immediately after each event to the volunteers or hosts.

When writing out a thank you note, it is important to make mention of the gift received or the reason the note is being given. Don't say "thanks for the lovely gift". Say, instead "thank you for the beautiful necklace. It goes very well with a pair of earrings I bought last year." Discuss how you plan on using the gift and tell the person a little bit about what it means to your relationship with them. Allude to the future. You might say something like "I am so glad you were able to come to my Christmas Party. I hope our kids can get together for ice skating in January."

Another time that it is appropriate to write a thank you note is after a prospective employee has a job interview. It has been said that it is important to get that note written and sent by return mail. The prospective employee thanks the interviewer for taking time to speak with him or her and re-establishing why he or she would be a good fit for the job. Surveys have shown that thank you cards have often given prospective employees a keen edge over other interviewees when the decision of which person to hire is made.

Thank you notes are an important aspect of culture in the Western Hemisphere, and it is vital that each person know when and how to send them.

Legend has it that the word "tip" came from a pub owner some years back who wrote the acronym on a box: To Insure Promptness. The real origin of the word comes from the 16th century. The verb "tip" meant to 'give unexpectedly' and was derived from the German word 'tippen'. Tips are also known as "gratuities"; a word which shares its roots with the word "grateful".

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Tip amounts, who they are given to, and how they are calculated vary from country to country. The discussion of tipping a subject that can create large amounts of emotion in people who are debating the issue. In the United States, it is common and expected that wait staff at restaurants, for instance, receive approximately 15% of the bill total in tip. In recent days, it has become the norm for this tip to be closer to 20%. Many states allow employers of people employed as waiters and waitresses to pay a wage that is far below the state's minimum wage because it is expected that the tips this person receives on the job will make up the difference. In other states, such as Washington State, wait staff must be paid the already high state minimum wage.

Many people who consider themselves "good tippers" do so because they remember that in years past, they were once in the same profession. A lot of these people realize that the employees rely on these tips in order to make a sufficient living. However, many of the "tippers" don't seem to think that employees in other types of restaurants (such as fast food) deserve tips; even in the states where the wait staff is ensured minimum wage. In the United States, tips are never required, but they are expected for some professions. Most people know that they are expected to leave at least a little bit of money on the table for their server; many may not know how much, exactly, to leave. But they know enough to leave something. If the service was exceptional, the tip is usually much larger. If the service was below standard, the tip is often small or non existent.

Some confusion comes about because professions besides wait staff are often tipped in countries in the Western Hemisphere, but many people don't know which professions to tip or how much tip is the norm. Taxi drivers almost always receive a tip. Hotel porters normally are tipped, as well. People who get their hair cut, colored, or permed regularly know to give their hairdressers a little something extra. However, if the person who did the styling is the salon owner, no tip is necessary.

Whether to tip someone or not can be confusing enough. How much to give the person is another question. Most people do not get services often enough to remember how much to tip each of the workers; that's why it's handy that many tipping guides exist that people can get for little or no cost. Many such guides can be acquired on the Internet.

One of the times in a person's life where it is important that he or she know proper etiquette is a wedding; either their own or someone else's. Although a wedding is a time that families and loved ones gather to share a joyous occasion with two people who are beginning a new life together, often they become times of uncertainty about what is expected and stress about how to make sure everything that is supposed to take place is accomplished.

Weddings are often one of the major focuses of etiquette guides. That is because there are societal rules regarding invitations and how to word them, gift registries and how to let people know they exist, bridal showers and the gifts given for those parties, the wedding itself and how the gifts for that occasion are given and handled, who it is normal to give smaller "thank you" type gifts to, and on and on. There are even questions about how to word the invitations to include parents of the bride and groom who might be deceased. It seems that with weddings, there are "rules" for everything.

In recent days, some of those rules seem to have

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relaxed or are disregarded by quite a few couples. One of the hard-and-fast etiquette rules regarding gift giving occasions, such as weddings, is that any mention of gifts is taboo. That means that the common practice of including gift registry information in a wedding invitation is not allowed, or is frowned upon by those more versed in old school etiquette. Many wedding guests, however, like to know what types of gifts are best for the couple and therefore welcome the information regarding the gift registry. One suggestion that has been recommended is to let a family member or close friend have the registry information and guests who inquire about it can be directed to that person.

Another conundrum that comes about during a wedding is how to word invitations so that the guests will know exactly who is included, and who is not. The accepted "rule of thumb" for people who have received invitations to someone's wedding is that unless a person's name is on the invitation, they are not invited. This includes a guest's children; many weddings are adult only affairs and children are not welcome. If an invitation is addressed to "Sue Smith" only, that means that only Sue is invited. If the invitation says "Sue Smith and Guest" that means that Sue may bring another adult or a teen aged relative to the wedding.

Many wedding invitations include an RSVP card. The requirement of this card is that you let the inviter know whether or not you will be attending. The people who are paying for the location of the wedding and reception as well as the food for this occasion need this information so they know how much space or food will be necessary. It is common for guests to ignore these RSVP cards and not let the planners know until they show up whether or not they will be attending. This is considered very bad form and puts the planners into a position of not knowing whether or not they will have enough room or food.

Weddings are festive occasions in which a couple is celebrating the most memorable day of their lives with friends and loved ones. You may not know all the expected "rules", but if you conduct yourself as politely as possible and don't expect to be allowed to bring extra guests, you shouldn't have any problems and you will most likely have a beautiful memory shared with friends and loved ones.