Personal Relationship Advice

Can your break up, divorce or partners rejection be prevented, even
though it seems like the world has ended?
Are you the only one trying?
How is it that some people take their lover back after an affair, or
unfaithfulness, or even abuse? Often, after a break up, people will try
resolving the situation by repeatedly telling their ex-partner how much
they love them.
Some of us believe the old saying that "love conquers all" and that our
love for our partner is so self-evident, that it should be enough to
save the relationship. The fact of the matter is that a one-sided loving
relationship often won't work. Your love for your ex-partner, vast as
it may very well be, just ain't enough - your ex-partner needs to love
you too.
AND, they need to love you the right way.
If your partners love for you is "on some level", "I really care for
you", or some similar plutonic reason, then this is a friend, not a
lover. Couples with this claim of love for each other, are either already
failing as partners, or have decided to settle-down and this is
"convenient" - for security reasons. Love that involves attraction,
desire, and excitement - Passion, is the romantic love that originally
brings people together, keeps them together, and brings them back
together after a breakup. When two people have this type of love for
each other they will do everything they can to keep the relationship
together. This is real "I can't live without you" love.


Revitalising "I can't live without you" love in your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/lover, is
extremely difficult because, you can't force these feelings in your
ex-partner. In fact, the harder you try to force it, the more likely
they are to run the other way. A more subtle approach is required to
recreate these feelings in your ex-partner. Often, your ex-partner is
only "reacting" to how you are acting and what you say.


After a break up, in our devastated state of mind, we sometimes manage
to convince ourselves that if we can make our ex feel sorry, or guilty
enough for us, they will want to get back together. So, we may act
sullen and depressed... wallowing in our self pity. Generally, being
pathetic. Or, we may over-dramatise - beating our breast, tearing our hair,
rending our clothes, and behaving in ways we normally wouldn't
(embarrassing on reflection) - hoping that our ex-partner will realize
just how much pain we are going through and how useless life is without
them.
All those things that made us attractive to our ex in the beginning, we
now pour all our energy into making ourselves unattractive.

We turn to desperate and counter productive approaches like this when
we feel we have no chance, viable alternatives, or available
options. Logic never comes into play. We are hurt. Be mindful though,
these self-destructive acts negatively impact upon your life and damage
any chance of getting your ex back. The more out-of-character you act,
the more certain they become that they made a HUGE mistake
ever taking up with you in the first place! In order to have
any chance of reconciliation, the first things to do are, temper any
irrational behavior and set aside self pity. Refuse to sink into
negative feelings and behaviors. As comfortable as self pity is, it's
not helping you get back with your ex, achieve your goals, or create
the life you want.


Considering there is no "get your ex back" night school, you may wish to visit The Magic of Making Up

Love or lust? Are you sure that you and your partner have been sharing an authentic romantic relationship? Sometimes, a relationship is based more on lust than true love. In this case, it may still hurt a little bit when it's over, but it's much easier to get over the breakup. If it was true love, then the tips that follow should answer your question of "how to get over a breakup?"

It's never pleasant to be in love with another person, only for them to tell you they don't feel the same about you anymore. It's hard when this happens. It's hard to let go of the relationship. When dealing with the subject of how to get over a break up, the first thing you have to do is to switch your way of thinking.

Instead of thinking of your past relationship; learn how to get over a breakup by distracting yourself and shifting your thoughts to some other things. Focusing on your work (but don't get overwhelmed) may help. If you don't want to throw yourself into your work, then it's time for you to take up a new activity or hobby. Spend some time with friends you haven't been able to hang out with in a long time. Start going to new places, that you may have wanted to go to, but never had the time or the chance to go to.

If you keep an active lifestyle you will be able to forget your ex for a while (and then you will be able to forget them totally). As you allow yourself to be in the company of others and do other activities, you will help yourself heal faster.

Another tip on how to get over a breakup is to talk to someone who you completely trust. You'll be able to talk about all your feelings and emotions with them. Sometimes it helps to just talk and let the bottled up feelings come out. It's better to let your sadness, bitterness, and/or anger come out; instead of bottling it up and letting them eat you up inside. By talking it out with someone you trust, you'll be able to "detoxify" your emotions.

While it's okay to take some time to recoup from a breakup, don't let it ruin your life. It's important that you don't just lie around the house and don't do anything. Use your family and friends as support. Don't beat yourself up mentally over the breakup. The longer you dwell on the relationship and what went wrong, the harder it will be for you to recover and move on.

The best advice on how to get over a breakup, is to make sure you take care of yourself. It may be hard to do, but you have to ensure you're eating properly and you're getting enough rest. Exercise is also a great way to help get rid of some of your negative feelings and will help you feel better faster. If you don't eat properly or get enough rest, you'll feel worse than you already do. After a break up it's hard enough to think clearly, let alone when you are not providing your body with proper sleep and nutrition.

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"But I Love You So Much"

After a break up, many people will try to repair the relationship by repeatedly telling their ex how much they love them:

"We can't break up... I love you!"

"If you knew how much I loved you, you wouldn't leave."

"I love you. If you leave me I'll be miserable."

Perhaps because of messages we get from society, some of us are under the impression that "love conquers all" so our love should be enough to save our relationship. The unfortunate fact is that loving relationships often don't work. Your love for your ex, in itself, is not enough to bring you back together. For the relationship to have a chance your ex needs to love you too. But even that isn't enough - they need to love you the right way. To keep things simple I'll generalize love into two categories:

There is "I-care-about-you" love. This is the platonic love you may feel for a close friend or a family member. This love may involve such feelings as sympathy or pity and it is not romantic, sexual, or involve any kind of attraction. A couple who has only this type of love for each other is probably on the verge of a break up or settling for security reasons.

Then there is "I-need-to-be-with-you" love. This love involves attraction, desire, and excitement. This is the romantic, passionate love that brings people together, keeps them together, and brings them back together after a breakup. When two people have this type of love for each other they are willing to work on the relationship instead of leaving it.

And herein lies the solution and the challenge... rekindling "I-need-to-be-with-you" love in your ex. It's extremely difficult because you can't force your ex to have these feelings for you. In fact, the harder you try to force it, the less likely they are to feel this way (this is what I call the paradox of attraction)! Your role in recreating this feeling in your ex has to be more indirect. That isn't to say that you have no control. In many ways your ex is only reacting to you. You can influence how they react by controlling how you present yourself and what you say. There are very specific things that you can do to improve your chances of getting back your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend. Repeatedly telling your ex that you love them is definitely not one of them.

Looking for sympathy

When you first met your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, do you think they were attracted to you because you were depressed? Did you strive to be unhappy around them? Did they respect you because of your self pity and broken spirit? It's unlikely because these are not the qualities or behaviors that people find attractive in a potential girlfriend or boyfriend. We find the exact opposite attractive... strong, upbeat, friendly, and motivated people are one's that we want to be with in a romantic relationship.

But, in an anguished post break up mental state, we somehow convince ourselves that if we can make our ex feel sorry enough for us they will want to get back together. So, we may act sullen and depressed... wallowing (as dramatically as possible) in our self pity. Or, we may act out - getting very upset and behaving in ways we normally wouldn't (often doing stupid things we regret later) - hoping that our ex will realize just how much pain the break up is causing us and how hard it is for us to live without them. Basically, we do the opposite of what brought us together with our girlfriend or boyfriend in the first place! While we should be making ourselves more attractive, instead, we pour all our energy into making ourselves unattractive.

If you take a step back and look at what is really happening, it's easy to see that this isn't at all logical or productive. Not only do these self-destructive acts negatively impact your life, it hurts your chances of ever getting them back. The more ridiculous you act, the more sure they become they made the right decision by leaving you. We turn to desperate and counter productive approaches like this when we feel we have no solid plan, viable alternatives, or available options.

For those who are willing to set their self pity aside there is a better way of getting back an ex. Refuse to sink into negative feelings and behaviors. Depression and self pity aren't helping you get back with your ex, achieve your goals, or create the life you want.

Consider your partners motives

When you are feeling angry, hurt or betrayed because of something your partner has said or done, first take a moment for quiet reflection. Then ask yourself the following question: "Do I believe deep in my heart that my partner intended to insult me?" If you believe it was his/her intention to hurt or anger you, then it would be wise to move forward with therapy or another form of intervention. On the other hand, if you truly see no ill will, then it becomes easier to proceed toward forgiveness.

You both need to take responsibility for your own behavior. Focus on taking a step back when you are hurt or you illicit hurtful statements to your partner.
A great book to help with these problems: Mend your broken heart and bring back your lover!

Getting back with your ex again, is always possible. However, a great many people fall into the trap of a number of obvious mistakes, in their strategy.

* Pushing

You cannot force love. The more you try to make your Ex love you, or accept you again - the faster they will run in the other direction.

* Begging

Not only is this highly embarrassing to your ex-partner and anyone within earshot, it will come back to haunt you. Your own confidence, self-esteem and dignity, will take a nose-dive. Apart from being just plain pathetic, it also potrays you as being weak. AND, it won't work!

* Alchohol

Drowning our sorrows is an inalienable right, for anyone who has been emotionally devastated by a break-up .Getting drunk, will win you no brownie-points though. With alchohol clouding your already confused and bruised soul, you are even more likely to do or say something really dumb - if not out-right embarrassing to all and sundry. Alchohol and anger,or violence often go hand-in-hand, too. Don't make things worse. Just don't be drinking when important matters are up for consideration!

* The Telephone and the Drink

DO NOT even THINK about it!! Nothing worse than a maudlin, ranting and raving drunk on the other end of the phone.

* Apologizing

Be careful here. It generally takes two people to ruin a relationship, be it with your lover, boy/girl friend, husband, or wife. Saying you're sorry is always a good start to the healing process, but avoid taking the blame for everything that was wrong with your relationship, as this may convince your ex that you are just no good. Although the break-up may indeed be all down to you - it's not your fault if it rained every time you went on a picnic.

* Bad-mouthing

Your ex-partners friends are not going to like you anymore, they will take sides and it will not be yours. Friends do that, that's why they are friends. Solidarity and all that. Should you be unfortunate enough to be informed of negative advice, about you, by your ex's friends - wear it. Getting defensive, or even worse, bad-mouthing them in return, will only make things worse, for you. Your ex will be compelled to defend the friends and create another reason to dislike you. If you are going to succeed at winning back your ex, accept these views gracefully. You don't have to like it, or agree, just accept - don't compete, then at least you will have retained some dignity.

* Settling for Less

Speaking of Dignity, do try and not grab the first available warm body, in an effort to make your ex-partner jealous. This will not work, and there are a number of colourful but rude names applied to this sort of person. Being strong and self sustained in this matter, indicates to your ex that they are the only one you are interested in.

* The Leper in You

Relying on your friends, as a shoulder to cry on sure is comforting. But try not to over-burden them to the point, where they see you coming and hide. We all know the person who bangs on about their ex at every available opportunity. Given that this is often a normal part of the grieving process and cathartic, it is not necessary - don't let it be you. Be a grown-up.

* Self Aggrandisement

Telling tales, embarrassing stories, or rumour-mongoring about your ex, will only come back to haunt you. The "he said/she said" game is best left where it belongs - in the school-ground. This can have a snowball-effect and things can get blown out of all proportion. If you are going to start telling little lies - remember that you must keep telling them, to cover the previous ones - AND you had better have an enormous memory to keep up with them all. A Rule to Live by: "If you don't have something nice to say, then don't say anything."

* The F-Word is an N-Word

Avoid using the word "friends". It's a No-No. Ultimately, you are trying to get back together, in your "relationship".
So call it that, manifest your desire - it's a "relationship". Calling yourselves "friends" is a backward step and you may just keep on going in that direction.

* The Ghost in You

Try to avoid going to "those places we used to go". Or some place that you know your ex-partner will be. This will not appear as a "coincidence".
You cannot just casually re-join the "old group", you have a history now. Guaranteed, if you try this tactic - everyone will go quiet, immediately after they have said their uncomfortable hello's. Apart from making a fool of yourself, what are you going to do next? Well, you could just leave and retain at least some of dignity. But, you won't, will you? No, your going to go sit at the bar on your lonesome, sadly sipping at your drink. Wow, what a tragic sight - surely someone will see just-how-much-your-hurting and offer some succour? This will not garner you one ounce of sympathy! You are only going to look pathetic! Just don't do it!!

* "I just don't care anymore"

Okay, you have felt better. Actually you feel like crap. Who cares what you look, or smell like? Well actually, your ex does. He/she will be seeing how you fare, you are supposed to be trying to get back there, not advertising that you are a lost cause. Don't give up on your appearance. This is the time to look your best. Start working out, get some new clothes, and focus on improving yourself. You need to show the world what your ex is missing, you are one prime catch.

* The Plan

There is no plan, no rules, no "getting-back-together-class" - you have to do this all-by-your-self. Starting with small goals like, keeping up your appearance, or staying sober, try to acheive these things everyday. Then move on to those that are a little more difficult, like creating a happy environment around yourself - buy yourself a bunch of flowers every Tuesday. It's a small thing, but it helps - try it.

* Try

Quite possibly the hardest thing to accomplish when you are feeling so devastated - You Must Try. Sitting around, wallowing in self-pity and remorse, will not bring your ex back.
Hopefully, the words above have given you an insight into what not to do, when trying to get back with your ex again.
There is more information to be found on "Getting back with your ex again" if you would like to visit: The Magic of Making Up