I know you want abs, pecks, and steel butt buns; and I'm going to give you a simple lesson in extreme exercise.
That's right, these tips aren't for pansies. These tips are for the insane! And you'd be insane not to use these tips...so...I lost my train of thought. But I also lost 160 pounds.
That's right, I just dumped my girlfriend; I am single, ladies, and we can start a sweat, if you know what I mean. AND YOU DO!!!
The normal fatty tries to lose weight by jogging and crunches. I'm here to tell you IT DOESN'T WORK. At least not as well as my awesome plan.
(Please consult a doctor and psychologist before using any EXTREME weight loss plan.)
Diet Tips for Fatty
Ok, your metabolism has probably shrunk because of years of cake and chalupas. Dieting won't be enough to jump start it back into action.
You need my tips to create a nutritional diet.
1. Hunt Your Own Food
When was the last time you picked up a spear? I find the spear to be a blessing on several levels. Primarily, it's free food. Even better, I didn't have to pay for gas. I ate a hawk for lunch, and so far no bird disease.
The best thing is that I have found a way to pump up my cardiovascular health and eat a cheap and nutritious meal.
2. Don't Eat like in Biblical Times
I saw the Ten Commandments, those guys were lean and mean. Boost your health by not eating. It's not anorexia if you call it a "fast" like Jesus did.
3.Steal Food from Vicious Carnivores
Now there are some that have an ethical dilemma with this diet. I call them fatties. Look, I'm not saying stealing is ok...but if you happen to see a tiger eating a gazelle, get in there and take that succulent gazelle flesh! The run from the tiger will also help drop some lard from your butt.
There you have it, 3 great tips for an excellent diet. Scroll down for some exercise tips that will boost your heart health!
You need my tips to create a nutritional diet.
1. Hunt Your Own Food
When was the last time you picked up a spear? I find the spear to be a blessing on several levels. Primarily, it's free food. Even better, I didn't have to pay for gas. I ate a hawk for lunch, and so far no bird disease.
The best thing is that I have found a way to pump up my cardiovascular health and eat a cheap and nutritious meal.
2. Don't Eat like in Biblical Times
I saw the Ten Commandments, those guys were lean and mean. Boost your health by not eating. It's not anorexia if you call it a "fast" like Jesus did.
3.Steal Food from Vicious Carnivores
Now there are some that have an ethical dilemma with this diet. I call them fatties. Look, I'm not saying stealing is ok...but if you happen to see a tiger eating a gazelle, get in there and take that succulent gazelle flesh! The run from the tiger will also help drop some lard from your butt.
There you have it, 3 great tips for an excellent diet. Scroll down for some exercise tips that will boost your heart health!
Extreme Exercise Tips
Here are five ways to exercise to the MAX!
Work Your Legs!
Jump from an Explosion.
This is our most popular exercise routine. It's simple too.
Find a building, car, or phone booth that is ready to explode.
Depending on your skill level, you should either stand inside or nearby.
Just before it explodes, start a light jog away from the building, car, or phone booth.
Simultaneously with the explosion, inhale and leap forward avoiding any flames or flying debris.
Work Your Upper Body Strength!
Use an M2 Browning Machine Gun to Shoot Down an Entire Evil Militia.
The M2 Browning Machine Gun is a giant gun that will make your balls shine like brass. Rambo used it in his last film, and you should use it in your extreme exercise routine.
You'll need to locate and purchase an M2 Browning Machine Gun.
You'll need to travel to a country with ruthless militias and drug lords - South America is nice this time of year.
Point gun at members of the militia, pull the trigger, hold onto your fatty nuts.
More Leg Work - Speed!
Piss off a Kenyan.
Those guys can run fast. You piss one of them off, you better start running and fast.
You'll probaby be caught the first few times, but that's ok. Well, not ok. The Kenyan and his other friends will probably beat your ass. But that's just motivation to run faster next time!
TIP: Beginners should look for fatty Kenyans to piss off. These fatty Kenyans will probably weigh 115 pounds, which should slow them down a little.
Extreme Pull Ups
Hang from the side of a speeding 18 Wheeler.
This exercise routine is for experts only!
You need to locate a truck that is speeding.
Ready yourself on a bridge that is in the path of the speeding truck.
Once the truck is near, leap from the bridge onto the truck.
Then hold for dear life.
For a great work out, find a truck being chased by police cars. Most likely, the truck driver is an escaped convict. Thus, the officers will shoot at the truck.
TIP: Avoiding Bullets will keep your mind alert during any exercise.
Work Your Legs!
Jump from an Explosion.
This is our most popular exercise routine. It's simple too.
Find a building, car, or phone booth that is ready to explode.
Depending on your skill level, you should either stand inside or nearby.
Just before it explodes, start a light jog away from the building, car, or phone booth.
Simultaneously with the explosion, inhale and leap forward avoiding any flames or flying debris.
Work Your Upper Body Strength!
Use an M2 Browning Machine Gun to Shoot Down an Entire Evil Militia.
The M2 Browning Machine Gun is a giant gun that will make your balls shine like brass. Rambo used it in his last film, and you should use it in your extreme exercise routine.
You'll need to locate and purchase an M2 Browning Machine Gun.
You'll need to travel to a country with ruthless militias and drug lords - South America is nice this time of year.
Point gun at members of the militia, pull the trigger, hold onto your fatty nuts.
More Leg Work - Speed!
Piss off a Kenyan.
Those guys can run fast. You piss one of them off, you better start running and fast.
You'll probaby be caught the first few times, but that's ok. Well, not ok. The Kenyan and his other friends will probably beat your ass. But that's just motivation to run faster next time!
TIP: Beginners should look for fatty Kenyans to piss off. These fatty Kenyans will probably weigh 115 pounds, which should slow them down a little.
Extreme Pull Ups
Hang from the side of a speeding 18 Wheeler.
This exercise routine is for experts only!
You need to locate a truck that is speeding.
Ready yourself on a bridge that is in the path of the speeding truck.
Once the truck is near, leap from the bridge onto the truck.
Then hold for dear life.
For a great work out, find a truck being chased by police cars. Most likely, the truck driver is an escaped convict. Thus, the officers will shoot at the truck.
TIP: Avoiding Bullets will keep your mind alert during any exercise.
Legal
To Avoid Lawsuits
This Lens was created by Code Red Improv as a joke. Basically, if you piss off a Kenyan, it's your own damn fault.Do you want to book an Improv show in Dallas, TX?
Visit the link below!
Laugh the Pounds Off with Code Red Improv
- Code Red Improv | Dallas, TX
- This is our main website with information about upcoming shows, the guys, and how to book private performances.
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