Are you afraid?

What are you afraid of
What is it that fills you with fear
The thought of me screaming
where nobody else will hear
Where did this fear come from
This fear that fills your head
If i could answer that
I suppose i wouldn't dread
This fear i have it is so real
And yes you may well snigger
But anything can bring it on
There is not just the one trigger
I am very scared of sleeping
or is my fear of waking
All i know is that it's real
And no i am not faking
I hope one day to overcome
And my fears will become my past
How long till then i have no idea
of just how long they will last
They've been with me for so long
Perhaps they will never leave
But i cannot think along those lines
And yes i really do believe
That there is an exit for them
Somewhere there IS a door
A time that i shall be free of them
And i shant be scared any more
All i can do is sit and wait
untill that door appears
Its the one thing i am not terrified of
The exit from my fears

I feel that my life's a contradiction
I know that it's fact although it reads like fiction
Im quite sure that I must have sold my soul
and feel that im in a goldfish bowl
Everything I do can be heard and seen
and I know that I shall never feel clean
I give myself, yet feel that i'm used
Maybe all that i'm good for is being abused
Inside myself I would love to know love
Yet I know that there is a God above
I wish i'd known sooner but now it's too late
And by selling my soul I have sealed my own fate
I blame myself, it's entirely my fault
I offered my soul to the devil...and he bought
I go over and under it trying to make sense
of why I sold my soul but at my own expense
So now all my days are contradicting
Confined within myself which is so restricting
Everything I do I know I must pay
For every good..I must have a bad day
When you see and hear me laughing and joking
deep down where my soul was I feel that I am choking
I may make you laugh and you might think that i'm funny
But it all has a price and it isn't of money
I'm a split personality, i'm no longer whole
This is the price that i'm paying
For selling my soul

I first ever felt the intensity of absolute fear when I was eighteen years old and I watched "Nightmare on Elm Street" The main two characters were Freddie Krugger and Tina Gray.

Tina Gray also being my own name and at that time I lived on Gray street. After I saw the movie I was petrified even to go to the toilet alone and began forcing myself to stay awake for fear of having a nightmare on Gray street, and would stay up whilst my family slept...often cleaning the house rigourously so that my hands blistered and hurt which in turn prevented me from dropping off to sleep.

This then became an obsessional behaviour problem for me and I was finally diagnosed as having OCD.

Then when I had children of my own my nightmares really began as I was always so tired that I inevitably eventually drifted off to sleep only for a few hours untill one of my babies woke up to be fed, but thankfully before I usually had a nightmare.

And my OCD seemed under control for about three years because as soon as my 1st born slept through the night the nightmares returned with a vengeance along with the OCD which I needed to keep awake.This I soon realised could all stop again if I had another baby so this I did as soon as I could and so came peace for another 18 months for me again.

I'm not blaming scary movies for causing my OCD but I do blame them for giving me the fear which I still battle with today...25 years after watching Nightmare On Elmstreet.

I had watched a few scary movies before Nightmare On Elm Street such as Friday the 13th, The Exorcist and Carrie but although they did have me scared whilst watching them I didn't feel frightened afterwards. Due to the main charcater of "Nightmare" being Tina Gray, this is what my fear stemmed from...and it has grown and grown from there even though I haven't watched any scary movies since then whatsoever, and now cannot even watch everyday TV AT ALL and haven't watched it for the past 4-5 years or so for fear of seeing something scary which will "trigger" off another fear episode for me, a thing which I have had to adapt my entire life to such extremes to avoid.

Unfortunately though I cannot do the same about my now full-blown OCD as it's with me...and as hard as I try I just cannot avoid myself. And again I'm not blaming scary movies for my OCD as I think I've always been obsessive compulsive since a child but it went undiagnosed because OCD wasn't recognised back then and my excessive compulsions were seen as "orderly" and "gifted".

I didn't begin to clean untill I bled untill after I watched the "Nightmare" movie, and of course that was the start of my own personal nightmare because I just couldn't get the movie out of my head which in turn led to my OCD becomming more and more extreme and going from task to task attempting to rid the movie from my mind by becomming so obsessed with other things ( I could'nt have been so wrong). I still have the fear and the OCD still has me...only now it's grip is so much tighter as is the grip of fear which now is my biggest obsessive compulsion which I have tried to explain in a seperate lens to this one here: http://www.squidoo.com/ocd_addiction_and_me .