Finding Your Way Back From Depression

I received this today from Cherie to clarify a mistake I made (and have now corrected) in the above post: October 17, 2011.

" we lost my husband to a heart attack in February. He did suffer for most of his life with depression, often taking his feelings out on me with verbal abuse and occasional physical abuse.
Because of this illness my husband and son became estranged and when my husband died my son shut off his feelings and put himself wholeheartedly into work and school. Then in the last of August he started getting anxiety attacks and losing confidence in himself. He started talking about suicide and so I took him into the emergency room. They asked him if he had a specific plan on how to kill himself, they called in a counselor who asked him the same question. He said no, that he had a few ideas but nothing concrete, so they pronounced him not a threat to himself and sent him home with an appointment to see a counselor the next day. It turned out that this meeting was just for the purpose of filling out paperwork concerning the financial issues of getting help. He then was set up with an appointment for two weeks later. By that time his depression worsened. He was seen every two weeks. As he was getting worse the counselor suggested that I take him to a local Dr. to get medication to help him through his depression. She even went so far as to go to the Dr.s office and let him know what was needed.
The Dr. prescribed At....n and Ce....a. One week later I found my son face down on the kitchen floor, passed out. It turned out that he had taken too much of his two prescribed meds and approximately 35 Ty.....l. He spent the weekend in the hospital detoxing from the tylenol and then a week in a psychiatric hospital. We went to visit and found him very animated and excited and ready to go home. The Dr took him off of Ativan but kept him on the C.e.l.e.x.a. I made sure he took his medicine every day and I saw him on this roller coaster of emotion. Some days he was going to work, helping around the house and very communicative. Other days he was hiding under his bed, hiding in his closed car or just not getting out of bed. I called for help when he got to the point where he wasn't eating, sleeping all day and not leaving his room. The question from the professionals was "is he taking his medication?" I said he was and they'd say well he has an appointment coming up we'll see him soon. Or they'd suggest that if I thought it was an emergency they'd send the Sheriff to come pick him up and force and evaluation on him. I wanted to give him the opportunity to pull out of this funk and decided to wait.
The next day he had left his room and I thought he'd gotten another jump on trying to feel better. I even went so far as to check to see if his car was at work. It was so I went about my day as scheduled. I got home and found that he still hadn't returned. I went to his work and found his car still there but was unable to get in. I called his co-worker who had a key to the building. While I waited for him to get there the custodians let me in. I found my son dead at work.
After the initial shock and horror started to dull, I looked up his medication and found a "black Box warning" on Ce....a. "Ce....a may lead to an increased risk of suicide in young persons, from children, through adolescence and into young adulthood." This comes as too little, too late.
Thank you for helping me get this message out there. This is like trying to stand in front of a freight train and make it stop. I felt so helpless and angry that the professionals I called for help didn't connect the drug with his worsening condition.
I hope that more people can get real help."

***Go to http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001041/ to see information about Ce....a and the Warning on this government site.***

**Additional Note: Due to Squidoo Policy, the names of the medications have been altered.

Depression is never easy. You see so many ads on TV about how depression affects the others around you, but to be honest, it is hardest on the person who is depressed. When life has thrown a curve ball that is hard to handle, it is hard to keep those awful thoughts at bay. When family and friends react negatively, because they don't understand, it just compounds the challenges set before you. You get to feeling as if no one in the world understands what you are going through or that they just don't care. Often, the later couldn't be farther from the truth! They do care, they just don't know what to do to try to help you...and it often breaks their hearts too.

In my experience, I have found very little help from those around me, but not because they didn't care. You see, most people just aren't equipped to handle hearing about the same problem over and over and over and over again. When we are depressed about something, it becomes like a stuck, broken record in our heads and just won't go away until we find the answers we seek. Sometimes, the answers we are looking for will just never come to us or the situation will always be confusing for us. At these times, it becomes even harder to rise above the deep dark well we find ourselves in day after day. Fear not! There really is hope!

As I walk along these lonely, dark roads, I have found that a few simple things really do help me to keep from completely giving up. First, I never give up talking with God. No, I don't hear replies in the normal sense of things, but if I keep my eyes and ears open, I do find ways that he tries to answer me in the beauty of a flower, the storm that rolls in, the comforting lick of a loving dog, the snuggle of that caring cat, or the wonderful words of a stranger who knows absolutely nothing about what I am going through. For me, God is all that is good in this world! I see him in the sparkling eyes of an excited child, the loving hug of a dear friend, the wonderful smell of a freshly opened rose on a bright summer day, the heavenly smell of fresh baked bread and so very many other day to day things around me. For this reason, I hold him dearly close to my heart, because for me, he is all that is good in this world.

Second, I find that no matter how down I feel, getting up and opening the curtains all throughout my home can be a remarkable way of helping me take baby steps towards the light. What I mean is, when you stay in bed and give in to the tide that washes over you, it has a tendency to carry you away and keep you submerged in darkness. No matter how hard, GET UP!!! LET SOME LIGHT IN!!! And if you do nothing else, each day it will slowly become a welcome thing. Don't let the darkness creep into everything around you...force the light into your life and mind. Remember, no one else can do this for you...you must be pro-active in finding your way back to the you, you know is there inside.

Third, force your mind to wander to other thoughts. What I mean is, talk with God, but don't always talk about what bothers you. Force yourself to talk to him about the things that you are thankful for in your life (or were at one time) even if it is merely thanking him for another day (in spite of feeling like you don't want another day). Make your mind go to another subject...one that used to bring you pleasure. If you can't find one, keep searching your mind...it will come. Force the negative thoughts out of your head little by little...baby steps...one thought at a time. If possible, find how what you are going through might be used to help another in the future. I believe when we take the focus off of the negativity in our life, we start to see the positive ways that we might use that negative to do good things.

Fourth, as hard as it is, make yourself get up and do the normal everyday things that you need to do in your life. Get your body moving! Don't give in to just wallowing in your misery...allow yourself a little time for this, but don't let it become all that you do. We have to grieve when we are sad, but we also have to pick ourselves up by the collar and set ourselves back on our feet. Your mind may not be ready to take on things like budgeting and paying bills, but you can make yourself do physical things that really take very little thought...wash windows, wash walls, take a walk and enjoy your surroundings, rearrange furniture, clean out a closet, work in your garden....just do something that is physical to get your body moving again.

Fifth, when you are ready (but don't take too long) reach out and talk with someone other than just close family and friends. These days, there are numerous Free Online Counseling Chats that you can utilize for a temporary help. I have used these to help at just letting my misery out. They are not a long term solution, but they can be helpful on really tough days. There are many out there and some are even Christian based if this is what you would rather seek out. This is a good place to start, especially if you are "one of the millions of Americans without good health insurance" these days. Another great alternative is a pastor...pastors are trained in the art of helping others and being an ear...sometimes, this is all we need for a while to help us cope.

Just a few last thoughts for the moment...watch something funny, read a good funny book (like Fatherhood by Bill Cosby--based on his humor and not a guide to parenting), find things to bring a smile to your face or laugh no matter how small. This may seem difficult at first, but it gets easier as long as you don't give up. At first, you may find that nothing seems funny, that everything seems dry and humorless. Don't give up, just keep trying to get your mind to let go of the depressive thoughts and seek out that little silver lining that shines around the stormy clouds that have come your way. In time, you will find that a little smile will creep into your heart whether it shows on your face at first or not. Eventually, you will actually notice that a smile crosses your face and a laugh will bubble forth from what seems a strange and foreign place. Remember, you are still in there someplace...you just need to push yourself to find you again!

I am in hopes that somewhere in all of this, you may find something that is encouraging and helpful to you. Know in your heart that you are not alone. There are many people just like you that are suffering every day...I am one of them. Also know, in spite of my own challenges, my heart is praying that you will find your way back to life from the pit you have found yourself struggling to get out from inside. It is not an easy road at all and probably one of the most difficult you will ever face in your lifetime. Please don't let Depression win. You may never know the lives you have touched along the way or the ones you will touch in the future, but know that you are special and will touch someone's life somewhere along the way, so--YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!!!

I repeat, I am not a counselor or licensed professional, but hope that my words may have given you an idea of how to help yourself and be pro-active in your own journey back to living life to it's fullest. I am an ear for any who don't know where to begin and just need someone to perhaps give encouragement in a time of great need. I would be more than happy to hear from you and offer what assistance I may, if nothing more than being a sounding board for you to let out what bothers you when you don't have any idea where to turn. Perhaps, God will use me to be the voice of a stranger that has the words you need to hear right now...perhaps, I can be used to lead you to that stranger...only you will know in the end.

THERE IS HOPE FOR A BRIGHTER TOMORROW!!! YOU ARE SPECIAL AND DESERVE TO LIVE & BE HAPPY!!!

It's 3AM and you find yourself tossing and turning while those horrible thoughts rack your mind and body...yes, even your body as lack of sleep can really take it's toll on you. It's another long night and you just can't seem to sleep. I have found myself so tired, thought I could finally go to bed and get a little rest. When I lay down...BAMM...here come those awful thoughts and the tears and I am wide awake again. It has been so bad at times that I just had to get up again and try to sidetrack my mind, yet once again. This is not fun at all when the clock is striking 2, 3, 4 AM and everyone in the world seems to be resting fine, but you. But what is fun when you are depressed? So, what can you do?

WARNING: Lack of sleep and extra stress do take a toll on your health. If you already have health issues, they will appear to get worse. If you don't have health issues that you are aware of, your body will start talking to you and telling you. What may be a small issue now, needs to be recognized and a pro-active stance must be taken for the long haul. For me, headaches are a very bad issue as I get migraines. Anyone who has them can tell you, they...for lack of a better word...suck! Knowing stress is your enemy is very important when you suffer from migraines and when you are depressed, you are stressed! As a long term sufferer, I can honestly tell you, it is very important to find out what triggers your migraines so you can avoid those triggers as much as possible. This is not something that will get rid of the ones that come from added stress, but knowing them will help you in the treatment of them. Fortunately, I know my migraines. This helps me keep them at bay a bit during this stressful time. I have learned when I can stop the mild headaches from going full blown migraine and when I am going to have to rely on the pain medicine I so dearly despise taking. No matter what health issues you have, it is very important to listen to your body at this time because lack of sleep will hurt you further.

There are many things you can do for sleeplessness, but for each person, it is a little different. For me, prayer does help a lot on a bad night, but I have to admit, sometimes that isn't enough to chase the thoughts away. On those nights, I am forced to get up again and do something...anything...just to put my mind to rest. The key is...you really do need that rest for your body and mind to heal. Without it, things only appear worse.

When I pray, I try to keep it to prayers of thanks for the good things that are in my life...the love of those who do care what is going on (and about me, of course), my home (no matter that it isn't a mansion or big house, it is home), for giving me another day (even when I don't feel it was a good one), and life itself. I also say prayers that ask God to take the awful thoughts from me long enough for me to get some of that much needed rest. It does work for me, but there are those times when even the prayers are not answered timely and I am left to a sleepless night.

Warm showers, a soaking warm bath and a good read may help. These things will help to relax your mind and body. Pamper yourself in little ways. Light a candle that is scented with your favorite aroma (I happen to make candles so I don't have a problem with having one around), have a glass of wine (if that is what you like) or a mixed drink of some kind (normally, I am not a drinker, but have found having 1 drink will help me relax--but I caution you: DON'T LEAN ON ALCOHOL!) or perhaps an old fashioned glass of warm milk (I prefer mine cold though, which isn't the same).

I happen to crochet which is something quiet to do in the wee hours of the morning that will actually accomplish something. It is a way that I can keep my hands busy, watch something grow before my eyes with each stitch and make something for someone I Love. With each stitch, I try to think about the Love I have for the person whom I am making the blanket (usually what I make). Right now, I am making wonderful bright rainbow colored blankets with hearts and crosses that I designed for my grandchildren...perhaps I will make some to sell in the future as I get great compliments on them. Anyway, it is one thing I do to help put my mind to rest.

Another thing I try is to get back to the comedy thing. I will find a late night comedy that I normally like and watch it. This brings humor and something else for my mind to focus on when restless. At first, the short sitcoms are a great way to get started because you don't have to watch something long and drawn out that you need to keep up with in your head. Then, later, move on to a movie...some of my favorites are: The Bounty Hunter, Groundhog Day, and almost anything Adam Sandler. Of course, my taste in comedy is probably different from yours' as we are all different and that is what makes this world so great.

Remember, you will need to force the good feelings back into your life so, learn to reach for things that made you happy before you fell into this pit. Somewhere, that person still exists and is trying to get out and enjoy life again. It takes time to put your mind to rest when it has been jolted into what seems another reality far away from our normal existence. It is good to have a support system, but even with the best of these, there will be those late nights when your best support system is not available to you. At these times, it is up to you to find the weapons that work best for you in the wee small hours of the morning when the rest of the world is resting peacefully (we hope).

Yeah, I know, it sounds a little crazy. Let me tell you, it has been helpful at helping my creative side wake up again. For someone who is creative, depression can really hurt this side because it stops what makes them flow and tick. In my experience, creative people tend to be sensitive people, so are therefore more prone to bouts with depression. This tends to hold true in myself. I am creative in many ways and very sensitive. Squidoo has been a great therapy for me because of this side to my complicated, yet simple, personality. So, exactly how has it been therapeutic for me?

First, it was a place I found that I could get out what bothered me...and I have to admit, a bit anonymously...as my story isn't easy to talk about. Then, as I became drawn into the wonderful world of Squidoo, I found kindred spirits and so encouragement comes from the hearts of strangers. I am not alone in suffering, just in my own particular suffering. As I wander through the pages...sometimes using Squidu (the wonderful help center)...I stumble across things that I share interest in, but may have a twist to the concepts I find...hmm, suddenly, I find that creative wheel in the back of my mind getting greased and starting to turn once again.

For a sensitive and creative person, Squidoo can be a wonderful way to help you find your way out of a dark place. As you browse through these pages, you will find many kindred spirits who are also using this place to be therapeutic to them. Sound off! Tell the world! Be creative! Squidoo is remarkably easy to use and walks you through things simply...I am definitely not a pro here, but it is fun learning at a pace I am comfortable with and still getting some good results. (I may have to do a lens on how easy it has been for me to learn so others might be less intimidated and want to try it for themselves.)

**{Oh, and a neat little perk here is you can learn to take your expressions of creativity and perhaps earn a little money in the long run...don't expect it right away though.}

October 17, 2011--I just celebrated my birthday yesterday...how old I am is not important, but I can tell you I am not a spring chicken nor an old geezer. Lol (laugh out loud)

Due to recent events, I have been struggling with the depression threatening me with it's darkness once again. Actually, it has never really left completely this time, but I have been successful, most days, to keep it at bay thanks to Squidoo and practicing the things I write about here. As I have floated through these past few weeks, I have dreaded this birthday because of those circumstances. In the past, my birthday has never been a "big deal" with all the fluff, but usually a simple family affair. This year, with a broken family, it was not something I looked forward to "celebrating". I just did not feel up to it.

Friday, my best friend asked if I would like to go with her, her daughter with her boyfriend, and her triplet grand-daughters to Cheaha State Park for the day. When I talked with my husband (as I didn't know what he might have planned) he encouraged me to go...his gift to me was a new camera that I so dearly wanted to help with pictures for here and to dabble with photography further. (I may have to do a review on it...it's a Cannon A3300 IS...I absolutely love it!) What an opportunity to play with my new toy!

In spite of not really having the heart, I agreed to go as I felt it would be a good thing for me to get out...especially with people whom I love dearly and always feel relaxed around. So, off we went! What a beautiful place and wonderful day! Only problem...I played with the camera early that morning and ran the battery down more than I thought...hence, just as we were getting to some great spots...my battery died. Oh, but the day was still well worth it! In fact, I have plans to go back in a couple of weeks, well prepared (I have already ordered 2 more back-up batteries), for a day of shooting awesome fall foliage colors (they had just started and should be at their peak by then).

Thoughts: When someone invites you to a day of seeing God's beauty in person...accept the invitation, go, and you will be surprised at how up-lifting it can be for your broken spirit. Just be sure it is with people whom you enjoy being around on a normal basis. Sharing such beauty can truly give you a little respite from what bothers you. It may even help clear some of the fog, but mostly, for me, I found it helped me set my focus on something pleasing and not the negativity that seems to surround my life these days. It gave me a day away from what pulls so hard at my heart.

On returning home...I found that my husband had cleaned the whole house (maybe not the way I would have, but it was great!), cooked dinner and baked me a cake (it was a box, but for him, an unusual thing so very special). Two of my sons were there waiting and we shared a nice evening after I returned. My heart is still heavy, but there are little rainbows I can attach myself to for a short time to bring some relief to the heaviness that lies there inside. I am thankful...now, go find something beautiful, to you, that might give you a little break from what seems so suffocating!

***Hit the picture link and discover Cheaha State Park!***

There is the hint of winter in the air today here and it brings to mind all the winters I spent with this unshakable blue feeling that I used to get in the past. I learned that they call it Seasonal Affective Disorder or Winter Depression. For those who are prone to it, there are things you can do to help. I personally have never had the extra money to afford the proper light to check them, but there are some that say they help. What I have learned to do for me is...dress very warmly and go outside. I have become a huge fan of thermal underwear as they allow you to go a little lighter on the winter layering...you see, I like my freedom of movement. Then, once dressed appropriately, I go find an outdoor work or play activity. I try to make this a daily part of winter months. My activities vary, but they are all sun seeking in nature as this is really what I am after...as much sun as I can get...it helps keep the blues at bay.

I am a little worried this year as winter approaches, but will not allow myself to stay focused on the negative. I don't recall a winter where I have gone into it with depression nipping at my heals everyday. I have a feeling this one may be very trying to me, but I have Squidoo and much to keep me focused positively. My plan is to continue my work here on Squidoo and work hard on rebuilding a fully functional business again. Along with that, I will do my best to get out (the pecans are really starting to come down now, so they need picking up) and do something every day the weather permits. I will bake like usual and get creative with my Christmas goodies for friends and family (it always makes me smile).

One of the ways I think is so very rewarding in healing is thinking of others. I am already keeping an eye on what is out there so when the Angel Tree goes up, I can do something to help another. I am also a fan of the Salvation Army and their bell ringers...this is always something I give to whether I really have the extra money or not because they have won a place in my heart. I am a believer in, when life is bringing you down, focus on helping another and it will help distract you from your own challenges. Even if it is something as simple as holding the door for a stranger, it can be uplifting to the spirit to help another. As the Holidays approach, look around, there are ways to help another all around us if we just search the horizon.

May You Have A Bright & Cheerful Winter!

It's with sadness that I watch the holiday season slowly take form around me. Christmas, always one of my favorite holidays, for which I spend months carefully picking presents for those I Love seems a bit out of "whack" this year. When I would be in full swing and already filling empty spaces with gifts for others or making candles and the start of goodies, I find only tears and empty space. I had bought a few things for my Grand-children, but recently it became quite clear I would not be allowed to share that time with them. For the first time in years...my home will be quiet at Christmas with no sound of little feet scurrying about other than the animals.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I have not even begun to think about the menu (though it is usually similar each year). By now, I usually have a few pies made and the cornbread in the freezer, but this year there is none of that here. The pumpkins still sit on the porch, waiting for me to cook them down, get ready for the pumpkin pies and put the rest up for use in the future. The squirrel and chickens are looking for their portion too wondering, "What gives? We see them, so why don't we have our share?" I have already told my husband I will be keeping it simple this year...though I did promise a couple of pies.

Were you aware that the Holidays are the time of year that more people get depressed than any other time of year? Or is that a myth? Actually, studies have found this to be untrue, but it doesn't mean there isn't a real problem for those who are depressed during the holidays. If you have a Loved One or Friend who is suffering from depression, REACH OUT TO THEM! You will never know what just a few kind words and a moment of your time can be for someone who is depressed. Take them to lunch or a stroll in the park and a nice pleasant conversation. Sometimes, it helps just to get out someplace peaceful with someone you Love and know cares.

If you are the one depressed...Please don't keep yourself shut off from the world! If you can't get out, reach out online! Visit social sites and talk with people. Share your heart with the world...it always makes mine feel lighter to give encouragement to another I know is suffering in some way. Take your focus off of what hurts you and refocus your vision on the beauty around you and within you that you can share with others! Know there is someone in this world that Wishes You All The Blessings And Love To Keep You Safe And Warm! May You Be Tucked Safely In The Arms Of An Angel Forever More!

This is a very difficult one for many people. No I have not lost someone to a "Death" recently, but have lost family members to unhappy circumstances within the family. I am old enough I have lost many I Love to Death in my lifetime...it is never easy for anyone who Loves them to let go of them. Some, struggle far beyond what others perceive as a normal grieving period. For them, it reaches a state of Depression they find difficult to handle. I have an Aunt who is prone to Depression around Anniversary Dates...such as Birthdays, Holidays, Date of Death, etc. There are those, I still cry the occasional tear for when I long for the comfort they used to bring within my life or something special happens (a birth, graduation, etc.) that I wish they were close to share it with us. Sometimes, when things are not going so well in life, I am very thankful they are not around to witness it and share in the pain as I know it would be just as hard on them as it is me.

Death of a relative or friend can come in many forms though. It may be that their body has had enough, but it can also be a death of the relationship itself due to misunderstandings or standing on two different sides of the same issue. Any form of Death can be heartbreaking and for some, start the spiral into Depression.

No matter how we lose a Loved one, it is not an easy thing at all. For some, just the simple loss of someone you have come to expect to be there in your life can bring sorrow. For others it can go much deeper and have complications you may not even be aware of happening. My sister and I were talking just this past weekend about my Depression and the circumstances around the cause of it. I called her after a few text messages this past week going unanswered...when I call or text and get no response back, I tend to assume something is wrong in her (or any other close person) life. During our conversation, she explained she too had been feeling Depressed. She expressed the thought that it was different because she had no reason to be Depressed and I had good reason for mine. It makes me very concerned because there is always a reason for Depression. The reason I bring this up here, is because for my sister, part of it starts with the Death of our Mother for whom she was the primary care giver for many years (more on this type of Depression later).

We all grieve over Loved ones differently...Some quietly, some by keeping busy, some by sinking into Depression. No matter how you grieve, it is necessary when you lose someone you Love. It is a part of the healing process. For me, I do tend to cry a lot. It takes me a while before I can truly sit down, talk in remembrance and enjoy the pleasure they brought into my life without crying because I still want to share it with them. Always, I try to honor their memory by keeping them close in my heart. There are even times when I will talk directly to them, though, I am not truly sure (on one hand) they hear me...On the other hand, I believe in my heart they are with me always and do hear my words and feel my emotions. Grieving is a personal thing.

For me, it helps to remember I cry for my wanting them with me. Those I Love, as their time with me ends, I always hold them close. I try to stay focused upon the goodness I saw in them and the Blessing they were in my life. I am always happy that I have been Blessed by the beautiful people who have come into my life...even if but for a fleeting moment of time. When we lose someone we love, we have to remember, they would not want us to give up living a good life just because their time with us had come to an end here on earth. They would want us to continue helping others when we can, continue Loving others as we have Loved them, continue experiencing the beauty and wonder of this world God has given us! They would want us to Live Life to it's fullest and just keep them close to our hearts along the way.

If you find your grief has turned into Depression, you can help yourself get past it. Try things I have mentioned on this page for help in coming out of the Depression. If you find you cannot get yourself to let go, seek Help! Seek a friend, counselor, pastor...someone who can help you just let it go and get it out! Never ignore the warning signs of Depression no matter what the cause...it is dangerous to stay in the pits of Depression! Always work towards seeing the sunshine in your life again, because it never went away...it just has a cloud covering it for a time.

If you have recently lost someone...my heart and prayers are with you. If you struggle because of a past loss...my heart and prayers are with you. We all face Death in our lives at some point...it is just a reality of living...but it doesn't make it any easier to handle the grief and sometimes the Depression that comes with it. Seek family and friends who are grieving too...you can find comfort in those who seem to understand your grief. If you feel alone, seek a grief counselor or grief group...they can help with the stages we go through in grieving. Most importantly, honor your Loved one by continuing to live a good life...I am sure they would want that for you!