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From the lens How to find love after divorce.

This is your opportunity to share what you think about finding love after divorce. Ask questions, share answers. Share your sorrow and let us witness you.

Here is my philosopy on feedback and the opinions of others: what you say is your opinion and not the true about me; what I say is my opinion and not the true about you.

Be open to input which means listen and hear, then make your own decision. If it works for you great; if not, it doesn't.

  • Phil May 7, 2012 @ 2:28 pm | delete
    My wife walked out 4 months ago after 28 years of marriage because I did not fill her emotional needs. I was in such pain and did not see it coming. we are getting divorced because she does not want to come back. I will move on and be strong. Truely the most painful experience of my life!!!!
  • CoachColleen May 15, 2012 @ 12:38 pm | delete
    Phil, Divorce is hard - especially after 28 years. I hear the strength in your words. Moving on is not your choice, and you still have to deal with everything. You have to divide a lifetime of things and even harder a lifetime of friends and places.
    What I might say to you is that you care worth love. Your wife's emotional void is her void not yours. Your void is an unexpected emptyness. For you, an opportunity - unwanted as it may be - to take a look at your life and your emotional needs. Emotional not just "my life was comfortable emotions."

    And, Phil take your time. Make this time about you - what you need and want in the future. Heck, design your perfect life - a real one not one that is carefree and a man in a midlife crisis. Design your life - I strongly recommend not designing your new life around a new woman. Get your life gournded first. Here is a fact that you might want to be aware of - many, many men jump into marriage quickly after a divorce or death of a spouse. The older the man the quicker seems to be the trend.
    I want to reiterate that you sound strong. And, in pain. Getting blindsided sucks. In a few more months, you might start to think about going out on a date - then panic might set in. Keep me posted when you get to that stage.
  • Dee Perez Dec 20, 2011 @ 12:36 am | delete
    I am not divorced. Nor have I ever been married. But I was engaged to a man I was in a relationship with for 71/2 years. I spent most of my 20's with him and when I turned 30 and he was 31, he proposed. I could sense he didnt really want to, but I was blind. Partly by the shine of that diamond and partly because of the idea od us. I knew we had been growing apart, but he really became such a handsome man physically and in my condition, I was really overweight (I had lost my sister 3 years ago and our baby a year ago and found food as a coping mechanisim) unfortunately, he was really focused on looks and status. As I saw it, I loved him and was blessed that he loved me, no matter my size. Looking back, I could see that he was distancing himself from me with every work out and muscle he gained as I became more and more self concious. I could tell he was not interested in me in an emotional level. I feared he was cheating. It is truly something when a promise is made where both parties agree that even if they are interested in someon else withoust acting on it first, that they would tell eachother before bing unfaithful. Well, he broke his promise. 5 months of our engagement passed and I had nightmares that he was cheating and leaving me. I confronted him on Nov 1st of this year and he cried as he looked at me and said that he wasn't going to marry me and was leaving me. He never admitted to cheating..not to this day. I had found out through someone else that he had been. At his point, it doesnt matter. We have been broken up for 2 months now and I feel lonely...partly for him and mostly for someone. He sends me random texts sometimes about how he misses me, etc. but I am staying strong and living my life without him. I have lost 85 lbs...I actually started to lose a lot of weight before he left me (and not just because of a wedding). But he didnt notice that I was turning my life around until after he left. It was a minor sweet victory to tell him that I was losing weight and changing my life for the better before he left, but he never noticed because he had distanced himself for so long (to be with whatever her name is). I am just coming to terms with dealing with the rollercoaster of feeling up with my supportave friends and self confidence, and feeling down when I'm lonely and hope that he texts again (dumb, I know). I just wish that even at my age (about to turn 31 next month, never married and no kids) I can find someone who I find more attractive inside and out, who truly loves me for me...not the idea of me. it's only been 2 months without my ex, but i just know that the possibility of actual true love exists. I just hope it comes someday.
  • Christine Dec 9, 2011 @ 1:42 pm | delete
    I have been floating through days and months going on years since the marriage was over. Putting one foot in front of another like I've been told by every self-help column and friend I can find. I go through the motions; shower, breakfast for kids (I don't eat...maybe coffee), work, pick-up kids (when it's my custody time) then chores or leftover work. If I have the kids it's great. If I don't I'm miserable. Now it's the Holiday. Yeah, I have the kids for Christmas Day AND my birthday! Boo, I have to give them up Christmas night and I won't see them for New Year's. I can't get my feet under me because every week my world changes. I'M barely surviving, yet everyone else seems to be getting along find, even my children. I'm sure they're hurting or damaged and we're going to have to deal with that some day but right now I don't have it for myself. I hate being alone, yet realize I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship, much less why would anyone be attracted to a basket case like me now? My ex is already married (he jumped into that relationship) and I'm sure he has his own emotional problems that he'll shut off (that was a major part of the problem in the first place) but at least he's not alone. We are in HIS hometown, not mine, near HIS family, not mine. And NO I can't move or go back to court. There's no money for lawyers and at this point in time I can't legitimately say I'm the better parent. How do I get my old strong, self assure, life-loving self back? This day by day stuff is turning into the rest of my life. Faking it every day is getting old. And yes, I've been through all the self destructive stuff already (the social withdrawal, illness, lack of appetite, can't sleep, doctor's anti-depressants, mood-stabilizers, church, family, books, chatrooms, forums... now what?
  • CoachColleen May 15, 2012 @ 1:41 pm | delete
    Christine,
    I hope you are feeling a little more grounded. Being in your ex's home town ? not yours is really hard. Your kids are a part of you and I'm guessing that you feel you have your heart wrenched from your body each time they go with their father. I am so sorry, that feeling is beyond horrible. Time helps, but not at first.
    Just so you know, men jump into relationships surprisingly fast ? it is not about you. It is about men in general.
    Have you found a touchstone s ? something that helps you stay connected to life and not drift into the realm of utter loneliness and despair?
    Here are a few ideas. They may seem a little wacky but try them and see what happens.

    1. Find a small rock or piece of polished glass and keep it in your pocket. When you start to feel yourself drifting into that destructive place, just hold it and tell it your fears and deepest emotional angsts. If you are in a place where you can do so, speak the words out loud.

    This type of touchstone will absorb the negative energy and recycle it to better uses. Sounds crazy but it works for many people who want to release their hurts and be able to function on a daily basis.

    Once in a while, put that stone in a glass of salt water overnight. Put 3 tablespoons of salt in an 8 oz. glass of water. Get plastic container and use it just for this soaking purpose.

    2. Find a grief group. Check with the hospital often times they are for free or inexpensive. Just go to one and see what you think. I went to one when my best friend died. There were all sorts of grief issues ?relationship endings, as well as death of spouses, parents, pets, partners, etc.

    Find a group that is safe. By safe I mean not infiltrated with your ex's friend or relations. I do not know how large the town so you may need to drive across town.

    3. Another free group that you can checkout is an affiliate of AA ? co-dependence anonomous. Look online and see what your local AA community has to offer. You can try one group and if you do not like it, go to a different one. I've found that the quality of the group has everything to do with the people who attend them. I have a very good friend who has been attending for years. She is very well adjusted, but started going after she left her husband. She needed people that knew and understood her. She needed people who would just listen and not always be giving her advice.

    Try the rock and then see if you can find a group. Then let me know how you are getting along. You are not ready for a relationship right now, but you will be.

    Take care,
    Coach Colleen
    www.TotalTrueLove.com
  • t sheppard Sep 18, 2011 @ 8:34 pm | delete
    I found out in April 2010 my husband of 23 years was having a relationship with a friend from our deer camp. They talked everyday @630am and all thru out day for a year and half before I accidently found out upgrading my cell. Sometimes 10 calls a day. Then I found out he was having another friendship with a woman he worked with. He swears he never has sex with them. Our divorce was final Dec. 10. Why do they lie when you have caught them with all the evidence. The woman from work divorced her husband too. How can you not know. Should of know when sex was not important to him for over a year. Why couldn't he just tell me the truth and not lie. That hurts more than anything. I have forgiven and will never know why. I have not dated, don't know the first thing about even getting back to having a relationship with a man again. I am 63 and feel so unwanted and useless. I am still very active with work and grandkids, going out with friends to movies, church. No one has ever approached me. I am not ugly or obese. What do I need to do to move on?
  • CoachColleen May 15, 2012 @ 3:21 pm | delete
    Hi t
    To your question ?How can you not know?? I've been in the same position. Everyone knew but me.

    All I can say is that you and I trusted our partners to be faithful. They disappointed us. They lied, they continue to lie. It is probably a pattern in their lives they have somehow justified as ?I don't want to hurt them more.? As my mom would have said ?That's a bunch of hogwash!? They don't want to have to sit face-to-face and be uncomfortable, so they lie to protect themselves and justify it as protecting us.

    I personally am so happy to be done with my ex. We live in the same suburb of a big city. I see my ex occasionally, mostly I'll cross to the other side of the street to avoid a bunch of words that may or may not be true. And, personally I do not want to waste my time trying to figure it out.

    Getting back into a relationship is daunting when you are 16 and 60.
    This time I'd like you to just not panic, you need some time to just settle yourself. Do not worry if men do not approach you, they will. It's about timing and about how you feel about yourself.

    Have you ever heard what some call common wisdom ?like attracts like?? Well that's all about energy and right now you are in the energy of unwanted and useless. All we have to do is change your energy to what you want to be in the next several decades of your life.

    What you need to do to move on is ? discover your irresistible definition of life and true love. Once you do that you will find your Mr. Right ? the one that you deserve and who will want to spend the rest of your lives together.

    Coach Colleen

    I'm guessing your next questions will be ?Coach Colleen, how in the heck do I do that?? A little over 13 years ago, I was in a similar situation. I was single and didn't want to pick the wrong person ever again ? I'd rather stay single. But, I stumbled onto a method for finding true love ? the right one ? and I celebrated my 13th anniversary this May 1, 2012. And, my relationship keeps getting better. My friends said you should package what you did ? so I did. It's called the Total True Love System. It is for sale at Total True Love dot com. Give it a go - we are similiar ages, so you'll understand it.
  • JC May 19, 2011 @ 7:52 pm | delete
    It's been 7 months since I left my husband of 16 years. About 3 months ago I started to date this guy with 2 wonderful children, and he lost his wife 7 years ago to illness. Of course It's been a little difficult, mostly because of me. I really like this whole package, but wonder if I'm not a little early. How long should you remain single after divorce? Can you find someone this early? I've been struggling with this and I know I'm not giving all I can.
  • CoachColleen Sep 15, 2011 @ 7:24 pm | delete
    JC, I just saw you post and wanted to reply. My guess is that you really left your husband of 16 years long before you physically left. Is it too early. Some people will think so, some will not. It is what is in your heart that counts.

    If you are falling into this new relationship out of loneliness or bewilderment on what to do in you own life, I would have you go slow. One thing to look out for is a tendency that all of us humans have to gravitate to the familiar. Look at what it is that is attractive to you. Then ask yourself, did these things matter in your 16 years of marriage. You can also ask yourself what did matter and if you are getting those things then enjoy yourself. Remember too, you can date and make your decision later - dating is not a life commitment - it is just dating to see if you want to make that committment. Above all, have fun. You deserve it.
  • CoachColleen Jun 11, 2010 @ 12:11 pm | delete
    Hi Anna,
    Believe that love - a love where you are respected for who you are - is possible. And, it may be a little eary for that. You got burned in your marriage, you were not respected, you were not valued. And, probably your husband knew your vulnerable spots and used them against you - very painful on the receiving end.

    I encourage you to continue to believe in yourself and ignite you own sense of self. If you can do it without bitterness and hatred, it is best for you. Anger, however, is justified. I counsel you not to hold too tightly to it.

    How do you love yourself? You take one small baby step towards opening your heart to yourself. It might be reading a empowering book or maybe just going to the bookstore and looking is the only step you can do or going to the library. Make the step small. Let me know what it is and I'll hold your success in my emotional field. I believe in the power of the heart and the mind to remember who you are at your essence - not what anyone else says about you.

    I found the book called Eat, Love, Pray to be great inspiration. Scroll to the bottom of the page to find the link to it on Amazon. It is probably in your public library too.

    I salute you in this journey back to your true self.
  • Anna Jun 3, 2010 @ 3:05 pm | delete
    Love after divorce... Not saying I have given up on it becasue the way I loved my ex, I could have loved any man the same way. But Im at the point where I question the loyalty and dedication people have for each other. My ex made me choose between my self worth and my children or him. Who does that? Who am I to fall for a guy with those types of morals? Love after divorce.... Question is (for me ), How do I love myself to ward off those negative spirits (people)?
  • CoachColleen Oct 19, 2009 @ 10:08 am | delete
    Hi NatCar,

    Yes, all this info applies to men too. Glad you pointed it out.

    Coach Colleen
  • CoachColleen Oct 19, 2009 @ 10:05 am | delete
    Regal One

    It's better for you and your child to find out sooner than later that this new guy cannot handle the fact that you have a child.

    Next time don't wait so long to tell / introduce him to your son. You are a mom. That is part of your package. If the people you date don't want children, then have a good time, but don't get involved. It is a waist of both of your time and emotions.
  • CoachColleen Oct 19, 2009 @ 10:00 am | delete
    Hi Cody,

    Let me tell you about another woman who in her mid 40's divorced for the third time. Like you she had never lived on her own. She too was scared.

    Being scared is not fun. Not knowing what went wrong or what to do next is scary.
    The other scared woman, whom I'll call Teri, leaned on her friends. They helped her find a new place to live that was warm, cozy and safe --- from her emotional standpoint. Her new home was a very private 400 square foot apartment that was the lower level of a home. Two women lived upstairs.

    She could hear them walking which make her feel NOT ALONE.

    During the four years she lived there she grew and grew in confidence. She found a new career and loves it. She is happy with her life. She is happy with who she is as a person.
    Find a safe nurturing place to live and find your happiness.

    Coach Colleen
    ]
  • cody Oct 18, 2009 @ 3:11 pm | delete
    I have been married for 22 years, my opposite, he taught me alot, about the streets, thugs, hate, unfaithfulness, etc. Hurt at one of it's highest points, the creation of life which wasn't ours together. Seperating and divorcing twice. Four beautiful children, Three energy filled grandmen. How could he hurt me like this. Being my first love at 21 years of age, first one to help me realize I was a women, iI learn my body sexually. He could had been my first, If I had met him one year before. How to move on, never living on my own before, I'm scared.
  • Regal One Mar 10, 2009 @ 7:11 pm | delete
    Needing a little hope and inspiration. I am a single mom who divorced a few years ago. I met a guy that has never been married and never had a child. I waited for 8 months before I introduced my son to him. He doesn't think he can handle the EX and the fact that I have a child.
  • NatChar Feb 18, 2009 @ 3:10 pm | delete
    Hi CoachCollen, you offer some great advice here for women but it can also appy to men that's gone through a divorce. I went through it myself and it was hard but I came through it a better person. Good job! 5 stars! You are also on my facebook friends list just to let you know.
  • samyorquist Jan 25, 2009 @ 1:44 pm | delete
    Thanks for the advice. Have not yet filed for divorce, but, unfortunately, I think I am going to have to soon. It is nice to see there is help at the end of the rainbow!
  • CoachColleen Dec 15, 2008 @ 11:15 am | delete
    Hi Carol,
    You hit the nail on the head. All you can tell for sure is what you know about yourself. I suggest you take a step back and think about 'not a relationship' in standard terms - long term commitment, but in terms of getting to know each other.

    You have a great venue - your church. You already know that he is like-minded spiritually, now you can discover over time if you are like-minded in other areas. Do you like doing the same things? Look at your church activities and classes: which ones do you feel attracted to? which ones is he attracted to.

    Do some of those activities.You can say to him 'Hey, what about taking this class or doing this volunteer activity next Sunday?' It's not a date, just a chance to get to know each other.

    Age seems like a big factor especially when the woman is older than the guy, but it's really not. Don't let that get in your way.

    I met my true love on a church kayaking outing. Let me know how it goes. Coach Colleen
  • carol baker Dec 15, 2008 @ 1:27 am | delete
    i really like this nice guy in church i am 5years older than him he is as afraid of a relationship as i am i would like to have a relationship with him but i can't tell if he does
  • dnlletaylor Sep 21, 2008 @ 10:53 pm | delete
    Nice lens! 5 stars and i lensrolled it! I do really know what pages like yours mean for someone who's going through or has just gone through a divorce: Inspiration, support, hope. I've been there so I know.. You may want to check out my lens too http://www.squidoo.com/how-to-cope-with-lonliness-after-your-divorce Rate it and/or lensroll it if you like it. Thanks!
  • CoachColleen Feb 5, 2008 @ 4:45 pm | delete
    Hey Ken,
    You are right - when you least expect it you will find love. Why then? Well, when we least expect something it's very often because we are engaged in doing other things that make our lives full and meaningful. You know the types of things that help us find ourselves and believe and trust in ourselves. Amazing coincidence isn't it.

    Dear ladycee

    You go girl, and when you are ready take the plunge.
  • ladycee Feb 5, 2008 @ 4:11 pm | delete
    Just testing the waters
  • Ken Jan 30, 2008 @ 8:47 pm | delete
    Yeh I took a couple of deep breaths nyself & I'm a mere male. Even a lot of guys need a bit of a coffee table to ponder all the Why's & What happened?

    Love after divorce can seem a distant affair. Maybe that wasn't a good choice of word but hey it is better to face facts straight away. You then actually have more strength to handle it rather than trying to live with it & hoping.

    But listen to me, a mere male, all you beautiful, talented, wonderful, gorgeous, sexy women struggling to find love after divorce, you do not need a bloke for a while, find yourself, believe in yourself, trust yourself, look after yourself and blow me down when you least expect it you will find love after divorce.

    Trust me. Damn I am a bloke. I just had a sex change. My name is Wanda. Trust me I wrote all that stuff above, not Ken.

    He is just a ......................... You can fill in the gaps all of you beautiful, talented, wonderful women looking for love after divorce.
  • livingthecertainway Jan 24, 2008 @ 3:48 pm | delete
    Beautiful topic Colleen - every person that comes into our lives is here for us to learn from - regardless of how long we stay together.
    ~Schelli
  • CoachColleen Jan 23, 2008 @ 6:40 pm | delete
    I'm just testing this to see if it works.

by

CoachColleen

Helping divorced women find true love and a lasting relationship.

Here's my story. I was a woman who'd given up on love. Business success was easy... more »

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