FIRED FUNNYBONES

Don't let the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune get you down!

Take it from me, even with the help of not one but two royal monikers like "Victoria Elizabeth", an ability to speak one foreign language (not including Pig Latin), plus a damn fine diploma, I could not avoid the chopping block during my twenty or so year career as a business development consultant.

In fact, I was so adept at being "involuntarily-leisured" that I can safely say that I am an expert on the subject. If truth be told, I expect that my former employers would not hesitate to say that: "Subtlety is not her strong suit", "She does not suffer fools gladly", or "She is not known to not take direction well". On the other hand, they might also have to admit that I had my strong points: "She drew rather accurate caricatures of staff on holiday cards", and even more importantly that, "She knew how to organize some terrifically successful wine and cheese parties on a tight budget".

If one did not manage to arrange to have a golden parachute on hand in the departure lounge, the notion of being without a colorful calling card, a platinum key to the executive washroom, or perish the thought ...missing one's prestigious position in the pecking order of a cube farm might cause some consternation. Frankly, being fired has both challenges and opportunities.

All of which brings me to my musing for the moment about a recent and delightful encounter with a feisty female named Annabelle Gurwitch. In her new film Fired!, an offshoot from her book, Fired!: Tales of the Canned, Cancelled, Downsized, and Dismissed she recounts not only her own tale of being fired from her dream gig acting an an off-Broadway Woody Allen Play, but also sets about collecting tales of woe from other actors and comics like Tim Allen and Anne Meara who also got dumped.

So lighten up lollygaggers, time to find those funnybones, stomp all over those misery monsters, and toss those pretentious pity pots! After all, if comedians can get fired and yet bounce back not to mention Ms. Guruwitz herself...then it's never too late to pick yourself up and start all over again!

The message is loud and clear: Don't feel bad! We were all fired once, and look at us now!

There's something to be said for "The Joy of Not Working".

Stop complaining what you might be missing at the cube farm, in the corner office, or out on the bumpy road of life selling something you wouldn't foist on your grandmother.

Just take a deep breath and express your gratitude for your "surprise serenditipy sabbatical". After all you now have oodles of time to:

1. Waste time without making any excuses.

2. Fritter away the hours doing anything you please, be it playing with your toes, laughter yoga, or engaging in a hot game of solitaire.

3. Talk to animal companions, pet rocks, and plants who won't give you an argument thank God.

4. Choose your own attire...whether it's wearing your buffed up birthday suit all day long, or simply hanging out in your pj's for as long as you wish.

5. Belt out your favorite tunes without anyone batting an eyelash...be it "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It's Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight", "Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport", or a heartfelt rendition of "R-E-S-P-E-C-T"!

6. Squiggle, sketch or doodle to your heart's content without having to explain the meaning behind your cheesy chicken scratches.

7. Eat a burger with the works for breakfast, popcorn for a morning snack, ice-cream for lunch, pretzels for an afternoon snack, a sizzling steak for supper, not to mention a tall glass of chocolate milk with a plate of Twinkies at bed-time.

8. Watch as many daytime soaps or suck-it-up self-esteem shows, all designed to satiate the needs of the stay-at-home crowd.

9. Join the neighborhood "grapevine" and pick up all the juicy gossip going around not to mention organize a "whine and cheese" party so you stay in the loop.

10. Explore the opportunity to do things you've always wanted to do but never had the courage or space in your calendar before like starting a worm-farm, becoming a lion-tamer, or writing a book about your weird relatives.

There are however some who don't know how to enjoy twiddling their thumbs, especially 30 assistant ministers in Kenya's civil service who wrote a letter to the President saying that they are given nothing to do all day but read newspapers. The only answer: "Suck-it-up and Smile!"

Judging from the plethora of puckish websites out there, downsizing is a "growth industry", and they don't hesitate to keep everyone informed about the bleeding edge news you can handle.

Pink collar people however will be pleased to learn about the latest wave in newfangled networking occasions, "Pink Slip Parties", a term coined by Allison Hemming, an established career authority in the "Big Apple".

On the other hand, if you need some folks to perform for pink slip people, you'd best call on the Laughingstock Comedy Troupe, they're a real hit with banks these days!

But if you don't like the idea of hooking up with other heave ho'd types and rubbing elbows with like-minded lollygaggers, you can always hang out with a placid party-pooper or better yet, find the friendly ear of a career counsellor over at Wet Feet.

Forget those "glum gala" events with cute candles for those who've been canned. Take a pass on a libation or two with the other laid-off lounge-lizards. And face it, it won't be a bed of roses at a wimpy getaway with the woe-is-me wussy crowd.

Frankly, you've got nothing to lose by dropping in on one of those rose-colored glasses get-togethers, full of ripsnorting recruiters and serendipity seekers like you.

If however you're operating on a modest budget, you might want to consider taking a cue from Holly Golightly of Breakfast at Tiffany's. If you recall, being a hostess with the mostest allows one to be a little over the top, especially when it comes to throwing a fab fete in a flat. Her fun formula: make sure you have a small space overlowing with madcap guests, lots of mood music, and don't forget to add cocktails, stir, and watch what happens!

And last but not least, if you think you've got it bad... consider the fact that Maytag repairman's contract is not being renewed; talk about being "hung out to dry". Seems that the 'do-nothing dude' has been replaced by someone else. The reason given: the manufacturer of this mighty fine dependable washing machine just wants to "revitalize the brand"!

Just like one should never leave home with one's Amex credit card, one should never attend a Pink Slip Party without a calling card.

If you're going to carry around "calling cards" in your pocket, make sure that they're blank or they're memorable.

If they're blank...you've got "carte blanche" to do what you please. At the very least you can always doodle on them like Hugh MacLeod of Gaping Void fame and become the life of the party.

Failing that, hire an artist like Dean Lewis to do a caricature of you, plus all your coordinates.

Of course, if you feel like you need to create a more self-effacing image of yourself, you can always go the route I did by designing your very own "Frequent Flubber Card". It's time to celebrate the fact that you're well "human" (that means you come packaged with few faux pas and foibles and without a money-back guarantee!

And I might add -- it's never to late to point out the bleeding obvious -- "The bearer of this card is a 'Certified Fool' and is therefore entitled to TEN FREE FLOPS, FLUBS OR FLOUNDERS whenever the spirit of serendipity or sillyness strikes their fancy!"

So next time you're in a merry mood...let your imagination fly...and come up with a catchy calling card like a certain jocular Jenny did.

Better yet, become a light-hearted lensmaster and create your very own bodacious bio the way I did.

Remember, if all else fails and you can't be a giggling gadfly at your next networking event, at least be a perky pest. And if that doesn't work, just imagine what your former boss or favorite nemesis would look like in a birthday suit (that'll put a smile on your face)!

Sometimes there's some notoriety in being given the heave ho, so why not use it to your advantage.

Take the Budweiser employee who got fired for drinking a Coors (no not on the job, after work silly). The publicity he got on that little violation of company policy got him more than a few offers.

And there's the case of an M&Ms employee who found himself on the other end of a pink slip ...not because he mixed the wrong batch of candies but because he tossed out all the the "Ws" on his shift! No doubt he's exploring an interesting invitation to write all about his unusual literary talent and the ensuing escapade.

White-collar folk also have their challenges, like the one who gets fired for putting the customer first". According to one HR expert, don't try to avoid the "f" word! Why not mention it in a resume or an interview, to show your prospective new employer why your being fired is a "win win" for both of you!

Let's not forget Donald J. Trump, the man synonymous with those wicked words, "You're Fired". Contestants whom he summarily dismissed on his hugely popular reality TV show, not only made a name for themselves but went on to pursue their own richly rewarding careers thank you very much. It seems that Mr. Trump also fired a member of his own management team, "Carolyn", (who apparently found the lecture curcuit more lucrative and a lot more fun than working for "the man" ...no hard feelings of course).

Finally, there's Ms. Annabelle Gurwitz herself, the author of the popular book "Fired" which she deftly parlayed into a film by the same title. After being unceremoniously dumped as an actress by none other than Woody Allen, she realized that perhaps others, particuarly comedians, probably got the boot at one time or another during their career. So instead of snivelling, she set about collecting their tossed on the tush tales.

All of these amusing anecdotes only go to prove that a bit of ingenuity and laughter go a long way to healing all wounds and quite possibly chuckling all the way to the bank!

Keep your chin up dammit! Better yet, why not forget about chin-wagging for a moment and consider another option...the merits of taking a serendipity sabbatical.

Procrastinate all you want, in fact, slow down and think back over things you've done in your life. What were you doing when you lost track of the time? Who were you with? And, where on earth were you? That should give you a big clue as to where you might want to start your serendipity sabbatical.

The main thing is that it's important that you find a spot to hang out where the atmosphere is warm and receptive. No point in spending your valuable time on things that don't turn your crank, or with cranky folk for that matter.

If you need a nudge, be spontaneous for once. Try going without a plan at least for one day. The more chance or luck you let in your world, the more novel life will become and new opportunities will present themselves. So, let life unfold instead of trying to hammer square pegs into round holes! Take a different route somewhere, eat something you've never tasted before, or do something you think is utterly ridiculous but fun for a change ...including asking "dumb questions"!

If you're not convinced, try being an accidental tourist in your own backyard and enjoy some R&R:

-- Take a bubble bath in the middle of the day.
-- Fly a home-made paper airplane.
-- Take a catnap or daydream in technicolor.
-- Come up with an alter ego for yourself...and chat to strangers on a bus for a day with that persona.
-- Gaze at the stars and ponder how a cow could jump over the moon.
-- Write a letter to someone you've overlooked lately, or even a politician if you've got the urge.
-- Enter a contest, or maybe two just for the heck of it.
-- Invent a new game, a better mousetrap, you can have fun with that for hours.
-- Learn to impersonate someone famous...you never know when that one may come in handy at weddings or roasts!
-- Telephone a talk show to voice your views...after all, people always said you have an opinion on everything!
-- Speak Pig Latin for a day with anyone whom you meet or share a conversation.
-- Study the clouds, and notice that behind every one there's a silver lining!
-- Sing three nursery rhymes you can recall or three of your favorite inspirational melodies.
-- Tap dance or mimic the "Minister of Silly Walks".

Time to wake up and smell the roses...if only for a day, a week...or maybe as long as you want!