My Mother, A Legacy of Love, Sacrifice, and Survival

Legacy of Love

I've copied you, Mother
My words echo your voice
You're my shining example
The one of my choice

Not thinking about it
I've copied your style
The way that you walk
The way that you smile

You fashioned my dreams
You painted my hopes
I've learned to make knots
At the end of my ropes

We all learn to love,
But not from a friend
I learned your strength
And when I should bend

Mom, you've mapped the way
To Heaven above
By teaching me kindness
By teaching me love

My mother's life began in the countryside outside of Tokyo, Japan, on December 10, 1927. The second born daughter of seven girls her father was the son of a businessman who dyed silk textiles for kimonos. Before her father met her mother he helped his father run their successful business. They employed many people and lived a somewhat privileged life. One year while her father was still a young man the dye they bought for the kimonos was rotten; however, they didn't realize it until it was too late. Consequently, his father lost not only the batch of garments that was dyed with the bad lot of dye, but the entire business. So shocked was he by the magnitude of the loss, Mom's grandfather had a heart attack and died leaving the debt of his business loss to his son, her father. Her father worked very hard to repay the debt of his father, and after five gruelling years was able to fully discharge the debt and regain his own and his father's honor in the business community. However, it seemed he was destined for a life of hardship and failure. Although her father worked hard and tried many entrepreneurial enterprises he was beset with failure more often than success. His life story read like a true Japanese tragedy. He married his first wife when he was in his early twenties and had a son with her. They were happily married for five years. Then one day when he was playing ball with his son in their yard his son suddenly fell and could not get back up. He rushed him to the hospital to find out what was wrong only to find that his son inherited a degenerative bone disease from his mother. In one year her father not only lost his first wife, but his only son.

My grandmother was a country girl without a formal education when she met my grandfather. Their life together began in the countyside outside of Tokyo on a small farm where they raised chickens, grew their own vegetables, and tried to raise a family of seven girls. In those days in the country there were no electric lights, no natural gas heaters, no refrigerators, no air conditioning, no indoor plumbing. Just coal oil lamps for light, coal for heating, and a well for water. They were a poor family with only enough money to afford one pair of tennis shoes per person that had to last for an entire year. To make them last longer they would take old newspapers and fold them up and put them in the bottom of their shoes to try to plug the holes that had been worn into the soles. There were no cookies, no candy, no fast food of any kind, and not enough food many times. My mother tells stories of how her mother would pick large ripe tomatoes and put them in the bucket and sink them in the well for the girls to eat when they got home from school. They would run into the house, grab a handful of salt and place it on the side of the well while they pulled up the bucket of cold, fresh, ripe, delicious home grown tomatoes to devour after a day of school (which was a three mile walk from their home), and what a wonderful treat they were! She also tells a story of how they had to ration their rice to last a whole month, and how whenever one of her sisters was so hungry she snuck more than her alloted portion they were all punished severely by her father.

In the midst of their struggles to raise seven children my grandparents sought to ease their burden by adopting out two of the daughters to other family members and friends who had no children of their own. My mother was one of the daughters who was chosen to be adopted out at about the age of 8 years. She said her parents told her they were sending her away to learn higher society etiquette, but she said once she arrived she was treated like a household servant, nothing more. She gave it a few days, decided it was not for her, and walked twenty-five miles back home. She tells the story of her sister arriving at the home of her new "parents", and crying so hard for so many days that they gave her back! Both daughters were returned to their family within a few days. Shortly afterward her mother had a nervous breakdown and left them, all the children, including a one year old baby for two years. Her father searched for her mother relentlessly, but to no avail. During those years that her mother was missing the care of the baby and the younger children fell to my mother. She helped cook, clean, sew, assist with homework, counsel, mentor, and comfort her younger sisters. This was only the beginning of her life of service to others.

The Love of a Mother

A Mother's love is something
that no one can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain

It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away

It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking

It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems

It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation

A many splendor miracle
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God's tender guiding hand.

Author Unknown

Mom had dreams of her own growing up. Most of them made unattainable by the circumstances of her family and their needs. She tells the story of how she loved to sing as young girl and how she and one of her best friends used to spend their lunch hours lying in the grass watching the clouds and making up new songs. Her voice was so beautiful all her teachers would give her special privileges or pass her on projects if she would sing for the class while they prepared their projects! She had a terrible crush on her singing teacher whom she says at that time was sooooo dreamy, all the girls at school had a crush on him. He thought enough of her talent that he asked her several times to take special singing classes and prepare for a professional singing career. However, when she asked her father, he forbid her, even when the singing teacher personally came to ask permission. Her hopes crushed for a professional singing career, the highlight of her high school years culminated in a personal invitation from her singing teacher to visit him at his beautiful home, which he shared with his mother. She recounts the beautiful garden that surrounded the house, and how the grand piano was situated in a bay window that overlooked the garden. She was so impressed with the little tea cakes and tea her teacher's mother offered her when she arrived! She tells the story of how many years later she came across the singing teacher on the streets of Tokyo and barely recognized him, he looked so ordinary! She could not believe she had such a crush on him during high school. Time plays funny tricks on us doesn't it?

The hazy, sometimes dreamy days of youth were abruptly shortened for my mother by a horrific reality when Japan went to war with the United States. She was about 14 years old at that time and recalls the strict lights-out curfews at nightfall, the air-raid sirens, then the roaring sounds of the B-29 bombers flying overhead and the high-pitched whistle of the falling fire bombs as they began their descent to the streets of Tokyo. Encircled by machine gun fire, and surrounded by blazing fires and billowing smoke she tells how they had to literally crawl through the streets keeping their heads no more than six inches from the ground to be able to breathe.They had to find their way through and over dead and burned bodies of all shapes, sizes, ages, and gender. Living conditions were deplorable at best. She tells a terrible story of hell on earth, where money was flying in the wind and no one bothered to even pick it up as there was nothing it could buy. There was no food, not even a rat to be caught so desperate was the situation for the Japanese citizens in Tokyo. She tells how the government issued acorn powder to them in small sacks. They mixed it with whatever water they could find to make quarter size pancakes that were so bitter, even starving they could only eat one. It was during this time in her life, her second dream of becoming a front-line nurse to aid her countrymen was also (thankfully) dashed by her father. He sent the family to the countryside to stay with relatives while the worst of the devastation was taking place in Tokyo. Although they lost everything they had, they survived the war with their lives, and returned to Tokyo to begin rebuilding.

In Japan, there is a long standing custom of special privileges and responsibility for the first born child. The first born child inherits the family home, and in so doing, is charged with the responsibility of caring for the parents until their death. The parents usually afford the first born child more privileges and favor in expectation and anticipation of their future security at the hands of the first born. This was the case in my mother's life, however; she wasn't the first born child, she was the second. After the war, her father sent the two oldest daughters to a special school to teach them to be expert tailors. His hope was to open a shop that would be able to support the family someday. Mom says her older sister wasn't really into studying that hard and she would often skip classes. Since their father would want them to recount their lessons each day, her sister would demand that my mom tell and show her what she missed in class. If Mom was feeling obstinate, she would refuse and tell her sister she should have gone to class herself, at which point her sister would begin beating her up and make her show her how to do what she missed in class! The pattern continued until they finally graduated. Ironically, although her first born sister had been bestowed the privileges, she didn't want the responsibility that came with them. Once the war was over, she married an American soldier and left Japan forever. Mom opened, promoted, and ran the tailor shop in Tokyo, which was very successful. I can see the pride in her countenance when she tells the story of how her shop was always a year ahead of the retail market and how people would crowd around the shop windows admiring the smartly tailored outfits displayed on the manekins. She would create her own patterns from cutting edge fashion catalogs she received from France and America and then display the new fashions in the shop windows. In those days, my mother was a fashion maven. Not only did she design her own clothes, she had her shoes and handbags custom made to match her outfits (complete with hat and gloves!). She said the shoe maker cringed when he saw her walk in because she was so picky. He would always try to convince her to buy something he already had made, but she had to have platform heels to increase her height, because she was only 4'11". She said she wanted to be taller to look older than her 22 years so that she could gain more respect as a business owner.

She worked hard, developed a top-notch reputation, and eventually had a staff of eight girls who apprenticed at the shop to work there and learn the trade from her. Mom was running the shop, and taking care of the whole family because her father had basically "retired" at the age of 45, and her older sister had married and moved away. She was busy running a business and taking care of her five younger sisters so she didn't really have that much time to date, not that she really wanted to at that time. She was in the prime of her life and although she was carrying the weight and responsibility of supporting her whole family, she never really thought of it as a burden, and recounts the stories with joy. Who knows what heights she may have attained had she been able to follow the dreams of her own heart, but that was not the life she was called to live. Shortly after the war was over, and during the occupation, her family was involved with the American soldiers due to their business transactions at the tailor shop. The soldiers would bring in their uniforms to have them tailored and to have the badges sewn on. They would often trade goods for the services instead of paying currency; some of the trades were for chocolate, nylons, food items, etc. Well, some of their neighbors were suspicious and jealous of the extra provisions they had due to the barter for their services, and turned them in to the local authorities with claims of collaboration and espionage with the "enemy". Mom tells of the day the Japanese authorities surrounded their home and business and how they were searched for signs of espionage and interrogated for collusion with the Americans. They were not spys, and they had no other business with the Americans at that time other than their tailor shop. They were finally able to convince the authorities of this fact, but they were told by the police not to accept American goods in exchange for their services in the future so that there would be no appearance of impropriety.

Some time later, one of their neighbors who was still convinced of their collaboration with the enemies, reported their family again to the authorities based on a visit the neighbor had made to their home. Mom's father had placed a large bundle of money on a shrine they had in the corner of their home and was saying his daily prayers in front of the shrine and gonging the bell periodically. Mom says the neighbor thought the gonging was some type of "secret" code to the enemy and that her family was being paid to transmit secrets this way. They learned of their neighbor's paranoid delusion when the tax man showed up at their door to perform an audit of their books. Mom says the tax man went through their books with the determination of a pit bull, and made them account for every cent, to the very last penny, which they did. It took an entire week during which time the tax man and her father became very well acquainted. Somehow, during the audit, her father had made an arrangement with the tax man to give him one of his daughters to marry. Guess which one it was... Mom had dated some, but never found anyone she couldn't live without, and now she was getting married to a tax man she didn't even know for the sake of her family!

Mom had more than done her duty caring for her family in her childhood years, and in her later young adult years by building the shop's reputation and establishing a business that would be able to take care of her family for a generation. Her final sacrifice for the sake of her first family was her marriage to a stranger; which she accepted unhappily, but dutifully, and prepared for a new life.

Moms and Daughters

You can see it in their eyes,
in tender hugs and long good-byes,
a love that only moms and daughters know.
You can see it in their smiles,
through passing years and changing styles,
a friendship that continually seems to grow.
You can see it in their lives,
the joy each one of them derives,
in just knowing that the other one is there...
To care and to understand,
lend an ear or hold a hand,
and to celebrate the memories they share.

So Mom marries the tax man her father arranged to hand her over to, and she finds she's going to be living in the country far, far, away from the big city life she's built and loved. She arrives at the country home of her new husband and is greeted by his wary and unapproving mother and his distant and unapproachable father. Her mother-in-law initially mistakes her for a soft handed, big city girl, not used to the hard work required on a farm or saki business. The family she married into did not actually produce saki for resale, but they prepared the rice that was used by the saki makers and sold it in a processed state for a living. Her mother-in-law was the business leader in the family, and she often traveled to sell her product and to trade for rice to process. They had a staff they employed to process the rice, keep the grounds, and maintain the household duties. In those days, it was the responsibility of the employer to clothe, feed, house, and pay the people they employed. As you can imagine, depending on the size of your business and the number of people you employed, it could be quite an expense to maintain them all. This is where Mom earned the respect and loyalty of her mother-in-law. It was time to reoutfit the employees with their annual clothing allotment. Part of the process involved purchasing the material that would be used to make the uniforms for the employees. Because of Mom's expertise in pattern making, she was able to design the uniforms and layout the patterns to reduce the amount of material required by over 25%, and saved her new family a significant amount of money. Her mother-in-law was duly impressed, and Mom was put in charge of the help and household in her absence from that point on.

Her father-in-law was held in strict check by her mother-in-law, and he liked his saki, of which he was forbidden to partake when his wife was around. To win him over, Mom would save him a warm cup when they would brew it, and occasionally would treat him with his favorite surprise. They became secret "partners-in-crime" and developed a relationship of mutual understanding. It didn't take Mom long to win over her new family, who came to love and respect her even more than their own son.

Mom doesn't talk much about her first husband and their marriage except that he was prone to drink and was a womanizer. She didn't marry him for love, so his infidelity wasn't a major issue for her, until she found out he betrayed her with someone very close to her. She had just given birth to her first daughter who was less than one year old when she found out by accident that someone very close to her had also given birth to a child, but was unwed, unwell, and unable to care for the child. She also found out the other child was fathered by her husband. She was furious, not so much at her husband's infidelity, but that he could be so heartless as to leave the other woman without means of support or help, and walk away from the woman and the child with no remorse. She arranged to provide support and medical care for her friend and cared for the child herself while she also cared for her own child. She found a couple to adopt her friend's child and negotiated the paperwork to protect her friend from scandal, then made arrangements to leave her scoundrel husband.

When her mother-in-law learned of the scandalous behaviour of her son, she begged Mom not to leave. They did everything they could to convince her to stay, but she could not find it in her heart to forgive her husband for what he did to her friend, and she could not continue to live with him. As a last ditch effort, the family forbid her to take her child hoping it would make her stay; it broke her heart, but in the end she left her daughter in their care and she returned to the city. She tried many times to negotiate with them to let her have custody of her daughter, but they would not relent. She wrote often, and sent so many gifts and clothing to her daughther, the family asked her to please stop sending things. Leaving her baby daughter was one of the hardest things she ever had to do. I believe it left a scar on her heart that will never truly heal. I also believe that it was the terminal event in her life that steeled her resolve to never allow it to happen again, even if it meant her life.

When she returned to the city and her family learned what had happened to her, her father begged her forgiveness for giving her to such a worthless human being. She didn't blame her father; he was a fool, but not responsible for the actions of another man. Mom returned to her work as an expert tailor and shop owner and eventually met my father whom she did fall in love with and married at the age of 28. Dad was an American serviceman; young, goodlooking, funny, and full of wild oats. He swept Mom off her feet, convinced her to marry him, sailed her away from her own country and brought her to America in 1957.

Coming to America as a way to achieve success was never a dream or a goal for Mom. In fact, she probably would have been much more successful if she had stayed in her native country of Japan. But then if she had, you would not know her, and neither would I. She followed her new husband to his native land and they went home to meet his family who were farmers by trade in Oklahoma. The farm was complete with pigs, chicken, goats, and corn fields. Dad's family was also large. He was the youngest son of seven children. Mom says that my grandfather died of a heart attack when he found out Dad married a Japanese woman. I'm not sure if that is true or not, but at that time in America, it wasn't a good thing to be Japanese. It was probably a good thing that Dad was a career Army man, as his career took them many places. They were never stationed more than three years anywhere until he retired at the age of forty-five. Mom was ever the dutiful wife, and would have been an excellent business partner if Dad had had the foresight and wisdom, and had given her the respect she deserved. However, he didn't; and they stuggled to survive on his military pay for nineteen years. Although Mom had owned and run her own shop in Tokyo, Dad would not let her work outside the home. He also would not let her save or invest money for their future. They, like many other service families, barely made it to the end of the month with enough money for groceries. Mom tells us stories of how some of their friends had saved up and purchased properties in the states while they were stationed abroad. She tried to encourage Dad to do the same, but he wanted to party now, not save for later. That was to be their way of life throughout their marriage.

In the earlier years, Mom had tried to help with the household expenses by taking a translating position with a Japanese/American newspaper while they were stationed in Washington. She loved the job and interaction, but Dad was suspicious and jealous of her time and attention. He forced her to quit when a deadline for a printing took her away from home one evening, and she never went back. Later when they were stationed in Virginia, she had an opportunity and deep desire to take english classes to help her learn to read, speak, and write better. She would always make sure that everything at home was taken care of in advance, including dinner for us and Dad, so that she never slighted the family in the least at the expense of her own desires. She started the classes and was so excited to be learning english that she would tell Dad all about what she was learning after each class. I'm not sure why, or how, but perhaps Dad felt threatened by the possibility of Mom's ability to become more independent if she really grasped english and he made her quit her lessons, something she regrets to this day.

While we were based in Virginia, Dad was called away to serve in Vietnam. Not long after he deployed, Mom received a call from Dad's first wife asking if her younger daughter could come stay with us in Virginia until she graduated high school which would be about two years. Mom said of course that would be fine and my half-sister moved in with us. While she stayed with us she helped Mom cook and clean, and she babysat with us and even took us to the movies with her dates. I don't think her dates thought much of us in the back seat, but it made Mom feel better. Mom taught her how to sew, and while she lived with us my sister met and fell in love with her first husband who would be the father of her own three daughters eventually. Looking back, those were the halcyon days of our family existence. I remember we had a beige station wagon with two extra fold down seats in the back storage compartment that we loved sitting in; a beagle named Snoopy, and a nice cruising type boat and trailer that we took on family camping trips when Dad was home. I just don't remember Dad being home that much. While Dad was still in the service, he had a sense of belonging and purpose. His behaviour was held in check by the requirements of his military station. Once he retired and we moved back to his home state, he was not able to get a steady job with a good company. His brothers had promised to get him on at the company they worked for, but the job never materialized. Dad entered the construction business, and worked on contract from job to job. He became listless and eventually, he left us.

Mom didn't realize (or want to admit) until it was too late, how unequally yoked they were. By the time she did realize it, she had already become the mother of three children. For the sake of the children she would put up with far more than she ever would have alone until finally, the pain of staying became greater than the fear of leaving. By then, Mom had suffered continuing debt incurred by Dad's lack of self-control, infidelity, drunkenness, humiliation, and abuse to the point she no longer felt anything for Dad. Whatever hope she had for him was long ago worn away. Her love turned to suffering now only held a numbness and a desire to be free. Even though they were separated, Dad continued making debt obligations that Mom would find out about when the bills arrived and Dad not only wouldn't pay the bills, he did not provide support for us. Finally, one day she gathered up her courage and decided she would take the children and set out on her own. We would either make it together, or die together, and there was no way she was going to let us die.

Mom was forty-five when she divorced my Dad. They had only recently retired from the service and had built their first brand new home of which Mom was so proud. She picked the design, the carpet, the appliances, and finally had roots and a place to call her own. When they divorced, Dad didn't make alimony or child support payments, and Mom did not make enough money to be able to handle the house payments on her own. She lost the house and we were forced out on the street. She gathered us up and she put us in a hotel until she could figure out what to do. She had to move so quickly, and had nowhere to store her furniture so she left it in the garage with the expectation of coming back within a week to pick it up when she found a place for us. When she went back to get her stuff, the new owners of the house told her they got rid of it because they didn't think she was coming back. Now she had three children, and nothing but the clothes we packed, and a car. She tried applying for a loan, but she had never had credit in her own name, and she didn't make enough money to qualify on her own. She did have a job working as a seamstress for an alterations shop, and she was the best producer in the shop. With her expertise there was absolutely nothing she could not do; she quickly became the favorite of the shop owner. The shop owner befriended her when she learned of Mom's situation, she offered to loan her the money to buy a mobile home for $5500.00. This was Mom's first loan on her own and she was forever grateful and indebted to her boss for the act of kindness and trust that she placed in her.

The loan from her boss was a god-send and allowed her to establish a home base from which she could get on her feet and begin to rebuild a life for us all. She was determined to make it, and would do everything necessary to see that we all made it together. In those days, there was no welfare system that a family in true need could use without giving up absolutely everything to qualify. Mom's pride was too great to beg, and she still had her two hands, her stubborn head, and her steely determination. She would work as hard, as long, and as late as she had to to make ends meet. It would have been enough just to support three children on a woman's per piece commission pay, but she also had former debts to pay, that she was forced to assume as Dad was no where to be found. Since the debts were made while they were still married, she was equally responsible. As she was the only one of the two they could track down, she was the one who paid them. The debt collectors hounded her regularly, and she would explain to them over and over again her situation. She promised them she would pay them, and she did, even if it would only be five dollars a month at times.

In my reflections, I've noticed that Mom's life reads like a Japanese tragedy also, fraught with poignant valleys at almost every turn. The challenges of the first part of her life would have been enough to crush the spirit of the average person. The ensuing seasons were hard enough to crush the spirit of the strong. I just thank God that He endowed her with a spirit of steel, and a heart of gold.

The years after Mom's divorce were very difficult. Without the pretense of a family norm, and under the influence of the free-thinking, free-love generation, the three of us children ran wild. It was all Mom could do to work all day and then all through the night to keep food on the table, then wait for the school or authorities to call when one of us got into trouble. And we got into plenty of trouble. Mom appeared in court many times as the single parent responsible for three hoodlums. One of the social workers actually encouraged her to give us all up, we were so out of control. I won't go into all the gory details of the struggles Mom had to deal with during our teen-age rebellious years, but suffice it to say we each ended up doing some time in juvenile detention. Even then she did not abandon us. She traveled from one side of the state to the other to visit us every month, and never missed a visit.

She says she was lucky to have the boss and job she did, as she was allowed to take off work when she needed to (to take care of the problems we created for her) since she would always take the work home and work through the night to make it up. If she didn't work, she didn't get paid. She worked on commission for the tailor shop of her boss and friend for twelve years, and though she was continually recruited by top name department stores for much more money, she stayed where she was for the sake of her children.

Once we all grew up and moved away, Mom decided it was time to break out on her own again. She had been courted by a few of her customers to go into business with them, but had not been convinced enough by the offers to make the move. One day she went to lunch with one of the other seamstresses in the shop and during lunch they discovered they both wanted to have their own business. They began searching for a location the next day. Her friend had a friend who had operated a small alterations shop in the back of her home who happened to want to sell the property. They drew up the partnership papers and opened the doors to their new business in 1982. Her partner was French, and she was Japanese, so they named their shop Le Monde (The World). The shop went through many phases in the 20 years Mom owned it from start up, to a combined staff of 9, back to just Mom and her partner, to finally, just Mom. She closed the shop in 2002, at the age of 75 but only because we finally convinced her to come and live with me and my husband. At 75 she was still climbing trees in her back yard with chainsaws to remove branches. With none of her family close by to check in on her periodically, we didn't trust her to stay out of the trees, off the roof, etc. She didn't want to be a burden, and she didn't want to interfere in the married lives of her children. Imagine, after all she sacrificed and all she did for us while we were growing up and even afterwards, she didn't want to be a burden... I believe even now, that she only relented when my husband became ill. She came to live with us, not so we could take care of her, but so she could help take care of us.

What is so amazing to me now as I look back over the years, is how exceptionally Mom always provided for us. We never went hungry, and we never felt want in any major way. Of course we wanted things, like all children after the invention of television do. But we always had everything we needed, and most of the things we wanted. In fact, she worked so hard to provide for us and be both mother and father to us, I feel she overcompensated and actually spoiled us. She never wanted us to feel deprived, and she felt guilty that we didn't have a father in our lives. Personally, I never felt poor and really didn't know we were until much later in my life. Even now, I don't have memories of being poor. I just remember how hard my mother worked and what she personally sacrificed to give us every chance she could for us to survive and to thrive.

Although we didn't realize it at the time, the struggles she suffered and the ways she overcame them all would define our own lives forever. By the example of her life we were taught that there was no obstacle so great that it could not be overcome with perseverence and determination. We learned (much, much, later) that sacrifice is not a dirty word; and that it is not only necessary, but common in the lives of achievers. We have an old fashioned work ethic, and a family bond that cannot be weakened or broken by the conventions of the world. We learned that when the going gets tough if we will close rank and pull together as a family we can weather any storm life blows our way. We know there is a God and have seen His power demonstrated in Mom's life, and in our own.

Well, it's been 7 years since she once again became a daily presence in my life. It has been the most incredible blessing that I could have ever hoped to receive. Mom still gets up early, works around the house and the yard all day long, and goes to bed early. If I don't beat her to it, she still mows the lawn, and it's mostly she who takes care of the yard. At 82, she can still outwork me any day of the week.

I have come to many realizations over the years as I've grown older. Now I want the world to know what I have known for many, many years; how truly remarkable a woman my mother really is. On this Mother's Day, 2009, I want my beautiful Mom to know how much I appreciate all she's done in her life, for me and for everyone whose live's she's touched.

Happy Mother's Day Mom, I love you!