Top 10 places in France

Alsace
Alsace is France's smallest region and you'll find it in the top right-hand corner. It's sandwiched between the Vosges mountains to the West and the Black Forest mountains across the Rhine in Germany. It's a classic example of "horst and graben" geology from the Oligocene era (about 30 million BC.) Think of a Black Forest Gateau that's been heavily leant on. The good news is this makes Alsace one of France's driest regions, because er, the rain only rains on the hills and er, sorry Sir, can you explain that bit again?
More about the Alsace region

Aquitaine
Aquitaine is the bit in the bottom left-hand corner of France. 30,000 years ago, it was inhabited by Neanderthal Man, who was notoriously messy and never tidied his cave. Only recently, another untidy Neanderthal cave was discovered near Bourg-sur-Gironde, and archaeologists are still busy picking up stone axes, half-eaten boxes of Narwhal nuggets and unwashed underpants. Neanderthal Man's descendants can still be seen in Bordeaux today, usually when Girondins de Bordeaux are playing at home. More about Aquitaine region

Auvergne
In 52 BC, the advancing Romans ran into Vercingetorix, leader of the Gauls at the Battle of Gergovia. The Romans were soundly thrashed and were sent to bed without any tea. Retreating to the river Allier, they noticed the water's beneficial effect on tired, aching legionnaire limbs. They immediately downed spears and built Vichy as a spa town and health resort, thereby adding the leisure industry to their already impressive portfolio of ruthless colonialism and military innovation. Vichy is now home to the laboratories of beauty behemoth and skincare juggernaut L'Oréal. L'Oréal's famous slogan "Because I'm worth it" was changed recently to "Because you're worth it". L'Oréal's net annual revenue is about £12 billion, so they probably are worth it. More about Auvergne

Brittany
Brittany is the land of legends. In fact Brittany has more legends per head of the population than any other region of France. This is probably the fault of the Cornish Bretons, who settled there in vast numbers in the fifth century, bringing with them some clotted cream, some pasties, an impenetrable language and a line in very tall tales. By the time they arrived, the clotted cream and pasties had gone off so they threw them overboard. The language however survives in trips-off-the-tongue place names like Le Relecq-Kerhoun, and you can't drive more than a few kilometres without running into a Tall Tale. More about Brittany

Burgundy
Dijon is to mustard what Wellington is to boots. And tough-as-old boots is what the beef was like that went into the first Boeuf Bourguignon. Faced with an inedible lump of 95% beef gristle, an enterprising Burgundy chef decided to cook it very slowly in red wine until it was really sorry. After 3 days in the pot, the lump of gristle relented. This contingency recipe for intractable steak was adopted and made famous by France's celebrity chef, the Delia of Dijon, Auguste Escoffier. Escoffier, the Nigella of Nîmes (I could go on), also created the Peach Melba in honour of the Australian soprano Dame Nellie Peach. More about Burgundy

Centre
Ok first off, Centre isn't in the centre of France, it's more like middle-and-up-a-bit-and-left-a-bit. Secondly, it's probably the least poetic bit of administrative naming in the history of administrative naming. The locals aren't too chuffed about this, especially since Centre contains the majestic Loire valley with the finest collection of renaissance châteaux etc etc. Recently they discovered that the bureaucrat responsible for the renaming of their region is a town planner called Norman. They were led to Norman by his earlier, unsuccessful suggestion that the Côte d'Azur be renamed The Seaside. More about the Centre region.

Languedoc-Roussillon
Every year in Languedoc-Roussillon, millions of litres of perfectly-drinkable wine are assigned to the EU wine lake and turned into undrinkable industrial alcohol. Is that what you want? Cos that's what'll happen if you don't get down there sharpish. Languedoc-Roussillon is the single biggest wine-producing region in the world and until recently produced more wine that the whole of the USA. The relatively new Vin de Pays d'Oc classification has allowed winemakers to get away from traditional labeling (which apparently 70% of the French don't understand) and to market such brands as Red Bicyclette and Fat Bastard. However, unless you buy one of our properties in Languedoc-Roussillon, millions of bottles of Red Bastard will be turned into Brasso. Think about it. More on the Languedoc-Roussillon region.

Poitou-Charentes
Poitou-Charentes is half-way down France's Atlantic coast. The capital is the ancient university city of Poitiers. One in every three people in Poitiers is under the age of thirty and one in every four is a student. It follows then that two in every three people in Poitiers are over the age of thirty, though some of them may still be students. Of these, it is believed that as many as one in seven may be statisticians. More on the Poitou-Charentes.

Provence
Provence is the sunny bit at the bottom of France. There's a seaside bit (the Côte d'Azur), a marshy bit (the Camargue) and a hilly bit (the Alps). The earliest known settlement is a neolithic site from 6,000 BC located near Marseille's railway station, which shows just how advanced they were. The Greeks established Massalia as an 'emporium' (Cash 'n' Carry.) Next up were the Romans, who found the region such a pleasant holiday destination that they called it 'Our Province.' The Romans stayed for 300 years, during which time they built many ruins. In 275 AD Germanic tribes invaded Provence and have been doing so ever since. More on Provence.

Rhone-Alpes
The Rhône-Alpes region stretches from the river Rhône to the Alps. With me so far? It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter and they have some mountains, but then you probably knew that. What you may not know is that Danish artist Marco Evaristti was arrested last year whilst attempting to paint the peak of Mont Blanc red, and that twenty Swiss hot-tub enthusiasts successfully erected and used a jacuzzi on the summit (there are pictures on the net if you really want to see). More on Rhone-Alpes.