THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE EVER

I truly believe that laughter is good for the soul. There are so many things in this world we live in, which gives us pause and concern. Negative news, negative people, negative, negative, negative.

It is a blessing that organizations exist which strive to bring laughter and hilarity into our lives.

One of the most beneficent old organizations to do this for people is the famed FRIARS CLUB. They have always maintained that, "We only roast the ones we love," and I love them for the joy and entertainment which they have graced us with for over a century.

It is said that laughter is contagious. If so, then I can only hope and pray that more laughter can seep into the fabric of our society.

Established in 1904, the Friars Club is one of the most beloved Institutions in the world of entertainment. Among its many famous luminaries were "Old Blue Eyes" himself, Frank Sinatra, along with the Rat Pack, Jack Benny, Milton Berle, Don Rickles, and Lucille Ball. In later years, there came a new guard of Roast Masters with such names as Robin Williams, Billy Crystal, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Chevy Chase, and Whoopi Goldberg. And as would be expected, there is a whole new breed of Roasters. I have included a longer list of its Friars and Roastees below.

Many more of the world's most talented and beloved entertainers have passed through the doors of the Club which is known by insiders as the "Monastery." The guest list of Roastees has been impressive indeed. They include people like, John Wayne, Charleston Heston, Jimmy Stewart, Ronald Reagan, and jumping ahead a few decades, Matt Lauer.

The Friars have always entertained huge crowds and even back in 1910 the Press was writing about and commenting on the "bawdy" jokes and otherwise hilarious conversation emanating from these "classy" Friar's Club Testimonial Dinners. However, they eventually decided to privatize their events and go behind closed doors. They set it up as a stag-type, men only membership, which gave them the ability to be as raunchy as they pleased. They would select a guest of honor and let a group of top comedians go at them with the funniest, and sometimes dirtiest jokes and comments imaginable. Yet everything was done under the aegis of the Friars favorite motto, "We only Roast the ones we love!"

Every Roast has a special place in the Friars history books. They are the footprints on the Friars hilarious path of comedy:
Johnny Carson relieved himself into a champagne bucket during his oh so long event in 1965 and he also introduced Lucille Ball as Lucille Testicle at her Roast in 1961. Comedian Phyllis Diller dressed like a man to sneak into the all-male Roast of Sid Caesar in 1983 (the Friars didn't allow women in as members until 1988). Bruce Willis presented comic legend Milton Berle with an enormous dildo at his 1988 Roast. Ted Danson came out in blackface at Whoopi Goldberg's 1993 Roast. Kelsey Grammer flipped his Dodge Viper and ended up in the Betty Ford Clinic the day before his 1996 Roast and the Friars had to reschedule a month later, and the list goes on and on.

The Roasts have always been a staple of American humor but found a new audience once they threw open the doors in 1998 to televise their formerly secret events on Comedy Central. Drew Carey, Jerry Stiller, Rob Reiner, Hugh Hefner, and Chevy Chase were all skewered in front of the cameras before an audience that introduced a new demographic to the Friars Club's humor.
Hugh Hefner was Roasted in 2001 soon after 9/11 and once again the Friars Club Roast was front and center of controversy. The decision to continue as planned or postpone the event weighed heavily on the Friars, Comedy Central, and Hefner himself. They needed answer the question many comedians were asking at that time: is the country ready to laugh? The answer was yes, they needed to. Along with contributions to 9/11 charities made by the Friars, Comedy Central, and Hugh Hefner, the comedians found an audience that was ready to get back on the laughter track. Gilbert Gottfried's performance made headlines and a place in the critically acclaimed film The Aristocrats.
The Friars continue to cross boundaries and knock down mores all in the name of a few good laughs. Even when it's at someone else's expense, their friends, their peers, and their admirers do it, so there's really no harm in that. And if the guest of honor walks away laughing then we know we've done our job.

Between 1998 and 2002, the roasts were aired on Comedy Central. The channel later produced its own roasts under the title of Comedy Central Roast independently of the Friars' Club roasts. Comedy Central Roasts since 2003 are produced by Denis Leary's company, Apostle.

The following is a list of who has been roasted each year:

* 1950 - Sam Levenson
* 1951 - Phil Silvers
* 1951 - Harry Delf
* 1951 - Mel Allen
* 1952 - Leo Durocher
* 1952 - Rocky Marciano
* 1953 - Sophie Tucker
* 1953 - Milton Berle
* 1953 - Eddie Fisher
* 1954 - Red Buttons
* 1954 - Martha Raye
* 1955 - Humphrey Bogart, Roastmaster Red Buttons
* 1956 - Sammy Davis, Jr.
* 1957 - Joe E. Lewis
* 1958 - Red Buttons
* 1959 - Milton Berle
* 1959 - Jimmy Cannon
* 1959 - Jack E. Leonard
* 1960 - George Burns
* 1961 - Lucille Ball
* 1961 - Alan King
* 1962 - Jan Murray
* 1962 - Johnny Carson
* 1963 - Steve Lawrence
* 1963 - Jack Benny
* 1964 - Jack Carter
* 1964 - Nat "King" Cole
* 1964 - Sammy Davis, Jr.
* 1965 - Marty Allen & Steve Rossi
* 1965 - Soupy Sales
* 1966 - Al Kelly
* 1966 - John V. Lindsay
* 1967 - Milton Berle
* 1968 - Harry Belafonte
* 1968 - Don Rickles
* 1969 - Jack E. Leonard
* 1970 - David Frost
* 1971 - Phil Silvers
* 1971 - Pat Henry
* 1972 - Ed McMahon
* 1973 - Henny Youngman
* 1974 - George Raft
* 1974 - Milton Berle
* 1975 - Redd Foxx
* 1976 - Telly Savalas
* 1977 - Joey Adams
* 1977 - Totie Fields
* 1978 - Neil Simon
* 1979 - Robert Merrill
* 1979 - Norm Crosby
* 1980 - George Steinbrenner
* 1981 - Jim Dale
* 1982 - Dick Shawn
* 1983 - Sid Caesar
* 1983 - Roger Grimsby
* 1984 - Chuck Scarborough
* 1984 - Rolland Smith
* 1985 - Phyllis Diller
* 1986 - Jerry Lewis
* 1987 - Rich Little
* 1988 - Ernest Borgnine
* 1989 - Bruce Willis
* 1990 - Chevy Chase
* 1991 - Richard Pryor, Roastmaster Paul Mooney
* 1992 - Billy Crystal
* 1993 - Whoopi Goldberg
* 1994 - Bob Newhart
* 1995 - Steven Segal
* 1996 - Kelsey Grammer
* 1997 - Danny Aiello, Roastmaster Joy Behar
* 1998 - Drew Carey, Roastmaster Ryan Stiles
* 1999 - Jerry Stiller, Roastmaster Jason Alexander
* 2000 - Rob Reiner, Roastmaster Michael McKean
* 2001 - Hugh Hefner, Roastmaster Jimmy Kimmel
* 2002 - Chevy Chase, Roastmaster Paul Shaffer
* 2003 - The Smothers Brothers, Roastmaster Susie Essman (replacing Richard Belzer)[1]
* 2004 - Donald Trump, Roastmaster Regis Philbin
* 2005 - Don King, Roastmaster Donald Trump
* 2006 - Jerry Lewis, Roastmaster Richard Belzer
* 2007 - Pat Cooper, Roastmaster Lisa Lampanelli
* 2008 - Matt Lauer, Roastmaster Al Roker

I'm against the $85 BILLION bailout of AIG. Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a "We Deserve It" dividend. To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bona fide U.S. citizens, aged 18+.
Our population is about 301 million counting every man, woman and child. So, 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up. Now, divide 200 million, 18+ adults into $85 billion - that equals $425,000.00 each! Yes, my plan is to give that $425,000 to every adult as a "We Deserve It" dividend.
Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So, let's assume a tax rate of 30%. Everyone would pay $127,500.00 in taxes. That sends $25.5 billion right back to Uncle Sam! It also means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket. A husband and wife would have $595,000.00!
What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00?
a. Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.
b.. Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads.
c.. Put away money for college - it'll really be there.
d.. Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
e.. Buy a new car - create jobs .
f.. Invest in the market - capital drives growth.
g.. Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves.
h.. Enable deadbeat parents to come clean - or else.
Remember this is for every adult U.S. citizen, 18 and older (including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehmann Brothers and every other company that is cutting back) and of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.
If we're going to re-distribute wealth, let's really do it!
Instead of trickling out a puny $1,000.00 "economic incentive".
If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail ut every adult U.S. citizen!
As for AIG - liquidate it.
a.. Sell off its parts.
b.. Let American General go back to being American General.
c.. Sell off the real estate.
d.. Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.
We deserve the money and AIG doesn't. Sure it's a crazy idea, but can you imagine the coast-to-coast block party?!
How do you spell Economic Boom? W-e D-e-s-e-r-v-e I-t d-i-v-i-d-e-n-d! I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion "We Deserve It" dividend more than do the 'geniuses' at AIG or in Washington, D.C.. And remember, my plan really only costs $59.5 billion because $25.5 billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.
Good idea? Well...Just think about it.

Fri. Oct. 3, 2008

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The proposed outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

Synagogue Seating Request Form

During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over
the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in
a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following
questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)
___ Talking section
___ No talking section
2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest:)
___ Stock market
___ Sports
___ Medicine
___ Congregants' secret medical tragedies
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose:)
___ The rabbi
___ The rabbi's wife
___ The cantor
___ The cantor's wife
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ Your neighbours
___ Your relatives
___ Your neighbours' relatives
___Sex (Preference:)________________)
___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
___ Other: ____________________________
3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
___ Doctor
___ Dentist
___ Nutritionist
___ Psychiatrist
___ Child psychiatrist
___ Mother in law
___ Podiatrist
___ Chiropractor
___ Stockbroker
___ Accountant
___ Lawyer
___ Criminal
___ Civil
___ Real estate agent
___ Architect
___ Plumber
___ Buyer (Specify store:_____________________ )
___ Sexologist
___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one]
___ Other: ____________________________
4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
___ On the aisle
___ Near the exit
___ Near the window
___ In Aruba
___ Near the bathroom
___ Near my in-laws
___ As far away from my in-laws as possible
___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
___ Near the pulpit
___ Near the Kiddush table
___ Near single men
___ Near available women
___ Near anyone who's available-I'm bisexual or just not particular
___ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza
6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people: (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
_________________________ __________________________
_________________________ _________________________
_________________________ __________________________
Your name: _________________________________
Building fund pledge: _________________________
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Jokes will resume Thursday Oct. 2, 2008

Mon. Sept. 29, 2008

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his stretch limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
He asked one of the men, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have no choice. We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree'
'Bring them along' the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the stretch limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place. .........The grass is almost a foot high.
Fri. Sept. 26, 2008

"For Better or For Worse"
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Thurs. Sept. 25, 2008

Quotation
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation the other eight are unimportant." -- Henry Miller
Wed. Sept. 24, 2008

"At The Zoo"
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"

Tues. Sept. 23, 2008

Sent by one of the ladies
Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why do men masturbate?
It's sex with someone they love.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Mon. Sept. 22, 2008

An elderly lady is preparing to board her flight to Tel Aviv. She hands an animal carrier box over to the flight attendant and tells her "Please take good care of my Cocker Spaniel.
The flight attendant assures the lady that everything will be just fine and she should relax and enjoy her flight without any worry about her dog.
When the plane lands in Tel Aviv the flight attendant approaches the baggage handlers and asks for the carrier containing the precious Cocker Spaniel. Upon opening the box they see that the dog is stone cold dead!
Panic sets in and the flight attendant tells the baggage handler "Don't worry. All Cocker Spaniels look alike. Rush into town and buy a new one and hurry back. In the meanwhile I will delay the woman from asking for her dog."
The baggage handler rushes off to fetch a new Cocker as the flight attendant approaches the woman for a chat. The elderly woman says "I really hope nothing has happened to my dog. It would be terrible if he were lost!" Just then the baggage handler runs up to them and hands the lady the carrier.
She opens the box and out jumps a beautiful Cocker Spaniel who proceeds to lick her face in frantic greeting. The elderly woman gives out a shriek and says "This is NOT my dog! This is definitely not my dog!" The flight attendant says "How can you be so sure this is not your Cocker Spaniel?"
The old lady looks her straight in the eye and says.. "My dog was dead and I brought him to be buried in Israel!"
Fri. Sept. 19, 2008

Dog's Pet Peeves
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
5. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?
6. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
7. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?
8. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
Thurs. Sept. 18, 2008

An African American Buddy recently Explained Color to me.
He said:
When I was born I was black,
When I grew up I was black,
When I'm sick I'm black,
When I go in the sun I'm black,
When I'm cold I'm black,
When I die I'll be black.
But you:
When you're born you're pink,
When you grow up you're white,
When you're sick, you're green,
When you go in the sun you turn red,
When you're cold you turn blue,
and when you die you turn purple.
And you call me colored!!!

Wed. Sept. 17, 2008

It seems that during an examination at Cambridge University, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):
"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later, after a careful perusal of the old document, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
Tues. Sept. 16, 2008

I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that I had left the light on in the shed. She could see from the bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things.
I phoned the police, and they told me that no one was in the area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.
I said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.
"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said:
"I thought you said that you shot them!"
I replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Mon. Sept. 15, 2008

Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs are: phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently from Curves, although when I ask their names she always says, 'Just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head..
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Signed, Concerned Husband and Golfer
Fri. Sept. 12, 2008

Today we pay our respects to the victims of 911
Thurs. Sept. 11, 2008

"Disappearing Wife"
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Wed. Sept. 10, 2008

Political Correctness
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as ......APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
Furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
Tues. Sept. 9, 2008

"The Test"
An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they were not home.
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality.
Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn! Our son is going to be a Senator someday!"
Mon. Sept. 8, 2008

A young couple has sex, and when they're finished, she looks in the box of condoms, and there's only six left out of twelve. She says, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

He says, "I, uh, used them to make balloon animals for my niece." That night she tells a male friend what happened, and she says, "Have you ever done that?"

He says, "Of course. All the time." She says, "Really? You've made balloon animals out of condoms?"

He says, "Oh, no. I thought you were asking me if I've ever lied to my girlfriend."
Big thanks to Friar Jackie Martling
Fri. Sept. 5, 2008

"Disappearing Wife"
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Thurs. Sept. 4, 2008

This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him...
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful... "Christ!" he says, "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends while your partner whipped me with some wet celery?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."
Wed. Sept. 3, 2008

Political Correctness
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as ......APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
Furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
Tues. Sept. 2, 2008

Some comments made during the Summer Olympics that I am sure they would like to retract:
1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul H