Lawyer Jokes & Quotes
Ranked #2,915 in Entertainment, #36,241 overall
Courtroom and Lawyer Jokes
Welcome to some legal pun / fun (Law and Lawyer jokes and quotes!). The Legal profession of Lawyers have a dubious distinction of playing 'Doctors'! Yes, I am sure you have heard that 'Laughter is the best medicine'. It is no wonder that humor helps us relieve ourselves out of mental stress. There is legitimate case for law and lawyers to feel like doctors indeed! Here is a compilation of a few funny situations and anecdotes from the various courts and courtrooms; hilarious lawyer jokes and humor about law (call them whatever); lawyer quotes and quotations and more. Some are actual incidents from life and some are from the cranial kitchens. However, have some fun and please hold on to your chair, because lawyers don't lie; they just move their lips about (legally speaking!).
Image Courtesy:
commons.wikimedia.org
A World Without Lawyers
Fun from the Courtroom
Humor at its wittiest
Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"-----------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
--------------------------------------------
Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
-------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
--------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
---------------------------------------------
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
-------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
--------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
--------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
-----------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
-----------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
A: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
--------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
---------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk, in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
Courtroom Humor
Laughter in Court - The Case of Mary Anne Butler by Brian Comerford
Mrs. Mary Ann Butler sued the West Clare Railway Company more...0 points
Strange Laws Relating To Dating and Marriage All Governmens Make When They Have Nothing Better To Do (political humor) by Robert Pelton
An Outlandish Collection of World-Wide Rib-Tickling more...0 points
The Renegade Lawyer: Legal Humor for Law Students, Attorneys, and Other Interested Third Parties by Eric Zyla
The Renegade Lawyer satirizes today's legal profes more...0 points
ACME'S HOUSE OF HUMOR: Trust Me... Lawyer Jokes
'Welcome!'%u2026 lied the lawyer! Finally, a singl more...0 points
Trials and Tribulations: Appealing Legal Humor
A collection of the best legal humor by famous humorists more...0 points
The World's Funniest Lawyer Jokes: A Caseload of Jurisprudential Jest by Steven D. Price
The most clever, sidesplitting collection of lawyer more...0 points
Lawyers: Jokes, Quotes, and Anecdotes by Andrews McMeel Publishing
When the Bill Of Rights contains 297 words, and Li more...0 points
Don't Even Think About Telling this Joke to a Lawyer by Harry Bergen
Perfect for lawyers and those who hate them. How are more...0 points
The Greatest Lawyer Jokes Of All Time by William L Pfeifer Jr.
The Greatest Lawyer Jokes Of All Time: A Collectio more...0 points
Lawyer Quotes
Quotes on and about Lawyers
"Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer." - Will Rogers"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." - William Shakespeare
"A good lawyer knows the law. A clever one takes the judge to lunch." - Anon
"A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns." - Mario Puzo
"The one great principle of English law is to make business for itself." - Charles Dickens
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer." - Robert Frost
"Lawyers, I suppose, were children once." - Charles Lamb
"A lawyer is a learned gentleman who rescues your estate from you enemies and keeps it to himself." - Henry Bougham
"America is the paradise of lawyers." - David Brewer
"Lawyers are always more ready to get a man into troubles than out of them." - William Goldsmith
"An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer." - Anon
"A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth." - Patrick Murray
Beat the Lawyer
Some Lawyer Jokes
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did God make snakes before lawyers?
A: To practice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a Rhino?
A: The lawyer charges more.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was caught embezzling millions from his employer and went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail, and so his lawyer said, "don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money. And the lawyer was right.
When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is legally prohibited. If accidentally struck, move the dead attorney's remains to roadside, and clear the evidence at the nearest car wash.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once the devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and you will live to be a hundred. All I need in return, is for your wife's soul, your children's' souls and their children's souls to rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, "what's the catch?"
A: Professional courtesy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did God make snakes before lawyers?
A: To practice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a Rhino?
A: The lawyer charges more.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was caught embezzling millions from his employer and went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail, and so his lawyer said, "don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money. And the lawyer was right.
When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is legally prohibited. If accidentally struck, move the dead attorney's remains to roadside, and clear the evidence at the nearest car wash.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once the devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and you will live to be a hundred. All I need in return, is for your wife's soul, your children's' souls and their children's souls to rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, "what's the catch?"
Can we call Twitter Humor as Tumor?
The Amazon Courtroom
Press Play to listen
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Featured for Fun & Entertainment
Seriously Funny QuotesWelcome to Seriously funny life quotes! Here is a really cool collection of the best, wittiest, funniest, stupidest, nastiest crankiest quotes and hilarious ...
Funny Wedding & Marriage QuotesThere are many who believe that 'Marriage is not a word - it is a sentence!' Whether you are indeed 'married' or if you are 'single', I am sure that funny qu...
Funny Hangover QuotesWelcome to the fun hangover and drinking quotes page. Every discerning drinker likes his / her drink, as much as they are loath for a case of the dreaded mor...
Hilarious One LinersRidiculously funny and hilarious one liners & quotes are collected and compiled for short bursts of laughs and lol factor for your entertainment. Feel fr...
Welcome to the collection of fun, funny and funky bumper stickers for your car or for your bike. Bumper stickers tend to make a bold and a humorous statement...
Famous Company Logo QuizWelcome to the Company logo / emblem quiz! All major Corporate companies big or small, vie for attention with their catchy logos. Their main aim is 'image ma...
Acronyms for Fun and LearningAcronyms and abbreviations, whether true or not, add colour, fun and interest to our language, and thereby they act as mnemonics, or as memory devices; latel...
Fun with EnglishFun with English, or funny English language, or plain fun English; before we start, please pop-in the chill pill and try to stay cool. Learning English is fu...
Fun Science Games for KidsThe best way to learn science for kids is through practical fun learning exercises and educational games. When children are allowed to experiment with scient...
Lawyer Humor from Google
- Legal Laughs
- By Keith Loria Chances are, you've heard plenty of lawyer jokes like this in your lifetime, as those in the legal profession seem ripe for the picking. Last year, six attorneys teamed up to show the comedy world that the jokes don't always have to be ...
- REVIEW: 'Old Jews Telling Jokes' dishes out vintage yocks
- A show that more or less hilariously lives up to its title, this sometimes smutty parade of vintage jokes ? sex jokes, doctor jokes, ethnic jokes, lawyer jokes, marriage jokes, assimilation jokes, retirement jokes, desert island jokes; you name it, ...
- A Living Lawyer Joke
- Too bad there aren't any new lawyer jokes emerging from this fiasco. The old ones pretty much have it covered. Do you know what's wrong with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny, and everyone else thinks they're not jokes.
- One of the 10 joke books created by Santa Monica resident Bill Schwartz.
- The books are by specific topic, ranging from ?Despicable Golf Jokes? to ?Trust Me: Lawyer Jokes.? All 10 books are now available for download through Amazon's Kindle program, with other electronic formats soon to follow. Each book is priced $1.99.
Your Verdict Please
-
-
TLRaghavan
May 18, 2012 @ 5:17 am | delete
- You must be legally joking! Thanks for the fun.
-
-
-
Pinkchic18
Feb 21, 2012 @ 8:31 am | delete
- Too funny! I chuckled all the way through :)
-
-
-
CruiseReady Dec 13, 2011 @ 6:42 am | delete
- :Loved every one of these lawyer jokes - and my step sn is a lawyer,!
-
-
-
cme731
Sep 28, 2011 @ 3:52 am | delete
- Very funny lens. I really enjoyed this.
-
-
-
fireblazzer
Aug 25, 2011 @ 11:34 am | delete
- i kinda would like to be a lawyer.. . i think i will be good at it, if i do become one
-
-
-
alteredkat
Aug 17, 2011 @ 6:16 am | delete
- Thanks for the chuckle!
-
-
-
goo2eyes
Jul 19, 2011 @ 3:34 pm | delete
- thank goodness, i'm not a lawyer.
-
-
-
goo2eyes
Jul 19, 2011 @ 3:33 pm | delete
- Ha,Ha,Ha!!! He,He,He! Hi,Hi,Hi! Ho,Ho,Ho! Very funny, indeed!
-
-
-
---Chazz
Jul 2, 2011 @ 6:11 pm | delete
- Very funny. LOL.
-
-
-
lawpost
Jun 27, 2011 @ 5:53 pm | delete
- Few professionals are more worthy of light-hearted jabs than attorneys... maybe dentists. Dentists take themselves way too seriously.
-
-
-
Gerald_McConway Jun 26, 2011 @ 7:31 am | delete
- Have a heard a lot of these before, but they never get old. You have to wonder how much money some of these guys wasted on their educations when you read some of these blurbs from the courtroom.
-
-
-
hamshi5433
Jun 20, 2011 @ 12:00 pm | delete
- LOL! Thank you for the quick laughtime on a busy busy day..really enjoyed it ha :D
-
-
-
bejeezers Jun 19, 2011 @ 8:49 am | delete
- Really funny. I thoroughly enjoyed your lense.
-
-
-
Momsbusy247
Jun 14, 2011 @ 10:21 pm | delete
- These are just so funny
-
-
-
momsfunny Jun 3, 2011 @ 8:52 am | delete
- Thanks for the laugh this morning!
-
-
-
masunyoananda
Jun 3, 2011 @ 8:21 am | delete
- Wow..great....thanks a lot for sharing..........
-
-
-
ChrisDay
Jun 3, 2011 @ 8:15 am | delete
- Just wonderful!
-
-
-
peppypatricia
May 17, 2011 @ 11:45 pm | delete
- ha ha ha thanks for the laugh
-
-
-
sukkran May 16, 2011 @ 2:01 am | delete
- very funny quotes collection. really interesting.
-
-
-
UKGhostwriter
May 8, 2011 @ 8:30 am | delete
- Brilliant! - very funny. A nice distraction.
-
-
-
kitty222
Apr 29, 2011 @ 2:47 pm | delete
- This is a funny one. I would've liked to be the judge on those days.
-
-
-
LizMac60 Apr 24, 2011 @ 3:33 am | delete
- It's good to show yourself as an all round character. I've had my medecine for today.
-
-
-
SereneSea Apr 24, 2011 @ 2:23 am | delete
- There is absolutely no doubt, laughter is the best medicine.
-
About the Author
Featured Pages & Articles
by karmicchristian
Hi, My name is Charles - author of the book Karma in Christianity. I write on theology, theophilosophy, personal development & healthy living. I welcome... more »
Feeling creative?
Create a Lens!
Explore related pages
Featured Lenses
Karma in Christianity - Kindle Edition
Karma in Christianity
Amazon Price: (as of 06/01/2012)
Kindle Fire
Kindle Fire, Full Color 7" Multi-touch Display, Wi-Fi
Amazon Price: $199.00 (as of 06/01/2012)
eBooks are best read on a Kindle!
