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jokes on me

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Laughing and jokes are food for the soul.

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My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

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Marriage Jokes
_____________
_____________
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
_____________________________________________________________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
________________________________________________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
________________________________________________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________________________________________________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
__________________________________________________
.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
___________________________________________________

A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
___________________________________________________

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
___________________________________________________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________________________________________________

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
___________________________________________________

" A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "
_____________________________________________________

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."
_____________________________________________________

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_______________MORE JOKES

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
>
> Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
>
> The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy
> crap. That must be my husband!'
>
> So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
> He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car
> as fast as he could go.
>
> A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
> at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
>
> The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
>
> And then the fight started.....
_____________

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To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be six again',she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday,he arose early, made her a nice big bowl ofLucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park;the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you moron!!!!" The moral of the story:Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We need to take a break and have some fun.Jokes are good for the soul.No bad jokes please,bad means racial or deamening jokes.Do not hurt someone feeling ,make them laugh instead.
Give us a shot,makes us laugh.

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New Astrology.com LoveScope Widget

Marriage and love jokes

> My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
> asked, 'What's on TV?'
>
> I said, 'Dust.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- -----
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
> seconds.'
>
> I bought her a scale.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- -----
>
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- -----
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
> Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
> to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
> wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
> to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
> curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
> enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office.
>
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- -----
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
> kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
> nearby table.
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
> drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
> hasn't been sober since.'
>
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
> that long?'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
>
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> --------- -----
>
>
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
> order first.
>
> "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
>
> Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- ---
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
> 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
> I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
>
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
>
> And then the fight started.....
>
> ------------ --------- --------- ------
>
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
>
> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
>
> I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
> cream.
>
> And then the fight started....
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
>
> My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her
> not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
>
> and then the fight started.....
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
>
> A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
>
> Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
>
> The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy
> crap. That must be my husband!'
>
> So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
> He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car
> as fast as he could go.
>
> A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
> at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
>
> The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
>
> And then the fight started.....
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
> the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
>
> I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
> torrential downpour.
>
> The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
> the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
>
> I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
> whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
>
> My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
> out fishing in that?'
>
> And then the fight started ...
>
>
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
>
>
>
> I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
>
> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere
> I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
>
> So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
>
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
>
> My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
> bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
>
> "No," she answered.
>
> I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
>
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
>
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>
> And that's when the fight started....

My Favorite Links

Put a smile on your face

Coffee lovers stop here for a cup of java.

Putting a smile on your face every day of the year.: Putting a smile on your face every day of the year.
Many jokes and laughs here: Stop here load up some jokes before you head out on a date or to a party
Thousands of Jokes come on have a luagh: really loaded with jokes and funny stuff
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My prediction

Reader predictions:

Fetching predictions now... please stand by

GetSillyProductions, at 2am on February 4, 2011 predicts:

great jokes, I'm thieving the millionaire one to tell at work

adwanco, at 4pm on January 23, 2011 predicts:

Thank all .lets just laugh.2011 is going to be happy year for all who read this lens.LOL

ajgodinho, at 4pm on January 23, 2011 predicts:

Everyone will be laughing as they undress (oops, I mean read) this lens top to bottom! ;)

LaraineRose, at 5am on November 7, 2009 predicts:

I predict that this lens will go to #1 in Entertainment very quickly. Who doesn't like a good joke. Some of us just need to look in the mirror.

Ladymermaid, at 9am on June 16, 2009 predicts:

That if you see the world like your personalized playground, all roses, fairy folk and sweet stuff. Then something amazing will happen and that is exactly what your world will become.
Very cute article
Thank you for a morning chuckle

1 of 2 pages

jokes on me

Laughing and jokes are food for the soul.

Contents at a Glance

Contents at a Glance

Table of Contents

Click on links below for faster access

New Astrology.com LoveScope Widget

Marriage and love jokes

My Favorite Links

Put a smile on your face

Reader Feedback

My prediction

Reader predictions:

GetSillyProductions, at 2am on February 4, 2011 predicts:

adwanco, at 4pm on January 23, 2011 predicts:

ajgodinho, at 4pm on January 23, 2011 predicts:

LaraineRose, at 5am on November 7, 2009 predicts:

Ladymermaid, at 9am on June 16, 2009 predicts:

Thanks for your prediction!

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My Wife,s new face

mother in law joke..real funny

I love King of the hill

Dale Gribble's True Love

Difference between men and women

The Battle of the sexes

Great Stuff on Amazon

Great Stuff on eBay

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7. Caption Contest

1

OK, if the masters's not back in ten minutes, we build a fire.

2

lord of the fleas

3

No one can prove anything, evidence is all buried.

4