funky funy jokes

> My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
> asked, 'What's on TV?'
>
> I said, 'Dust.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
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>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
> seconds.'
>
> I bought her a scale.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
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>
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
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>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
> Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
> to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
> wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
> to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
> curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
> enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office.
>
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
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>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
> kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
> nearby table.
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
> drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
> hasn't been sober since.'
>
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
> that long?'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
>
>
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>
>
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
> order first.
>
> "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
>
> Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- ---
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
> 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
> I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
>
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
>
> And then the fight started.....
>
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>
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
>
> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
>
> I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
> cream.
>
> And then the fight started....
>
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>
> My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her
> not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
>
> and then the fight started.....
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
>
> A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
>
> Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
>
> The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy
> crap. That must be my husband!'
>
> So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
> He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car
> as fast as he could go.
>
> A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
> at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
>
> The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
>
> And then the fight started.....
>
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>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
> the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
>
> I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
> torrential downpour.
>
> The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
> the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
>
> I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
> whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
>
> My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
> out fishing in that?'
>
> And then the fight started ...
>
>
>
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>
>
>
> I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
>
> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere
> I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
>
> So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
>
> And that's when the fight started....
>
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>
> My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
> bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
>
> "No," she answered.
>
> I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
>
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
>
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>
> And that's when the fight started....