Hilarious Emails

Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments'. One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with one of my children, in case you would like to use the technique.



This works with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.

Someone finally managed to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow.

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.



The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.



The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.



"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Afew days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blond woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other, and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It's always been there."

The mechanic gave the blond a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Scroll down to see what a 710 is!

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A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those witches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

Iwas packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,"Daddy, look at this", and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

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Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl

Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick





Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly



Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

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A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.

Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway. why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit. That's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde: "Oh! Thanks for letting me know! I'll be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde: "Oh! We just got off of highway 119."

A little boy went up to his father and asked; "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."



"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."



A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.



An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he had been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."



Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve a Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

Adorable and Funny!
What more could you ask for?

I'm still waiting....

I did what you told me ...

I sent the email to 10 people like you said ...

I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen.

To all my friends who in the last year sent me best wishes, chain letters, angel letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something, NONE OF THAT CRAP WORKED!

For 2009, could you please just send money, chocolate, movie tickets, or even better... gas vouchers instead!

Thank you!

Awoman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

'What's the matter?' he asks.

'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.

'What the heck is anal glaucoma?'

'I can't see my butt coming into work today'.

Gives new meaning to the term low rider at high tide and full moon.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house." The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them." "For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."



Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

So, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

* Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

* Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

* Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

* Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

* All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

* Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

* Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

* Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

* No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

* A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

* Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line," We talk to everybody!

* Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

* In the South, y'all is singular, all y'alls is plural.

* Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

* Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

* When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

* Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

* And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.



To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!

Now Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been!

If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could!

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The Cohens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Cohen turned to his wife Becky. "Show him, honey."

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If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Short version: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Now, here's the long version:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious Dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb!)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.

He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," I replied.

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Story Summary:
2 Lizards - $140...
1 Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie... Priceless!

Moral of the story:
Finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.



Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know." said the first, "but it sure made a hole in Juan."



Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."



A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm OK. , but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"



While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

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Hilarious Emails
© 2009 - Crystal D. Booth


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