Hilarious Emails and Pictures

Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a whole week of personal training at the local health club for me!!!! I am so excited!!!!

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. Oh, wow, a real Barbie doll!!!

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.



MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!



TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.



WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the STAIR MONSTER. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stupid stuff too.



THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny model to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.



FRIDAY:

I hate that awful Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would punch her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?



SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. Yes, even my thumbs hurt. For heaven's sake, my HAIR hurts!!!!



SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little idiot) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! Or Godiva chocolates!!!!

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man Of Your House'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

'The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?"

Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?"



* Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

* Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

* Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?



* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

* Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

* Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

* Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?



* If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

* Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

* Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

* Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?



* Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

* How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

* Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

* In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?



The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.' The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. 'What do you think frog?' the man asks. 'Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, 'OK where to next?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas'.



They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now what?' The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.' Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, 'What do you think I should bet?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.



The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Kiss Me.' He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.



'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God!'

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

Do you know what would have happened if there would have been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?

They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, brought practical gift, and there would have been Peace on Earth.



Pass this on the wise women in your life.

Alabama: Yes, we have electricity

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California: As Seen on TV "Sin, Sex, Sun and Fun"

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru - Mahalo
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money, Thank You.)

Idaho: Potatoes and Neo Nazi's %u2026 What More Could You Ask For?

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean Nothing

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work, Let Me Show You!!!

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, Left-Wing Kooks and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest - Where's the beef?

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney%u2026

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan - We're Buckeyes!

Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl%u2026 It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island, really!

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds, Liberals and other Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where men are men and sheep are scared

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples:

Freezer Bags: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Photocopiers: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

Tires: Male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

Hot Air Balloons: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

Sponges: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

Webpages: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

Trains: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

Egg timers: Female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammers: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

The Remote Control: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this - It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied, 'It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'

Irear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. And you know how you just get so stressed out and life seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could not believe my eyes. He was a dwarf! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

And that's when the fight started.

Ayoung couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well,"said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!" Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language; things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home, PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby girl, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama, he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook."

"I'll pick you up in 20 minutes," said the mother.

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an car accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living
room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room
to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE -
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you %u2026 Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC -
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me AGRICULTURE -
"If you don't stop swallowing those seeds, you're going to have watermelons growing out your nose."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on! Don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX -
"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand.

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.




2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.




3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.




4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers.




5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.




6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!




7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium!






8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.




9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.




10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill.

I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.'
Server: 'That'll be $1.04.

I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and says, 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.'

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'
Manager: 'No. A what?'
Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.'
Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'
Server: 'Yeah, thought so.'


He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these. Do you have anything else?'
Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?'
Server: 'I don't know.'
Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'
Server: 'Yeah.'
Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'
Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'
Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'
Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'
Server: 'What should I do?'
Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'
Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'
Manager: 'Just tell him.'
Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.


The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'

Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'
Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'
Me: 'Why not?'
Manager: 'I think you know why.'
Me: 'No really, tell me why.'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'Excuse me?'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'What on earth for?'
Manager: 'Please, sir.'
Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'
Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'
Me: 'No.'
Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'
Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner.

I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.


Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'
Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'
Guard: 'No kidding! What?'
Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'
Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.'
Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'
Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'
Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'
Guard: 'Yeah.'

Security Guard walks over to me and...
Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'
Me: 'Uh, no.'
Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'
Me: 'Why?'
Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'

At this point I am ready to say, 'Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say, 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.


I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'

Manager: 'It's fake.'
Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'
Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'
Guard: 'Yeah? '
Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too. Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.


If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too.

Just think! Those two will be voting soon. YIKES!

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Hilarious Emails and Pictures
© 2008 - Crystal Booth


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