Hilarious Short Jokes Collection

Dear lady in front of me with the bunch of screaming kids all under the age of 9. You see that box of condoms that mysteriously appeared in your cart? You're welcome!!

99% of a woman's beauty washes off with soap and water.

So this girl tells her boyfriend on one of their dates....

GF: Today i am going to make you the happiest man in the world! ;))

BF: Awww, gonna miss you! Byeeeeee!!

Boyfriend tells his girlfriend one night alone.....

BF: You know, when you talk you remind me of the ocean.

GF: Wow! Didn't know I impressed you that much! :)

BF: No, I am not impressed! I just feel sick!!

One of my co-workers once told me that for his 25th Anniversary he took his wife to Japan! I was quiet impressed so I told him:

Me: Wow! That was really nice of you! Bet she loved you even more! So what do you have planned for when your 50th Anniversary comes?

Co-Worker: Well, then I plan on going back there and bringing her back!

Adam and Eve are traveling through paradise when Eve asks:

Eve: Adam, do you love me?

Adam: Umm, what other choices do I have??

This gay dude stops me the other day in the street as I was smoking and says to me:

Gay Dude: Urgh! What a disgusting habit you have.

My Response: Yeah! Cuz your habits are soooo much better!??!

I asked my nephew the other day:

Me: So, what are you going to do when you are big like your Aunt?

Nephew: A diet!!

I asked the Priest in church one day:

Me: Father, do you think it's fair when someone gets credit for other people's mistakes?

Priest: Of course not my son!

Me: Okay, so can you please refund me the money I paid you to marry me?

I gave my wife a Jaguar and became a widower.

Me: Why?? An accident????

Widower: No, the Jaguar ate her!

What are the three most frequent questions a lawyer asks his clients?

1. How much money do you have?

2. Where can you get more money?

3. Do you have anything valuable you can sell?

You know? Us men have to admit and accept the blame sometimes! And I admit that us men ARE responsible for 99% of all car accidents! Because WE lend our car keys to women!

I think it is waaaaaay harder to find an honest politician than it is to find a prostitute that is still a virgin!

So I needed some legal advice and so I found a number for a lawyer on the internet and decided to give him a ring.

Me: How much will you charge me for only two questions?

Lawyer: $350. Now what is your second question?

My next door neighbor hit my son!! I was so furious!! I went over there to confront her right away!

Me: Why did you hit my son??

Neighbor: He was being very rude to me by calling me fat!

Me: And did you seriously think you would lose some weight by hitting him?

Conversation between my friend and I:

Me: You know? I turned my ex husband into a millionaire!

Friend: Oh, why? Was he poor?

Me: No!! He used to be a billionaire!

What is the true definition of "making love"?

--Something women do while the men are f***ing them.

15yrs old boy approaches a 25yrs old woman:

Boy: Would you like to be my girlfriend?

Woman: No!! I don't like kids!

Boy: It's ok. I'll wear condoms.

Boy tells his father:

Boy: Dad, today I had sex for the very first time!!

Dad: Nice son!! Come here, sit down and tell me all about it!

Boy: I can't sit Dad! My ass is still very sore :(

Wife: Hunnie, what do you prefer? A smart woman or a beautiful woman?

Husband: Neither Hunnie. You know I only love you!