Funny Humorous Letters

These are genuine extracts from letters sent to a council housing office. There are double entendres galore but the senders wrote their words in all innocence.

Lady tenant complaining about DIY repairs next door:
"He has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more."

Problems with the garden foilage:
"My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it"

Noisy neighbours:
"... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs apartment and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night."

Dangerous paths:
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle badly; then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

Kitchen furniture problems:
"I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers."

Repairs needed:
Send a man round with a big tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

"I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction."

Often in life we send people the wrong message or messages without realising we are doing so.

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them away."

"My lavatory seat is cracked - where do I stand?"

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

"This is to let you know that our toilet seat is broken and we can't get BBC2 television programs."

Toilet Jokes On Amazon

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"It is the dog mess that I find hard to swallow."

"50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it."

This time we have extracts from genuine funny letters sent to a Pensions and Insurance Office:

"I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why this is?"

"This is my eighth child. What are you doing about it?"

"Mrs. Brown has no clothes and has not had any for a year. The vicar has been visiting her."

"In reply to your letter. I have already co-habited with your office, so far without result."

"I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children, one of which is a mistake as you will see."

"Sir, I am glad to say my husband, reported missing, is now dead."

"Unless I get my husband's money I shall be forced to lead an immoral life."

"I am writing these lines for Mrs. Green who cannot write herself. She expects to be confined next week and can do with it."

"I have enclosed my marriage certificate and six children. I have some and one died, which was baptised on a half sheet of paper by the Rev. Thomas."

"Please find out if my husband is dead, as the man I am now living with won't eat or do anything until he is sure."

"In answer to your letter I have given birth to a little boy weighing ten pounds. Is this satisfactory?"

"You have changed my little girl into a little boy. Will this make any difference."

"Please send my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord."

"I have no children as my husband is a bus driver and works all day and all night."

"In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."

"I want money as quick as you can sent it. I have been in bed with my doctor all week and he does not seem to be doing me any good."

"Milk is wanted for my baby as the father is unable to supply it."

"Regarding your enquiry the teeth in the top are alright but the ones in the bottom are hurting terribly."

The medical profession may be known for their bad handwriting but their letters and notes aren't too good either. Just look at these funny quotes from the UK medical staff.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Patient was seen in consultation with Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, I agree.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1997.

Patient has waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

When she fainted her eyes rolled around the room.

Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

And to think we rely on these medical staff to make use feel well. Their funny medical quotes help though! And in most case we can see what they were trying to say.

Photos on this module from Free Stock Photos.

Not sure if you will have seen this funny chain letter but it was received by my wife a while back. I was bundled up and ... well, you'll see below ...

'This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and frustrated women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends, who are equally tired and frustrated. Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 5,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, 4 of whom were worth keeping. Remember - this chain brings luck. An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between an orthodontist and a successful gynecologist. You can be lucky too, but do not break the chain! One woman broke the chain, and got her own husband back again.'

...my wife decided to keep me instead, such is life!

Victoria Beckham
"My husband vacuums in a pinny. He's a total animal in bed. He walks round the kitchen saying, 'I'm a gay icon!'"

Princess Michael of Kent
"My husband always gave me a cat whenever I wanted another baby."

Madonna
"When I was married I did the washing a lot, I liked folding my husband's underwear and matching socks."

Katie Price (a.k.a Jordan)
"On our wedding night we had crisp sandwiches in bed."

Jools Oliver
"I greet my husband dressed in nothing but a pair of jingle bells on my boobs and do a silly dance."

Toyah Willcox
"My husband doesn't want me to have a hysterectomy but I might just have one and not tell him."

Anthea Turner
"My husband says my boob job was the best £3000 he's ever spent."

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath... Darn......I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police

If you like jokes, awful jokes that might make you moan then please pop along to my other humour lens Awful Jokes.

I was having a meal in my local restaurant and was told that they had run out of salt and pepper. I always carry my own so I have the condiments to the chef.

A man phones the hospital and says, "Help, my wife has gone into labour." The nurse replied, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" The man replies, "No, this is her husband."

Exercise your chuckle muscle, it's perfectly legal.

Plus, Plus, Plus! You must read Sidney Sock Goes Missing. There are photos, intimate details of a socks sox life - and how they mate! There's mystery, suspense ... and it's funny!

Plus, Plus, Plus. If you are into golf take a look at Golf Jokes and Golf One Liners