Funny New Years Resolutions

These come from the same root as the usual "stop smoking" and "lose weight" resolutions - resolving to stop doing something we know we shouldn't - but they are a bit more idiosyncratic!

Spend less time fooling around on the net and more time actually working
Well, here you are fooling around on the Net again. Why aren't you working? Have you used up your ration of fooling-around time yet?

Spend more time with my cat
Usually people resolve to spend more time with friends and family instead of working (or maybe fooling around on the Net). The good thing about this one is, if your cat just likes to sit on you, you can combine spending more time with him/her with fooling around on the Net, or TV-watching, which gives you a good excuse. On the other hand, if the cat is a bit more active, you could combine chasing and running play with your "get more exercise" resolution. Bonus!

Be sat on by cats less
The cat who likes to sit on you can pin you down for hours on end. Especially if you're like my daughter, stretching out on the sofa to read, and the cat in question is 17 years old and his greatest mission in life is to spend every minute on someone's lap - or failing a lap, the hot-air outlet.

Clean my room
Surely your mother can do this for you. The resolution, I mean, not the cleaning.

These obviously come from someone who's had a bad experience and doesn't want to repeat it...

Do not sit on my flute when frustrated
My daughter started learning the flute when she was 8 years old, and often had trouble with the amount of breath needed at first, to the point of getting dizzy. One day she got very frustrated, put the flute down on a chair, stomped about a bit, and then sat down. On the flute. Luckily she only weighed about 50lb at the time so not too much damage was done, but she didn't do it again!

Wake up when my alarm clock goes off
I can understand resolving to get up when the alarm goes off, but you don't have much control over waking up short of turning the volume way up or putting the alarm 6" from your ear, which are pretty easy to just do. But I guess someone missed an important appointment or event and is determined never to do so again!

Become better at small talk
I must admit I could have done with this resolution when I was young. I would have failed chit-chat 101 if it had been offered! Now if I don't do the small talk thing it's because I don't choose to, not because I can't.

Learn how to remember peoples' names
Oh dear, someone forgot an important name in an embarrassing situation. Sometimes I forget someone's name seconds after they've told me, but it's usually because I'm not really paying attention. Umm, there's the solution right there. Pay Attention, Kev!

These are the kind of things which hardly need a resolution, really - just go do it, people!

Kiss in the rain

Watch Grey's Anatomy

Send a message in a bottle

Go skinny dipping

Master a party trick

Some things we just don't have enough control over to make them into a resolution.

Win the lottery
You can buy as many lottery tickets as you like, but no amount of resolving will help you win.