Funny One Liners

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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone!

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate!

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she's been giving me lately!

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Marriages are made in heaven. But, then again, so are thunder, lightening, tornados and hail.

Early to bed, early to rise ensures a healthy, dull demise.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I consider "On Time" to be when I get there.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I wish I was a glow worm; a glow worm's never glum. 'Cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your bum?

If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

I'll procrastinate later.

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.

I slept like a baby last night.... Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity.

Answering Machine: "Hi! I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message. If I don't call back, it's you."

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun, and fun is a lot more work.

Children are welcomed at all theme parks as long as they are accompanied by Money and Daddy.

Men are like handguns. Keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.

Life is like a Lambourghini. It goes too fast and it costs too much.

Which is worse, ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?

User error - Replace user and press any key to continue.

When in doubt, mumble.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

If men are from Mars, then why can't we send them back?

Teamwork gives you someone else to blame.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.

I can have any woman I please. So far, I haven't pleased any of them.

Yoga class is great. You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your couch not doing Yoga.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Procrastination has it's good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working and 1/3 waiting.

My wife accused me of being self-important. I nearly fell off my throne.

The only problem with troubleshooting is, sometimes, trouble shoots back

How do you fix a broken Jack-o-Lantern? With a pumpkin patch.

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Take your troubles like a man. Blame them on your wife.

Constipated people don't give a crap.

A dog who attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

I don't mind the rat race. But I could do with a little more cheese.

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