Funny Stories - The Great Coffee Caper

PH3 Jack Bonnard was a genuine card-carrying kleptomaniac. He would go to the ship's store during their busiest time of the day and ask to see three or four cameras one after the other. One of them would always wind up in his pocket. The same procedure worked for watches and any other small, high priced items.

But he was at his best on the hangar deck when the ship was taking on stores. He walked around with a clipboard and pencil as if he was in charge of the whole shebang. He would spot something he wanted and say to the nearest working party personnel, "Take a case of these knives through that hatch to the photo lab, and be sure to come right back."

One day Jack outdid himself. He had a whole pallet of 20-pound cans of coffee delivered to the photo lab. I don't know what he was thinking of because we could never use that much coffee. The missing pallet of 20-pound cans of coffee did not go unnoticed.

"NOW HEAR THIS. NOW HEAR THIS. THE MASTER-AT-ARMS HAVE BEEN DIRECTED TO SEARCH THE SHIP UNTIL THEY FIND THE MISSING COFFEE. WHOEVER HAS IT WILL BE DEALT WITH SEVERELY. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO THROW IT OVERBOARD. WE HAVE PEOPLE WATCHING EVERYWHERE. YOU ARE GOING TO BE CAUGHT, AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE PUNISHED."

If we knew anything about Jack, it was that he would not own up to his part in this fiasco. We were all in trouble and we knew it. What could we do?

ABH3 Lewis, who was in the lab to ask for a picture of the ship, came up with the answer.

"Why don't you stack them up against this wall, and use that roll of brown wrapping paper to cover them up. You could even paint it if you wanted to. Look at all that green paint setting over there."

By the time I said, "That will never work," they had all those cans of coffee neatly stacked up against the wall and were busy taping the cans to each other and to the wall with duct tape. The cans were about a half row short of the ceiling. They started measuring and cutting the heavy brown wrapping paper and attaching it to the cans using duct tape again.

Airman Jones was taking the pallet apart with a chipping hammer. When he was finished, he slid all the lumber into the cabinets under the counter. I have to admit that I was no help. I just stood there amazed, and watched it all happen. ABH3 Lewis opened the cans of paint and prepared a couple of rollers. They had it painted in a matter of minutes, and by golly, it looked like a wall.

"Hey Russell, give us a hand. We might as well paint the rest of the room. That is what we got the paint for. I got a brush and busied myself painting the trim around the hatches. It wasn't more than two minutes tops when we heard them come in.

"Attention on deck!" The inspection party consisted of one master-at-arms and a young officer.

"What are you doing here, Lewis?" The officer was a pilot who recognized Lewis.

"Just helping out, sir. Thought I might get some pictures of the ship."

"Way to go, Lewis. See if you can get one for me while you are at it. How many rooms do you guys have here anyway?"

We proceeded to show them around the lab. The ship was gently pitching and rolling, and the wall of coffee was swaying slightly, but it went unnoticed.

"Sorry about the interruption, guys. Carry on."

We kept the coffee hidden for a couple of weeks until the heat was off, then we traded a bunch of pictures and a couple of mid-watches to some gallery rats to sneak it back into the gallery storerooms.

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