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Laughter the Best Medicine:
A Laugh-Out-Loud Collection of our Funniest Jokes, Quotes, Stories & Cartoons
(Reader's Digest)

You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant

Two girls in a bathroom together---that's not cool not at LuAnn's party.

I'm crazy, but I'm not stupid.

I never had innocence.

If you're unhappy about it, don't ask me, just be unhappy.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

just want people to see that I do my own stuff, that I'm not stupid, and I can make fun of myself.

It is impossible to love and be wise.

I could've eaten alphabet soup and -crapped- out a better essay!!

everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

The 50 Funniest American Writers*:
An Anthology of Humor from Mark Twain to The Onion

If people say we are all unique and special in our own way%u2026is that just a polite way of saying you are stupid?

I used so much hairspray that I feel personally responsible for global warming.

If you ever decide to leave me, I'm going with you

An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will be misinterpreted and then used against you in the court of law.

if you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing.

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Never get in a fight with some one uglier then yourself !
they have less to lose

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If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher

Don't tell me the sky is the limit when we've put footprints on the moon.

Quick, what's the number for 911?

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else

Birds of a feather flock together, and crap on your car.

I speak two languages, Body and English

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.