Shopping Pranks and Funny Wind-Ups

I picked up five coconuts and took them to the Customer Service counter and asked if they had a specialist from the wine department that I could speak with.

The lady picked up the public address microphone and summoned the wine department manager, he promptly appeared and asked if I wanted a particular recommendation of a suitable wine that would go nicely with a coconut based desert.

I informed him that it wasn't the advice I wanted and asked if he could provide a safe method of making coconut wine as my wife had just seriously damaged both her ankles trying to crush the coconuts.

He looked bewildered and said he didn't think that coconut wine was made in the same method as treading grapes, but apologized for not being able to help as he was the manager for bottled wines, not wine making and suggested I looked at the book department for suitable directions.

When buying a pack of ice, ask the checkout person what the total water content of the ice is.

Generally they will fumble about the bag for the nutrition information, quite often they are rather puzzled and may comment about it being most unusual for this information to be absent, they'll even assure you that normally all foodstuffs should clearly state the calories, fibre, fat, sat fat, sugar and salt ... but curiously not on this bag of ice cubes.

At this stage they may call for assistance. Stick with it.... it gets better. You might get an executive decision from a manager. When I first did this I was disappointed to hear that the manager, nor anyone else could come to the check out and help but the message that came back from the office was it is indeed '100%' water.

I told the checkout person that It pleased me to know that the quality of the ice is 100% water, but asked if he would once again contact the manager and ask if they do an economy version with less than 100% water content, perhaps a diluted option?

The helper was very sympathetic to my financial circumstances and said their 'Basics' range is just frozen tap water but their 'Best' range is mineral water from the Scottish mountains, million year old glazier water no less.

This impelled me to ask about the freshness and indeed the 'sell by date' as the water was so old it concerned me what all those fish had being doing in the water for all those years, peeing and mating!

As the checkout person once again picked up the intercom I decided not to wait for the manager's advice and took a hasty retreat!

Our local grocery store's pharmacy area has a private room for confidential consultation with the pharmacist.

There are a number of notices on the door, one is to let people know that the consulting room is occupied, another relates to prescription charges and a very big one is a security notice.

I asked the young lady behind the pharmacy counter what sort of surgery is carried out and she denied all knowledge of any clinical procedures within that private room.

So, I asked her about the medical qualifications of the security guards and she equally denied all knowledge of their surgical background.

Now, like a top prosecuting lawyer, I pointed my finger at the sign that clearly states "WARNING Plain Clothes Store Detectives Operate Here" - and asked her to explain it

All the big stores are now doing online shopping and door to door delivery.

I only say this because it is part of my prank. The medical room I mentioned above has a sign on the door that says 'FREE' - as in 'the room is not in use'.

So, I asked the young lady if they do Door to Door Delivery' and she confirmed that they do, I then asked how I can arrange for that free door to be delivered to my door.

She said the door wasn't for sale, I agreed with her; "it isn't for sale it is FREE"

"No!" She replied, "It means it isn't in use", I explained my theory " that's the reason why it is being given away, it is no longer used, but I can give it a good home"

I could sense stress .... or anger in her voice as she spoke slowly with her teeth clenched "IT IS NOT FREE!! - WE NEED IT, WE ARE NOT GOING TO DELIVERY IT"

I might have been very lucky with my choice of check out operator but if you were to wear a mystery shopper cap as seen below, you may be treated like the president! - Let's face it when the store's HQ sends in a mystery shopper to test the limits of customer service,
you may find that you are now on the receiving end of the finest service that the store has provided in its entire history!

In the fruit and veg area, pick a discarded green leaf from a vegetable and keep it in the palm of your hand.

Head for the plants and flowers and make out that you have plucked a leaf from a plant. Take a bite out of it and offer it to the person next to you, ask if they think it has a hint of geranium and would it be too strong to blend in organic baby food.

99.9% of the females will engage and provide sound advice about organic baby foods - men will turn and walk away!

When you are next to an old lady with plenty of age, place your middle finger in your ear and palm against your face, like a secret service agent talking into a covert microphone.

This is pretty much a word for word script of my spoof.

"552 alpha one to control, I'm in close range of the suspect and in pursuit. Age approximately 20 to 25, 4'6" wearing a tatty grey wig and rubber mask, making a very bad job of pretending to be a senior citizen. She's wearing ......"

...and you describe what the old dear is wearing and exactly what she has in her hand, tuna, cat food etc.

Then continue the 'radio conversation' with .." yes, understood, distract her attention and return products to shelf - over"

Ensure she knows you have mistaken her, then ask her where a certain product is, the closer to her the better. As she points towards the product, start to remove grocery items from her trolley and put them on a shelf.

When she challenges you, say "you can't kid me with that mask and wig, you are Fingers Freda the cat burglar! wait here while I bring in the FBI."

Now, walk a complete circle around the isles and return to where she remains. Approach her as an innocent shopper and ask if she has seen a secret agent disguised as you.

I have not just a 'pet' hate but a considerable hatred for people who leave their shopping trolleys unattended in the middle of an aisle. Not just unattended but totally neglected, out of sight and range.

I impose a penalty, it depends on where in the store I am, but I'm quite happy to go out of my way to pick up a packet of condoms, perhaps some hemorrhoid cream, sexy lingerie etc.

The trick is to conceal their penalty items so they remain undiscovered until they are at the checkout. At the worst they draw attention to themselves whilst removing the items in the line or before the conveyor belt but at the best, they pay for them and have go to the customer service counter and explain why they want a refund.

I've thought about creating some fixed penalty notices to leave in their trolley explaining that unattended trolleys attract zero tolerance.

Sometimes I will just innocently move the trolley as if it was mine and continue my shopping - mistakes happen! - and if I come across another abandoned trolley, I'll replace it with my newly found one so that both people get each other's trolleys complete with newly acquired groceries and carefully chosen penalty items.

It is interesting to watch them delving into each other's respective trolley and repatriating their own items as well as denying all knowledge of condoms, pile cream and sexy underwear - neither believing each other.

Don't forget to email this page to your friends!

A young lady was filling the shelves with baby food. I picked up a famous brand and asked her if there was a much safer way to serve this as it looks highly dangerous resulting in severe burns to both ankles.

With an extreme puzzled look she said in a very sympathetic voice "I'm sorry sir, may I ask how it can be dangerous?"

I told her that if I follow the instructions to the absolute letter then there will be serious consequences. I read out the instructions to her.

"Remove cap and stand in boiling water for five minutes"

I said, "Remove whose cap, mine or the baby's? And I could only stand for a couple of seconds in boiling water and certainly would not feel comfortable suspending a baby in such hot liquid"

With sheer panic on her face changing to total disbelief she tapped on the lid of the jar and said "Remove this lid and stand the jar in boiling water sir ...not you, or the baby!"

In the liquor section, when the shelf filler is replacing bottles of booze, there is often a box of security bottle neck gadgets that they fit onto the alcohol bottles to activate the security alarm if the item hasn't been untagged at the point of sale.

These anti-theft devices are quite often left unattended on trolleys or in boxes. Let's face it, why would someone want to steal an item that sets off the security alarms and has no other use out of the store?

So, for your entertainment, there is a box of fun. Clip one on an unattended trolley; make sure it is at the front and out of sight. Do as many as you find, drop them into people's bags too, your mission is to ensure that security alarm is constantly sounding and the robo cops are kept busy seeking out stolen goods in their busiest hour in history.

Listen to the objections and disputes from the serial trolley abandoners as the security guards do their job.

I'm thinking about sending the head of security a warning note from the 'Anarchists Against Abandoned Trolleys' that disruptions will take place until there are public announcements over the tannoy system warning shoppers about abandoning their trollys.

I bought a tin of extremely basic baked beans from another store, the type that are almost a white label, no frills, rock bottom price. This wasn't a bargain hunt for money saving, this was to take my newly acquired baked beans into my normal store ....and place it in someone else's shopping trolley.

Not only will the barcode fail but it throws in all sorts of confusion at the check out - why is this store now selling its competitor's own brands?

If you are lucky to have a local trick shop or store that sells tricks and pranks, have a look for rubber eggs and snake in the mustard jar.

The rubber eggs are fantastic - these are not fried eggs but whole brown eggs. There are a few pranks that you can do from simply pretending to take the eggs out of the boxes on the shelf and throw them one by one into the trolley. If you have a partner you throw them for your partner to catch some distance away from you, even over the racking!

Let them loose on the conveyor belt, this causes great panic all around!!

The snake in the mustard jar is exactly what the name implies although some stores may have a different product jar. It looks like a mustard jar, same colour, shape and label. Just pretend to lift it off the shelf and unscrew the lid to smell it. As you remove the top, a great long squeaking snake is ejected with great force, you'll have a few bystanders jumping for cover!

Buy a remote control fart machine, they are so cheap, and place it in the trolley under a small garment - nothing heavy, panties are the best.
The options are endless, my favourite is to leave the trolley near a couple of people who are together - gender has no bearing on this but class does, and the upper class tend to respond better than our everyday folk who will just fart back!

When the time is right, person bending over or going into a squatting position - let it rip!

I once watched this lady and her companion look at each other, then look around to see who else might have done it ... and there is nobody there other than them two. Being well groomed ladies, they ignored the fart, so I did it again, but this time I said " Sorry, I didn't hear you properly, did you say 'water bottle'"?

Stink bombs are an excellent addition to this, especially when the victims are in total denial.

All the hygiene related products are in the pharmacy section of our store and as such has its own counter so that customers can ask for advice.

Whilst I was looking at shavers, I noticed a popular brand razor with this slogan;

"Our first blade shaves you close....the second blade shaves you even closer"

This fuelled me to engage with the person at the counter and I asked her if it was possible to buy that particular brand with just the second blade.

She said; "Do you mean you want to buy a single blade razor?"

I replied; "No, I want this type but if the second blade shaves closer than the first, I only need the second blade surely?".

This is one that deserves to be filmed if possible. When you see someone looking at the range of jackets, go to the other side of the rack and insert your arm through the jacket sleeve.

Keep your hand out of sight until the customer gets fairly close then lift up your arm to wave, or thumbs up etc.

Another addition is to write a note "Please help, I'm being held hostage by this jacket, take this note to 'customer services' and ask them to call the police".

As the customer approaches, hand them the note through the sleeve of the jacket .

If you can remove your arm without being spotted, follow the victim to see what happens .... and for double the value.

As I was wandering around the store selecting my grocery items, I noticed one of the staff marking down some prices. Hoping for a good bargain, I headed towards him and noticed he was placing 'Buy One, Get One Free' signs on an item.

I politely asked him if I could possibly just have the second one, as it is free.

To my surprise he informed that I could buy both and simply return one for a refund because legally the second is given free of charge!