FUNNY FESTIVITIES

It's time for the holly and the ivey...since "ho ho ho" has gone out the window in the era of political correctness.

So with the year's largest secular shopping season coming to a close, it's high time to get out your credit and debit card to purchase those pointless presents and godawful gifts that will be passed along soon to some serenity-deprived soul at your office party, house party, or family gathering.

Here are three days to celebrate in December:

Grinch Gourmet Day: Time to show-off your penny-pinching ways with your fabulous lime green jello dessert, your green grass chia plant for pesky pussycats, and green eggs and ham (ask Dr. Seuss for the recipie).

Ugly Holiday Sweater Day: Tis the season to sport that weird wooly made by Great Aunt Matilda, that hideous hoodie rescued from the bargain basement bin by that mouthy-maven next door named "Maxine", or that mothballed masterpiece your Mother knitted you after you flunked your first year of college. Make sure you have plenty of refreshments for your guests so they can at least feel good after laying their eyes upon all those horrible holiday garments.

Long John Appreciation Day: Never let it be said that Santa's the only one wearing red flanalette long johns or that Mrs. Claus has one with a trap door in the back! It's definitely time to don your own daring pair of titillating tights or funny flannette pajamas and snuggle up by the fireplace while letting all those sugar plums dance around in your head of course.

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon

December is the 12th month of the calendar year. Time to wrap things up, because whether you've been naughty or nice, it's too late now. On second thought, perhaps the rotund fellow in the red suit, with the white beard and whiskers will be the best judge of that!

So, in the meantime, practice a bit of re-gifting. Besides, it's a fine way to palm off those never used gifts like the Laughing Buddha candle from great Aunt Jessie or the gargoyle spout you got from cousin Horace in Mauritania or maybe it was Tasmania).

If that doesn't turn your crank, try humming a few seasonal songs or just knocking back a few eggnogs. And if that doesn't get you in the spirit, go to your favorite cheapskate store and pick up some crazy thingies to stuff those stockings. What you don't have a stocking?

And last but not least...grab some holly, some ivy, or some mistletoe ...for a bit of Ho-Ho-Ho at your front door!!

So, without further ado...here are some ways to celebrate the 31 days of good cheer and good times before the end of this year!

December 1 - National Ear Muff Day (A fine way to honor those colorful wooly wrappers that keep the cold out and let everyone now how really weird your are!)

December 2 - National Red Crayon Day (This is the day you get to write whatever you want with a "red" crayon, and no one can send you to the naughty stool, so there!)

December 3 - Hot Chocolate/Hot Toddy Day (Time to honor those marvelous moo-moos or titillating tipples that make life worth living, especially when everything's going to heck in a hand-basket!)

December 4 - Cook Someone's Goose Day (A great way to celebrate plucking feathers...so who's the lucky little critter on your Christmas wish list?)

December 5 - One Minute Christmas Carols or Nursery Rhymes (Time to recite your favorite ditty in 60 seconds or less; not recommended for those who didn't graduate from kindergarten).

December 6 - Pin the Antlers on the Reindeer Day (Time to honor those crazy critters who haul Santa's sleigh around one day a year. Note: Don't bother asking Eeeyore to join the team this year...he's too busy looking for his tail.)

December 7 - Elf Appreciation Day (It's time to pay tribute to all the weary wee ones working overtime at the North Pole in Santa's workshop; they're considering joining a union to improve their oppressive working conditions...too much work and no play!)

December 8 - Festive Decorating Day (Time to haul out all the boxes of balls, braids, and bright lights...along with those fake smiles your boss or the HR Department have requested for the happy holiday season.)

December 9 - Sagittarius Appreciation Day (A day to honor the sea-goats, you know all the happy-go-lucky, half horse, half-homo sapien archers of zodiac who blunder about, miss their target, or fail to plan adequately.)

December 10 - Let's Talk Turkey Day (Time to kvetch about who has the best turkey-dressing recipe, and why kids go berserk when they find out you stuffed "Big Bird" in the oven!)

December 11 - Waffle & Whiffle Appreciation Day (In recognition of any colleague, friend or family member who wanders off topic or says 25 words when one will do thank you...and if you're really good you can go to the wassailing party this year!)

December 12 - Mistletoe Appreciation Day (Time to hunt for greenery, practice puckering your lips, and find a willing bill and coo partner...now come out from under the green peppers, sprouts or the head of leaf lettuce will you!)

December 13 - Partridge in a Pear Tree Day (In honor of any strange clucking bird that loafs about not to mention perches on your favorite fruit tree in the front yard and won't shut up even when you threaten to call a Natural Resources officer with a foot-long blunderbuss!)

December 14 - Two Turtle Doves Awareness Day (In recognition of Bird-Watchers Anonymous who are keeping a close eye on the cooing creatures who've taken up residence on your neighbor's front lawn and whose antics are now creating a scandal in the neighborhood!)

December 15 - Three French Hens Day (In honor of all those fancy French-talking, billet-doux types who never use a bidet, but never hesitate to leave their mark on front lawns when the spirit moves them.)

December 16 - Four Calling Birds Day (In honor of all the wretched hooting and hollering feathered friends who were never invited to camp out on anyone's front lawn in the first place!)

December 17 - Five Golden Rings Day (Okay, so you didn't win a medal at the summer Olympics this year, but who cares ...it's a great excuse to to wring the necks of those crazy creatures making a frightful mess on the front lawn isn't it?)

December 18 - Six Geese A-Laying Day (Chickens are one thing, especially when they're fried...but those gaggling geese won't even do a good turn by laying a great big golden egg for Pete's sake!)

December 19 - Seven Swans A-Swimming Day (Oh no, more blessed birds that want to mate for life...and this time, they've taken over the swimming pool....when will it ever end?)

December 20 - Eight Maids A-Milking Day (As if the birds on the front lawn aren't enough, now the cows have decided to move in, and the maids aren't helping matters!)

December 21 - Nine Ladies Dancing Day (The cows may be productive but, there are some scantily-clad females kicking up their heels on the front lawn, disturbing the cows who won't milk and now the bleeping birds are pooping everywhere!)

December 22 - Ten Lords A-Leaping Day (What's with the royal court these days, can't they keep their posh progeny at home instead of letting them run amok on the front lawn full of merry maids not to mention the blessed birds and those silly sacred cows!!)

December 23 - Eleven Pipers Piping Day (All hell is breaking loose as a band of bagpipers...wearing not a stitch beneath their kilts... has descended on the front lawn, scaring the maids and mavens half to death, and sending the birds and cows into a frenzy, so neither the SPCA nor the petting zoo will take them!)

December 24 - Twelve Drummers Drumming Day (With the arrival of a sweet-grass smoking shaman with an entourage calling themselves, "The Damned Drum Corps", the front lawn has turned into a great big gong show; the police have now ordered 10 paddy wagons and a fire-truck, while the Mayor, as a last resort, has read the Riot Act banning all garden parties!)

December 25 - Merry Mirth Day (A terrific day to give yourself lots of big hugs, big presents, and tell anyone who gives you a bad time to sit on the naughty stool!)

December 26 - Wassail Appreciation Day (Time to visit friends and family to hit them up for free drinks, a free meal, and a promise to tell clean jokes all day long).

December 27 - Whistle While You Work Day (A great way to recognize the valuable contribution made by pro-active fellowship in the workplace).

December 28 - Cranberry Recognition Day (Time to say thanks to the ripsnorting red berry that's great in cocktails, cakes, and as a spunky sauce to liven up the next week of turkey meals).

December 29 - Swoosh & Thonk Day (A great way to honor all manner of awkward or inept positions that make you look quite foolish on a ski hill or a skating rink)

December 30 - Yeti/Abominable Snowman Appreciation Day (Time to honor the invention of the shovel, spade or snowblower to get rid of the frigging flakes that have piled up so you can't get out of your abode, get kids to school, and be off to work!)

December 31 - New Year's Eve (Now you can host one big party ...to celebrate all the things you've left undone on your "to-do" list this year!)

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Image Insert: Santa Elf (Courtesy of Designs By Kat on flickr.com)

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees, in polite circles known as the Duchess of Dither, and Lord Earl Craboon, referred to as the Duke of Doorknobs, (a curious couple occupying a sandcastle somewhere in the Queendom of Quirky).

January is a rather bleak, blessedly boring, and some might even go so far as to say a dreadfully dull month.

On the other hand, peculiar people often find delight in all manner of things odd, peculiar, or downright strange. This is why we've spent a good deal of time tracking down some rather unique things to do to lighten one's sagging spirits at this time of year.

For those with short attention spans, tendencies to day dream frequently, or desires that extend beyond watching paint dry, we recommend participating in one of this month's unusual events:

The Geek Dinner in Cape Town, South Africa, (where no one has figured out the date, time, venue or menu for this splendid eccentric event...in keeping with the Geek way of living life!)

13 January - Join the CFB Gagetown Medieval Anachronists' Club's 2nd Annual Garlic Festival. Bring along some festive frippery, merry muskets, and saucy smiles to this gourmet garlic gathering being held at Canadian Forces Base Gagetown in Oromocto, New Brunswick (Canada).

18-20 January - Trundle off to Ressurection Bay, Alaska for the annual Polar Bear Jumpoff and Ugly Fish Toss and while you're at it...why not freeze your posterior off at the parade, loose your concentration during the bed-making contest, gladhand your way around the goofy golf tournament or slide your way to success at the ice-bowling championship.

25 January - Bad Bowtie Day - Time to drag out those baffling or truly bad bowties that real men never wear and women demand when donning tails or tuxedos!

26-28 January - Hop across the pond to Port Lincoln, Australia and join lots of other slippery souls and try your hand at tuna tossing during Tunarama 2008. (PS Don't tell "Tony the Tuna" you're coming!)

26-27 January - Get yourself in gear, along with 70 other oddballs, for the world famous Swamp Buggy Races held every year in Naples, Florida at the Sports Park's "Sippy Hole".

30 January - Haul out your bagpipes, whip up some haggis, and practice sitting on a thistle, because Shetland, Scotland's beckoning you! More to the point, The Lerwick Up Helly Aa, is a rather big bonfire festival featuring a torchlight parade, burning of a Viking galley, and a good deal of Scotch whisky flowing into the wee hours of the morning!

And for those who like to putz about with nothing in particular to capture their fancy on their peculiar agenda, do drop by Dracula's Castle in Bucharest, Romania. (Note: The capital city in which this pugilistic palace is located was founded by one rather frightening fellow by the name of Vlad the Impaler in 1459. This charming chap later became the inspiration for Bram Stoker's blood-sucking vampire named....you guessed it!)

Cheerio, pip pip, and tah tah from your tippling tour-guides.

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For those who can't find enough curious, off-beat, or unusual places and things to do, why not pick up a copy of "Eccentric America".

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees (referred to in polite circles as the Duchess of Dither) and edited by Lord Earl Craboon (better known in the upper echelons of society as the Duke of Doorknobs)

Why is everyone so happy?

Because it's festive, flirtatious and frolicking February of course -- ahem ...the shortest month of the year. Time to sample some frisky fortune cookies for a change.

So, without further adieu, here's what you can do to keep yourself tickled pink for the entire month of February:

February 1: International Daydreaming Day (time to see who can gaze vacantly into space the longest while listening to a long-winded lecture or munching on molecules)

February 2: Hug a Hog Day (time to press the flesh with grunt and groan types who seem to spend most of their time in the barnyard of life chasing their own shadows)

February 3: Aquarius Heritage Day (beware of water carrying geniuses eating unusual food and are a tad independent, mentally odd, tactless, or eccentric for their own good)

February 4: National 'Pass the Buck Day' (a wonderful way to honor those who are forever delegating dirty jobs to other poor souls lower down the food chain of life)

February 5: Whoop-De-Doo Day (are you ready to build sandcastles in the air, draw outside the lines, and share your favorite wind-up toys with other grown-up kids at work?)

February 6: Ding Dong Appreciation Day (when was the last time you invited a bible-thumper or political candidate into your home to discuss the future of gaskets or grommets?)

February 7: National Tongue-Twister Day (Time to take the marbles out of your mouth and repeat after me, "Peter Piper picked a pack of pickled peppers...")

February 8: Elephant in the Living Room Appreciation Day (in honor of all sorts of big bogies or couch critters we ignore, and we'd just as soon others did too please!)

February 9: Cock-O'-The Walk Day (your frisky fortune cookie says it's time to pay tribute to all the red roosters you know who are brave, motivated, proud, romantic, and a tad blunt ...if truth be told )

February 10: Show & Tell Day (okay it's about time to haul out your really neat travel slide show of your trip to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan with spell-binding commentary!)

February 11: The-Right-Way-to-Do-It Day (there's only one way to install a roll of toilet paper roll so that falls correctly!)

February 12: First-in-Line Day (If your surname name doesn't begin with "X", "Y" or "Z", step to the back of the line!!)

February 13: Free Lunch Day (time to collect all those outstanding IOUs - wow are you ever lucky!)

February 14: Slings & Arrows of Outrageous Fortune Day (how else do you expect to bewitch a beautiful beast or bag a box of chocolates?)

February 15: Fly Your Own Flag Day (now where did I put that "Jolly Roger"?)

February 16: Gonad Games Day (a.k.a. Potentate Pissing Contests)

February 17: Red Devil Awareness Day (time to sprout horns, wear red tights and carry a booming great pitchfork to scare the heck out of your favorite Nemesis)

February 18: Dr. Seuss Appreciation Day (you'll need all the help you can get just to speak in rhymes all day long)

February 19: Hopscotch Awareness Day (time to go back to recess time; hope you can hop, skip and jump or at least down a few shots of scotch or suds); if you don't like "Hopscotch" celebrate "Temporary Insanity Day" instead!

February 20: Finger Food Appreciation Day (great news for weight-watchers, picky eaters, or those wanting to ditch dishwashing duty)

February 21: Chocolate Ice Cream for Breakfast Day (in honor of taboo treats parents tell you not to eat for the first meal of the day)

February 22: Galoshes, Gumboots & Go-Go Boots Day (time to pay homage to forgotten footwear worn by damsels-in-distress or devil-may-care types)

February 23: Divestment Awareness Day (time to indulge in nothing but Naked Truths about an entertaining Emperor without not so much as a figleaf to his name)

February 24: Fake or Flaunt It Day (the only day you get to act any way you please, provided of course you're willing to pay the consequences of your foolish little escapades)

February 25: Pity Pot Day (time to trade in or toss your troubles away?)

February 26: Mental Floss Day (the only occasion you can tell "Knock-Knock jokes" all you want without fear of harrassment)

February 27: Break Open the Piggy-Bank Day(whoopee no time like the present to splurge on a great cause...you!)

February 28: Small Planet Appreciation Day (ever wonder what the world would be like without Venus and Mars gumming up the works?)

February 29: Leap Day (time to find a Leap Year baby and celebrate with a game of "Leap Frog" or "Leaping To Conclusions", if you're not in great shape!)

Welcome to March Madness Events and Merriment Celebrations

Pack your troubles away in your old kit bag or toss them into a pity pot...because have we got things to do to keep you smiling this month!

March 1: Mad Hatter Appreciation Day (If you're late for a very important date who really cares? Put on your old TV rabbit ears, trap-door sleepers, and of wear a terrific smile!)

March 2: Pisces Awareness Day (If you see a floundering fish or one swimming in two directions, you've hooked a Pisces; throw it back in the drink and try to jig a puffer!)

March 3: Mops & Mustachios Day (Time to wax poetic with your mop or wear a handle-bar mustache to impress a secret admirer or fend off the Hobgoblin from Heck)

March 4: Everyone's Entitled To My Opinion Day (Be a bit lippy and ludicrous, or simply sally forth and add your two cents worth about the level of customer service at your local Passion Pit-Stop or your less than satisfactory trip to "Cloud Nine"!)

March 5: Fluff Appreciation Day (In honor of all those who excel in the art of bureaucratic bafflegab, delightful double-speak, and silver-tongued titillations)

March 6: Bagpipe Music Appreciation Day (A fine way to appreciate the mellifluous melodies of gifted wind bags and ancient bladders ...knowing full well why someone invented a convenient dampening device commonly known as "ear-plugs")

March 7: Toss the Taboo Day (It's time to loosen your collar, let your hair down, milk a sacred cow for all it's worth, or break another house/workplace rule just for fun!)

March 8: International Bored Doe and Witty Wench Day (It's "Queen of Sheba" appreciation day ...time to use your credit card to buy all those sparkly little gems for sale on the TV Shopping Channel!)

March 9: National Quagmire Understanding Day (Time to honor all the "stick-in-the-muds" you know in the great swamp, the blessed bog or the quick-sand-box of life ...and don't forget to say Hello and wave as you walk, jog or race by with a big beautiful smile on your face!)

March 10: Podunk Place Appreciation Day (A skill-testing occasion to see how many small, remote towns with weird names you can come up with, no help from the peanut gallery please!)

March 11. Fabulous Fortune Cookie Day (It's time to pay tribute to those tasteless wisecracking tidbits you crack open after a meal of tofu and stir-fried thingamabobs)

March 12: Love-Handle & Wattle Appreciation Day (Never too late to flaunt your flab is it? Just make sure that it's legal ...you don't want a night in the slammer do you!)

March 13: Slinky Toy Day (A wonderful way to bring back munchkin memories or amuse your bored, adult, inner nitwit when all hell is breaking lose at home or at work)

March 14: Silly Systems-Thinking Day (Time to write easy-to-understand instructions so any baby-boomer you know can program his/her brand-new DVD player or assemble a piece of ready-to-assemble furniture without losing one's hair or sanity)

March 15: Ides of March (Time to don your toga or toad outfit and spit tacks, peas or sunflower seeds at anyone you please ...if that doesn't work, get on your cell phone and do your rendition of, "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ear")

March 16: Bull In The China Shop Day (Okay, now that you've strapped on your leather chaps and sharp spurs, it's time to take your Brahma bull out for a walk and while you're at it, how about celebrating the 2009 Year of the Ox!)

March 17. Little Leprechaun Day (Time to put on your hunter green tights, color your hair lime green, and spread lots of blarney in honor of a dandy dude named "St. Patrick" or was it "Dermot the Love Spot"?)

March 18: Flying Saucer Appreciation Day (The only day when everyone can be an expert about strange goings on in the universe, crop circles, or the basement next door)

March 19. Dweeb Appreciation Day (In recognition of all the wonky wunderkinds you know who haven't got a clue how to install computer software, paint-by-numbers or fill-in-the-blanks correctly)

March 20: Red Dwarf & Green Knight Appreciation Day (In honor of the first day of spring, and odd things going on in the Forest among the weird keepers of the Holy Grail)

March 21: Give-Me-A-Break Day (A truly exceptional occasion to cash in on your "Get Out of Jail" free card, or capitalize on your "Frequent Flubber Card")

March 22: Call in Well Day (Take advantage of your frightfully fabulous mental health these days and just goof-off for an afternoon at the beach, on the golf course, or sitting in your throne room reading your favorite comic books and munching on junk food)

March 23: Of Course I'm Right Day (Finally, it's your turn to be King Canute or Queen Bee of the Castle, as long as you remember, there's a price to pay for everything! Like, tomorrow does not have your name written all over it!!)

March 24: Wonder Wabbit Day (Now's your time to go hopping down the Bunny Trail and munch on as many carrots as you want...make that chocolate!)

March 25. Dingbat Fellowship Day (Time to honor all the off-the-wall stuff you love like that long-lost Davy Crockett hat, those pink shoe laces, or that plastic hoola hoop you've got hidden in the closet)

March 26: Soppy Song Award Day (Time to honor all those maudlin melodies, long-winded lyrics, or soppy songs that should never have been written)

March 27: Aries Appreciation Day (In honor of all those Mars-ruled brash, bossy beasts or barn-burning types you know -- not to be confused with other the 'ram-a-dam-a-ding-dong' folk among your quaint circle of acquaintances)

March 28. Long Neck & Long Nose Appreciation Day (This is a rather fine way to honor giraffes, turkeys, or beasts with long snouts in the animal kingdom)

March 29: Tacky Trophy Day (A terrific time to craft your own tacky trophy or titillating talking stick designed to honor anyone who tells the best jokes or funny anecdotes in town)

March 30. Bedside & Biffy Book Awareness Day (An excellent occasion to compare with family, friends and colleagues, just what breathtakingly bodacious boudoir books that they're reading these days.)

March 31. Boffola Recognition Day (Time to use those gag lines that have been clogging up your email inbox - but only if they they're guaranteed to produce a hearty laugh or make a big hit in your cube farm or barnyard of life)

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Note: Other alternative quirky calendar events include:

March 10. "International Day of Awesomeness" (a.k.a. 'Nobody's Perfect Day'!)

March 15. "Everything You Think Is Wrong Day" (Aren't perfectionists a bunch of party poopers!) -- If that doesn't tickle your funnybone, why not join in the "Brides of March", (a curious if not cacophonic event where both genders dress up and poke fun at the mirth surrounding the marvels of matrimony!)

March 20. "Festival of Extraterrestrial Abductions Day" (Hooray for the little green gremlins with four eyes, one horn, a razar-sharp tail!)

March 22. "International Pillow Fight Day" (When everyone gets to yell "Horsefeathers" and whomp their friends and foes with glee!)

March 26. Make Up Your Own Holiday Day (In honor of all the contrarians, non-conformists, and pecular people you know who want they very own celebration thank you very much!)

March 31. Post Something On the Net And See If Anyone Believes It Day (Who say's this isn't a true test of 'truthiness'?)

About the Authors: Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and Lord Earl Craboon are frequent-fops-for-hire who, from time to time, provide much needed comic relief in the constipated Court of The Quipping Queen".

"FEAST OF FOOLS"
A Wonky Wine-Tasting Event
To Celebrate April Fool's Day!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009
5:30 pm - 7:30 pm

VENUE: Sips Artisan Bistro, 425 Simcoe Street in James Bay

HOST: H.R.H. Quipping Queen & Empress of Eccentricity

Admission by contribution to this sipping, snacking and snickering event, (with proceeds going to the James Bay Community Development Fund). Please visit Feast of Fools for details. Reservations can be made by calling Sips Artisan Bistro - 250.590.3519.

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Image Credit: Jack Cooper, Victoria, B.C. Illustrator.

Compiled by the Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by The Earl of Craboon, a lively lollygagging twosome of twits who hang out in the Court of Quintessentially Quirky Quaffers & Quidnuncs

April is the month when fools rush in where wise men never go and angels fear to tread. (And frankly, anywhere wise men and angels hang out together would probably not satisfy the needs of a merry band of mischievous munchkins looking for a good time.)

So without further ado, here is the ludicrous lineup of odd, offbeat or outrageous things to keep you busy for all of April.

When in doubt, always remember that April is Silly Suds Month, (33 beer festivals to choose from around the globe. All you have to do is show up, tell a few jokes, and get yourself tiddly like all those other crazy tipplers tip toeing through the tulips!)

April 1: Hilarious Haberdashery, (what do you mean you haven't picked out a great big fool's cap; (haven't you heard, you're going to wear one on your little pinhead for the next 30 days).

April 6: Fun & Frolicking Friday, (time to blow bubbles in your bathtub and organize a chewing gum contest to see who can blow up the largest bubble without getting it stuck to a face).

April 7: SPAMARAMA, (you'll have to go Austin, Texas to bond with other weird folks who can't get enough of those crazy cook-offs not to mention gobbling down some very questionable edible pork products; oh and by the way, beware of bull burgers!)

April 8: Energizer Bunny Appreciation Day, (a fine occasion to honor the long-life battery that keeps your digital doodads from wimping out on you at an inopportune moment).

April 13-15: Annual Dolly Parade, (so slip on your wild Barbie and Ken togs or Beanie-Baby outfits, and join the fantastically funny folks in Pigeon Forge, TN).

April 20 - 26: Cowboy Poetry Week (never ask a cowpoke the size of his spread...but give him a chance to show off his silver tongue...well that's another matter!)

April 20: Bring On The Bull! (wow, you can pay tribute to your Taurus friends and family members, the ones who're boring and insensitive, not to mention materialistic if not a tad self-indulgent and stubborn. They have one positive quality, they can cook!)

April 22: Earth Day, (time to check and see who has the best recipe for mud-pies, or who has tasted the forbidden fruit - earth apples naturally!)

April 23: Administrative Professional Day, (time to tie up a bureaucrat or "civil" servant in some fancy red duct tape and auction them off to anyone willing to take them).

April 30: Beltane Fire Festival, (you'll need a kilt, a caber, and some fire-crackers to attend this Scottish celebration marking the beginning in spring; hopefully the Edinburgh Council won't ban it like they have for the last few years!)

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon who take great delight in identifying eccentric and odd occasions to celebrate every month of the year.

Let's face it, when Flora, the Roman fertility goddess comes out to play, you know it must be the merry month of May. Frankly, who else is responsible for calling on the bees to pollinate the flowers, the kids to frolic about in the tulip beds, and grown-ups to frolic about frivolously in the hollyfuds for pity's sake?

"The Lusty Month of May ", (by Alan J. Lerner), from the musical, "Camelot":

It's May, It's May,
The lusty month of May
That darling month when everyone goes
Blissfully astray
It's time to do
A wretched thing or two
And try to make each precious day
One you'll always rue...
The birds and bees
With all of their vast
Amorous past
Gaze at the human race aghast
The lusty month of May...

On the other hand, for pessimistic or pragmatic personalities who rarely enjoy fun and frolic, there is one day they can celebrate with gusto, "Toot Your Own Horn Day", or if nothing else...check out "Womanless Beauty Pageant" sometime in May (in Greenville, South Carolina)!

May 1: May Pole Dancing Appreciation Day (put on your dancing shoes, it's time to trip the light fantastic, that doesn't mean gawking at the girls in g-strings); if that doesn't grab your fancy try Toad Suck Daze (May 2-4), Arkansas' most popular festival.

May 2: Whoohoo Awareness Day (now's your time to shine the spotlight on anyone you know with questionable attitudes, unusual proclivities, and tasteless pastimes)

May 3: International SNAFU Day (it's definitely time to celebrate those silly screw-ups that truly drive people right up the wall, around the bend, and maybe even some into the looney bin!)

May 4: Mother May I Day (time to honor "Momma Bears", "Give Me a Break Goddesses" or, more to the point, the wonder-women who brought far too many 'bundles of joy' into the world, and now just want oodles of rest and relaxation!)

May 5: Polka Dot & Plaid Day (another mirthful mix and match day - a great way to make a fashion statement by wearing any weird wardrobe you please!)

May 6: Toot Your Own Horn Day (time to flaunt every frigging diploma/award you've got - like "Best Kisser in the World", "First Class Stud" or "Grade 2 Grad")

May 7: Party Pooper Recognition Day (time to suggest that all the wet-blanket wunderkinds you know visit a God-forsaken place like Zap, North Dakota)

May 8: Broccoli & Brussel Sprout Appreciation Day (for those who haven't got a clue what frigging finger-foods are, or how to make a heart-healthy veggie burger thank you very much!)

May 9: Lost Sock Memorial Day (It's time to shed a tear and honor all those socks that have gone missing-in-action over the years.)

May 10: One-Eyed-One-Horned-Flying-Purple-People-Eater Day (time to discover what crazy critter doesn't hang out in a petting zoo, inhabit a fish tank, or live on Mars)

May 11: National Nosey-Parker Day (in recognition of all the interlopers, meddlers and busybodies you know who couldn't survive without a piece of juicy gossip)

May 12: Pluto Recognition Day (who says this tiny, remote planet in our solar system that gives Scorpios a reason for being and time-travelers a great excuse to visit odd places doesn't deserve a litte R-E-S-P-E-C-T?)

May 13: Useless Hand-Made Gift Day (what a fortunate occasion to dream up something something utterly abominable to present as a token of affection from a loopy or long-lost friend)

May 14: Frisbee Golf Tournament Day (if your boomerang won't come back, you haven't a clue how to body surf, and you're tired of whacking a little white ball into 18 freaking tiny holes ...why not try a low-impact sport that doesn't require a helmet, shoulder pads or a big bank account?)

May 15: House of Cards Recognition Day (time to build a house of cards; then huff, puff and blow the bleeping thing down like Billy Goat Gruff -- lighten up will you!)

May 16: Bounce Something on Your Knee Day (a great way to keep a pesky pooch or a chortle-challenged child quiet, before you wring its little neck!)

May 17: Unplug It Day (what a wonderful opportunity to rid yourself of diversionary devices be they wicked wireless whatnots or TV's and telephones for at least 24 hours)

May 18: Jump Seat & Bonnet Appreciation Day (well it's about time to show off your vintage vocabulary as well as flaunt your fabulous knowledge of flivvers)

May 19: Chewing Gum Awareness Day (what a great way taste all those fruity flavors and then leave a wonderful wad behind on a freshly-painted park bench, a waxed hard-wood floor, or whether it loses it's flavor on the bedpost overnight)

May 20: Polka Dot Bikini & Bedazzling Brief Day (for all those funky folk who need an excuse to play that old "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot" tune or participate in a local "Underwear Affair" fundraising walkathon for diseases below the belt)

May 21: Stilts & Pogo Jumping Day (for anyone who can't walk on water but needs something a tad extreme to impress their wimpy relatives, boring friends, or last but not least, a sees-all-knows-all boss)

May 22: Gemini Recognition Day (ever wondered who adores the color orange, hates being confined to bed, and hankers for a game of darts, snooker, or table tennis at midnight?)

May 23: National Ninnyhammer Day (time to honor all the Naysayers, Nimrods, and Nit-Pickers in your circle of fly-by-night friends and fickle family members)

May 24: Cow Pie Appreciation Day (okay, so you're lactose intolerant and your hay fever allergy makes you grumpy ...the least you can do is quit complaining and moo right along with a whole bunch of other color-coordinated cows doing what comes naturally in the annual Island Farms "Victoria Day" parade in Victoria, BC, Canada)

May 25: Silly Putty Appreciation Day (okay, so you can't color inside the lines, but manipulating "Silly Putty" ...well that takes education, skill, and experience ...and that doesn't tickle your funnybone now does it?)

May 26: Bubble Blowing Challenge (and you thought this was a contest for grownups with short-attention spans, a large lung capacity, and an abiding interest in environmentally-friendly dish detergents)

May 27: Smack Your Lips Day (a great opportunity for those who are reluctant to blow the whistle, those who avoid whistling while they work, and those who are too afraid to whistle in the dark)

May 28: Flashlight Tag Day (for all those A-type personalities who need to overcome their anxiety about monsters under the bed or extra-terrestrials out for an evening stroll)

May 29: "Groovy" Dance Day (time to teach someone you know with two large left feet how to do the "frug", the "shimmy", the "monkey", the "swim", the "loco-motion", the "bus stop" and of course the ever-popular but classic "fox trot")

May 30: Paint-By-Numbers Day & My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day (Okay, so you're not Rembrandt ...but if you can follow instructions and paint inside the lines, rather than complaining about a blessed bucket with a hole in it, you've got it made today!)

May 31: Pied Piper & Pig-In-A-Poke Recognition Day (time to nominate anyone you know who truly deserves the prestigious "Pinhead of the Year Award")

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Photo Insert Credit: Kelley Kuechle's photostream on flickr.com

CALENDAR OF ODD OCCASIONS AND ECCENTRIC EVENTS TO CELEBRATE IN JUNE!

If June is "bust'n out all over", you're probably a green-thumb type, a frisky cowpoke, or perhaps just a "Hot Foot powder" aficionado.

On the other hand, maybe you're one of those testy technical types who are rather relieved to know that we're half way through the Gregorian calendar.

Besides celebrating "Clean Air" day (time to let those soiled socks in one's bottom drawer see the light of day), it's also time to honor fathers everywhere by giving them a token of your appreciation a flipping flyswatter!

So without further adieu, before bidding a fond farewell and after a few giggling good-byes perhaps take a glance at what's in store for the jolly month of June.

June 1 - Clean Air Appreciation Day (Time to honor those with a compelling need to air their dirty linen in public or engage in a natural urge to break wind in elevators).

June 2 - No Improvement Necessary Day (For all those "I'm all right Jack/Jill" people you know who are fine and dandy just the way they are thank you!)

June 3 - Play With Your Food Day (Vanquishing one's veggies, eating giggling Jell-O with a fork and mashed mayhem never looked like so much fun!)

June 4 - Gemini Appreciation Day (Time to honor all those heavenly twins you know who are also restless, impractical, gossipy, nervous and a tad capricious or fickle).

June 5 - Flaunt It Day (Time to flaunt whatever makes you feel like a King or Queen including your newly renovated throne room if you wish).

June 6 - National Fly By the Seat Of Your Pants Day (When the going gets tough, it's nice to know one can put on a pair of water wings to celebrate "winging your way to success"!).

June 7 - International Belly-Dancing Day (It's never too late to flaunt your flab, wag your tail and do the hoochy-koochy 'cause that's what life's all about!)

June 8 - Sandbox Appreciation Day (Time to whip out the shovels, pails, beach balls and water balloons; play fair ...no pulling hair and no tattle-tales please!)

June 9 - Jug Band Day (For all those folks who can't hold a tune but can play a kazoo, a pennywhistle, and drum on pots...now who says that ain't music!)

June 10 - National Tooth Fairy Appreciation Day (In honor of the Goddess-of-Grin-&-Bear-It and those who yank out chompers all day long for a living).

June 11 - Fingernail Fashionista Day (Time to decorate those delightful digits with clashing colors, stylish sparkles, or perhaps even super-size them for a change!)

June 12 - Messy Munchkin Day (A fine way to honor the messy munchkin inside you with plenty of papier-mâché, finger-paints, or oodles of play-doh!)

June 13 - Teflon Suit Appreciation Day (In honor of those who manage to survive by letting all manner of things slide off their backs and onto someone else's!)

June 14 - Naughty T-Shirt Day (A way to pacify the politically-incorrect people in your life who have a bad habit of buying novelty t-shirts with raunchy, ribald retorts).

June 15 - "Father Knows Best" Day (Yup, it's time to pay homage again to the "King of the Castle" or you'll end up the "dirty rascal"!)

June 16 - Hoity-Toity, Highfalutin & High-Muck-A-Muck Appreciation Day (Time to honor all the la-di-da ladies you know not to mention the other pompous, pretentious and puffed up people, flighty and frivolous folks or snobby and snooty sorts by throwing them all a stylish swine & dirty-foot cheese party of course!)

June 17 - National Swing & Teeter-Totter Appreciation Day (Time to test every playground swing and teeter-totter in town just for the heck of it!)

June 18 - National Pet-Peeve Day (Name those top five blessed things that people do that nearly drive you to drink, up a wall or maybe right round the bend).

June 19 - Sir Walter Raleigh Appreciation Day (Time to honor all patriarchs who engage in shameless acts of chivalry and wanton acts of gallantry ...like giving up their seat or opening doors for a woman, bestowing flowers upon the fair sex and laying down one's coat on a pretty big puddle to impress those feisty feminists).

June 20 - National Skinny-Dipping Day (Time to put on your 'birthday suit' and welcome the official first day of summer!)

June 21 - Coupon Collector Day (Time to honor all the penny-pinchers and frugal folks who faithfully cut-out coupons from those weekly shopping flyers every week.)

June 22 - National Boondoggle Day (This is a rather fine occasion to chronicle all the white elephant projects designed to waste valuable taxpayers' money.)

June 23 - Hand-Me-Down Day (Time to pass along a previously-enjoyed item like that gaudy Christmas tie from Aunt Clara or those pink bell-bottoms to someone who truly deserves them!)

June 24 - Go Slow As Molasses Day (A wonderful excuse to do everything in slow motion be in talking, walking, or doing anything really important!")

June 25 - National Hoot & Holler Day (A nice way to honor those who aren't inspired by such competitive games such as tiddlywinks or toe-wrestling.)

June 26 - National Hornswaggling Day (Time to practice the art of bamboozling, beguiling, bluffing, cajoling, circumventing, duping, gulling, juggling, outsmarting, and outwitting your favorite nemesis!)

June 27 - Standing On One's Head Day (Highly recommended for those who need to gain a new perspective on life; not advisable for precocious pin-heads or members of the Flat Earth Society).

June 28 - Global Glad-Handing & Gad-Fly Appreciation Day (In recognition of people who love people and their annoying little habit of inserting smiley-faces in the signature line of every email or hand-written note they send you!)

June 29 - Great Gizmo & Gadget DayJune 30 - Breaking Rules Day (The Fickle Finger of Fate has allowed you one day to bend or break an immutable rule ...which one will it be?)

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Calendar compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees (referred to as the Duchess of Dither) and Lord Earl Craboon (otherwise known as the Duke of Doorknobs) are a delightful duo of dingbats who frequent the ripsnorthing royal court of The Quipping Queen.

ENTERTAINING EVENTS AND AMUSING ACTIVITIES TO ENJOY IN JULY

July is one of the most popular jocund, jocose, and jocular months of the year.

In a nutshell, this means one can be jestful, merry, playful and witty without fear of becoming a public spectacle.

After all, it's summertime. And, in some places like Canada, this 60-day season comes but once a year ... along with oodles of blinking bugs, hordes of black bears, and far too many blessed barbecues to count.

"Joie de vivre" is in the air! Now get ready to jiggle a wattle with reckless abandon, jay walk to your heart's content or jump for joy in your breathtakingly beautiful birthday suit naturally!)

And without further adieu, as the saying goes, "May my karma run over your dogma". If you don't fancy that, then enjoy the following odd activities designed to put a smile on your face if nothing else!

July 1 - Canuck Appreciation Day (Time to honor all those titillating tuque-types wearing plaid shirts and carrying a box full of brewskies not to mention yelling "I AM CANADIAN" at the top of their lungs.)

July 2 - Junk Art, Junk Bond, and Junk Mail Appreciation Day (Who said there's no gold in them there hills of riff-raff and really tasty refuse!)

July 3 - Just Call Me Jezebel Day (A festive occasion to celebrate red-hot mommas, fashion-conscious floosies, and those saucy, sultry sirens that spice up life!)

July 4 - Stars & Stripes Day (Time to honor those who brought us Davy Crocket, Mickey Mouse, and the greatest hero of all...Superman!)

July 5 - Jousting Tournament Day (For all Knights of the Board-Room Table who need to don their jock straps and shiny armor suits, ride well-heeled hobby horses, and yell "cowabunga" while poking each other in the mid-riff with super-duper, ludicrously long whopping rubber pointy things just to have a bit of fun and frolic).

July 6 - Johnny-On-The-Spot Appreciation Day (Time to honor the humble but clean and safe public places of ease that afford one the opportunity of taking a piddle during a parade, a leisurely leak during a jamboree or simply letting the creative juices flow at an outdoor jazz festival so when nature calls, why isn't there a blinking one in sight?)

July 7 - National Jerry-Build Recognition Day (It's never too late to honor all those marvelous makeshift folks who fling up, knock together, or simply slap dash with a bit of duct-tape, silly putty, and crazy glue stuff that might do in a pinch if you're missing the right tools or parts!)

July 8 - "Christmas in July" Day (Time to audit all the places politicians, pundits, and grand pooh-bahs have visited in the name of "expanding business opportunities" or "understanding diverse cultures" %u2026all on the taxpayers' tab!)

July 9 - Jim-Dandy, Whizbang, & Humdinger Appreciation Day (A great way to honor everyone who wants to have their cake and eat it to ...when it isn't even their birthday!)

July 10 - Crab Recognition Day (In honor of all those cranky Cancer-types who love security, money, food, children and also some very old casual clothes you wouldn't be caught dead even if they have designer-labels and were once worn by Batman or the Bees Knees for that matter).

July 11 - Jolly Juxtaposing Day (For all those folks who've never heard of "color-coordination" yet need a valid excuse to dress up like a dork!)

July 12 - Joystick and Joyride Awareness Day (This day is dedicated to people who are all thumbs, hate teeter-totters, and always dreamed of driving a kiddy-car).

July 13 - What I Want To Do When I Grow Up Day (In honor of all those who quit their day jobs as call center operators, burger flippers, or toll booth attendants to ran away and join the circus!)

July 14 - Jaw-Boning and Jay-Walking Day(Time to recognize the vital role played by professional influence-peddlers... they love to hear the sound of their own voices, and those who avoid using cross-walks whenever possible...they're allergic to white stripes.)

July 15 - Hot as Hades, Heck, & Hell Appreciation Day (This is a rather fine way to experience and appreciate the merits of netherworld weather when you can sweat bullets all you want and perspire to your heart's content and no one will give a damn!)

July 16 - Babble & Banter Appreciation Day (Finally an occasion to honor good-natured teasing, idle-talk, and twiddling thumbs which not only burn calories but also bring bliss ... what more do you want from life?)

July 17 - Jumper, Jump Suit & Joe Blow Fashion Day (Time to honor clothes designed for folks with no curves, no class and no clever jokes to get a laugh!)

July 18 - National Put-Your-John-Henry-Here Day Finally a day we can finger all those folks who scribble signatures on documents that the rest of us can't read!)

July 19 - Jangled Nerves & Jigsaw Puzzle Appreciation Day (A time to honor the many ways you can be driven to drink, to pop a pill, or to off a neighbor's dog whilst rummaging around for the last lost piece to your ruddy jigsaw puzzle!)

July 20 - Jodhpur Appreciation Day (What a better way to pay homage to a form-fitting pair of leggings with a full cut through the hips that every well-dressed, heffalum-hunter should wear!)

July 21 - Jolly Roger Recognition Day (A terrific time to honor patriotic pirates with such perfect paraphernalia as basic black and white flags with adorable little skulls and cross-bones designed to impress friends and foes at work!)

July 22 - Johnny-Come-Lately Day (If you always manage to dilly-dally around arriving fashionably late for a very important date, this day is made for you. By the way are you sure your name isn't the "Mad Hatter"?)

July 23 - Jitterbug Appreciation Day (Okay, so you have two left feet and can't find the right groove let alone the wrong one ...who says you can't jive, jump up and down, or jiggle your booty like the Big Bopper or Belle Bottoms over there?)

July 24 - Flotsam & Jetsam Appreciation Day (Time to toss a few things overboard in the sea of life before you take that all-expense paid trip on the Titanic!)

July 25 - Jigging, Jogging, and Juggling Day (A way to honor those who like tap dancing on the head of a pin, running a mile in someone else's shoes, or deftly tossing balls in the air with not a hope in hell of catching them!)

July 26 - Jalopena Pepper Awareness Day (If the devil is in the details, then Beelzebub probably eats Tabasco sauce for the main course and hot peppers for dessert! So eat plenty of these suckers and become a fire-breathing dragon that any company would be pleased to hire!)

July 27 - Jump in the Jacuzzi Day (To gain a new perspective on life, toss your knickers, drop your drawers, and enjoy a breathtaking bubble bath with your friends or neighbors!)

July 28 - "Entertaining Euphemisms" Day (A great way to practice using soft talk to hide bold-faced truths...like "croaking", "meeting your maker", "pushing up the daisies".)

July 29 - Skinny Dip Appreciation Day (Time to toss your togs, put on your "Birthday Suit", and run under the hose, splash about in a wading pool, or dive off the deep end for all we care!)

July 30 - Handkerchief Appreciation Day (A tribute to a small square of silk, linen or cotton useful at funerals to conceal the lack of tears shed at the demise of alligators and other toxic, tempermental homo-sapiens who inhabit the swamp of corporate life today.)

July 31 - Jowl Appreciation Day (This is joy-filled festive occasion that encourages fondling of a dewlap, "wattle", or pendulous part of a double chin belonging to an intimate friend or close companion - just to let them know how much their wiggly whatsit means to you).

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Calendar compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and Lord Earl Craboon are two charm-free types, (who having been tossed out of the House of Lords and Ladies in Jolly Olde England), are now well ensconced in the Court of the Quipping Queen situated on the tip of Vancouver Island waiting for a 9 point on the Richter scale earthquake to hit at any moment.

This curious calendar is compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon. (NOTE: Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and her faithful consort Lord Earl Craboon have earned a rather ripsnorting reputation as goodwill gossip-mongers in the award-winning Court of The Quipping Queen.

August, a very special time when we honor the eighth day of the eighth month of the eighth year -- the inauguration of the "Odd Olympics" of course!

On the other hand, if you`re in a quandary about why a cow would want to jump over the moon, who let the screaming meemies loose, and worried about who's going to win the Golden Goose Egg Award for losing the egg-and-spoon race -- you definitely need a vacation!

So kick back, toss your TV remote control and cell phone in the lake, and try fly-swatting for a change!

On the other hand, for all those who have to report for work and suffer from far too many liquid lunches, limp watercress sandwiches, and lightweight daydreams, consider celebrating Men from Mars Day. (That's when masked men with maps and Mayflower Madams on their minds descend from simmering, sleek, sightseeing spaceships to discover they've not only arrived on the wrong planet, but also 3,542 years too late for the beach party.)

So without further adieu, adios, arrivederci, au revoir, auf Wiedersehen, not to mention cheerio, ciao, pip pip, tah tah, toodle-oo, see you later Alligator, and that wretched standby "Have a Nice Day!" why not take our advice and enjoy these good-humored, good-for-nothing activities that exemplify the merry month of August.

August 1 - BATHTUB RACING DAY (Grab an old bathtub, put on some wheels and add an old motor or some oars, then find a place to float your funky boat!)

August 2 - NATIONAL ABBREVIATION APPRECIATION DAY (Time to celebrate the ancient sport of skinny-dipping, the science of getting down to bare essentials, and the fine art of bikinis, briefs and box shorts.)

August 3 - ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN RECOGNITION DAY (A great way to honor weird things that are bound to melt sooner or later and leave a smelly mess behind.)

August 4 - BOB DID IT DAY (Anything you'd dearly love to pin on dear old Bob, now's the time to do it.)

August 5 - DEVIL'S ADVOCATE DAY (Time to get out your bull horns, slip into a flaming red spandex suit, and grab a rusty pitchfork because it's time to honor all those who adore playing "Devil's Advocate" in your workplace!)

August 6 - NATIONAL HYPOCHONDRIAC APPRECIATION DAY (It's time for another "Pity Pot Party" where you get to pick your favorite ailment as an excuse to skip work today!)

August 7 - LEFT-FIELD AWARENESS DAY (Time to honor all those things that come appear out of nowhere and hit you on the head every now and then like bird droppings, old flames, and visits from long-lost relatives.)

August 8 SCARLET PIMPERNEL & MATA HARI DAY (Time to go incognito or undercover and be your favorite mystery man or maven; what's your nom de plume and what's your game?)

August 9 - ALPHABET APPRECIATION DAY (Time to talk about people, places and things beginning with the letter "B" like "Bucky Beaver", "Bobo" (Alabama), or the "bogey man".)

August 10 -UGLY ART & ARCHITECTURE DAY (Time to award the "No. 1 Eyesore" in your community; hint, it's the thing that even a flea market couldn't sell).

August 11 - LEO RECOGNITION DAY (This is payback time when you get to showcase those smug, stubborn, sulky sorts who strut about and stroke their locks, play with their curls, or simply wear a crown to cover their over-sized cerebellums).

August 12 - BIFFY BEAUTIFICATION DAY (Yup it's time to remodel, redecorate or revive that classic piece of American architecture the mobile ablution hut better known as the cottage outhouse, the camp latrine, or the outdoor privy.)

August 13 - BEAT-AROUND-THE-BUSH DAY (A time-honored occasion to evade thorny issues, lead folks down the garden path, and practice your hem-and-hawing skills.)

August 14 - CLUTTERBUG & PACK-RAT APPRECIATION DAY (It's never too late to recognize the contribution made by frenzied folks who are fond of collecting oodles of paper, bits of string, not to mention broken pencils and old photographs.)

August 15 - GONG SHOW AWARD DAY (Is there a delightful ding-dong diva or dude waiting to be recognized in your workplace or neighborhood?)

August 16 - NATTY NAPKIN DAY (Why not celebrate one of the most overlooked pieces of puff we have today, the humble dickey, the cheery chin-wiper, or that breathtaking bib and tucker outfit.)

August 17 - BEST BILLBOARD IN TOWN AWARD (Time to choose your favorite outdoor ad, the one that makes you jump elegantly for joy, roll merrily in the street, or quietly split your sides laughing.)

August 18 - FAKE FLOWER RECOGNITION DAY (Time to plant those plastic pots of PVC pansies on the deck to impress your know-it-all in-laws or nosey neighbors.)

August 19 - THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD PREDICT DAY (Time to put on your crash-helmet on because this could be a real winner!)

August 20 - EXCESS BAGGAGE APPRECIATION DAY (There's someone out there you know who always packs a 350-pound bag for an overnight trip to somewhere...this is his/her day!)

August 21 - BY-THE-BOOK REWARD DAY (A great occasion to honor those who never do a thing without consulting the operating instructions, or a policy and procedures manual.)

August 22 - NATIONAL BUTTER-FINGERS APPRECIATION DAY (So who do you know who constantly drops the ball, cannot climb a slippery pole, or sucks their thumb a lot?)

August 23 - NATIONAL CAVE MAN RECOGNITION DAY (Time to honor the best breast-beater you know or failing that, the best burned beef barbecue cook in your neighborhood.)

August 24 COCKTAILS & CAPERS DAY (Time to see who can whip up a "Blue Blazer", a daring "Daiquiri", a "Horse's Neck", a "Margarita", a "Pink Lady", or snappy "Sidecar" without a recipe of course.)

August 25 - BLAH BLAH BLAH & BLANKETY-BLANK-BLANK-BLANK APPRECIATION DAY (Frankly, what would the world be without naughty little words to fill in the blanks after hitting one's thumb with a hammer, listening to a talking head, or giving someone else a piece of your mind?)

August 26 - AAAH & OOOH AWARENESS DAY (Time to tell everyone you know what you want for your birthday, Christmas and Employee Appreciation Day.)

August 27 - STUFF YOU SHOULDN'T DO ON YOUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB DAY (An occasion to honor the fine art of doodling, whistling while you work, or grooming your guinea pig in your cubicle.)

August 28 - MEN FROM MARS DAY (A good opportunity to check out the little green guys not to be confused with "Men from Glad" who grumble about carrying out your trash every week, adore swatting the occasional fly, and claim they were born with a convenient push-button TV remote control located on their navels naturally.)

August 29 - THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T LEND DAY (Let's see, there's your birthday suit, your pet boa, or your delightful dentures.)

August 30 - THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T KISS DAY (This list might include frogs and toads, Big Bird and the Blarney Stone not to mention cheap imitations of Prince Charming or the Princess of Prunes!)

August 31 - HORSE IN THE BATHROOM APPRECIATION DAY (Time to tell all those "would you believe it" stories, that might leave some scratching their heads or yelling for more!)

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon, a ripsnorting pair of potty people from the Court of the Quipping Queen.

October 1 - Orange You Ready Day -- Yup, time to don your brightest orange and green outfit today in honor of the Great Pumpkin who'll be on your doorstep in 30 days!

October 2 - Pump Up Your Pumpkin! - You'll need to practice your yodeling for this one because it's in Zurich, Switzerland at the Jucker Farmart where everyone loves to weigh in on heavy matters, especially who has the plumpest pumpkin? Last year the prize went to a honking great thing - 341 kilograms (the density of a disproportionate duchess).

October 3 - National Sarcastic Awareness Month - Time to burst the balloon of those boastful, bellicose braggarts you know!

October 4 - National Yo-Yo Contest - This is your chance to throw those balls around like nobody's business! Purple people eaters may want to take in the Loomis, California Eggplant Festival! Okay, so you hate "aubergine", can't spell it and haven't developed a taste for it yet, but you might just want to visit the Sierra Nevada mountains of California and visit the town of Loomis where eggplant entries race down a wooden plank in children's wagons just for the heck of it. Quit complaining and give it a shot! And if that's not enough how about the Sons of Norway Host Frokost Oct 4 in Mt. Horeb, Wisconsin...breakfast with the trolls!

October 5 - National Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work or School Day -- Who else comforts you when the world is going to heck in a handbasket?

October 6 - Be Bald & Free Day - Time to shave your head or toss your rug/wig!

October 7 - Celebrate the Letter "Z" Day - Yup, it's time to think of all those words in the English language beginning with "Z" (pronounced "zed" by Canadians and "zee" by Americans).

October 8 - National Cookie Day -- It's a great way to get your sticky little fingers caught in the cookie jar with no questions asked!

October 9 - Cranky Co-Workers Day -- Time to hold those hellions in high esteem by giving them a pointy black hat, a broomstick and a cackling machine!

October 10 - Bizarre Ball -- The world's biggest alternative culture publication, "Bizarre Magazine", presents the inaugural Bizarre Ball, which takes place in London, England. "Lucha Britannia", "Ministry of Burlesque" and the "Circus of Horrors" are all involved in this extravaganza, which boasts great new rock acts, gorgeous burlesque dancers, terrifying freaks, exotic erotic girls, masked Mexican wrestlers and strange illusionists, plus an audience who will be vying to outdo each other's outlandish outfits.

October 10-11 Turkey Trot Festival - Wiggle your wattle in Yellville at Arkansas' oldest annual festival!

October 11 - Fire Ant Festival - What do you mean you don't like ants? -- this is what keeps the folks in Marshall, Texas happy!

October 12 World Conker Championships - Why not be among 500 contestants or 5,000 lollygagging leisure-minded folk; after all, if you can't toss chestnuts on an open fire the least you can do is join in this saucy sporting event at Ashton Village Green in the U.K.

October 13 - International Skeptics Day -- What do you mean you don't believe in the "Tooth Fairy", "levitation", and "flying saucers"?

October 14 - Eat Your Dessert First Day -- Today you don't need to eat your favorite dessert for breakfast or your broccoli at midnight!

October 15-18 - Circleville Pumpkin Show - Wanna join a crowd of quirky characters (300,000 strong)? Then head on over to a town outside of Columbus, Ohio where they plug the fact they have pumpkins that weigh more than 1,300 lbs., toss the orange orbs all over the place, and invite everyone to join in hog calling and pumpkin pie eating contests.

October 17-19 - Scarecrow Festival - You'll have to cross the 49th parallel to enjoy this one in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada!

October 17-26 Fantasy Fest - Can't wait to don your dorky duds/dazzling diva outfits or posh pet poofery? Well why not take in a week of wonk and weird happenings in Key West, Florida

October 18-19 Wooly Worm Festival - Vanity-conscious virmiculturists will be pleased to know that they have a special spot to hang out every year in Banner Elk, North Carolina.

October 20 - Brandied Fruit Day -- Today you can tipsy on dried apricots and raisins in some flaming branding...ah what fun...just don't burn the roof of your mouth or set your hair on fire!

October 21 - Count Your Buttons Day -- Yup, you can thank your lucky stars for the invention of the button which keeps a lot of things under wraps, including those little love handles.

October 22 - National Nut Day -- Time to appreciate those hard little things that break your molars or get stuck between your teeth at the most inopportune moments (when you haven't got a toothpick handy).

October 23 - Scorpio Appreciation Day -- Time to pat all those fixed water signs of the zodiac on the back, you know the obtstinate, overbearing, outrageous scorpions you know who drive you to drink!

October 24 - National Bologna Day -- Have you ever wondered what they really put in that luncheon meat you eat every day?

October 25 - Erotic Exotic Ball -- Kick up your heels at this celebration of fantastic fleshpots in San Francisco! Or if that doesn't grab your fancy, get a wiggle on over to Manitou Springs, Colorado for the Emma Crawford Coffin Race! And, if that's not enough to turn your crank, how about attending another weird event, the Hogeye Festival every year in Elgin, Texas! And for the pointy hat crowd, we've got the Witch Festival in Smithtown, New York!

October 25-26 Witch Festival - If you're a fan of frightening films, boisterous broomsticks, and wicked wenches, or have an interest in connecting to your Celtic past, casting spiffy spells in a curious coven, now you can join in with other saucy spooks and visit a scary supernatural spot called Fort Cognelot in France.

October 27 - Increase Your Psychic Powers Day -- Who said you can't will that silly white rabbit out of the hat with your amazing brain waves?

October 28 - Carve a Pumkin Day -- This a superb celebration for those who have itchy fingers and love knives...it also helps if you have a weird imagination!

October 29 - Freaky Frankenstein Appreciation Day -- Time to practice your bloodcurdling screams and don your ugliest costume for some fun!

October 30 - Haunted Refrigerator Day - Time to remove all those ghastly leftovers including that old pizza slice, flaccid veggies, not to mention the horrid heebeejeebies inhabit your icebox.

October 31 - Halloween -- This is the best day of the year to mash monsters, grind ghouls up into little pieces and trounce some testy trolls (but avoid pissing off "The Great Pumpkin" whatever you do!)

November is the 11th month of the calendar year, so what else is new?

Well for one thing this month features a good many things for knuckleheads, ninny-hammers, and nudniks to engage in since their attention spans are usually shorter than the bat of an eye or a flash in the pan.

They can all take heart from the fact that this month is full of merry-making for morose mavens and munchkins%u2026after all it's only one month away from the biggest gift-giving gala of the year!

So without further adieu, here's what's in store for you to do to celebrate odd occasions and weird events this month.

November 1 - National Who's Been Eating My Porridge Day (For those who are sick and tired of being "a friend to fibre", especially bran flakes!)

November 2 - Are you sure that's the Road to San Jose Day? (In honor of all those who despise analogue devices such as maps and would rather use a handy-dandy new digital high-flying GPS gizmo that fits in your pocket, talks, and comes in 45 colors!)

November 3 - National Grin & Bare It Day (Everyone needs a lack practice in the art of stoicism and steadfastness; after all, "suck it up" is better than "spit it out"!)

November 4 - Scorpio Awareness Day (Time to spot those fixed water signs who rule the world of magical matters like taboos and voodoo ...you know the intractable, inscrutable, impenetrable, secretive, unshockable souls with magnetic personalities who understand failure -- yee haw!)

November 5 - Guy Fawkes Day (The second time this year you can officially light firecrackers under the seat of any nosey nemesis or naughty nudnik naturally).

November 6 - One Toy That Should Never Have Been Invented Day (Okay now it's time to figure out what tawdry toy you've encountered sometime during your stay on planet earth that should quite frankly never have seen the light of day).

November 7 - Worst Workplace Décor Day (Time to nominate someone for this prestigious award in your office - prize a weekend pass to the nearest petting zoo for some pointers from a bunch of beasts that probably couldn't care less!)

November 8 - National Tom Thumb Day (So if you were six inches tall for a day, exactly what would you do besides twiddling your thumbs for a whole twenty-four hours?)

November 9 - National Animal Crackers Day (A pleasant alternative to "Girl Guide Cookies" %u2026but everyone must also reveal the name of the animal with whom they would share the rest of their life with if that's the way the cookie crumbled!)

November 10 - National Ho-Hum Body Part Day (For those who haven't a clue about anatomy but don't mind telling all about the least erotic part of the human body!)

November 11 - Thirteenth Month of the Year Day (Time-starved individuals should use their imagination to come up with a name for the thirteenth month, not to mention where it's supposed to be inserted in the present calendar if you please!)

November 12 - National Pick Your Favorite Movie Prop Day (Okay, is it the Wizard of Oz's wig, a seagull from "The Birds", or a shower-stall from an Anthony Perkins thriller?)

November 13 - Gift of Magic Day (Yup, it's your lucky day because you've got a wee genie in a bottle who pops out and grants you three wishes ...what are they?)

November 14 - Nicest Compliment You've Ever Received Day (It's one of those rare occasions, but check your memory bank and figure out the nicest compliment you've ever received in your entire life, one that you don't mind sharing with the rest of humanity).

November 15 - License Plate Appreciation Day (The government has just informed you that you could have your license plate say anything at all, what would it be in 10 numbers/letters or less?)

November 16 - Rename Your Family Day (To meet the growing demand folks who want a new lease on life, it's now time to rename each family member...what do you mean you don't want a new nickname!)

November 17 - Dig That Derriere Day (Forget the botox! If a fairy godmother dropped by and told you that you could have anyone else's gluteus maximus, posh posterior or tight buns, just whose would you choose?)

November 18 - National Lazybones Awareness Day (Okay it's payback time for the laziest person you know! If you could pick one thing that this individual would have to do for the rest of their life - who would it be and what would this person have to do?)

November 19 - Three Least Favorite Words Day (This will definitely appeal to blabbers, blatherskites, and motor-mouths who will never be short on words!)

November 20 - Goosebump Awareness Day (So pray tell, what gives you goosebumps? And, how come no one ever has goosebumps on the face?)

November 21 - Computer Modification Day (The folks who manufacture the best thing since sliced bread come to ask you what one thing you'd like to see changed on your computer and what might it be ...now think hard all you dweebs and dingbats!)

November 22 - Hardest Position to Play in Sports Day (For all the sports jocks, couch potatoes, and sideline critics, what would you say is the most difficult one?)

November 22 - Nifty New Appliance Day (Advertisers are having a field day with a brand new appliance; what's it called and exactly what will it do to make life easier?)

November 23 - National Jockstrap Collectible Day (Your favorite sports league has just announced a new fantasy prize for an upcoming contest - the jockstrap of your favorite fantasy game and fantasy player. What's the game and who is the player?)

November 24 - Mighty Murfle Appreciation Day (Time to see who has the most freckles among your family, friends, and faithful colleagues at work).

November 25 - National Jeepers Creepers Day (What's the biggest surprise you've ever had in your life? Sponsored by the "Holy Cow Cooperative" & "The Holy Smoke Alliance of Spirits and Other Figments of Your Imagination"!)

November 26 - Look Before You Leap Day (In honor of all those who took a flying leap from the frying pan into the fire just to get a taste of "S'mores"!)

November 27 - National Hold Your Horses Day (Celebrates all those faithful plodders who are always chomping at the bit, but never quite make it out of the stall to win a race)

November 28 - National Slam-Dunk Contest Day (Time to try out your waste-paper basket skills - there are no prizes just the title "The Hottest Damn Slam-Dunker"!)

November 29 - World Finger Snapping Day (In honor of fuss budgets and slow restaurant food service; now you get to practice it all day long!!!)

November 30 - Tickle Me Pink Day (A social networking day of course!)

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Insert Image: "Australia Scorpio Stamp", courtesy of zeevveez at flickr.com

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon, a ripsnorting pair of potty people from the Court of the Quipping Queen.

September is the 9th month of the year. No one has a clue why they call it "Sept"ember meaning "seventh" in French, instead of "Neuf" meaning "ninth".

Obviously "The Association for the Correct Name of Things" hasn't got around to fixing this error. They have many more important things to do, such as coming up with a name for the newest planet in the solar system.

Anyway, "neuf" or not, remember to get the little nippers off to school on time, and then hot-foot into work with a perky smile on your face before your boss hands you a pink slip this month.

Well now that we've got all that yucky-pooh stuff out of the way, we can all begin to have some fun. After all, we've only got another couple of months before celebrating Halloween, Thanksgiving and the biggest gift-giving bonanza of them all Christmuhka!

In the meantime, we'll just practice our prattle n' puck skills this month just to limber up for the good times ahead.

So, without further whatnot and wherefore, just join in and have a ball over the next 30 days doing what comes naturally.

September 1 - National No Footwear Day (Sponsored by the "Kid-in-All-Of-Us" & "Pleasure-Seeking Podiatrists Association of America".)

September 2 - Virgo Appreciation Day (Time to honor all those cranky, dogmatic, eccentric, over-demanding, prudish, untidy yet earthy potted plant lover types you know.)

September 3 - Ever Wonder What the Romans Did When the Coliseum Was Closed Day (An excellent time to design & build your fuel-efficient soap-box derby vehicle.)

September 4 - National Back-To-School Pencil Sharpening Tournament (A "must" for every parent, student, and teacher -- that leaves the rest of us off the hook, thank god!)

September 5 - Apple Polishing Day (For those who don't like kissing butts or frogs!)

September 6 - Loose Goose & Moose Appreciation Day (Every household, organization, and neighborhood has at least one of these rare beasts roaming around somewhere!)

September 7 - Say the Magic Word Day (Choose your your favorite fantasy name and ask folks to tell you the password to opening "Pandora's Box" or unlocking "Sesame's door".)

September 8 - National Adopt-A-Mail Box Day (Time to honor the snail mail postal service in your neighborhood by giving your blessed box a funky name, c'mon I dare ya!)

September 9 - International One-Foot Marathon Day (Let's see if the entire planet can jump up and down on one foot without complaining or making everything go tilt.)

September 10 - Is Your Biological Clock Ticking on Time Day? (Time to calibrate your internal clock - can you tell when 5 minutes is up without looking at a watch?)

September 11 - Ancestor Story-Telling Day (Time to trot out the old family photo album and hear those tacky tales about Great Uncle Hoo-Hoo and Granny Weeple).

September 12 - Grant Me One Wish Day (If the "Wizard of Wit & Wonder" said you could choose one warm and fuzzy destination in the whole wide world, what would it be besides hiking across Antarctica with your packsack and trusty Swiss army pen knife?)

September 13 - Funny Money Awareness Day (Time to see how many vendors will accept poker chips, Monopoly game money, or Canadian Tire coupons in lieu of the real thing?)

September 14 - Silent Screen Appreciation Day(Time to turn your boob-tube off and twiddle your thumbs, go for a walk, talk to a tree or a pet, or better yet, play a smashing game of marbles.)

September 15 - Duct Tape Appreciation Day (In honor of all the wonderful things you can do with this stuff besides catch flies, build a birdhouse, create a waterproof zoot suit.)

September 16 - National "Wing It" Day (Time to join the "improv" group at work, at home, or in your neighborhood -- just to see the look on everyone's face!)

September 17 - National Seat-Swapping Day (In honor of those who can't sing a note, can't do the bunny hop, and can't walk on water but just adore playing "Musical Chairs"!)

September 18 - Sir Galahad Appreciation Day (What would the Round Table be without the best Knight of the Carpet in town?)

September 19 - Little Bo Peep Appreciation Day (In honor of leaders who appear to have lost their flock, haven't got a clue where to find them, let alone what to say to bring them back into the fold other than selling them the benefits of a brand new MLM product!)

September 20 - Power Napping Recognition Day (Time to honor what gets most of the plebes, pundits and power-brokers through the day without loosing their cool or their marbles)

September 21 - The Dog Ate My Assignment/Project Day (Time to honor every excuse given in the book as to why something wasn't delivered on time, sponsored by EROS - the Excuse-Ridden Organization of Sloths.)

September 22 - Bat Woman, Bionic Woman & Xena Warrior Day (What would the world be without these indefatigable feisty feline fighters for freedom from kitchen duties if you please!)

September 23 - Autumn Leaf Recognition Day (Time to hunt for the biggest frigging dead leaf you can find; dry it out, mount it on some paper and hang it on a wall - to prove that you're a nature-lover if anyone dares to ask!)

September 24 - Humdinger Appreciation Day (Time to reveal some awesome, extraordinary, or striking person or thing that you encountered in your life that made you go 'Wow', 'Whew', 'Whoa' or 'Whatever'.)

September 25 - National Doorknob Appreciation Day (A very overlooked little device that most of take for granted until we knock on a door without one!)

September 26 - Tooth Fairy Awareness Day (In honor of all folks who hide their lost teeth under their pillows hoping that a pixie will drop by with the name of an affordable, pain-free dentist in the neighborhood.)

September 27 - Faucet Fetish Day (Time to check out all the plumbing boutiques to find the perfect faucet for one's high-tech, soothing ablution center in one's simple abode.)

September 28 - National Procrastination Day (Recognizes those who've made a vital contribution to the 360 degree "yes-but" feedback loop, or demonstrated a singularly dedicated response to the amazing feat of optimizing the inevitable status quo.)

September 29 - Pennies-From-Heaven Day (Time to pay your favorite utility bills or credit card with nothing but copper coins of the realm!)

September 30 - Naughty Foreign Word Day (What they don't teach you on those foreign language tapes - Merde! If you don't know one, ask any toddler, they'll help you!)

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Photo Illustration Insert: Source "Amerasu_ATC" photostream on www.flickr.com