Genius Ideas!

You've probably read about the Swiss sweaty t-shirt study, in which women were asked to rate attraction based on the smell of perspiration-soaked T-shirts worn by strangers. Well, why not turn that into a dating service? Customers would be given a standardized T-shirt and sent for a 1 - 2 mile jog on a treadmill in a 90-degree room. Then they would submit the sweaty T-shirt back to the dating service. In return, they would get to whiff an array of t-shirts from prospective partners, and choose the one they were most attracted to. Customers would get guaranteed instant chemistry, without having to sift through hundreds of dating profiles all claiming to like "fun" and "moonlit walks on the beach".

But why stop there? There's reams and reams of mating research that could be leveraged into dating services. For example, another study found that men are more likely to ask a female stranger out after walking across a rickety suspension bridge. The same researchers also found that men threatened with electric shocks are more likely to find a woman attractive. It's been well documented that fear enhances arousal. So why not create a dating services that follows couples around on their first date and threatens them, and maybe even mugs them (if they've paid for premium membership). After a few painful Taserings....hey, are those wedding bells I hear?

Why fool around with bulky glasses and contacts, when you can just have a prescription windshield installed?

Bifocal models would be available too, for people who need glasses for close-up road signs.

Someone should make a film entirely out of animated Rorschach inkblots. The audience would see whatever movie they subconsciously wanted to see. For Viewer A, it would be a cowboy movie. Viewer B would see a romance. Viewer C would see midgets playing Scrabble in a submarine.

No more squabbling over which movie to see! Dad can watch a spy movie with plenty of explosions, while Mom enjoys a tender love story and Junior laughs at the antics of cute cartoon mammals.

Another advantage to the Rorschach Movie: it would provide a window into the mind of your companion, and perhaps function as an early warning system. If your blind date from match.com remarks "Wow, that scene with the lady being dismembered with a hatchet was cool", you'll know to keep a firm grip on your mace.

Guaranteed, the Rorschach Movie will be the best film you ever saw. You'll walk out of the theater saying "Wow...it's almost like the screenwriter was reading my mind."

Forget all the mumbo-jumbo about exercise, portion control, and the food pyramid. What's needed is a sensible, logical approach to dieting. A scientific approach.

The first law of thermodynamics tells us that matter can change state, but it is always conserved. You can't create something out of nothing. So obviously, it's impossible to gain weight over and above the weight of the food you eat. If you eat one pound of tuna fish, you're not going to gain two pounds. The most you can gain is one pound.

That means the quickest way to lose weight is to eat only light and fluffy foods:

1. Butter
2. Whipped topping
3. Meringue
4. Marshmallow Fluff
5. Oregano
6. Circus Peanuts

Avoid heavy foods. They'll pack on the pounds rapidly.

No-nos:

1. Watermelon
2. Squash
3. Canteloupe
4. Cabbage
5. Grapefruit
6. Swordfish

You can thank me later, when swimsuit season arrives.

In the spring, the clocks move ahead one hour. Daylight savings starts at 2 am on Sunday, which robs an hour out of your precious weekend. Why not start it at 4 pm on Friday?

"Oh, you wanted to schedule a last-minute Friday afternoon meeting with the entire global sales staff? I'm sorry...daylight savings just started!"

Q-tips, which were originally called Baby Gays (no, I'm not making this up), were invented in 1923 by Leo Gerstenzang and later sold to Cheseborough-Ponds. They've had a nice run, but it's been almost a hundred years, and the brand is getting a little stale. It's time for something innovative. A bold new shape, that can harness the 21st century cleaning power of serifs and crossbars.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present....the F-tip.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who like to recline their airplane seats, and those who sit directly behind them. Both sides view the other with suspicion, if not hostility. The recliners say, "I paid good money for this seat and I can do what I like with it, and not only that, I have arthritic hips and I need to lean back or else I won't be able to walk when the flight is over." The anti-recliners say "Oh yeah? Well, you're selfishly enriching your personal space at the expense of my already very limited personal space, which I also paid the same amount of money for, and moreover I'm 6'5" and have DVT and you're KILLING MY KNEECAPS AUGHGHGHGHGH."

Personally, I fall staunchly into the anti-reclining camp. I have long legs and can never find a comfortable place to put them on an airplane. Usually I fold them delicately, origami-style, against the seat back. As long as the seat back doesn't move, all is well. I probably wouldn't mind if the person in front of me asked me nicely, but invariably they launch the seat back abruptly just as I'm falling asleep, knocking both kneecaps askew. And then I've got their seat back literally in my face for the rest of the flight, and it's hard to get the tray table down for meal service.

The obvious solution: Airlines should set aside designated "No Reclining" sections where the seats are fixed upright. In the No Reclining section, you'll enjoy a tranquil flight, and never wonder anxiously whether your seatback tray is about to be driven into your abdomen. In the Reclining section, everyone can lean back in unison, guilt-free, and all will be peaceful, slanted harmony.

Another solution: redesign seats so that reclining is done by pushing the seat forward, rather than the back backwards. That way, passengers could recline without stealing leg room from the person behind.

I would pay lavishly for guaranteed leg room. Oh so lavishly. Are you listening, airlines?

Here's an idea for a totally stupid, but kind of cool, website. Key in your name, and the names of your siblings, and the website will tell you if any other groups of siblings exist with the exact same names. You could also put in your kids' names, and see if any other parents also named their kids Rainier, Violet, and Cletus. For added fun, try to find families with the same names in the same birth order.

I got this idea because in the town where I grew up, there was another family who had two daughters with the same names as me and my sister (same birth order and they were even two years apart, just like us). And my sister's name isn't all that common, so it was even more of a coincidence. I also have three brothers, and I used to wonder if there was a matching five-kid family somewhere out there. This website would just solve everything.

Here's how this one works. Volunteer citizens with relatively clean driving records would be armed with paintball guns, each one loaded with a special designated color: blue for speeding, red for road rage, purple for general ass-hattery. Whenever they spot a driver being a dope, they would be authorized to take the paintball gun and splat a "stupid spot" onto the side of the car. The stupid spot would be of semi-permanent paint, made to wear off after six months or so. In the meantime it would function as a sort of Scarlet Letter of Bad Driving. Cars with several dozen Stupid Spots would get extra special treatment by the police when pulled over for traffic infractions. Plus, the spots would function as visual warnings to other drivers: Unclean! Shun!

I, of course, would be one of the people armed with Stupid Spot guns.

New Ben & Jerry's flavor: Communion Wafer.

You've seen those charming little tag blankets for babies. They have all sizes and shapes of tags and loops sewn in, because their inventor noticed that babies love to grab shirt tags and play with them. A genius idea.

Now it's time to take it to the next level. How about a blanket filled with stuff that babies REALLY love to grab? A blanket with fake noses, eyeglasses, earrings, extension cords, and cat tails sewn into it? Babies would be FASCINATED. They'd play with it for hours, leaving your real glasses and earrings alone, and giving you ample time to get work done around the house. (Well, it might buy you five minutes of precious shower time.)

Here's the basic problem with politics: anyone who genuinely craves power, shouldn't be given it. Politicians spend all their time running campaigns, cozying up to lobbyists, and attending pancake breakfasts, and very little time crafting legislation that benefits the majority of the electorate.

That can be solved by making Congress a national citizen obligation, like jury duty. Every two years, we'd have an election like normal, but only to determine the appropriate party representation for each district. Ballots would simply be marked "D" or "R". Then, election officials would draw names of state reps from a pool of eligible voting-age citizens and notify them that they've been selected to serve in Washington. After a screening process (to eliminate Unabombers, wingnuts, and single-issue voters), they would be provided free housing and transportation, access to good public schools, and a modest yearly stipend (say, $50,000). At the end of their two-year term, they could move back to where they came from. People could refuse if they could cite legitimate hardship from moving and interrupting their careers, but I bet many would see it as a great opportunity.

First of all, it would solve the problem of perpetual campaigning. Nobody would serve more than two years, so there would be no incentive to waste time wooing party fundraisers and donors. There would be no consituents to answer to, so it would cut down on pork. For a change, Congress would be composed of people with real-life experience in issues like the minimum wage, urban crime, health care, and living next door to toxic waste dumps. The chances of passing sensible legislation that benefits the majority would be vastly increased. And since all of the representatives would be strangers to each other, there would be no seniority, no rankings, no quid pro quos, no filibusters. People would feel free to simply vote their conscience.

I think this model would scale nicely to senators, Presidents, and Supreme Court justices.

For people who aren't quite ready to adopt.

GUITAR VILLAIN

OK, you know how "Guitar Hero" works, right? Using a guitar-shaped controller, you play along with popular heavy metal songs and wow the crowd with your dazzling licks and awesome technique. Well, here's your chance to be a "Guitar Villain". Play really badly, and see if you can make the audience boo and/or get up and leave. Game comes with a cheesy acoustic guitar, a simulated festival crowd that's already been kept waiting in the hot sun for three hours, and many villainous song choices: "Kum-ba-ya", "Day by Day", "Macarthur Park".

SIM ADULT

Sort of like the Sims, but more geared towards the real world. Wash dishes, pay bills, contribute to your IRA, get regular colonoscopies, play with your kids, all while ignoring your real dishes, bills, IRA, colon, and kids.

VIRTUAL VIRUS

Log in and receive a set of mysterious symptoms (blotchy skin, itchy feet). Use these as clues to diagnose and treat your mystery ailment. You thought it was TB, so you took virtual antibiotics? Oops, it was dishpan hands! Now you've got a secondary infection! If you guess right, you earn points and a whole new set of vague symptoms.

STAY ON I-84 THROUGH HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT

This game is self-explanatory. In rush hour traffic, drivers must guess which is the correct lane and not get diverted off onto interstate 91 or any of the multitude of "exit only"/"left exit/carpool" lanes that come up. I have never once managed to do this successfully in real life.

Until now, the under-12 demographic has been completely neglected by the personal ad market. Think of how many kids are out there waiting to connect to playmates, best friends, and people whose parents own ice cream stores.

Sample ads:

"SWF, 5, desires imaginary friend. Color not important, but prefer purple."

"Spunky girl, looks 8, acts 4. Seeking mom who will let me have frosting for breakfast."

"Stuffed penguin, slightly stained, enjoys cuddling and tea parties."

"Boy, 10, ISO friend with Wii Playstation and TV privileges. Must be willing to travel. Grounded for two weeks."

AnkleBook. Where people can upload photos of their ankles, and find other ankles to be friends with their ankles.

wBay and rBay. You'll get all the people who mistyped eBay!

TheirSpace. For people with more interesting lives than you.

YumaTube. For videos of Yuma, Arizona.

Bad Idea Jeans

Commercial parody from Saturday Night Live.