Who is George Carlin

1: Carlin was the first-ever host of "Saturday Night Live" (1975)

2: His Stand-up routine "Seven Dirty Words You Can't Say on Radio or Television" became the center of a debate over censorship, and FCC legislation over profanity.

3: He makes us laugh at our selves.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
George Carlin

It's never just a game when you're winning.
George Carlin

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
George Carlin

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
George Carlin

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
George Carlin

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole . If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. It's. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?

Happily N'Ever After (2007) (voice) .... The Wizard

Cars (2006) (VG) (voice) .... Fillmore

Cars (2006) (voice) .... Fillmore

Tarzan II (2005) (V) (voice) .... Zugor

Jersey Girl (2004) .... Bart Trinke

Scary Movie 3 (2003) .... Architect

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) .... Hitchhiker

"Mad TV" .... Mr. Conductor (1 episode, 2000)- Episode #5.24 (2000) TV Episode .... Mr. Conductor

Dogma (1999) .... Cardinal Ignatius Glick

"The Simpsons" .... Munchie (1 episode, 1998) D'oh-in' in the Wind (1998) TV Episode (voice) .... Munchie

"Streets of Laredo" (1995) (mini) TV Series .... Billy Williams

"The George Carlin Show" .... George O'Grady (12 episodes, 1994)
- George Runs Into an Old Friend (1994) TV Episode .... George O'Grady
- George Lifts the Holy Spirit (1994) TV Episode .... George O'Grady
- George Looks Down the Wrong End of a Thirty-Eight (1994) TV Episode .... George O'Grady
- George Loses His Thermos (1994) TV Episode .... George O'Grady
- George Destroys a Way of Life (1994) TV Episode .... George O'Grady

"Shining Time Station" .... Mr. Conductor (2 episodes, 1991-1993)

Once Upon a Time (????) TV Episode .... Mr. Conductor

Second Chances (????) TV Episode .... Mr. Conductor

"Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends" (1984) TV Series .... US Narrator / ... (unknown episodes)

The Prince of Tides (1991) .... Eddie Detreville

Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991) .... Rufus

Working Tra$h (1990) (TV) .... Ralph

"Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures" (1990) TV Series .... Rufus

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989) .... Rufus

Justin Case (1988) (TV) .... Justin Case

Outrageous Fortune (1987) .... Frank Madras

Apt. 2C (1985) (TV)

Americathon (1979) .... Narrator

"Welcome Back, Kotter" .... Wally 'The Wow' Wechsel (1 episode, 1977)

Radio Free Freddie (1977) TV Episode .... Wally 'The Wow' Wechsel

"Tony Orlando and Dawn" (1974) TV Series .... Regular (unknown episodes, 1976)

Car Wash (1976) .... Taxi Driver

With Six You Get Eggroll (1968) .... Herbie Fleck

"Away We Go" (1967) TV Series .... Regular Performer (unknown episodes)

"That Girl" .... George Lester (1 episode, 1966)

Break a Leg (1966) TV Episode .... George Lester