The Socially-Anxious Guy's Dating Blueprint: 10 Foolproof Steps to Getting A Girlfriend if You Have Social Anxiety
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Dating is already kind of hard...
...and when you have social anxiety, it can seem to be impossible.
You've probably heard it all (or experienced it all) when it comes to what girls are looking for in a guy: sense of humor, confidence, a willingness to approach, a daring spirit. Social anxiety, however, sucks the life out of you. You're left wondering, "How the heck am I supposed to attract a girl with all the issues I have?!"
Take heart and go easy on yourself, brother. Keep in mind these ever-true words: where there's a will, there's a way.
You've probably heard it all (or experienced it all) when it comes to what girls are looking for in a guy: sense of humor, confidence, a willingness to approach, a daring spirit. Social anxiety, however, sucks the life out of you. You're left wondering, "How the heck am I supposed to attract a girl with all the issues I have?!"
Take heart and go easy on yourself, brother. Keep in mind these ever-true words: where there's a will, there's a way.
So what exactly are we up against here?
Social anxiety disorder is a mental disorder that causes you to be extremely shy, nervous and avoidant in just about any social situation. That spells trouble if you want to get out there dating and meeting girls. The sweaty palms, the shaking, not being able to hold eye contact, not being able to carry or even START a conversation...you know the deal. It's painful, it's embarrassing, and you may have even resigned to the grim fate of NEVER having a girlfriend.
Don't do that! You're missing out on your chances here...
Following are some very handy tips that if you follow diligently, every day, I PROMISE, you WILL be closer to getting a girlfriend.
Don't do that! You're missing out on your chances here...
Following are some very handy tips that if you follow diligently, every day, I PROMISE, you WILL be closer to getting a girlfriend.
1. Take a deep breath
...a really deep breath. You're starting on a big, brave journey here--that is, improving the one aspect of your life that you've been afraid to touch for so long. It's tortured you long enough. You're taking action. No looking back from here on, partner.
2. Get treatment
That's right--you have social anxiety disorder, and you need to treat that thing. If your social anxiety is severe enough to the point that it's destabilizing your life--keeping you from working a steady job or going to school, causing you to withdraw from friends and family, keeping you down consistently with painful depression and anxiety, not letting you control your thoughts--then you need help. And there's no shame in it, regardless of what you've heard, seen or even believed. Talk to your doctor about therapists (psychiatrists, cognitive psychologists, school counselors) who practice Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, a type that really works against Social Anxiety Disorder. Medications are also available through a psychiatrist. There are many great self-help books on the market as well.
By the way, if you're looking for the absolute best and fastest way to get started on your social phobia treatment, I invite you to check out the site below:
By the way, if you're looking for the absolute best and fastest way to get started on your social phobia treatment, I invite you to check out the site below:
Consider this: a relationship will come with it's own problems (oh yeah, it will). Give your future girlfriend the gift of having a balanced life before things start to get hot and heavy. Only when you're making solid progress in treatment and your life is starting to get on track should you continue to step number 3.
3. Hit the gym
Add in the obvious benefit of losing weight and toning muscle, and you've got a win-win. Don't neglect a weekly gym workout in your quest to get a girlfriend.
Remember: It's not about getting buff--it's about being fit, healthy, and more confident. The ladies like that.
Photo credit: johnlemon, CC BY-SA 2.0, on Flickr
4. Keep up appearances
You may or may not have noticed, but the "cool" guys out there have a certain way of dressing. It usually says that they're hip and "in the know." The clothes they wear seem to err on the side of trendy, yet comfortable.
Whether your style is preppy, surfer-dude, computer nerd, hip-hop/urban, or rocker, there's a way to do it right (and a certain type of girl you'll attract!). Make sure you get clothes that fit you well, and that your clothes are always ironed and spic-and-span before you set foot outside. Don't wear too many colors or patterns--err on the side of simplicity. If you feel like you don't know what you're doing, but you do sense that your wardrobe is ripe for an overhaul, it may be useful to chat with a fashion consultant.
5. Get out of the house
One of the hallmarks of social anxiety is being a shut-in. If you're at the point where you barely ever leave the house due to extreme anxiety, you need to go back to step 2 and stay there for a while. Remember, you've gotta take care of yourself first.
If you're homeboy habits are more out of laziness and just a moderate touch of anxiety, it's time to kick yourself in the hind parts a little and get out there. Every day. Whether it's a walk in the park, a bus ride to the museum, or a trip to the mall or the drug store, you need to make a habit out of being a part of the world. This will make the following steps easier...
If you're homeboy habits are more out of laziness and just a moderate touch of anxiety, it's time to kick yourself in the hind parts a little and get out there. Every day. Whether it's a walk in the park, a bus ride to the museum, or a trip to the mall or the drug store, you need to make a habit out of being a part of the world. This will make the following steps easier...
6. Start conversations
I know, scary. But it can be done, especially if you're getting your life on track by dutifully following the advice in step 2.
Start by saying, "Hi, how are you?" to cashiers before they say it to you. At the bus stop, make a comment to someone about how crazy/great the weather's been lately. At school, ask a classmate you've never talked to before what he/she thinks of the class and the professor.
Don't do this with only hot girls you're attracted to, but everyone: guys and girls, young and old. Get used to being social. If people invite you out to do fun stuff or to other groups, say yes. Make friends. (Friends are simply people who you have conversations with, share smiles with, exchange contact info with, and keep meeting up, smiling and having conversations with.)
You want to move on from this, of course, to longer, relationship-potential conversations. With attractive females. Get involved in a local common interest group in your city or town--meetup.com is a great resource for this--and keep going, meeting after meeting. Not to just one group, but several. Chances are, in at least one of them, you'll find a girl who you think you might be able to get into. Strike up a conversation with her, just like above, in a simple/no pressure way. You'll get more chances to learn more about each other in future meetings.
It's happening, man!
Photo credit: journeyscoffee, CC BY 2.0, on Flickr
7. Ask a girl out
Here we go, nervous time again. But it's really no big deal. It's just a matter of saying something akin to the following, to the cute girl you've been talking to over a few group meetings:
"Hey, I remember you mentioned you like art galleries. There's a new one I heard about downtown; we should check it out sometime and grab a coffee."
That's it! In that sentence, you have just asked a girl out. Just let the words (keep it something simple and similar to the above) roll off your tongue. It doesn't matter what she says afterwards--it just matters that you do it.
Here's where I'll give you a friendly word of warning-- she might say no. Or, "I have a boyfriend," or "I'm really busy actually," which are other ways of saying "no thanks." That's A-OK. It's not a judgment about you--she doesn't know you too well, so how can she be really judging the person that you are, deep down inside? (Short answer: she can't.)
If it's a no-go, just wash, rinse, and repeat, continuing to improve yourself along the lines of Step 2-6. Get out there and meet more girls. Get to step 7 again. Keep doing this and come back when you've got a "yes."
Got a "yes"? Here we go...
"Hey, I remember you mentioned you like art galleries. There's a new one I heard about downtown; we should check it out sometime and grab a coffee."
That's it! In that sentence, you have just asked a girl out. Just let the words (keep it something simple and similar to the above) roll off your tongue. It doesn't matter what she says afterwards--it just matters that you do it.
Here's where I'll give you a friendly word of warning-- she might say no. Or, "I have a boyfriend," or "I'm really busy actually," which are other ways of saying "no thanks." That's A-OK. It's not a judgment about you--she doesn't know you too well, so how can she be really judging the person that you are, deep down inside? (Short answer: she can't.)
If it's a no-go, just wash, rinse, and repeat, continuing to improve yourself along the lines of Step 2-6. Get out there and meet more girls. Get to step 7 again. Keep doing this and come back when you've got a "yes."
Got a "yes"? Here we go...
8. Make moves
Here's where a lot of shy and nervous guys seem to fumble things.
A relationship with a girl is different from a friendship based on one thing: physical intimacy. If a girl likes you, she'll be giving you all the signs that she wants you, as the man, to make a move and lead her into a romantic, intimate relationship. The signs are:
So, if you're on a date with her and she seems to be in a generally happy disposition, focused on what a good time she's having with you, think about making a move. It's not a big deal, even though it seems like one! You can do simple things like touching her on the shoulder when you share a laugh or giving her a quick hug when you first pick her up for the date. And of course, go in for the kiss at some point, but only when (1) you're really comfortable, (2) you're in a private or semi-private place, and (3) you sense that she really wants it.
Trust me, you'll know the right time. The key is, when it comes, to just go for it.
You'll be glad you did.
A relationship with a girl is different from a friendship based on one thing: physical intimacy. If a girl likes you, she'll be giving you all the signs that she wants you, as the man, to make a move and lead her into a romantic, intimate relationship. The signs are:
- sustained eye contact in conversations
- laughing or giggling at your jokes (even the corny ones)
- finding an excuse to touch you, or being comfortable close to you
- playing with her hair when she's looking at you, or you're talking to her
- smiling and seeming "happy" to be around you
- saying "yes" when you ask her out (yeah fellas, that's BIG! If she didn't like you to some extent, it's very unlikely she'd even go out with you!)
So, if you're on a date with her and she seems to be in a generally happy disposition, focused on what a good time she's having with you, think about making a move. It's not a big deal, even though it seems like one! You can do simple things like touching her on the shoulder when you share a laugh or giving her a quick hug when you first pick her up for the date. And of course, go in for the kiss at some point, but only when (1) you're really comfortable, (2) you're in a private or semi-private place, and (3) you sense that she really wants it.
Trust me, you'll know the right time. The key is, when it comes, to just go for it.
You'll be glad you did.
9. Be consistent
You'll find yourself getting more physically and emotionally comfortable with a girl the longer you date her. If you end up seeing her consistently for at least, say, twice a week after the third date, and both of you are on the same page--that is, you've talked about being exclusive with each other--you practically have a relationship on your hands. Voila! But alas, the work isn't done. (Told you relationships are work!)
Now it's time to be consistent. Keep spending quality time with each other and creating new adventures for the two of you. Listen to and care about her thoughts, worries, dreams and goals; if she's a worthy girlfriend, she'll do the same for you.
Photo credit: alluréd, CC BY 2.0, on Flickr
10. Keep developing your life
Be careful not to get too wrapped up in your girlfriend! Develop your own life as an individual apart from her, and give her the space to do the same. By now, you should have your own friends, your own hobbies, your own goals. You should be going over steps 2-6 and continue working on them, constantly refining the man you are.
Don't let your thoughts be plagued with the vague notion that she's your only chance for happiness, or that you have to hold on to her no matter what. If you think that way, you're even more likely to drive her away! Just focus on enjoying what you two have, and putting a little space between her and you so that you can both breathe and be yourselves.
Don't let your thoughts be plagued with the vague notion that she's your only chance for happiness, or that you have to hold on to her no matter what. If you think that way, you're even more likely to drive her away! Just focus on enjoying what you two have, and putting a little space between her and you so that you can both breathe and be yourselves.
How to put this plan of action...into action
Write this stuff down on big 4x6 index cards. Get 10 of them...you're going to need one for each point above.
On those cards, brainstorm about 5 specific things you can do to work towards that ideal (that "step") for a minimum of three weeks. (For step 2, for example, a few of those things might be "start an effective self-help program for social anxiety" (see my recommendation for that in step 2 above) and "talk to my doctor about finding a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders.") If you still have an unacceptable amount of anxiety after those three weeks, go for three more weeks.
After you've gained confidence in that particular area and you're READY to move on, go to the next step.
WARNING! There's a HIGH likelihood of failure if you're not 100% serious about turning your life around. Guess what? If you're 70%, 80%, or even 99.9999% serious about this, it won't work. Just cautioning you ahead of time. You can do this--it just means that you will have to make things happen for yourself by writing your plans down on index cards as described and working on those issues every single day.
Really. This is your blueprint for getting a girlfriend if you have social anxiety. All right here, free of charge, ready to be acted on. Are you gonna do it, dude?
On those cards, brainstorm about 5 specific things you can do to work towards that ideal (that "step") for a minimum of three weeks. (For step 2, for example, a few of those things might be "start an effective self-help program for social anxiety" (see my recommendation for that in step 2 above) and "talk to my doctor about finding a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders.") If you still have an unacceptable amount of anxiety after those three weeks, go for three more weeks.
After you've gained confidence in that particular area and you're READY to move on, go to the next step.
WARNING! There's a HIGH likelihood of failure if you're not 100% serious about turning your life around. Guess what? If you're 70%, 80%, or even 99.9999% serious about this, it won't work. Just cautioning you ahead of time. You can do this--it just means that you will have to make things happen for yourself by writing your plans down on index cards as described and working on those issues every single day.
Really. This is your blueprint for getting a girlfriend if you have social anxiety. All right here, free of charge, ready to be acted on. Are you gonna do it, dude?
The Wrap-Up
So we've learned today that social anxiety sucks big time--as if you didn't know that already--but that it does NOT have to dictate the course of your life. You're a man, entitled to happiness (as long as you're a good person) just like any other, and that includes a satisfying love life. So I challenge you again--are you going to do this? Are you so excited that you're already reaching for the 10 index cards (and if you don't have those at hand, are you cutting sheets of your printer paper in quarters instead, so you can start right away)?
Only YOU can change your life. Start today and reap the benefits tomorrow.
Share your thoughts below in the comments!
Only YOU can change your life. Start today and reap the benefits tomorrow.
Share your thoughts below in the comments!
My Blog @ HowToGetOverSocialAnxiety.com
Great Resources for Social Anxiety
Check out these links if you want to find out more about social anxiety.
- Wikipedia: Social Anxiety
- The Wikipedia entry on Social Anxiety, giving a broad overview of the condition.
- Social Anxiety Support
- Great information on various treatments, as well as an awesome forum.
- About.com: Social Anxiety Disorder
- About.com's hub for social anxiety. Full of useful facts and information.
Comments
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jaktraks
Jul 26, 2011 @ 10:17 am | delete
- Excellent and very helpful lens. I say that professionally as a licensed counselor, and as a squid angel I leave you with a blessing.
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SonicShyGuy
Jul 26, 2011 @ 9:14 pm | delete
- Thanks so much jaktraks! I feel truly honored to receive your blessing, seeing as this is my first lens--and I'm not even a counselor! I have learned some strategies for improving one's social life, however, and I truly hope this helps some lonely guys out there. Looking forward to contributing more!
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by SonicShyGuy
I'm a shy guy who likes music, likes the finer things in life, and wants to help other people. I have social anxiety, but I won't let it overtake my... more »
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