Parenting Gifted Children

1) Allow each child to follow his own "Internal Compass." Gifted children may excell in a variety of areas, but they are under no obligation to their parents, or to society in general, to develop and pursue their obvious gifts. Instead, they should be encouraged to follow their own passions and convictions. So, it's really cool if Johnny Junior is fully capable of passing the bar by the time he is only thirteen years old, but if he'd rather spend his time working on cars, because he loves hands-on work and mechanics, then guess what--time to give up on the "my son is a lawyer" idea. Let Johnny be Johnny.

2) Sometimes the best way to allow a gifted child to move forward is to get out of his or her way. Parents and teachers should be facilitators to positive goals, not setting up obstacles "in the best interests of the child." If he can read a novel and comprehensively listen to a lecture from his Algebra teacher at the same time, let him.

3) Provide a basic structure of rules and values, but limit those rules to the bare necessities and help them understand the essence of the values so they are equipped to make their own value judgments. For example brushing teeth is not negotiable and neither is saying "please" and "thank you" or being honest. But requiring a child to hang a shirt on a hanger with the buttons facing south, organized according to color, date of purchase, or alphabetically by designer is a bit over the top. (Though, don't be surprised if your gifted child chooses to do this on her own.) Give them as much room as you can (this will change according to their level of maturity) to allow them to think and choose for themselves.

4) Don't overwhelm them with "opportunities," but support them in a healthy balance of activities they would like to pursue. Help them learn to prioritize and to recognize when they have reached their limits. "Okay, Geraldine, I know you love taking violin lessons, dance lessons, playing on the basketball team, and your crusade for homeless hamsters, but could we re-think your schedule? Let's find a way to get eating, sleeping, and breathing back on your list."

5) Don't surround your child with flash cards and educational products simply because they are smart and you want them to get even smarter and grow up to win a full ride scholarship to Harvard. Your child's brains are already capable of great feats of learning. Instead, you may want to begin at a young age to encourage him to overcome challenges and to remove obstacles from his own paths. Teach him not to be afraid to tackle things he isn't naturally good at. Many gifted kids have the brains, but they lack the work ethic, because academic success has come too easy for them. Big, BIG, issue.

6) Some schools have gifted programs. Some don't. Either way, just assume that your child is going to have special needs that can only be met through your advocacy and your pitching in to help, perhaps by volunteering at the school. Involved parents help any child do better at school. Work with the faculty as a team member--don't bulldoze anyone in your quest for excellence, at least not until all else has failed. Be open to considering other educational alternatives, which may include, homeschooling, private school, online correspondence, or even a GED.

7) Allow your child to learn to advocate for his or herself. It's his life and his responsibility. Don't allow your child to believe that a simple lable will earn him opportunities. He must earn those opportunities by action on his part. "Gifted" does not mean "entitled."

8) Learn everything you can about giftedness. Develop an avaricious appetite for knowledge (you probably already have one--just redirect it, if necessary, to literature on giftedness). Gifted children have different needs from those of the typical child. For example: giftedness often means intensity. An intense child will feel things deeply and may express those feelings in ways that some might consider over-dramatic, insincere or emotionally imbalanced. An informed parent will recognize the difference, will believe the child and validate her feelings, and then will help that child learn other healthy ways to cope with or to express those feelings. An informed parent will also go out for dinner with friend or a spouse to get away from the intensity every once in a while.

9) Gifted children are asynchronous. Their development patterns are out of step with the norm. They may be advanced intellectually, but may actually be behind (or ahead) emotionally, socially, or physically. Because of this, they will have different needs according to the situation they are in. A third-grader may require eighth-grade math instruction, but eight-year-old peers. Or maybe adult peers. Each child is asynchronous in his or her own way. Also, just because a child is intellectualy gifted in one academic area, it doesn't mean that those same advanced skills will apply across the academic board. Many gifted children also deal with learning disabilities.

10) Remember that as a parent, your child is your first priority. In some ways,you must remove your needs and your feelings from the picture so that you can more objectively understand your child's needs and feelings. If you are angry, embarrassed, hurt,or proud, those feelings can get in the way of you making the best decisions as a parent.

And a bonus or two:

11) When all else fails--or better yet, before all else fails--love your kids for who they are, not what they can do. Love them in spite of their choices, not because of their choices.

12) Laugh together--a lot!

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STRAWBERRY CANDY
This is an old recipe that I remember from my childhood. Delicious and easy!

2 3 oz. packages strawberry flavored gelatin
1 cup ground pecans or walnuts
1 cup shredded coconut
3/4 cup sweetened condensed milk
1/2 tsp. vanilla
slivered almonds
red sugar crystals
green food coloring

Combine first five ingredients until well mixed. Refrigerate for one hour. Shape into strawberries and roll in red crystals. Color slivered almonds with the green food coloring, and insert almonds into strawberry ends for stems. Store in a cool place. Makes about 48.

UPSIDE-DOWN CONSTRUCTION
You've heard of bridge-building activities where you learn about engineering, architecture, and the effect of stress on a structure as weight is placed above and pushes downward, right? Well, now try it with a twist, and see what happens when the weight pulls from below!

Each person or team needs one hanger, one plastic sandwich bag, scissors, and one bag of miscellaneous junk. Examples of potential fabulous junk: paper or styrofoam cups, paper plates, twist ties, rubber bands, paper towels, toilet paper tubes, index cards, popsicle sticks... you get the idea.

Rules: Set a time limit (about fifteen minutes) for each person or team to build a structure downward from the hanger. They can only use the objects given to them in the bag. The bottom of the structure must have the sandwich bag attached to it like a pouch--this is to hold weights. The structures will be judged on both length and strength.

When the time is up, measure each structure and give the team one point for every inch in length. Then add dominoes, one at a time, to the sandwich bag to see how much weight the structure will bear. Give one point for each domino. Combine the two sets of points to determine each team's score.

The team will have to find ways to build strong and durable connections without using the traditional methods, such as tape or string.

BACKWARDS WORLD

I recently talked to someone who gave her kids mirrors and told them they each had to hold their mirror upright in front of them, so that the mirrors reflected the ceiling, and then the kids had to navigate their way around the room by looking at the reflection in the mirror. Sounds like fun--as long as there are no stairs involved!

It got me thinking about some other fun, problem-solving ideas. Give a child a handmirror and challenge her to do simple tasks while only looking in the mirror. Have her tie her shoe, brush her teeth, eat her spaghetti, or write her assignment (might be good for a gifted child who has an assignment she thinks she can pretty much do with her eyes closed). Add a little challenge and a little fun to the simple but necessary everyday tasks!

2002 ForeWord Magazine Book-of-the-Year Gold Award for Humor
2007 TAGT Legacy Award
2008 Teachers' Choice Award
2008 Mom's Choice Award
2008 iParenting Media Award