GIGGLING GRAPES

Besides picking up a bottle of bubbly or bordeaux on the way to your next gourmet gathering, it's probably not a bad to learn a few words to describe how to quench your thirst while hunting for heffalumps or what you're quaffing for pity's sake.

There's nothing worse than being tongue-tied at a social event when asked, "how do you like the wine?"

Be prepared, take your foot out of your mouth, and boldly advance where few have gone before, because the Force of Fermentation is now with you!

Smile and say the following:

"It has just the right balance, not too big a bouquet, a rather fine breed I'd say." (That best breed of bafflegab is definitely worth a red ribbon!)

"I like a clean, crisp wine...thankfully this one's not coarse or chewy." (For those who aren't sure what they're sipping).

"I've never tasted a finer full-bodied, fruity flavor than this foxy wine." (This will amaze hard-to-please heffalump hunters).

"Finer than a dental-floss bikini." (A great punchline!)

Or, if you want to organize your own casual get-together, serve cheese and crackers, explore the wonderful world of wine, and later chomp on a barbecued beast of some sort. Make sure you have two glasses for everyone, jugs of water, spit buckets on hand, and a few tasting stations around.

Provide paper and pen for everyone, and ask everyone to rate the wines in terms of appearance, smell (nose), and taste (palate) -- using either numbers or words. Then, let everyone's imagination run wild, and of course, let the tasting begin.

Remember there are no roles in this giggling grape game; everyone's tastes are unique, as with art.

Put a little pizzazz, penache and puckishness into this entertaining exercise. When it comes to tasting terminology, it's like learning a foreign language with a whole lot of fun and flair thrown in for good measure!

Who knew that a wine could have "fat legs", a "big nose" or a pair of "thick lips", let alone possess an array of aromatic attributes akin to a "wet dog", a "bicycle seat", or a "barnyard bouquet"? And as for the appearance, perhaps it might fit into one of the following "F" categories: "flabby", "foxy", or even "fishy".

For more witty winespeak, please consult Sallys-place.com, a saucy source of wine tasting terms.

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NOTE: For those who need to know more about witty winespeak, please take a peek at the Youtube video on

In the world of "witty white wines", there's oodles to choose from, particularly if you need to match some gorgeous grapes with giggles.

-- Joe Bloe White Wine, (a blend of chardonnay, viognier, and chinin blanc).

-- "Goat Door" (a.k.a. "Chevre Chardonnay"), (a chardonnay from South African Winery, "Goats Do Roam").

-- Vinum Cellars CNW "Chard-No-Way", (a chenin blanc).

-- "Toad Hollow Cacophony Zinfandel", (a California white wine).

-- "Herding Cats White Wine", (a chenin blanc/chardonnay from South Africa).

-- "Devil's Marbles", (a chardonnay/verdelho from Australia).

-- "Screw Kappa Napa Napa Valley Sauvignon Blanc" (from California).

-- Coopers Creek, "Cat's Pee on a Gooseberry Bush" (from New Zealand).

-- "Kissing Bridge Chardonnay" (from Australia).

-- "Nuthouse Argyle Chardonnay" (from Willamette Valley, USA).

-- "Toasted Head Chardonnay" (from California).

-- "Thirsty Lizard Chardonnay" (from Australia).

-- "Toad Hollow Chardonnay" (from Australia).

For those seeking Wal-Mart White Wine in the ever popular the $2-$5 price range, maybe it's time to pick up one of these top-10 brands (if they ever come on the shelves):

10. "Chateau Traileur Parc"

9. "Fishfindel"

8. "Big White Gulp"

7. "What The Heck Is Riesling?"

6. "NASCARbernet"

5. "Chef Boyardeaux"

4. "Macho Muscat"

3. "I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!"

2. "Grape Expectations"

1. "Nasti Spumante"

In a world awash in wines these days, it's nice to know that some vintners keen on capturing a previously underserved unrefined taste market segment comprised of giggling grape enthusiasts (also know by advertisers as the cockamammie cock-and-bull consumer).

Many swirl, sniff and sip souls don't know the difference between schlock and supple spirits.

So, in an effort to acquaint those who've never quaffed a little in the way of light-headed libations, here's a list that's designed to tickle your funnybone and whet your whistle at the same time:

"Kiss This", by Celebrity Cellars that will set you back a hundred green backs, but you'll also get a written Certificate of Authenticity with every bottle you order!

"The Little Penguin" offers a lot of bang for the buck, particularly if you're one very cool critter.

And speaking of crazy characters, why not sample "Elephant on a Tight Rope", a rather fine French wine with an unusual name.

Collectors of wacky wine labels, should probably delve into "Nifty Names for Nectars of the Gods" (over at the Quipping Queen's blog) where there's a smashing list of giggling grape names including: "Glamour Puss Pinot Noir" (from New Zealand), "Arrogant Frog" (from France), "Kissing Bridge Merlot" (from Australia), and "Le Snoot 2002" (from the USA).

When it comes to "Dancing With The Stars", there's no better one than Foxtrot Pinot Noir (from British Columbia, Canada's Okanagan Valley)!

Frankly foxes, what's not to like about wetting one's palate with silky smooth, saisfying rich berry flavours and a hint of oaky spiciness!!

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Image Credit: Wine label design by Michael Halbert of inkart.com.

If you want to see some crazy critters forget about visiting the zoo, sample a giggling grape or two.

Sassy sippers will appreciate the wide choice they now have in wonky wine names to choose from:

Painted Turtle, Baby Duck, and Stickleback White hail from Canada, and you thought all they had was beavers, bears and bugs!

Goats Do Roam In Villages, The Wolftrap, and Leopard's Leap, and Flagstone Fish Hoek all come from South Africa...and the answer is 'no', they don't have "Tiger in A Tank" Tommy.

Bet you don't know where Ted the Red Mule 2004 comes from? Okay ...give up? It's from a wee winery in France called "Cotes du Ventoux".

Okay Smarty Pants, who makes Mad Dogs & Englishmen 2004 - Godello/Chardonnay...hint: the land of brave bullfighters and flemenco fiends, ...Spain!

And if you're looking for some big brawny beasts, why not grab a bottle or two of Leaping Horse , Stag's Leap, Smoking Loon, Fish Eye, Dancing Bull, Leaping Horse, or Paraduxx - Duckhorn...where do you find them ...in fantasy land, California of course!

Not to be outdone by the Land of Disneyfied Ducks, there's one place you'll find a whole range of vines with verve: 5th Leg - Devil's Lair, Bolaroo, Four Emus, Oomoo, Yard Dog Red, Yellow Tail, Possums Willunga Shiraz, and Woop Woop...in the outback beside a billabong under a kookaburra tree naturally!

Whoa...wine in a can, this can't be true?

Forget about fizzy water, finally fermented fruit is now available in compact, convenient, and cost-effective containers (that just might put all those brazen brewskie beverage enthusiasts to shame!)

Choice chug-a-luggers comprising "Generation X and Y" are certainly keen to quaff all manner of ready-to-drink thirst-quenching grapes, hops and spirits, (as long as they're chic, relevant, accessible, and more importantly, single serve).

"Wine in a Can", (available from Barokes Wines), is now one of the bling beverages that's great for the beach, boating, and even the backyard barbecue!

Of course, if you want nothing but the nake truth, then you'll probably want to sample Paris Hilton's wild wine-in-a-can (the bubbly blonde brand).

For the more adventureous types, why not try several limited edition premium hybrid wine grapes -- Chardonnay and Pinot Griogio in three-litre pain cans with faux drips (available from a barn country producer, Paradocx Vineyard in Pennsylvania!

Finally there's a winery that's come out with a daring drink for those with bloated egos, eyes bigger than their heads, and a leadership style akin to Atilla the Hun!

Besides "an SOB of a merlot", John Howard Cellars of Distinction (aka Megalomaniac Wine), offers something different for swelled heads (aka gargantuan grape-lovers).

These vaunted vines comes in a rotund Courvoisier Cognac bottle, but with shoulders broader than the base. Frankly, what else would a megalomaniac drink from... a wine skin ... you've got to be kidding?

Here's a sampling of their brashly-branded big grapes. So fill out the order form quickly before Santa asks if the giftee has been naughty or nice this year.

-- 2006 Eccentric Savagnin - (sold out, and no, they didn't make a mistake in the spelling, so there!)

-- 2006 Contrarian Sauvignon Blanc - (sold out naturally, to all those dared to go against the grain!)

-- 2006 Narcissist Riesling - (sold out, would you believe they had the audacity to buy out the cellar!)

-- 2006 Pink Slip Pinot Noir Rose - (perfect for those got the boot and don't give a hoot; they just want to celebrate with a Pink Slip Party what else!)

-- 2004/2005 Son of a Bitch Pinot Noir - (a politically-incorrect Pinot Noir if ever there was one!)

-- 2004 Vainglorious Merlot Cabernet - (for those who've grown weary of repeating their daily mantra "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?)

-- 2005/2006 Bravado Cabernet Sauvignon - (recommended for Big Cheeses only!)

-- 2006 Coldhearted Cabernet Franc Icewine - (I mean, what else would a puffing adder drink for pity's sake?*!)

-- 2006 Big Mouth Merlot - (for those with magnificent motor-mouths who don't need spin doctors thank you!)

-- 2006 My Way Chardonnay - (for those who don't give a sweet tweet about the "Yellow Brick Road"!)

Remember, you'll never be at a loss for a great big gift when you order a case of these witty wines for your blessed boss or your blowhard buddies.

With an eye to the younger drinking demographic, wine marketers are looking for ways to increase their marketshare among the "millennials", you know the Norma Jean A Young Merlot crowd.

Millenials, (the 75 million North American babies born in the decades between disco and Dubya), are the ones who don't mind dropping a bundle on bodacious bling be it a new Apple iPhone with a custom ring tone, some splashy diamond ear studs, $200 for a pair of denim jeans or $250 for a pair of designer sneakers.

It seems that wine companies are now targeting the twentysomething tipplers, who want light-hearted labels to match their propensity for party-going. By the way, watch out for those sassy-sipping Bad Ass Shiraz types, they'll knock the socks you off your feet if you're not careful!

To meet the new demand, savvy industry specialists like Underdog Wine Merchants are keen on promoting wines that are "a breed apart".

Napa Valley based White Rocket Wine is a new venture aimed exclusively at a younger generation of giggling grape lovers with such premium brands as "Camelot", "Dog House", and "Tin Roof".

In the Land of Mickey Mouse and his Magic Kingdom, what would it be without "Marilyn Merlot", "Elvis the King" and the "Seven Deadly Zins"? For the benefit of surfriders, sun worshippers, and sandcastle builders, here are some quirky things to add to your summer schedule: backyard BBQs with "Barefoot California" wine, "Pink Truck" a real stand out at pink-slip parties, and that blessed beverage affectionately known as "Virgin Vines" for all those who are into celibacy celebrations.

"Sacre Blue" (loosely translated from French meaning 'Holy Crap'), is a leader among wine brands being marketed to millennials. With the help of hip music and viral marketing on MySpace.com, the grapes have nothing in common with a pretentious Bordeax chateau thank you very much!

Over at Vincor, the grapes have literally leapt off the shelf with a brand aimed at young adults called "Naked Grape" -- a big bang for only $10 bucks!

Forget those pimped-up pinot whatevers...there's at least one winery that counts on some cheeky animated grapes to sell the notion of having fun with wine not to mention squeeze out some tidy profits!

And for those who hate bottles, try this cool alternative. Pick up a six pack of fermented fruit in a can, or perhaps a bottle of "Wrong Dongo" (just for laughs), and while you're at it, grab a return airfare to the 'Land of Roos'.

Some say that "Whine, Women and Song" can drive a mand to drink, which is why these quotations from quaffers are so enlightening.

-- What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others." - Diogenes, Greek cynic, 412-323 B.C.

-- "What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?" - W.C. Fields, American juggler, comedian and actor, 1880-1946.

-- "You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label." - Mark Twain, a.k.a. Samuel Langhorne Clemens, American humanist,humorist, satirist, lecturer and writer, 1835-1910.

-- "Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine." - Fran Lebowitz, American writer of sardonic wit.

It's too bad that big bottles of grand grapes get such a bad rap.

How come they're only on display at a liquor store over the holidays, at the entrance to an over-priced restaurant, or perhaps at a half-corked hen-party?

Large bottles or grands formats as they are known in France are coveted by collectors. Why? Because wine in large containers ages more slowly and it has high resale value.

Big bottles, despite their overall girth, have relatively narrow necks which means less oxygen escapes from the wine. And, the higher the liquid mass, the more resistant it is to temperature fluctations. Furthermore, being rare means that these bottles fetch more at auction.

Many of the world's best winereies produce a small quantity of large-format bottles, either for posh patrons or for their own cellars.

Lest you think one-size-fits-all when it comes to "big", you might be wrong. There's the "magnum" (1.5 litres), the "double magnum" (or 3 litres or equivalent to 4 bottles in Bordeaux), the "jebroboam" (which contains 4.5 bottles), the "methuselah" (which contains the equivalent of of 8 bottles), and the grand one of them all...the 34-bottle "sovereign".

The most popular big size bottle today is the five-litre one that has no special name at all. However it might be called a "turkey baster" (because that's how much wine it takes 12 people to wash down a whole stuffed turkey), according to Beppi Crosariol, a delightful decanter and witty wine author.

Big bottles (without screw caps or jug handles) never fail to make an impression, regardless of how much or how little you spend on the giggling grapes inside. This strategy works well especially if you're trying to impress a new date, congratulate the winner of the Formula One race car circuit by pouring the bubbly over his head, not to inviting a photo-hungry politian, royal or celebrity to smash it against the hull of a new ship; (frankly it's an incredible waste of perfectly good froth and fermented fruit).

Of course if you're really into making a good impression on a limited budget, you might want to try the "sumptuous Scrooge selection", a cheerful, uncomplicated Tuscan red 5-litre bottle of Leonardi Chianti 2005 for under a hundred bucks. And for the "last of the big spenders", it might be time to shell out $6,500 for a five-litre bottle of Chateau Mouton Rothschild 2000 to celebrate New Year's Eve! Buy it now, because next year who knows what the greenback may be worth and those suckers may cost you a real fortune!!!