Smart Girls

One shouldn't have to be so careful. Society should be safer. But it isn't, and young women are potentially vulnerable. You must take responsibility for protecting your body from unwanted advances. You must keep your eyes open for the bad guys. Don't expect them to have "CRIMINAL" stamped across their foreheads. Thugs and stalkers can look strikingly similar to the nice guys at first, and even nice guys have normal sexual desires that may manifest in unwelcome ways. Be wary also of your own desires which can control you if you don't control them, leading to all sorts of physical and emotional complications that you can do without. Your first defense is information. Wisdom is the practical application of that information.

Solid ground rules are essential for successful dating. Some people like to get to know a number of people before choosing one special person. Others like to go out exclusively with one person and put their energies into a deeper relationship from the start. My personal opinion is that as long as there is no physical relationship and no misleading communication, you are free to enjoy the company of as many friends as you like.

This casual dating style can't go on forever but is particularly useful for the first few years on the dating scene. First of all, it can give you a broader scope of knowledge about guys in general. Second, it can help you cultivate your communication and interaction skills. Third, it is awfully difficult to have a serious, long-term relationship without plans of marriage. Fourth, it keeps you from exploiting someone by dating him out of your need for security or social acceptance. Fifth, and perhaps most importantly if you are young, you need time to mature. As responsible and intelligent as you may be, from 16-20 years old your adult preferences and values are just beginning to develop. Until these are a little more firm you can't be certain of what you even want for the long haul. Jumping into a serious relationship too early can get hearts broken.

You are worth being treated with dignity!

Expect to be escorted from door to door. None of this honk the horn and you come running business. Expect him to open doors for you. Expect him to offer a supporting arm as you cross the street in high heels. Expect him to assist with your chair at a nice restaurant. Yes, it is old fashioned, but it will instill in him an understanding that he is with someone special. You, in turn, behave graciously.

It may seem fussy to you now, but you will be in many situations in the adult world where these behaviors are expected and a guy who doesn't perform them is considered undignified. OK, that may be an overstatement for your generation, but you can bet your prom shoes that a gentleman will be positively perceived and you will be the envy of many who have settled for less.

(Note: If the guy is obviously good hearted but falling short on manners, he may be able to learn something from you about being with a sophisticated woman. If he doesn't show some improvement by the third date you might want to reconsider going out with him. At best he's a slow learner.)

Dating before you're emotionally ready is like wearing a t-shirt that says "HURT ME" across your chest. You can't rush love. There is so much adventure and exploration apart from dating that can enrich your life and prepare you for the ultimate dating situation. Dating too soon cheats you out of these experiences and sets you up for potential heartache, even danger.

Keep in mind that creeps are on the loose and you don't want to be alone with one of them. For safety's sake, double date or go out in groups until you have gotten to know someone over a period of time. Group dating is safe, fun and allows you to witness how the guy interacts with other people. You can learn bundles of information by just watching.

Your parents warned you against getting in a car with strangers. Let that advice stay with you for a lifetime. That guy you've seen working at the mall the last 15 times you've been there is still a stranger. Recognizing someone is not the same as knowing someone. Make sure your girlfriends understand the difference and aren't vouching for someone they simply recognize. Arrange to meet a new guy at the restaurant, the theater, the library, the school function. You want to become acquainted in public, not alone in a vehicle speeding down the highway to who knows where under the influence of who knows what. He has no need whatsoever of knowing your address before you know what he is about.

When a guy significantly older than you shows romantic interest, don't mistake it for a compliment regardless of your own stellar character and maturity level. Consider him a predator and stay clear. At best he is immature beyond hope and you will have outgrown him in a short while. Date someone reasonably close to your own age. There isn't room on the page for all the reasons this is important.

If you feel so intimidated by a guy that you cannot be genuine when he is around, he is not for you. The only way to assess compatibility is if both of you are being genuine. It is a date, not an audition. You don't want to spend your married life being an actress in your own home. Attractiveness is fine. Make-up is acceptable. Dressing up is nice. But if you prefer the natural look and don't own an iron, don't pretend to be a fashion model when you date. Likewise, if your first thought about going camping is "What about my nails?" then don't act as though you might be interested in a Wilderness Weekend just because the guy who has your current attention is an outdoorsy type.

Molding yourself into your finest potential is your goal. Trying to mold yourself into someone else's idea of "best" in order to snag Mr. Wonderful is disaster coming at you. If you are Shakespeare, symphony and health food but your guy is Green Bay Packers, heavy metal and chili dogs, then think twice. You may find it tempting to feign enjoyment of Monday night football. Concert dates will be problematic. Dinner out means one of you is going to starve. Sure you can be flexible and supportive of one another's interests which will not be exactly matched, but pastimes draw people according to personality traits and strong preferences which are unlikely to change. You need to have something in common besides your attraction for one another.

Keep to this philosophy: "A guy without a plan is a guy without a date". He should be asking you to a specific event to occur in a public place. The less guesswork, the less anxiety. Besides, you have no need at all to be alone with any guy you don't know well.

"Actions speak louder than words." "Talk is cheap." "Put your money where your mouth is." These clichés make an important point: appropriate behavior is what you want. "Sweet nothings" really are nothing unless followed consistently by respectful deeds. A guy may stun you with good looks, fascinate you with intellect, entertain you with wit, and charm you with compliments, but his character determines whether he uses his gifts to bring joy or pain to those around him.

What a guy says and does to you in the moments of non-intimacy will reveal his true feelings about you and your eventual compatibility. Observe his interactions with those around him. Is he respectful toward authority figures? (God is the ultimate authority.) Does he obey the rules when he believes no one is watching? (If he can't be trusted now...) Does he speak fondly of friends and family? (He will one day have opportunities to talk about his wife and children.) Can he keep a secret? (You will share many important secrets and private moments with your spouse.) Does he consider the preferences and opinions of others when making decisions that affect the group? (He will never be more interested in your preferences and opinions than when he is "in love.") Does he enjoy the same kinds of activities that you do? (Being recreational companions will give you something to do when staring longingly at each other gets boring. Oh yes it will.) How does he cope with anger toward his friends? (Conflict resolution skills are essential for any level of marital satisfaction.) Does he like your friends? (Look out!! Red flag if he has low tolerance for the girlfriends!)

Despite the best intentions, husbands and wives have to work much harder at maintaining special behaviors and feelings for one another than boyfriends and girlfriends do. If he treats you special but treats everyone else with disrespect, in time his poor relational skills will creep into a marriage. The way to enjoy young love without becoming a fool in your decision making is to not trust any behavior (yours or his) based only on romantic feelings. Pay attention, be patient, and trust consistent behavior. It speaks truth.