MAXINE - THE MOTHER OF MOCKERY!
Welcome to "Yelling It Like It Is!"...an ode to that great American icon, the inimitable and irreverent Goddess of Gripe & Mother of Mockery, "Maxine"!
Let's face it, "Everybody seems normal until you get to know them" (and "Maxine" is no exception!)
And, this mirthful madam in the merry month of May knows that "Springtime is special, it reminds me of my ex. Especially when I'm pruning out the dead wood."Crotchety Crone's Contents
- MAXINE'S MOUTHFUL OF MIRTH FOR THE MONTH OF JUNE
- MAXINE'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2009!
- MERRY WHATEVER FROM THE MOTHER OF MOCKERY!
- Who Knew 'Maxine's Mouthpiece" Would Win An Award?
- OUR LADY OF LIPPY ON ..."IS LOVE REALLY IN THE AIR?"
- SO WHERE DID MAXINE COME FROM?
- THE MAXINE MUSEUM - Part 1
- MAXINE'S MUSINGS ON LIFE...(AND ALL THAT CRAP IN BETWEEN).
- WHERE THERE'S A WILL THERE'S A WONKY WENCH
- THE MAXINE MUSUEM - Part 2
- LET'S HEAR IT FOR AN AMAZON WITH ATTITUDE!
- THE MAXINE MUSEUM - Part 3
- CRABBY COMEBACK CLUB
- TAKE IT FROM MAXINE - THANKSGIVING IS FOR THE BIRDS!
- BATTY BOOKMARKS FROM ANOTHER ROYAL PAIN IN THE BUTT
- MOXIE MUSINGS FROM MAXINE
- QUEEN(S) OF CRABBY
- MAXINE MEMENTOS
- GRUMPY GODDESS OF GRIPE GUESTBOOK
MAXINE'S MOUTHFUL OF MIRTH FOR THE MONTH OF JUNE
MAXINE'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2009!
1. Start "2009 - The Year of the Ox" off on the right foot. That way, the left one is still free for kicking butt!
2. Don't forget that if each day is a gift, it's time to return Mondays.
3. Do something with that extra room where the junk collects...close the door and pretend it's not there.
4. My soul's tired of chicken soup, this year I'm feeding it nothing but chocolate!
5. Visit the homes of relatives during the holidays, when they're most likely not to be there.
6. Remember - reduce, reuse, recycle doesn't work with burritos.
7. Use more low-fat, artificial butter, especially on the doorknob as salesmen approach.
8. Forget about the early-bird getting the worm, remember, the night-owl gets the tequila!
9. Organize chores into categories: things I won't do now; things I won't do later; and things I'll never do.
10. When all else fails, just repeat these wise words, "My attitude can beat up your attitude!"
MERRY WHATEVER FROM THE MOTHER OF MOCKERY!
Who Knew 'Maxine's Mouthpiece" Would Win An Award?
OUR LADY OF LIPPY ON ..."IS LOVE REALLY IN THE AIR?"
"Our Lady of Lippy", Maxine, knows that every February 14th that crackpot Cupid wreaks havoc in her neighborhood full of feisty "Freedom Fifty-Fivers", (all with their newly-minted divorce decrees in hand).The fact of the matter is that Cupid can't shoot straight. His frigging bows and arrows keep going off course and hitting the damn dogs and cockamammie cats who won't shut up now!
But Maxine is ready for "Big Booty Day". She knows exactly what to serve any limp love birds who drop by unannounced for some Valentine Vittles. Never at a loss for words, she's dishing out the dirt that day with her favorite finger food "Bittersweets"!
"Our Lady of Lippy" knows that love may be in the air one day a year but laugh lines live forever, after all, "Earth is the insane asylum for the universe isn't it?"
SO WHERE DID MAXINE COME FROM?
In a world that adores only beauty, fame, and fortune, and thinks nothing of casting aside the old, obsolete, and opprobrious, it's a pleasure to see how a sassy sexegenarian named "Maxine" can all make us laugh out loud.Hallmark Cards, (a world leader in greeting cards, gift-wrapping and other personal expression products), certainly knew a good thing when they captured the wicked wit of a crazy crone named "Maxine" twenty years ago.
The creative genius behind "Maxine" is Hallmark card artist John M. Wagner, who says he owes his inspiration for this plucky personality to his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother (who paid for his first art lessons). Note: As you can see, he omitted his wife and mother-in-law in his list of credits, (most likely on the grounds that he wishes to live in peace a little longer).
Today mirthful "Maxine" merchandise has hit the jackpot (judging from all the gripe-oriented gift-offerings on Hallmark website).
Crazy crones and closet curmudgeons will certainly find something to chortle about when they receive a few of these mighty fine funky things on their next birthday:
-- "Loafing and Loving It" personalized pieces of attire including a pair of breathtaking "bunny slippers", a "You've Got Glamour" sleep shirt, or a "Surly to Bed, Surly to Rise" night shirt.
-- An "Absolutely Crabulous" blankety-blank bath robe.
-- Maxine's "Bucket of Birthday Wishes" (no doubt compliments of the Dead Flower Society).
-- Maxine's "You Again?" Collectible Cookie Jar (for those who hate the "Cookie Monster" naturally).
-- And, Maxine's "Crabby Zone" Desk Set (for aspiring Amazons with Attitude).
THE MAXINE MUSEUM - Part 1
A tribute to "Maxine" and her creator, John M. Wagner of Hallmark Cards.
I'm ready to listen, are you ready to think?
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.
Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
Well aren't you the most adorable black hole of need.
Don't believe everything you think.
MAXINE'S MUSINGS ON LIFE...(AND ALL THAT CRAP IN BETWEEN).
Never at a loss for words, "Maxine" knows when to let loose with a wicked bit of wisdom that even those wankers will understand!-- "When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you!"
-- "If you're not supposed to stick Q-tips in your ears, what the hell are they for?"
-- "Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive."
-- "Age doesn't make you forgetful. Having way too many stupid things to remember makes you forgetful."
-- "When I meditate, I envision a clear, deep pool...where a nude men's water polo match is in progress."
-- "If they can land a man on the moon, why can't they make a vacuum cleaner that'll suck up empty cans and pizza boxes?"
-- "How do we know global warming isn't just Mother Nature having a hot flash?"
-- "That summer sun is hot, so remember to use sun block before you moon anybody."
-- "There's nothing like a family picnic to destroy your faith in evolution."
-- "If men are from Mars, I say we need to find the bozo who supplied them with spaceships."
-- "My computer made a funny sound the other day. Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before."
-- "When the neighbors play music too loud, I dance naked. Shuts 'em down pretty quick."
-- "Reach for the stars! (It keeps your chest from sagging.)"
-- "It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker."
-- "Life's all about ass: you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or you live with one!!!"
WHERE THERE'S A WILL THERE'S A WONKY WENCH
I, MAXINE, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
-- Glass of wine or a Bloody Mary
-- chocolate
-- Margarita
-- chocolate
-- Martini
-- chocolate
-- Cold Beer
-- chocolate
-- Chicken fried steak
-- chocolate
-- cream gravy
-- chocolate
-- Mexican food
-- chocolate
-- French fries
-- chocolate
-- Pizza
-- chocolate
-- ice cream
-- chocolate
-- cup of gin
-- chocolate
-- Sex
-- chocolate
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
THE MAXINE MUSUEM - Part 2
I'm busy now, can I ignore you some other time???
Would you like some cheese to go with that whine??
You're not yourself today...I notice the improvement immediately!
Don't let your mind wander...it's too small to be let out on its own.
You really are as pretty as a picture...I'd like to hang you.
I'd like to give you a going-away present...first you do your part!
Before you came along were were hungry...now - we're fed up!
Don't make me use UPPERCASE.
I hear you changed your mind at last...what did you do with the diaper?
LET'S HEAR IT FOR AN AMAZON WITH ATTITUDE!
"Maxine" is everyone's favorite "lean, mean griping machine".Voted by the "Sisterhood of Suck-It-Up" as their 'Irritating Idol Of the Year', she never fails to put wimps, wusses, and all manner of wunderkins in their place.
So, let's hear it for an amazing Amazon with attitude (in her own words of course)!
-- "I love my attitude problem!"
-- "I'm not a bitch, I've just been in a very bad mood for the past 40 years!"
-- "That which does not kill me makes me even crabbier."
-- "Don't bug me unless I can claim you as a deduction."
-- "I'm not short-tempered! I can stay mad for days!"
-- "When you're feeling stressed out, I think it helps to make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you."
-- "I baked some anatomically-correct gingerbread men this year. Didn't giv'em brains."
THE MAXINE MUSEUM - Part 3
If you've got something to say raise your hand and place it over your mouth.
Never go to bed angry...stay up and plot your revenge.
I'd like to help you out...which way did you come in?
Life is too short to dance with ugly men.
I don't know what your problem is...but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
Shhh...that's the sound of nobody caring what you think.
There is no vaccine against stupidity!
Have a nice day (someplace else).
CRABBY COMEBACK CLUB
"Maxine" is not your typical feisty fashionista.If she was ever invited to flaunt her stuff, this wisecracking wench would probably bitch and complain as she shuffled belligerently down the runway in her trademark look ...those blessed bunny slippers, the oversized tinted sunglasses, and her classic blue curly hair, accompanied by her sidekick mongrel named "Floyd".
The fact of the matter is that this brutally blunt babe who shoots from her plastic hip or zaps a few zingers when the spirit moves her, has more than 17,000 fans around the world who adore her antics.
More than likely dubbed "The Crabby Comeback Club", these crass cacklepusses and closet curmudgeons, don't give a sweet tweet about whether marvellous "Maxine" skewers the odd sacred cow or two, be it fast-food, feng-shui, or Father Time!
She may be a vintage vixen, (and she'd be the first to admit that "aging is a kick in the crotchety"), but this vexing voice reminds us all that there are more than a few "golden agers" and "senior citizens" who consider themselves "sassy, classy, and still kickin' assy!"
TAKE IT FROM MAXINE - THANKSGIVING IS FOR THE BIRDS!
BATTY BOOKMARKS FROM ANOTHER ROYAL PAIN IN THE BUTT
MOXIE MUSINGS FROM MAXINE
Maxine Yelling It Like It Is: A Fine Whine with the Queen of Attitude
The perfect give for a "Whine and Cheese Party"!
Amazon Price: $9.95 (as of 07/05/2009) 
Maxine Presents The Crabbiest Of Crabby Road: Observations Guaranteed to Help You Learn to (heart) Your Attitude Problem, Too!
Wanna get a grip on grip?...Learn from the Grouch Guru!
Amazon Price: (as of 07/05/2009)
QUEEN(S) OF CRABBY
- AND NOW A FEW WORDS FROM "CRABZILLA"!
- A merry maven with oodles of attitude!
- MORE MIRTH FROM MAXINE
- This Lippy Lady knows what to do with leprechauns, birthday cakes, and way too much time on her hands!
- MENOPAUSE MIRTH MAVEN
- When you need an LOL moment...try this one on for size!
- CRANKY
- This little lens explains everything you need to know about cackling crones and cranky curmudgeons.
MAXINE MEMENTOS
Fetching new data from eBay now... please stand by
GRUMPY GODDESS OF GRIPE GUESTBOOK
And as "Maxine" might say: "Leave your complaints about cranky cronies in someone else's 'pity pot'!"
poutine wrote...
Just look at the Maxine's cartoons again and love them
as much as the first time.
Posted June 01, 2009
Treasures-By-Brenda wrote...
Maxine sure has a great outlook on life! Blessed by Brenda.
Posted May 26, 2009
Lori_Lee-Ray wrote...
I strive each day to be Maxine lol! I have 2 great aunts just like her and they are a blast to be around! Thanks for sharing!
Posted May 14, 2009
StarryEyes wrote...
I LOVE Maxine!! I hope I am just like her when I get up there in years!! LOL! Great Lens!
Posted February 27, 2009
purplelady wrote...
I have always loved Maxine; I have also always wished that I could be more like her.
She doesn't give a damn about what people think, say or do; she personifies "What you see and hear is what you get!" You have done her proud! 5 Maxines, a lensroll and a fave. I may need to add a joke or two of hers into my funniest retirement video showcase.
Posted February 12, 2009
crazedmama wrote...
Just wanted to say great lense about Maxine! She is awesome! .. Glad to have you in my Sarcasm Street group!
Posted January 28, 2009
BusyQueen wrote...
Squiddylicious and I love Maxine, thanks for the lens! 5 ***** and a fav!
Posted December 20, 2008
chefkeem wrote...
How about a hearty SquidAngel Blessing for this li'l old lady, and 5*s to boot? I thought so.
Posted October 24, 2008
danismom97 wrote...
I absolutely LOVE this lens!!!! :) Thank you so much for joining my Opinionated and Proud group! :)
Posted October 03, 2008
daria369 wrote...
People have different ways to cope with life. Maxine's way sure is original - and amusing for the rest of us... :)
5*, faves & Technorati for you and welcome to http://www.squidoo.com/groups/people-behaviour
Posted September 18, 2008
rms wrote...
This great lens is one of today's features at the Giant Squid Community Showcase.
http://www.giantsquidshowcase.com/?p=227
Please stop by and Grab your Badge.
http://www.giantsquidshowcase.com/?page_id=229
Posted September 01, 2008
by quippingqueen
It takes a Royal Pain in the Butt to appreciate the Queen of Attitude!
The Quipping Queen and Empress of Eccentricity
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