Somewhere Near the Beginning

About a year ago, I realized that I had lost myself somewhere along the course of my life. This was a very disturbing realization, as I had always looked at myself as a rather "together" sort of person. But I woke up one morning and realized that my trouble marriage wasn't really getting any better in spite of therapy, I was in more than one codependent relationship, I had no spiritual focus, friends who I thought were my best friends really weren't my friends at all, and I didn't even know what I wanted from life any more. Not a good place.

This realization made me see that I had been focusing on fixing the wrong things. I was trying to fix my relationship with my husband; I was trying to fix the problems in my friendships; I was trying to fix my life. But I wasn't trying to fix myself. It was time for me to take the focus off the things that had gone bad in my life and start working on the things that had gone bad in me.

"Or how can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye." Luke 6:42

Having been raised in a very strong Christian family, I had always felt strongly about spirituality. I have never been a strong supporter of religion, though, even as a child. I found myself questioning throughout my life. I attended different denominations, finding comfort in what my family called a "non-church" Unitarian Church. I've always wanted to talk about God, but not have someone else tell me how to believe. With no Unitarian Church around me and nowhere else I felt comfortable and welcomed in the truest sense, I sort of let my own spiritual upkeep go.

Flash forward to a confused and lost goddess who no longer remembers that she is a part of God. She wants to find her way again.

My search began at the local bookstore. At one point in my life, I had found meditation to be a really powerful force for me. So I started in the music section looking for guided meditations that I thought might be good for me. I found "The Secret Universal Mind Meditation". (Please visit GoddessMari.com/recommends.html for more information on recommended items.) This has been a life-changing meditation for me. I referred to the meditation as "positive brain washing". Yes, brain washing can be a bad thing, but it doesn't have to be. I wash my body every day. Why not take a little time to wash all the crud out of my mind too?

I watched "The Secret". And then, as the continual student that I am, I started reading books and listening to CDs, hearing lectures, and going to discussions. I started reading the bible and devotionals. I started seeking out friends who were willing to spend time discussing their ideas and ideals with me without passing judgment. I even ended a few friendships that had taken a bad course and were counter productive to my personal growth. That was the hardest thing for me to do.

The thing is that I began to really see the power of manifestation, of the Law of Attraction, of prayer. I had some very negative friendships that were making me feel bad on any number of levels. There was a friend who was so verbally abusive to her children that I felt nauseous after seeing her. There was a friend who was so verbally abusive to me when upset that I began doubting my own value and self-worth. I realized that as long as I allowed myself to be used, disrespected, or just continued to hang around people that didn't have the same values as I did, I would not be able to put my life and my own mind in order. Back to the "first take the log out of your own eye" thing...how could I help anyone become a better person, find fulfillment in their life, or discover their own self-worth if it was all a struggle for me?

This is where this series begins. With an eternal being, a part of God, a person created from energy and pure thought...who had forgotten who she was and who thought she was only a limited human. Me. This series is my journey -- however crooked, curved, bumpy or beautiful and divine the path might be. Take this journey with me. You don't have to agree with what I say or think. Just remember, you are also an eternal being, a part of God, a person created from energy and pure thought. And remember to work on yourself before you try to work on others. That includes me.

Peace.

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The Goddess Mari is a belly dance instructor, performer and choreographer from the Chicago area. She has been working online for almost 8 years and manages multiple websites. She owns and operates ArticleFocusBlog.com, which is a pay-to-post, high quality article blog.. In this series, she chronicles her own search for a greater existence.
Visit her at ArticleFocusBlog.com or at GoddessMari.com

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