What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?
Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them ?
Just in case they get a hole in one.

If you find your ball in the woods, it is unplayable. If a professional finds his ball in woods, not only is it playable but he can hit it onto the green.

Shots that finish close to the pin are never as close when you get there.

What are the four worst words you could hear during a game of golf?
It's still your turn!

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.