Golf Jokes And Funny Golf Stories

Two couples went on an Algarve Golf holiday together, and one day the two men went out to play a round, while the girls stayed in the villa.

After a while, Bob's wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not returned from the golf game.

As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., her husband finally staggers up the road.

"What happened?" asked the wife. "You should have been back hours ago!"

"Mike had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband.

"Oh, that's terrible," said the wife.

"I know," the husband answered. "All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Mike, hit the ball, drag Mike . . . "

Murphy comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife Fiona asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the games anymore.

Murphy asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"

"Of course I wouldn't," replies Fiona.

"Well," says Murphy, "Neither would Tom O'Brien."

A fellow was getting ready to tee off by himself on the first hole when a tall, stately, grey haired gentleman approached and asked if he could join him.

The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes.

The tall, stately gentleman said, We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?'

The first fellow said he was a pretty good player, and that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we're pretty even so far, so why not?

The stately gentleman played 'straight & true' golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The priest said, 'You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.'

The pro said, 'Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?'

The priest said, 'Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.'

For months the archaeologists had been toiling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from faint traces of a Lost City.

Their excitement mounted as the place's extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards.

It had to be a golf course!

Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of sculptures and paintings of human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters.

The next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club of the Lost City.

It was soon learned that the tribes did have legends of the Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy.

While watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter,a Professor murmured wistfully, "If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for centuries before rediscovery".

The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query.

The elder, surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied.

"Simple", was the translation, "they could not afford the green fees."

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you re-marry?"

After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you re-married," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"

"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want
it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."

"If I died and you re-married, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"

"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to
last a long time, so I guess she would."

"If I died and you re-married, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

One day, a scotsman went playing golf.

After standing a while on the green he asked the boy standing beside him: "You are my caddie for today?"

"Yes," answered the boy.

"You are good in finding lost balls?"

"Oh yes, I find every lost ball!"

"Okay, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!"

Fred was playing off the sixth tee. The fairway of the sixth needed some skill because it ran alongside the road. But Fred sliced the ball badly and it disappeared over the hedge bordering the road.

So he put another ball down and took the penalty.

He was having a beer after the game when the pro joined him in the bar. "Excuse me Fred, but was it you who sliced this ball into the road at the sixth this morning?"

"Yes, but I took the penalty."

"That's as may be. But you might be interested to know that your ball hit and killed a small boy on a tricycle; the tricycle fell in the path of a Police Officer on a motorcycle. He skidded and was thrown through the window of a car, killing the nun at the wheel. The car then swerved into a cement mixer which wasn't too damaged but had to veer slightly and in doing so ran into the local school bus with such an impact that it sent it flying through the window of the shopping centre. At last count from the hospital there are thirteen people dead and seventy-nine people seriously injured."

The golfer turned a deathly shade of white and said, "What can I do?"

"Well, you could try moving your left hand a little bit further down the shaft," the pro advised.

Fred called his friend in tears.

"I can't believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for my golfing partner."

"Get a hold of yourself, man," said his friend. "There are plenty of other women out there."

"Who's talking about her?" said Fred. "He was the only guy that I could ever beat!"

Tommy and Ray were approaching the first tee.

Ray goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball."

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag and says "You can't lose it."

Tommy replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?"

Ray replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound. If you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, Tommy doesn't believe him, but Ray shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.

Tommy says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!"

Ray replies, "I found it."

To Bill's wife, golf was a total mystery. She never could understand why Bill insisted on tiring himself by walking so far every time he played.

One day she went with him to see for herself what the game was about.

For six holes she tramped after him.

It was on the seventh that he landed in the infamous bunker where he floundered about for some time in the sand.

She sat herself down composedly and, as the sand began to fly she happily ventured:

"There, I knew you could just as well play in one place if you made up your mind to!"

A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.

When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.

While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't."

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell sanitary towels."

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

A bum asked a man on the street for $5.

"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No."

"Will you gamble it away?"

Once again the bum replies, "No."

"Will you make bets at the golf course?"

Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf"

Will you go to a dance?

No I don't dance either.

Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble, play golf or dance.

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner.

On the first hole, he sliced into the rough.

His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover !" under his breath.

On the second hole, Father Murphy's ball went straight into a water hazard.

"Hoover!" again a little louder this time.

On the third hole, a miracle occured and Father Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole !

"Praise be to God !"

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER ! ! !"

By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".

"It's the biggest dam I know."

(from THE LAUGHLINE GOLF JOKES INDEX )

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I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than a tree;
A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie.

A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send.

A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed and driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball."

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."

(from THE LAUGHLINE GOLF JOKES INDEX )

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on.

Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

(from THE LAUGHLINE GOLF JOKES INDEX )

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night!"

(from THE LAUGHLINE GOLF JOKES INDEX )

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

(from THE LAUGHLINE GOLF JOKES INDEX )

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no. says the nun. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws" , it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sandtrap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f---ing putt, didn't you?"

(from THE LAUGHLINE GOLF JOKES INDEX )

A foursome was playing the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture.

He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"

That was the last thing he could remember.

(from THE LAUGHLINE GOLF JOKES INDEX )

Mike, an avid golfer, was teeing up for a very difficult shot.

At that moment a funeral procession went by.

Mike stopped, stood still with his hat over his heart, and bowed his head.

His golfing partner looked at him and said, "Mike, that was kind and decent of you to show such respect for the dead."

Mike replied, "Yes, we would have been married twenty-six years come tomorrow."

(from THE LAUGHLINE GOLF JOKES INDEX )

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, Maybe seven times . Just put me down for a five."

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.

He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer,"

The man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, " This isn't going to take all day, is it?