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Relationship Advice that doesn't Suck

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Sure, you want a date. . .

but are you willing to give up part of yourself to get one?  Are you ready to re-make yourself into what society tells you men and/or women are looking for?

You may think you are willing to do what ever it takes to be in a relationship.  Hopefully, for your sake, that's not true.  Good relationships are amazing, but bad ones are hell--and the road to bad relationships starts on the "I'll do anything highway."

The flip side of "chasing a relationship at all costs" is the advice you get from your friends in blistfully happy relationships-- If you stop looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/date that's when one will show up."

That advice may be trite, but it's also true.  So back away from the beauty magazine and your buddies with their advice about getting hot chicks drunk  and come think about the question from a larger perspecitive.

So if I want to be in a relationship, or I don't want to be in a relationship, I should do the same thing?

Yeah, pretty much.

Swingers
by Perkalicious11 | video info

112 ratings | 61,856 views
curated content from YouTube

Now What?

I've got all this free time on my hands

Now that you've decided to stop trying to transform yourself into, well anything other than your true self, you probably have some time on your hands.

This is a good thing.

Use the time to find out about yourself.
  • What really makes you happy?

  • What do you want to change about the world?

  • What you would do with your time if you were the only person who got a vote?

Now go do those things. But be careful. The world isn't always friendly to people blazing their own trail. Ignore the voices that tell you you're wrong or selfish.

For on-line support there is no better resource than StevePavlina.com

In addition, the books below were of great assistance to me as I started on this path, I hope they will be of value to you as well.

Personal Growth books you won't find under "self help"

a new path to becoming your best self

The books below have all impacted my sense of self and who I want to be in the world in ways a traditional self-help book never will. They aren't prescriptive--because they weren't written to fix you. But if you open your mind and heart they may help you see the world from a new perspective.
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I'm half-way through this lens and I've not seen a single piece of actual dating advice

That's true, and it's a fair observation. The reason I've spent so much time talking about personal growth is that lots of people try to fill the holes they notice in themselves with another person--and that won't work no matter how great that person is. If you aren't trying to do that, then go read this great post on the topic by Erin Pavlina:

How to Attract the Relationship of your Dreams

Below please find her summary of the post, but if you read the summary without the post you are really selling yourself short.

1. Decide what you want in a partner
2. When you find someone new measure him or her against your list
3. If he or she doesn't have the top attributes let him or her go, don't waste time.
4. Keep looking, don't settle, until you find what you really want.
5. Then buy him or her some lifesavers. Trust me, this is a very important step. ;)

The next steps

If you've followed the advice above and found your true self, you may have also discovered a life (or momentary) partner along the path. (And discovered that you didn't need it to be complete, but that's another lens.)

You've probably also discovered that finding "the one" is not what you'd thought it would be-- It may be supercalafragalisticexpialladocious but it's not what you expected.

That's ok--just don't be tempted to abandon your personal journey now-- if you found your partner on this path, they are likely here to enhance, not end your journey. But it will take work to find ways to continue your journeys together.

I love you--but you drive me crazy!!

Turns out, it's a journey

Landing a date or even a spouse is not the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow--it's the beginning of an adventure--just ask anyone who's been married (or divorced) for any amount of time. Turns out, like on any good journey there are maps and guidebooks, and some are better than others.

I've started you with some of my favorites, but I hope you will add your own.

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Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values (Nonviolent Communication Guides) by Marshall B. Rosenberg

One of the best ways to ensure a successful journey is to reduce the instances of "friendly fire."This book teaches some great techniques on getting your needs met without harming your partner1 point

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Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships by Diane Vaughan

I know this book is actually about what causes people to break up--but she does a great job of explaining why some people separate and other's don't--an important thing to understand on your own journey0 points

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Getting Together: Building Relationships As We Negotiate by Roger Fisher

All good relationships are going to require some negotiation. If you are trying to broker peace in the middle east or decide who does the dishes, this book can help.0 points

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The Fifth Discipline: The Art & Practice of The Learning Organization by Peter M. Senge

This book is a must-read for anyone interested in how systems(the structure though which groups and complex organizations work)affect outcomes and what you can do to turn things around by looking at (and solving) the underlying problem.0 points

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Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Kerry Patterson

Another "business" communication book that has great tips for communication in relationships as well.0 points

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Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher

Learning to negotiate based on shared interests.0 points

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Heal Your Heart: A Journey to Find Your Soul Mate by Janet Greene

Heal Your Heart takes us on a step by step guided journey to discover the joy of love that is possible with our Buddy Soul Mate. It does not matter where they are on this earth, if we really want this relationship and decide that we have to have it, then we can because our dreams are there to show us what Can come True. In this groundbreaking, practical workbook, Janet shares the unique techniques and methods that she discovered during her own personal journey to heal and find her one true love....0 points

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Heal Your Self: A Journey to Find You by Janet Greene

In Heal Your Self, Janet Greene takes us on a step-by-step guided Journey to rediscover ourselves, and live a life free of fear, self talk, painful emotions & memories, and negative beliefs. Yes it is quite possible to do, we just didn't know that we had the option until now! This workbook is filled with practical exercises, techniques and innovative concepts that have transformed the lives of people around the world. One technique called Greene's Release, shows us how to follow any uncomfortabl...0 points

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Love as a Way of Life: Seven Keys to Transforming Every Aspect of Your Life by Gary Chapman

In his first major work since the publication of his phenomenal bestseller The Five Love Languages, Dr. Chapman delivers a powerful plan for whole-life happiness, with simple yet intensive exercises and wisdom for finding the life you have always wanted. The way in which our individual lives are improved, says Chapman, is through improving each relationship in your life: with your parents your children, your coworkers, and your spouse, and for all human interactions that form the foundations of our...

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More good relationship advice from the internet

cuz it can't all suck

As I run across good information on the internet both for finding good relationships and maintaining them, I'll add them here. If you've got a link to add to the list, please e-mail me or leave the link in the comments.
Deborah Tannen: Men and Women
An interesting article on how the communication styles of men and women can be at odds with each other and what to do about it. I'm generally wary of advice that that starts "Men are like this" or "Women do that"; but this article does a good job of speaking about differences in terms of tendencies and is generally very helpful.
The Top 10 Things You Never Knew You Needed to Know About Relationships
Good starting place for thinking about relationships in a holistic way.
M.K. Gandhi Institute for Nonviolence :: Do's and Don'ts for non violent communication
Easy Primer for non-violent communication
Why aren't you married yet?
Snappy Comebacks to the age old question "Why aren't you married yet?" Not necessarily the most "evolved" responses to the question, but then, sometimes sarcasm is the way to go.
On relationships and mutual happiness-- Way of the Mind
Just because you disagree, doesn't mean one of you is wrong.
Equally Shared Parenting · Half the Work ... All the Fun
Welcome to EquallySharedParenting.com, the cyber home for fathers and mothers who have made (or wish to make) a conscious decision to share equally in the raising of their children, household chores, breadwinning, and time for recreation. This site is the brainchild of Marc and Amy Vachon, consultants in equal parenting and equal parents ourselves.

Your turn--what's your favoriate piece of relationship advice that doesn't suck?

or, just talk about what ever you want (except spam), this is your space.

  • ineedhug Jan 3, 2012 @ 1:24 am | delete
    great article.. i enjoy reading this .. thanks to you ..
  • carina Feb 25, 2011 @ 6:11 am | delete
    Congratulations for your article
  • jaktraks Feb 21, 2011 @ 5:25 pm | delete
    Great selection of books and some solid advice. You've been angel blessed. Oh, and my suggestion for a good relationship is to treat each other with kindness.
  • lizthefair Feb 25, 2011 @ 10:37 am | delete
    Thanks for the blessing--and for sharing your own advice. Kindness in every interaction is a great way to keep from spiraling into questioning a partner's intentions.
  • relationship-rescue- Jan 25, 2011 @ 2:53 am | delete
    Keep talking. When communication ends, so do relationships.
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lizthefair

Maureen Carruthers brings a passion for the performing arts, open source software, social networking, consensus based decision making, and learning or... more »

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