Coping with Grief and Bereavement
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Aspects of grief and bereavement
There will be some point in everyone's life where we will have to deal with this very difficult time and process and any help, advice or guidance we will receive may help to decrease the length of time that this will occur.
Comfort in Grief
Unanswered questions could prolong grief
We all need answers
For many years I have struggled to come to terms with my father's death that took place when I was 16 years of age.
My parents had separated when I was 8 years old and I have never really understood why. When my parents separated very little was explained to me about the reasons behind that decision. I suppose in the back of my mind I was felt I was somehow at fault for this. I remained torn between wanting to be back with my father but also, wanting to remain with the rest of my siblings.
I felt I had no choice. I felt confused, unhappy and alone.
In time, I learnt to understand that as a child and for many years after I held my stepfather and my mother accountable for my father's illness and subsequent death.
Help is needed to deal with grief
What Help is available
There are so many ways that we can help one another and/or ourselves with the process of grief and bereavement. Very often grief follows a particular pattern of emotions that occur over an extended period of time and all of us need help to deal with this process and ensure that we do not get 'stuck' in the process of recovery.
For example, as a child I received:
1. no counseling,
2. no support,
3. no answers to my many questions (in fact I was never asked if I had any, and as a very sensitive, timid child, I felt I couldn't speak up); If I cried, the subject of my father and his death was avoided.
Even now, I'm still confused about the why's and wherefore's.
There are several stages of grief
If you do not experience them all, that is okay and perfectly normal.
Grief Therapy and Counseling
Support
Is your loved one in ICU or terminally ill?
What do you feel?
Before my father died in 1986, he spent a few weeks in ICU (Intensive Care Unit.)
You would think that this period of time would give me time to come to terms with my loved ones subsequent death, but, sometimes it may not be the case.
Even though a death can sometimes be expected, it still doesn't help to lessen the pain or shock that you may feel when it eventually occurs.
How to cope when someone is terrminally ill
Some advice and tips
There is no easy answer to this question. The circumstances surrounding your loved one's ill health, your relationship with each other at the time, other family members etc. will all dictate to you how you deal with the situation.
For me, I can look back at the time when I was 16 and my father was in ICU and say, without a doubt, that I wished things could have been different:
a) I wished that I had made the choice to see him that one last time whilst he was in ICU.
Could I have made a different choice?
At the time, no I don't think I could have but it doesn't prevent me from feeling guilty about it and now suffering the consequences of that guilt.
The guilt of not standing up for my wishes and my rights. The guilt of not saying goodbye to my father. The guilt of not being there for him.
All these feelings can affect how you deal with grief and your loss at a later date.
The best thing you can do is:
a) Do what you feel is best for you at the time. Don't be pressured into doing anything you don't want to do by others.
b) Take the time to say goodbye to your loved one. It will be hard but you will feel less guilt when eventually they pass away.
I hope that this helps you make the right decision for you and your loved ones if you find yourself in this position.
Process of Recovery
'Some get stuck somewhere in the process of recovery and need help. Others are so affected by their bereavement that the grief gets out of hand. In such cases, treatment as well as assistance is needed, counsel as well as care.'
Holding few memories can hinder the Grief Process
One side of the story but you need two
I have very little memories and very few pictures of my father. All the information I have has been told to me by my family as I've very little recollection of the events. But, this has a consequence.
I do not know for sure which is real, which is true. They are facts only from one side of the story. I have nothing to back them up with.
Due to this, I have now been stuck in the grief process with an inability to:
A) understand still why my father was separated from me;
B) why I am unable to move on from his death,
C) why I still wish after all these years that I had chosen to see him for one last time in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit.)
Would this have made any difference to me at all?
Find help for grief from others
How do you cope with grief?
Do you have a good way to handle your grief?
Do you feel you have grieved for far too long?
Have you suffered a loss recently?
Tweet about it here!
How do you cope with your grief?
I say...
What others are saying...
Help ease the pain of grief and bereavement
What you could try
So what things can we use, and do, to help ease the pain of losing our loved ones?
Roadside Memorials - A controversial subject. Either read up about Ghost Bikes or Join in with the Debate: Roadside memorials - Are they a nuisance?
Online Tribute Pages - Publish a tribute/memorial website for your loved one. You can either set up your own website or use one of these services: Gone too Soon, Remember Forever, much loved. - Most of these kinds of services are free but they may give you an option to upgrade to give you access to more features and services.
Graveside - Visit the grave of your loved one regularly. Tend to it as if it was your own garden. Plant flowers, lay flowers, leave notes addressed to them. The process of visiting the grave and tending to it can be very therapeutic.
Writing - Create your own Squidoo Lens!
Talking or Counseling
Remembrance ceremonies
Memories
Photographs
Bereavement Support Groups - Unresolved grief can lead to the need for counseling. Many support groups are set up for specific circumstances e.g. The Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society (SANDS), groups set up for parents bereaved by cot death, Compassionate Friends for parents of older children and CRUSE for widows and widowers.
A Gift of Grace Sympathy
Remembrance
The Grief Process
What exactly will I experience whilst I'm grieving?
Here are some of the stages that you may experience:
A sense of shock and disbelief. You may feel 'numb' and act as if on autopilot. Viewing the body and taking part in the funeral process can help you through this process.
You may feel that you need the person that you have lost I.e you may yearn for them; wish they would call you or visit you. In a way, this is almost like not believing that they have gone. This is more common if the death is sudden or unexpected.
You may feel anger. Why did they leave you? Why did they die? How could they make you suffer!? It's not fair! Why was it them who died and not someone else or why not you?
You may be in denial. You may feel guilty. Why didn't you say sorry? (if you'd had an argument.)
Depression can set in between four and six weeks after the death with bouts of sudden grief as memories are triggered by events. (I feel that I'm stuck within this stage as I suffer from moments of sudden grief when events happen in my life I.e. the death of my partner's father.) One method to help ease this pain is to day dream and think about all the times that you and your loved one spent together.
Acceptance of your loss.
You may, also, feel physical symptoms: Loss of appetite, inability to sleep, depression, fatigue, loss of concentration.
Lensmasters dealing with their own grief
Help and advice
Moving stories of loss and bereavement; methods of dealing with grief.
Advice for Older People Dealing with Grief
Tips and advice
Ways to remember a loved one
Visit places that mean a lot to you where you and your loved one had special memories e.g. a holiday.
Visit the graveside or the place where the ashes were scattered (if possible).
Start a collection of memories from other members of the family and friends. E.g. a scrapbook, photographs, newspaper clippings, letters...
Create an online memorial or set up a Help the Aged Life Fund. Set the fund up in the name of the person who has just died. Any money that you pay into it is used to help older people in the UK and overseas. For more information call the Life Fund Team on 020 7239 7557.
How have you dealt with your grief?
Vote and add your own
Creating an Online Memorial
Rainbow Bridge is an online memorial I created for more...1 point
Personalized Memorials
Sympathy Gifts
Grief and Bereavement Care
Links and resources
- Cruse Bereavement Care
- National charity set up to offer free, confidential help to bereaved people. Cruse produces booklets on coping with grief which you can buy on-line.
- London Bereavement Network
- This website provides information about bereavement services in London.
- The Child Bereavement Charity | Working to help bereaved families
- The Child Bereavement Charity
- Welcome to BereavmentUK
- This site is here to support you no matter where in the world you come from.
- Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement
- Empowering article on coping with loss, grieving, and bereavement. Helps you understand and cope with many forms of loss including suicide.
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purplelady May 1, 2010 @ 12:31 pm | delete
- You have done an excellent job covering a subject that is painful for most and downright debilitating for some. Since I realize that grief can be particularly harmful for older people; I would like to feature your lens on my new lens for Older Americans Month. The older we get; the more loved ones we lose. I would hope that perhaps more people will see this lens and benefit from it.
5 copings, 1 featured lens and much socializing.
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aj2008
Apr 21, 2010 @ 6:09 am | delete
- I grew up in an environment where giref and loss were always swept under the carpet because my mother could not deal with it herself. When I was 16 I was not allowed to go to my Grandmother's funeral because "You will get upset" - of course I would get upset, my Nana had just died!
As a result we are very different with my children. We have pets and inevitably we have had to take them to the vet for their last journey. As the girls have got older we have always involved them in the decision that has to be taken and they have been given as much time as it has been needed to talk it through and then accept what has to happen.
This is not the same as losing a close family member but I am hoping that it will contribute to how we deal with loss and grief when we have to.
This lens is featured in "Lenses of the month: April 2010" at the Emotional Wellbeing Headquarters
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BevsPaper
Jun 19, 2009 @ 12:35 am | delete
- Grief is such a personal journey. We all face it in our own ways. What seems right for one will not work for another. I think we have to trust our inner voice and do the things that feel right for us. I don't think we ever truly get over the loss, we just learn ways cope with it.
My Dad left when I was 6 years old and for years I blamed my Mom because I remembered that last horrible fight. She threw him out. Only after I became a woman did I truly understand why.
I'm hoping that by writing this, you healed in a way. I know it takes a lot out of you but there is a cleansing of sorts when it is completed.
Bless you, Carrie for writing this. It will help more people than you know.
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spirituality
Jun 7, 2009 @ 4:38 am | delete
- Great lens - you've been blessed by a squidoo angel :)
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davidstillwagon
Jun 3, 2009 @ 3:57 pm | delete
- a wonderful lens that deals with a tough subject to even think about let alone write about.
I'll give it a 5.
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by inkserotica
I'm a Freelance Writer and Reviewer, who will try her hand at anything. I have a passion for the paranormal, forensics, true-crime, horror, video games,... more »
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