Aspects of grief and bereavement
There will be some point in everyone's life where we will have to deal with this very difficult time and process and any help, advice or guidance we will receive may help to decrease the length of time that this will occur.
Unanswered questions could prolong the grief process
For many years I have struggled to come to terms with my father's death that took place when I was 16 years of age.
My parents had separated when I was 8 years old and I have never really understood why. When my parents separated very little was explained to me about the reasons behind that decision. I suppose in the back of my mind I was felt I was somehow at fault for this. I remained torn between wanting to be back with my father but also, wanting to remain with the rest of my siblings.
I felt I had no choice.
I felt confused, unhappy and alone.
In time, I learnt to understand that as a child and for many years after I held my stepfather and my mother accountable for my father's illness and subsequent death.
I did not know otherwise.
Comfort in Grief
Help is needed to deal with the grief process
There are so many ways that we can help one another and/or ourselves with the process of grief and bereavement. Very often grief follows a particular pattern of emotions that occur over an extended period of time and all of us need help to deal with this process and ensure that we do not get 'stuck' in the process of recovery.
For example, as a child I received:
1. no counselling,
2. no support,
3. no answers to my many questions (in fact I was never asked if I had any, and as a very sensitive, timid child, I felt I couldn't speak up); If I cried, the subject of my father and his death was avoided.
Even now, I'm still confused about the why's and wherefore's.
I have very little memories and very few pictures of my father. All the information I have has been told to me by my family as I've very little recollection of the events. But, this has a consequence.
I do not know for sure which is real, which is true. They are facts only from one side of the story. I have nothing to back them up with.
Due to this, I have now been stuck in the grief process with an inability to:
A) understand still why my father was separated from me;
B) why I am unable to move on from his death,
C) why I still wish after all these years that I had chosen to see him for one last time in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit.)
Would this have made any difference to me at all?
Find support from others
Do you have a good way to handle your grief?
Do you feel you have grieved for far too long?
Have you suffered a loss recently?
Tweet about it here!
How do you cope with your grief?
I say...
What others are saying...
Grief Therapy and Counseling
Coping with a loved one in ICU or who is terminally ill
Before my father died in 1986, he spent a few weeks in ICU (Intensive Care Unit.)
You would think that this period of time would give me time to come to terms with my loved ones subsequent death, but, sometimes it may not be the case.
Even though a death can sometimes be expected, it still doesn't help to lessen the pain or shock that you may feel when it eventually occurs.
What is the best way to cope with a loved one who is in ICU or is terminally ill?
There is no easy answer to this question. The circumstances surrounding your loved ones ill health, your relationship with each other, time, other family members etc. will all dictate to you how you deal with the matter in hand.
For me, I can look back at the time when I was 16 and my father was in ICU and say, without a doubt, that I wished things could have been different:
a) I wished that I had made the choice to see him that one last time whilst he was in ICU.
Could I have made a different choice?
At the time, no I don't think I could have but it doesn't prevent me from feeling guilty about it and now suffering the consequences of that guilt.
The guilt of not standing up for my wishes and my rights. The guilt of not saying goodbye to my father. The guilt of not being there for him.
All these feelings can affect how you deal with grief and your loss at a later date.
The best thing you can do is:
a) Do what you feel is best for you at the time. Don't be pressured into doing anything you don't want to do by others.
b) Take the time to say goodbye to your loved one. It will be hard but you will feel less guilt when eventually they pass away.
I hope that this helps you make the right decision for you and your loved ones if you find yourself in this position.
My Father's Gravestone
Process of Recovery
'Some get stuck somewhere in the process of recovery and need help. Others are so affected by their bereavement that the grief gets out of hand. In such cases, treatment as well as assistance is needed, counsel as well as care.'
Methods to help ease the pain of grief and bereavement
So what things can we use, and do, to help ease the pain of losing our loved ones?
Roadside Memorials - A controversial subject. Either read up about Ghost Bikes or Join in with the Debate: Roadside memorials - Are they a nuisance?
Online Tribute Pages - Publish a tribute/memorial website for your loved one. You can either set up your own website or use one of these services: Gone too Soon, Remember Forever, much loved. - Most of these kinds of services are free but they may give you an option to upgrade to give you access to more features and services.
Graveside - Visit the grave of your loved one regularly. Tend to it as if it was your own garden. Plant flowers, lay flowers, leave notes addressed to them. The process of visiting the grave and tending to it can be very therapeutic.
Writing - Create your own Squidoo Lens!
Talking or Counseling
Remembrance ceremonies
Memories
Photographs
Bereavement Support Groups - Unresolved grief can lead to the need for counselling. Many support groups are set up for specific circumstances e.g. The Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society (SANDS), groups set up for parents bereaved by cot death, Compassionate Friends for parents of older children and CRUSE for widows and widowers.
There are several stages of grief
For some people, to know what they may experience whilst going through the process of grieving can help them come to terms with their loss.
If you do not experience them all, that is okay and perfectly normal.
The Grief Process
What exactly will I experience whilst I'm grieving?
Here are some of the stages that you may experience:
A sense of shock and disbelief. You may feel 'numb' and act as if on autopilot. Viewing the body and taking part in the funeral process can help you through this process.
You may feel that you need the person that you have lost I.e you may yearn for them; wish they would call you or visit you. In a way, this is almost like not believing that they have gone. This is more common if the death is sudden or unexpected.
You may feel anger. Why did they leave you? Why did they die? How could they make you suffer!? It's not fair! Why was it them who died and not someone else or why not you?
You may be in denial. You may feel guilty. Why didn't you say sorry? (if you'd had an argument.)
Depression can set in between four and six weeks after the death with bouts of sudden grief as memories are triggered by events. (I feel that I'm stuck within this stage as I suffer from moments of sudden grief when events happen in my life I.e. the death of my partner's father.) One method to help ease this pain is to day dream and think about all the times that you and your loved one spent together.
Acceptance of your loss.
You may, also, feel:
physical symptoms: Loss of appetite, inability to sleep, depression, fatigue, loss of concentration.
Advice for Older People
Dealing with Grief
Ways to remember a loved one
Visit places that mean a lot to you where you and your loved one had special memories e.g. a holiday.
Visit the graveside or the place where the ashes were scattered (if possible).
Start a collection of memories from other members of the family and friends. E.g. a scrapbook, photographs, newspaper clippings, letters...
Create an online memorial or set up a Help the Aged Life Fund. Set the fund up in the name of the person who has just died. Any money that you pay into it is used to help older people in the UK and overseas. For more information call the Life Fund Team on 020 7239 7557.
Lensmasters dealing with their own grief
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A Grief Observed - Coping With The loss of My Son
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Why share your grief with the world? This is a question that I have tried to answer myself. Is it appropriate to write about something so personal? Shouldn't these thoughts be kept to yourself, or at least just amongst family and friends? Am I just t...
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The Other Side of Grief
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In this lens I will share some of my personal experiences with my beautiful daughter, Dawn, who was a beautiful soul and some of the ways that her life on this earth brought reflections of peace to all who really knew her.
Grief and Bereavement Care
- Cruse Bereavement Care
- National charity set up to offer free, confidential help to bereaved people. Cruse produces booklets on coping with grief which you can buy on-line.
- London Bereavement Network
- This website provides information about bereavement services in London.
- The Child Bereavement Charity | Working to help bereaved families
- The Child Bereavement Charity
- Welcome to BereavmentUK
- This site is here to support you no matter where in the world you come from.
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Reply
- BevsPaper BevsPaper Jun 19, 2009 @ 12:35 am
- Grief is such a personal journey. We all face it in our own ways. What seems right for one will not work for another. I think we have to trust our inner voice and do the things that feel right for us. I don't think we ever truly get over the loss, we just learn ways cope with it.
My Dad left when I was 6 years old and for years I blamed my Mom because I remembered that last horrible fight. She threw him out. Only after I became a woman did I truly understand why.
I'm hoping that by writing this, you healed in a way. I know it takes a lot out of you but there is a cleansing of sorts when it is completed.
Bless you, Carrie for writing this. It will help more people than you know.
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Reply
- spirituality spirituality Jun 7, 2009 @ 4:38 am
- Great lens - you've been blessed by a squidoo angel :)
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- davidstillwagon davidstillwagon Jun 3, 2009 @ 3:57 pm
- a wonderful lens that deals with a tough subject to even think about let alone write about.
I'll give it a 5.
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- Mickie_G Mickie_G May 31, 2009 @ 7:45 am
- Having lost my little sister when I was 11 and my husband when I was 44, I have grieved. My children who were 16 and 13 when their father died dealt with his passing in much different ways. The oldest went to a grief support group, the youngest rejected the group and private counseling. In fact, I do not think she ever dealt with his death even though I gave her the chances. I believe she is still suffering.
Thanks for the sharing.
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- JaguarJulie JaguarJulie May 20, 2009 @ 2:53 pm
- Great content Carrie -- I might just cosmetically work on the special effects for some of the modules to get them all to match -- the background shaded color. It takes courage to tackle such a sensitive subject. Well done.
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by inkserotica

Living and working in London, UK as a Freelance Writer and Reviewer. I live at home with my partner, Freelance Fine Arts photogr... (more)

















