Coping with Grief and Bereavement

Comfort in Grief, c.1852 Giclee Print

Gallait, Louis
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For many years I have struggled to come to terms with my father's death that took place when I was 16 years of age.

My parents had separated when I was 8 years old and I have never really understood why. When my parents separated very little was explained to me about the reasons behind that decision. I suppose in the back of my mind I was felt I was somehow at fault for this. I remained torn between wanting to be back with my father but also, wanting to remain with the rest of my siblings.

I felt I had no choice. I felt confused, unhappy and alone.

In time, I learnt to understand that as a child and for many years after I held my stepfather and my mother accountable for my father's illness and subsequent death.

There are so many ways that we can help one another and/or ourselves with the process of grief and bereavement. Very often grief follows a particular pattern of emotions that occur over an extended period of time and all of us need help to deal with this process and ensure that we do not get 'stuck' in the process of recovery.

For example, as a child I received:

1. no counseling,
2. no support,
3. no answers to my many questions (in fact I was never asked if I had any, and as a very sensitive, timid child, I felt I couldn't speak up); If I cried, the subject of my father and his death was avoided.

Even now, I'm still confused about the why's and wherefore's.

Before my father died in 1986, he spent a few weeks in ICU (Intensive Care Unit.)

You would think that this period of time would give me time to come to terms with my loved ones subsequent death, but, sometimes it may not be the case.

Even though a death can sometimes be expected, it still doesn't help to lessen the pain or shock that you may feel when it eventually occurs.

There is no easy answer to this question. The circumstances surrounding your loved one's ill health, your relationship with each other at the time, other family members etc. will all dictate to you how you deal with the situation.

For me, I can look back at the time when I was 16 and my father was in ICU and say, without a doubt, that I wished things could have been different:

a) I wished that I had made the choice to see him that one last time whilst he was in ICU.

Could I have made a different choice?

At the time, no I don't think I could have but it doesn't prevent me from feeling guilty about it and now suffering the consequences of that guilt.

The guilt of not standing up for my wishes and my rights. The guilt of not saying goodbye to my father. The guilt of not being there for him.

All these feelings can affect how you deal with grief and your loss at a later date.

The best thing you can do is:

a) Do what you feel is best for you at the time. Don't be pressured into doing anything you don't want to do by others.
b) Take the time to say goodbye to your loved one. It will be hard but you will feel less guilt when eventually they pass away.

I hope that this helps you make the right decision for you and your loved ones if you find yourself in this position.

I have very little memories and very few pictures of my father. All the information I have has been told to me by my family as I've very little recollection of the events. But, this has a consequence.

I do not know for sure which is real, which is true. They are facts only from one side of the story. I have nothing to back them up with.

Due to this, I have now been stuck in the grief process with an inability to:

A) understand still why my father was separated from me;
B) why I am unable to move on from his death,
C) why I still wish after all these years that I had chosen to see him for one last time in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit.)

Would this have made any difference to me at all?

So what things can we use, and do, to help ease the pain of losing our loved ones?

Roadside Memorials - A controversial subject. Either read up about Ghost Bikes or Join in with the Debate: Roadside memorials - Are they a nuisance?

Online Tribute Pages - Publish a tribute/memorial website for your loved one. You can either set up your own website or use one of these services: Gone too Soon, Remember Forever, much loved. - Most of these kinds of services are free but they may give you an option to upgrade to give you access to more features and services.

Graveside - Visit the grave of your loved one regularly. Tend to it as if it was your own garden. Plant flowers, lay flowers, leave notes addressed to them. The process of visiting the grave and tending to it can be very therapeutic.

Writing - Create your own Squidoo Lens!

Talking or Counseling

Remembrance ceremonies

Memories

Photographs

Bereavement Support Groups - Unresolved grief can lead to the need for counseling. Many support groups are set up for specific circumstances e.g. The Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society (SANDS), groups set up for parents bereaved by cot death, Compassionate Friends for parents of older children and CRUSE for widows and widowers.

Here are some of the stages that you may experience:

A sense of shock and disbelief. You may feel 'numb' and act as if on autopilot. Viewing the body and taking part in the funeral process can help you through this process.

You may feel that you need the person that you have lost I.e you may yearn for them; wish they would call you or visit you. In a way, this is almost like not believing that they have gone. This is more common if the death is sudden or unexpected.

You may feel anger. Why did they leave you? Why did they die? How could they make you suffer!? It's not fair! Why was it them who died and not someone else or why not you?

You may be in denial. You may feel guilty. Why didn't you say sorry? (if you'd had an argument.)

Depression can set in between four and six weeks after the death with bouts of sudden grief as memories are triggered by events. (I feel that I'm stuck within this stage as I suffer from moments of sudden grief when events happen in my life I.e. the death of my partner's father.) One method to help ease this pain is to day dream and think about all the times that you and your loved one spent together.

Acceptance of your loss.

You may, also, feel physical symptoms: Loss of appetite, inability to sleep, depression, fatigue, loss of concentration.

Ways to remember a loved one

Visit places that mean a lot to you where you and your loved one had special memories e.g. a holiday.

Visit the graveside or the place where the ashes were scattered (if possible).

Start a collection of memories from other members of the family and friends. E.g. a scrapbook, photographs, newspaper clippings, letters...

Create an online memorial or set up a Help the Aged Life Fund. Set the fund up in the name of the person who has just died. Any money that you pay into it is used to help older people in the UK and overseas. For more information call the Life Fund Team on 020 7239 7557.

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