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Loss, Grief and Bereavement

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A Look at Loss, Grief & Bereavement

 

Loss is the disappearance of something cherished, often the death of a person, loss of a relationship, loss of a job or loss of health. Grief is the entire response--mind, body and spirit--to the loss. Bereavement is the often term used when the loss is due to the death of a loved one.

Although a disorienting, disturbing and distressing process, grief is considered to be a normal response, one that most people can cope with given enough time.

This lens explores the many different types of losses and the normal grief or bereavement response to a loss. Also provided are some helpful strategies for making it through the first few hours and additional resources for more information.

Image Source: Anka Draganski. Grieving. Royalty Free Use.

 

My Professional Opinion on Grief & Loss 

    Ignorance is not bliss.
    Knowledge returns a sense of control
    over seemingly random occurrences
    and makes it easier to cope.

    Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS
I believe that education is one of the best ways to understand the grief response and aid people in incorporating a major loss into their life.

I have spent more than a decade educating people about the normal grief response by teaching, lecturing, writing articles and through the Journey of Hearts website.

Table of Contents for the Loss, Grief & Bereavement Lens 

Background Information on Loss Worth Knowing 

Loss is the disappearance of something cherished, such as a person, possession or property.

Loss is a common experience common experience that can be encountered many times during a lifetime; it does not discriminate for age, race, sex, education, economic status, religion, culture or nationality.

Most people have experienced some type of personal or professional loss at some point in their life as simply as a byproduct of living.

What You should know about Loss is...

Facing a sudden loss can be scary and disorienting. You are suddenly thrust into an unfamiliar territory that is frightening and unsettling.

Knowing that grief is a normal response to a loss and what you can do to make it through the first few days or hours can be very helpful.

Types of Losses 

There are many different types of losses that a person may experience in a lifetime, in addition to those experienced following a death. All of these losses have the potential to result in a grief response.

The types of losses are listed alphabetically.
  1. Loss of Body Function
    Hearing, vision, mental capacities, mobility, communication
  2. Loss of Body Image
    Body part through surgery, accident, change in appearance, aging
  3. Loss of Control
    Natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, social conditions, hospitalization of loved one
  4. Loss of Freedom
    Political, employment, incarceration, stigmatized disease or culture impacting access to health care
  5. Loss of Health
    Medical conditions, illnesses, disability, debilitating or terminal diseases
  6. Loss of Home, Property
    Homelessness, natural or man-made disasters, aging
  7. Loss of Identity
    Marriage, career, new parent, empty nest syndrome, relocation, retirement
  8. Loss of Independence
    Change in living situation e.g. entering nursing home, marriage
  9. Loss of Innocence
    Early sexual experiences, advertising and media influences children to grow up too soon
  10. Loss of Job, Income
    Downsizing, layoffs, retirement, career change
  11. Loss of One's Own Life
    Death, suicide, accident, homicide, murder, war
  12. Loss of Plans, Hopes & Dreams for the Future
    Miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth, adoption, infertility, relationship, job, career
  13. Loss of Relationship
    Death, divorce, pet, breakup, illness, adoption, miscarriage
  14. Loss of Religious Beliefs
    Questioning beliefs, disillusioned with church, organized religion, impact of sexual misconduct scandals
  15. Loss of Role
    Occupation, job, relationship e.g. parent, child, friend
  16. Loss of Safety
    Vulnerable feelings after rape, robbery, betrayal, unanticipated events, crises, traumatic events or disasters
  17. Loss of Sexual Function
    Physical or psychological etiology
  18. Loss of Significant Person
    Death, divorce, illness, relocation, military duty, missing person
  19. Loss of Treasured Object(s)
    Favorite objects, family heirlooms destroyed in fire/flood, theft
  20. Loss that is Unexpected or Unanticipated
    The sudden loss, which is often traumatic, that comes without warning from out of the blue, or the unexpected phone call.

Quote: Feeling Alone in Our Sadness 

    Grief is on one of the great common experiences of human beings,
    an yet sometimes
    We feel so alone in our sadness.

    Martha Withmore Hickman

Alone in Her Grief

Background Information on Grief Worth Knowing 

Grief is a multifaceted, normal reaction to a loss; it is the psychological, behavioral, social and physical reactions to loss.

Grief reactions may be seen in response to physical or tangible losses (e.g., a death or disaster) or in response to symbolic or psychosocial losses (e.g., divorce, losing a job).

What You should know about Grief is...

A grieving person may feel like they are going "crazy" with the physical reactions and intense emotions that is like a roller coaster ride.

Yet the emotional & physical responses are really just normal reactions to an abnormal event.

Normal Physical Response to Grief 

When faced with a major life challenge, a person can experience a wide range of physical and emotional responses. These intense, overwhelming and unbearable responses often come in waves.

The grieving person may feel fine one moment and then depressed, anxious, distressed or angry the next; this causes some people to think that they are "going crazy."

Common Physical Responses
Some of the more common physical responses a loss include:
    Fatigue
    Headache
    Lightheaded
    Dizziness
    Palpitations
    Restlessness
    Crying, sighing
    Trouble sleeping
    Short of breath
    Empty Stomach
    Abdominal pain
    Back pain
    Nausea
    Diarrhea
    Constipation
    Weight change
    Increased appetite
    Decreased appetite
    Chest heaviness
    Throat Tightness
These responses, which can last for days to weeks, are not signs of being "crazy" they are normal reactions to an abnormal event.

Am I going crazy?

Quote: Grief as a Companion 

She was no longer wrestling with the grief,
but could sit down with it
as a lasting companion
and make it a sharer in her thoughts.

George Eliot

Emotional and Behaviorial Responses to Grief 

In addition to experiencing actual physical responses grieving people can also go through confusing, fluctuating and conflicting emotions that range from joy to profound grief or distress. Strong emotions such as sorrow, sadness, fear, anger, terror, aching and guilt are among the very normal, common emotional responses for a person in grief.

Emotional and Behavioral Responses
Some of the more common emotional and behavioral responses include:
    Anger
    Irritability
    Panic
    Anxiety
    Fear
    Guilt
    Numbness
    Denial
    Apathy
    Avoiding
    Relief
    Sadness
    Self Blame
    Disbelief
    Vulnerability
    Longing
    Helplessness
    Loneliness
    Meaninglessness
    Abandonment
    Emotionally labile
    Forgetfulness
    Slowed thinking
    Difficulty concentrating
Many people feel stressed, anxious, nervous and afraid. Finding ways to manage these intense responses is an important part of adjusting to the loss.

Quote: My Favorite Descriptive Quote on Grief 

    Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,
    smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,
    sweeps you up into its darkness,
    where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,
    only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...

    Grief will make a new person out of you,
    if it doesn't kill you in the making.

    Stephanie Ericsson

Grief is a Tidal Wave...

Different Responses to Grief 

People experience and respond to a loss in many different ways. Some downplay the event and repress emotions. Some cope with angry verbal or physical outbursts. Others respond more emotionally by sighing, crying or sobbing. Still others cope physically with bodily complaints, pain and physical responses.

It may help to know that each person's reaction to a loss is unique, even if it is the same event. As a result, different people may experience, react and respond very differently when faced with a loss; this can be particular difficult if you and your spouse or family members have different coping strategies and styles.

Knowing that there are different ways of coping may help you to understand someone else's response to the loss. You can then look for ways that you can cope together and ways that you can cope apart.

Quote: Grief must be carred alone 

    Grief can't be shared.
    Everyone carries it alone,
    his own burden, his own way.

    Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Carrying the Burden of Grief

Reader Feedback on the Grief Response 

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Everyone grieves the same.

spirituality says:

Everyone grieves the same: we all feel loss, sorrow, anger etc. But how that gets expressed does differ. Grief in one of those things that is part of life, because change, illness and death are part of life.

Comfortdoc says:

It is a popular belief that we should be 'over it' within two weeks...or at least this is the time frame given for those lucky enough to have bereavement leave from work.

Everyone grieves differently.

sharon says:

I say grief CAN be shared! you must share it before you began to heal from it. Sharing takes your feeling outside of yourself. It turns it into mourning....Grief carried inside explodes! However your not rewarded for speed....slowly in you own way find a companion to share you thoughts and feelings with.

BostonRob says:

My wife and I lost a baby 3 months ago and it is hard on both of us but I hold it in as she shows it through anger..

Thanks for this important topic

HerbalRemedies says:

I believe that it is hard to say for sure how people grieve because what they are feeling inside and what they show can be two very different things. It's kind of like trying to figure out who has the worst headache, you can only judge by their outward reaction. Not a very accurate tool of measurement.

kab says:

I don't think a job assumes you will be over it in two weeks time when they give you bereavement leave, but they do think that they are paying you to do a job, and after two weeks if you are still laying in bed then perhaps you need to get out into the world and see that there is still life.

HeatherH1979 says:

Everyone grieves differently ! Even I grieve in different ways everytime someone close to me passes away ! For example , when my grandfather passed away 4 years ago I was inconsolable . I didnt have one day in about 3 weeks that I didn't cry several times a day . I was very close to him and he will alays be in my heart . Now , when I had a couple of uncles die I accepted it alot faster then I thought i would , I was close to them as well but feelings were not the same when they passed . My step mother who I was very close to also and had known for a better part of 17 years passed away a year ago , I cried for a few minutes and grieved for a very short time . I just think people have different way of dealing with loss , whether it be a friend , family member , pet ,etc . It really makes me think about how we rank people in our lives by our feelings when they pass .

Tiddledeewinks says:

Everyone is struck by grief, but we express it differently. Some try to stay busy to forget, while others may be angry all the time and still others withdraw and are sad forever seemingly. I'm now in the latter category over the death of my beloved Old English Sheepdog, Tobie. She was my constant companion in my garden. I buried her near my garden, and now find it very difficult to be in the garden without her with me. A part of me died with her,and the aching never goes away. A pet that is a family member is grieved over as any person. I know.

Tiddledeewinks says:

Although grief strikes us all, we show it differently. Some try to do more to forget the pain and keep busy, while others withdraw to be alone and can't ever seem to cope. I am grieving for my beloved companion, my Old English Sheepdog, who died in November. I buried her near my garden where she was my constant companion. It is now extremely difficult for me to garden without her.I made a lens at> squidoo.com/DoAnimalsGoToHeaven and my Myspace name is Tiddledeewinks. A pet that is a family member, can cause the most grief at it's passing. I know.

 
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Articles on the Myths of Grief and Loss 

HFA Grief And Loss - Shattering Eight Myths About Grief
From the Hospice Foundation of America.
Common Myths about Grief
Common Myths about Grief from the Journey of Hearts site.
Myths of Grief
From SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) Mid-Atlantic.
Five Myths About Grief
Doherty Funeral Homes looks at five myths about grief.

Remember the Basics When Coping with Loss 

Healthy Ways to Face A Loss

Following a loss, death or other tragic event it may be difficult to remember to take care for oneself. When facing a loss it is helpful to focus the basics.

This short list provides healthy coping strategies that I recommended to patients and to friends, to keep them moving during the first few days.
  1. Take it one hour at a time, one day at a time, if need be one moment at a time.
  2. Get enough sleep or at least enough rest.
  3. Try and maintain some type of a normal routine.
  4. Remember that regular exercise helps relieve stress and tension.
  5. Eat a balanced diet. Limit high calorie and junk food. Drink plenty of water.
  6. Avoid using alcohol, medications or other drugs in excess or to mask the pain.
  7. Do those things and be with those people who comfort, sustain and recharge you.
  8. Talk to others, especially those who have lived through and survived similar experiences.
  9. Find creative ways-journal, paint, photograph, build, woodwork, quilt, knit, collage or draw-to express intense feelings.
  10. Remember coping skills you have used to survive past losses. Draw upon these inner strengths again.

Your Thoughts on Coping with a Loss 

What have you found to be the most helpful when coping with a loss?

#1

Someone to recognize that I am grieving.

3 points

#2

A listening ear.

3 points

#3

Staying busy.

3 points

#4

Reading books on how to cope.

2 points

#5

Understanding about the grief process.

1 point

#6

Realizing that I'm not going crazy.

Realizing that I'm not going crazy.1 point

#7

Talking to others who've been through the same thing.

1 point

#8

Time off to help cope with the loss.

1 point

Heart Ache Leave vs. Bereavement Leave 

In Japan, workers can take off 'heartache leave' to mend a broken heart. The time off increases as you age.

In the United States, bereavement leave is frequently more limited. I remember two weeks after the September 11, 2001 tragedy, the flags were no longer flying at half mast, an indication that we were supposed to be moving on and getting over it.

Perhaps we should be looking at offering shitsuren kyuka in the United States, or a [paid] holiday you take when you feel too devastated to come to the office.
Japanese firm offers "heartache leave" for staff
TOKYO (Reuters) - Lovelorn staff at a Japanese marketing company can take paid time off after a bad break-up with a partner, with more heartache leave on offer as they get older.
Taking heartache leave: time off work to mend your broken heart
A Japanese marketing company offers time off after a bad breakup.
Heartbreak heaven for staff
An article on Heartbreak leave from The Japan Times Online.
Workers' bereavement benefits often fall short - Careers - MSNBC.com
While some bosses show abundant compassion when employees experience the death of a loved one, many others are left with not enough time off to properly grieve.

More Healthy Coping Strategies 

After making it through the first few days just focusing on the basics, the grieving person may need some helpful suggestions to keep going.

This short list provides additional healthy coping strategies to keep the person moving and doing something beyond first few days following the loss.
    1. Create a Memorial. Depending on the circumstances and the person you may want to create roadside memorial, a home shrine or a bulletin board filled with letters, notes, poems and pictures. You may decide to create a sculpture, a collage or fill a scrapbook with memories.

    2. Help to plan and organize the funeral, memorial service, or celebration of life to honor the person who has died. Planning a service, tending to the details, is something active to do, during a time when people often feel helpless.

    3. Plant a tree or flowers in a garden in memory of the person lost.

    4. Donate--money, time, food, clothing or other needed items--to a favorite charity, homeless shelter, animal shelter or home for abused women.

    5. Donate blood at your local blood center. Donating is another way of doing something active and giving something back.

    6. Write sympathy and condolence notes, letters of encouragement and support to those affected by the loss.

    7. Thank the emergency and hospital personnel, highway patrol, police and firefighters for helping if the loss involved an accident or emergency.

    8. Be kind to others. Make space for the car merging in on the freeway. Don't use your horn unless it is absolutely necessary. Let someone with fewer items go first in the grocery store.

    9. Perform random acts of kindness. This will help to remind one there is tenderness and thoughtfulness in the world. Pay the bridge toll for the person behind you. Smile at the store clerk. Some choose to perform random acts of kindness in memory of the person lost.

    10. Volunteer your services or skills. Offer assistance to someone in need.

    11. Do something that can benefit others. Take a first aid or CPR class.

    12. Remember to tell your loved ones, friends and family how much you care about them often.

Source: Dyer K. 2002. How to Cope with Loss, Grief, Death & Dying - Professionally & Personally. Presentation for California Maritime Academy's Dying: The Final Stage Course.

Breathe, Just Breathe

Breathing as a Helpful Coping Strategy 

Whether is is coping with the loss of a loved one, managing a life changing event or just coping with everyday stressors, remembering to "Breathe, Just Breathe" is a very helpful strategy for the grieving person.

Breathe helps get oxygen flowing to the brain so you can think more clearly, which is important during stressful times.

When we are tense during stressful times, we often forget to breathe. Something simple as focusing on breathing can be very helpful.

More Articles on Breathing as a Coping Strategy 

Several articles
Breathe...Just Breathe: Breathing Techniques to Help Cope with and Reduce Stress
Taking a moment to focus on one's breathing is a simple but effective way of coping with and reducing many of the stresses faced as a part of living.
Breathe, Just Breathe - An Effective Strategy for Daily Coping | Type-A Mom
The lyrics to Anna Nalick's song Breathe have been my new mantra when things start getting difficult. I stop for a moment and remember to Breathe, Just Breathe.
NICU Parent Support Blog: Breathe, Just Breathe - An Effective Strategy for Coping with a Challenge
Breathing can be used as a healthy coping strategy to help in calming the frazzled nerves that NICU Parents may frequently experience.

Music to Comfort Available on Amazon 

Listening to comforting Music is a helpful way of coping with a loss. One of my favorite comforting articles is Steven Halpern.

Transitions

Steven Halpern's music on this CD was written to provide comfort and solace during times of transitions. The music "creates a safe and supportive ambiance, a sacred sonic space for the prayers, meditation and mindfulness that support us and give us hope."

Amazon Price: $16.98 (as of 05/16/2008)

Comfort Zone

Steven Halpern helps people to find a comfort zone with the soothing sounds of nature.

Amazon Price: $16.98 (as of 05/16/2008)

Gifts of the Angels

There is an ethereal out-of-this world quality to this music on this CD. Listening to it there is a sense that of floating out in space and hearing the angels sing. Somehow in Gifts of the Angels Steven Halpern managed to capture the voices of the angels, a comforting thought to many who have lost a loved one.

Amazon Price: $16.98 (as of 05/16/2008)

More about Music Therapy as a Way to Cope with Loss 

More on Coping with Loss with Candles and Blessings 

Create a Candle Lighting Ceremony: Candles Can Help to Focus, Reduce Stress or Remember a Loved One
Lighting a candle is one of the simplest ways to reduce stress, help a person focus or to put together a ritual or ceremony to remember someone who has died.
Blessing: A Wish, A Prayer, A Hope: A Collection of Blessings for Peace, Healing & Comfort
Blessings can be a helpful invocation, a prayer, a wish or a hope. Blessings are frequently used to help in coping when people are facing challenging times.

Candle Lighting Featured Lens to Help in Coping with Loss 

Lenses on Writing Condolence Letters and Condolence Notes 

Writing a condolence note, card or letter is a beneficial way of helping someone else who has experienced a major loss.

More Articles on Writing Condolence Cards, Notes and Letters 

Writing a Condolence Card: How to Write a Sympathy Card or Condolence Note for a Loss Survivor
Handwritten Sympathy Notes and Condolence Cards are a very important of the grieving and healing processes for those who have lost a loved one.
Writing a Condolence Letter: How to Write a Sympathy Letter or Condolence Letter for a Loss
Sending your condolences or sympathies in a letter following a death is a very old tradition that is still very beneficial for the person who has lost a loved one.

More Lenses by Dr. Dyer on Loss and Grief Topics 

How to Cope with Loss and Grief - Healthy Coping Strategies
Helpful information on coping with loss and grief.
Anniversary Reaction - When Remembering Isn't Always a Happy Occasion
Coping with the anniversary of the death of a loved one or other major loss can be difficult for the loved ones left behind.
Holiday Blues - Feeling Sad, Lonely or Depressed During the Holidays?
For some people the holiday season can be a very difficult time time of year. This article offers insights and suggestions for getting through the holidays.
Are You Having a Charlie Brown Christmas?
A look at Charlie Brown, from the perspective that he may be having a blue Christmas. A slightly more upbeat look at the holiday blues.
I'll Be Home for Christmas - A Wish of Hope and Peace for the Holidays
This lens also includes resources for coping with the holidays for those who are apart from loved ones.
Children and Grief
Children and adolescents are not immune to facing loss, death, dying and grief; they encounter loss, will experience a grief response and must learn how to cope.
Caregiver Grief
Grief is important part of the caregiver experience that is often overlooked.

More Grief and Loss Articles from Dr. Dyer 

Loss, Grief and Bereavement articles from Suite 101.
Navigating the Grief Journey: How to Find Your Way During Challenging Times
Learning how to navigate the Journey of Grief and understanding the Grieving process following a major loss can make the grief experience more survivable.
Am I Grieving or Am I Depressed? How to Decide if You Are Experiencing Normal Grief or Depression
Learning how to tell the difference between grief and depression can help greatly in the recovery process of the person experiencing either of these responses.

How Long Will I Grieve? 

A grieving person must recognize that they may never entirely "get over" their grief. Some losses never entirely fade e.g. loss of child, loss of spouse, diagnosis with a terminal illness. Rather in time they learn how to integrate the loss or change into their lives and keep living.

The dual process model is one of the current ways of explaining the grieving process; it is a dynamic struggle between the pain of the death of the loved one (loss-oriented) and recovery (restoration-oriented).

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross may have described the process of grieving (mourning) and how long grief lasts:
    People in mourning have to come to grips with death
    before they can live again.
    Mourning can go on for years and years.
    It doesn't end after a year, that's a false fantasy.
    It usually ends when people realize that they can live again,
    that they can concentrate their energies on their lives as a whole,
    and not on their hurt, and guilt and pain.
Therefore, the grieving process usually ends when people realize that they will survive and begin to focus their energy on living.

The Latest from the Grief, Loss & Transitions Blog 

The Official Blog for Journey of Hearts Website

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More Helpful Info on Loss, Grief and Breavement 

Add your favorite to the list.

#1

Loss, Grief, and Bereavement - National Cancer Institute

Expert-reviewed information summary about grief, b more...0 points

#2

Coping with Grief and Loss: Guide to Grieving and Bereavement

Empowering article on coping with loss, grieving, more...0 points

#3

Grief and Loss, Funeral Arrangements, End of Life - AARP

Information and resources from the AARP on coping more...0 points

#4

Coping With Death, Grief, and Loss Handout

An article on coping with grief and loss after a d more...0 points

#5

Grief Symptoms, Seven Stages and Tips for Coping with the Death of a Loved One on MedicineNet.com

Read about the seven stages of grief (shock, denia more...0 points

#6

FCA: Grief and Loss

A helpful article from the Family Caregiver Allian more...0 points

#7

Grief and Loss -- Beliefnet.com

Grief and Loss resources from Beliefnet.com, a web more...0 points

#8

ACS :: Coping with Grief and Loss

A series of articles on Coping with Grief and Loss more...0 points

#9

Quotes On Sorrow, Happiness and fHear: Anthony de Mello

Wisdom quotes on some very basic issues in life.0 points

#10

Angel Pets Memorials

www.in-memory-of-pets.com %uFFFD www.petloss.com % more...0 points

#11

Angel Pets - Pet Memorials

%u201CWhile he was alive, Tiny, my German Shepard more...0 points

#12

Pet Loss Services, Cremation, Burial, Pet Urns, Pet Memorials ...

Pet loss services including cremation, burial, pet more...0 points

Books on Grief Available on Amazon 

Just a few that I have found to be helpful.

These are just some of the grief, loss and bereavement books that I have in my personal collection.

Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief

Amazon Price: $8.00 (as of 05/16/2008)

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Amazon Price: $8.76 (as of 05/16/2008)

A Time to Grieve: Meditations for Healing After the Death of a Loved One

Amazon Price: $10.46 (as of 05/16/2008)

A Grief Observed

Amazon Price: $8.76 (as of 05/16/2008)

How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies

Amazon Price: $11.56 (as of 05/16/2008)

More Lenses on Loss, Grief and Bereavement 

The Next Place in the Amazon Spotlight 

The Next Place

Amazon Price: $11.53 (as of 05/16/2008)

Beautifully illustrated and written "The Next Place" helps in explaining the concept of death to a child.

The recommended reading ages are 4 - 8, "The Next Place" would still be a beautiful gift for someone of any age who has experienced a significant loss.

Books about Loss on Amazon 

Just a few that I have found to be helpful.

When there Are No Words: Finding Your Way to Cope with Loss and Grief

Amazon Price: $13.46 (as of 05/16/2008)

Getting to the Other Side of Grief: Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse

Amazon Price: $10.19 (as of 05/16/2008)

Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love: Daily Meditations to Help You Through the Grieving Process

Amazon Price: $9.61 (as of 05/16/2008)