Healing From Abuse Headquarters

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Healing From Abuse

This groups exists to support people who have been abused, sexually and/or violently, with their healing process. I hope we can also educate others on the effects and frequency of domestic violence.

It is very important that the lenses in this group refrain from using graffic, sexually explicit, or otherwise offensive language. We need to keep this G-rated so that younger viewers can learn from our mistakes.

While we are most familiar with the scenario of men abusing women and children, please keep in mind that men have been abused, too. Many have never had the opportunity to speak about severe mistreatment from parents or other family members. Let us be kind and supportive to all our members and visitors. You never know who's on the other side of your computer or what they've been through.
Let compassion be your guide.



My Story - Why I Do What I Do 

After I was molested by 7 boys at the age of 13, I swore that I would never let a man hurt me that way. I couldn't understand why women stay with men who beat them. I certainly would never tolerate it. Or so I thought.

There was a wonderful man who thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. He sent me cards or flowers or little gifts for no reason. He called me everyday and told me how wonderful I was. He had me high on a pedestal. The day we got married, all that changed.

I came crashing off my pedestal to become a piece of property.The abuse began slowly. My husband started eroding my self-esteem with degrading comments. He wouldn't let me wear anything attractive. He isolated me from my family and friends. He took all my paychecks. He was insanely jealous of the men at work. And he drank. When he got drunk, it didn't matter what I said or did, I got beat. He threw things and shoved me around, only a little at first. After the first incident, it was several months before the next. Then it became increasingly frequent.

When my husband lost his job, he began drinking very heavily and gambling daily. We lived in Las Vegas. We had saved $20,000 to buy a house, but he gambled that away, and more. The verbal abuse was daily and the physical abuse was 2 or 3 times a week. We had no children, thank God. I went to work with bruises and cuts that make-up just couldn't conceal. My eyes were always red and swollen from crying. Everyone knew what was going on, but no one said a word.Twice, my husband pointed a loaded gun at my face and many more times threatened to kill me. Everything was in his name only, so I had no property, no car, and no money. I was never allowed to have friends, so I didn't know who to turn to. He never let me go anywhere without him. If he wanted to have sex when he came home from the casino, he raped me. If I dared to say no, he beat me first and then raped me. I felt completely helpless, trapped, and alone.

I was very naive when I met my husband, and he made sure I stayed that way. He controlled every aspect of my life. I could not believe that I was in the same position that I had criticized other women for just a few years earlier.A co-worker gave me two books on prayer that I brought home to read, just hoping they would give me the strength to deal with my husband. I thought that maybe if I prayed right and loved him enough, he would change. He snatched the books out of my hands and threw them to the floor. He forbid me to ever read anything about God or prayer.At that moment, something deep within me screamed, "NO!!! Not my soul!" I felt a rush of power, strength, and resolve that was completely foreign to me. All love or concern for my husband died and I became numb to his insults. I couldn't even feel it when he beat me that night.

The next day, I told my husband that I had to go to the gynecologist. That's the only place I knew he would not go with me. I drove downtown and found an attorney's office. The senior partner was just finishing his lunch and agreed to see me. After I told him my story, he wrote up the divorce papers immediately, called a judge, and got me a court date. Back at our aparment complex, I went to the manager and told her what was going on. I asked her to have security keep an eye on our apartment. I knew that there was a very good chance that my husband would kill me. I just hoped he used the gun instead of his hands. My fear was no longer greater than my desire to be free. Dying would certainly set me free, but I prayed that I would survive to leave him.

My husband was sitting at the table drinking when I walked in the door. He asked me what the doctor said. I said, "I didn't go to the doctor." He stood up, enraged,and said, "What?!" He got ready to hit me. I threw the papers on the table and said, "I just filed for divorce." That tough, angry man shrank back down into his chair. He became the most pathetic little boy of a man I had ever seen. The first words out of his mouth were, "What about the house?" He couldn't qualify for the house we were buying without my income. I knew right then that I had made the right decision.

My husband said I could keep the apartment because it was right behind where I worked. He would keep the car. I gave him two months to leave. Later that week, he decided that if I wanted a divorce, I should give up everything. He gave me two weeks to get out, with nothing. I was so upset that I just started walking. There was another apartment complex a few blocks away. They just happened to have an aparment open and with my work history I qualified. I signed the lease. I kept walking and found a car dealership that was selling off older cars. I bought one on the spot. My attorney had told me that first day that I should go to the bank before going home and take out exactly 50% of what was there. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to get started because I had a good job.When I came home in my new car and packed up my clothes and such, my husband was furious. He thought that I would stay with him rather than give everything up. He also didn't think I was capable of managing things on my own.

I moved out that day. My husband never touched me again but he did vandalize my car. Two months later, he called to ask me if I had our tax records. He was being audited by the IRS. I did not help. He had been a dealer in Las Vegas for five years and never claimed any of his tips. That's tax evasion. :) Divine Justice is a beautiful thing!

The road of healing has been long, but I am a happy, confident, capable person now. I have five children and a husband that would never raise a hand to me. I am going to college, starting a business, and writing a book. It's been 17 years since I started my life over.
I have forgiven my ex-husband, and I am no longer angry or afraid.

I hope my story helps someone out there. So many people have suffered some kind of abuse in their lives. It can be difficult to heal the wounds of the past, but it is possible.


Unrelenting Guilt 

A Powerful Tool of Abusers

When I was still with my ex-husband, I always felt guilty. I didn't always know what I was guilty of, but the feeling was always there. Sometimes, I didn't clean well enough, I forgot something, I came home from work a few minutes late, or I didn't make dinner correctly. One night, I was cooking dinner and my husband insisted that I sit down and watch TV with him. The chicken burned and he blamed me. I got a beating for ruining his dinner. Logically, I knew that it was not my fault, but I still felt guilty for it.

After the divorce, I still questioned everything I did. I was a perfectionist because I didn't want to bear the guilt of not doing something correctly. No matter what I did well, I had been conditioned to look at where I failed. The guilt was like a black hole in the center of my being.

This condition had to stop. I was finally free from oppression, but it didn't feel like freedom. I was now keeping myself prisoner in the shameful feelings I developed while married. I couldn't blame him any more. I was doing it to myself, but I did not know how to stop. Forgiving him was easier than forgiving myself.

The key to my healing was knowledge. I learned about the cycle of abuse; particularly how it begins. So many people went through the same thing long before I did and their stories gave me comfort. I learned that I was not an idiot; I was just fooled. Understanding how it happened and how and why it progressed set me free from the guilt. I was not a bad wife in any respect. There was nothing I could have done better or differently to prevent the abuse. My ex-husband was going to abuse his wife no matter who she was or how good a wife she was. It wasn't even my fault for getting involved with him in the first place because there were no signs. He gave no indication of a violent streak until after we were married, and we were engaged for two years. There was no way for me to know what was going to happen, so I did not do anything wrong.

This knowledge is what released me from guilt. It has never returned. It took several more years to heal regret and resentment, but those too are gone now. We can heal from abuse and getting rid of guilt is a big part of it. No one deserves abuse. No one earns it. No one "has it coming."

You are not at fault. You are not to blame. You have nothing to feel guilty for.


Featured Lenses 

featured lens Nancy Richards, Healing from Child Abuse and Family Estrangement Author

If you are recovering from abuse and/or family estrangement this lens provides wonderful resources for building the life you deserve! Whether you are fed up with hearing that you have to forgive, or you are ready to consider forgiveness "Heal and Fo...

featured lens Suggestions for Helping Domestic Violence Victims

Here are some Suggestions to help those you Love and are close to who are going through Domestic Violence.

featured lens

featured lens

featured lens End Domestic Violence

I am A Domestic Violence Survivor. I was able to get out of my situation 12 years ago. I want to Help spread the word about Ending domestic violence and helping Other who are going through it now or have been through it. I have spent many years going...

Repeating Bad Choices 

If Nothing Changes Inside, Nothing Changes Outside

When I left my abusive husband, I was so full of joy. The sense of freedom and victory was something I had never experienced before. I went out with friends. I went to parties. I had my hair done, bought sexy, new clothes, and felt really good about myself. The stress of the end of the marriage helped me lose a lot of weight. Before long, I had a boyfriend.That was the biggest mistake I could have made.

My new love did not have a violent streak in him and was not an alcoholic. We had a lot of fun together. Everything was great, until I let him move in with me. Within a year, he gambled away everything I had. I kicked him out and started over with nothing. My self-esteem was back in the toilet. I started dating someone else who soon invited me to live with him. I accepted out of desperation.

One night, I went to see this guy at work with my girlfriends in tow. After taking each of them home, I arrived back at the apartment 10 minutes after my boyfriend. He threw me down on the bed with my winter coat still on. He had his knees on my legs, pulled my arms up over my head, held my wrists with one hand and covered my mouth and nose with the other. I screamed as loud as I could, but his hand muffled the sound. I couldn't breathe.

I blacked out at the moment I realized that I could not move and could not get air. When I came to, I was standing in the kitchen, my coat on the floor at my feet, with a butcher knife in one hand and a carving knife in the other. It was the thought that I was ready to cut this man to pieces that brought me back to conscious awareness. He was so terrified that he ran away.

For years, I tried to remember how I got away from him with no success. It is still a complete blank. I believe it was the memories and fears of my life with my second husband that saved my life that night. It all came rushing back to me in a split second and every part of my being reacted to get away from my boyfriend. I no longer worry about how I got out from under him. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I know that there is something in me that has the ability to react to a dangerous situation in the blink of an eye to save my life.

All of this could have made me a fearful person, but it hasn't. It has served to make me more confident that I can handle anything. I am more aware of the signs of an abusive person and an addictive person. My instincts tell me loud and clear when I am approaching a dangerous situation, and I trust them. I am stronger, bolder, and more appreciative of my unconscious mind.

What I really needed to do when I left my husband, was to look within and find out why I chose him in the first place. I did that after the last incident. I found the deep rooted beliefs if I wasn't perfect or didn't do things perfectly, I deserved to be punished. I believed that people who love you will hurt you if you disappoint them. I believed that I could never be good enough. These beliefs had to change. Awareness of them was the first step in a long journey of healing.


This is Completely Annonymous, so Tell Your Truth 

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Hard to Let Go 

Even when it's for the Best

(This was written in January, 2008. He moved out in June, 2008.)

Letting go and moving on from something that doesn't work is a good thing, but that doesn't make it easy. Shared time and shared experience create bonds in the heart and mind. Even when we know that moving on is the best thing for all concerned, it can still be hard to say goodbye.

I told my husband that I want a divorce. "Irreconcilable differences" is the best way to describe our situation. We went to counseling. We communicated. We tried to change things (and by "we", I mean "mostly me"). After four years of daily misery out of 5 years of marriage, I am done. I made it clear to my husband in November that I am leaving as soon as he graduates, in April. He didn't like it, but he is wise enough not to try to hold on to someone who doesn't want him. He loves me, but not enough to change anything. I won't go into all the details. If I told you everything, you would ask why I waited so long to leave.

Well, as soon as I told him that my decision about divorce is final, he went out shopping for a girlfriend. He was at least honest with me that he has to have someone to take care of his kids. (My husband had three kids when we met). They met their future mom today and got a ride home with grandma so he can stay with his girlfriend.

We have talked about the next woman. I know a little about her and their plans. I am really OK with it because I don't want to live with him, raise his children for him, or be his servant any more. Right now though, it hurts. I talked to myself while I stripped the sheets off the bed, (our bed), to wash them. "I don't love him. I don't want to live with him. I want this divorce. So, why am I feeling this way?" My heart is heavy and I feel like singing sad songs. The truth is, it hurts.

There, I said it. It hurts to think of my husband with another woman. We have an amazing history together that has created a bond like people who go through tragedy together. We overcame and accomplished a great deal together. Once the battles were over, there was just he and I, relating to each other as a man and a woman. We didn't get along because we are not compatible. Our interests, goals, dreams, and beliefs are very different.

From this relationship, I am moving on to an incredible, fulfilling life. My dreams are in my hand. I have every reason to jump in with both feet, holding nothing back, but my joy and excitement are subdued by a little bit of grief for what is dying. A chapter of my life is ending, probably the most powerful, victorious, transforming chapter of my life. I did love my husband what now seems like so long ago. I guess it's just sad when love dies.

In all honesty, I think I am also a little afraid of being lonely, of meeting jerks, and of falling in love again, and being vulnerable. I like my solitude, but eventually I will want someone to share my life with again. You won't believe what song just started playing%u2026"End of the Road" by Boyz II Men. The chorus has a line, "It's unnatural. You belong to me. I belong to you." I think that's the heart of the matter. We got comfortable with the idea that I belong to him and he belongs to me. That was our status quo. Now, he belongs to someone else. And I belong to no one. That is definitely better for me.


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Getting to the Root 

The Source of Bad Choices

OK. You've gotten out of that abusive situation. You're safe. You're starting a new life. But if you don't want to end up in the same situation again, you've got to make some changes.

You have to look at yourself and find out why you got into that situation in the first place. For me, it was childhood programming. My parents were not physically abusive, but they told me that I deserved every punishment or getting beat up by my brothers. When I was molested at 13, my mother said it was my fault and that I should be ashamed. That went straight to my unconscious mind and stayed there.

I went into adulthood believing at the core of my being that I was a bad person, a faulty person, and a shameful creature. When others mistreated me, I deserved it. My husband began with verbal abuse, awakening all that old programming. He professed his great love me, and then put me down. It was just like my parents. "I love you. You are a bad person." I stayed with that man for two years after the physical abuse began.

When I got out of that situation, I started working on myself in the only way I could at the time. I tried to find God. I desperately needed to know that someone loved me and cared for me without condemning me for my faults and weaknesses. The search for God and for truth is a long and winding road. There were detours and wrong turns, but every step of the journey brought me closer to God and closer to truth.

Now I know that I am a wonderful person, and so are you. We have our imperfections, areas where we need to grow, but we are still wonderful. We have a lot to offer, a lot we want to give to the world. We have gifts, talents, and love to share. There are people in the world who will welcome us into their lives with joy and gratitude. They will not turn on us or try in any way to control or hurt us. How do you find them?

Live the truth of who you really are. Let people see you and get to know you. Let your light shine! The most important thing you can do right now is find out what your false beliefs about yourself are and change them. Look back in your life to see when you started thinking that you deserved pain. Who ever taught you that was wrong. They did not know who you are; a perfect, precious expression of God. You are here in this world for the beautiful thing in you that you have to give. You are of great value. You deserve to be treated as a precious gift. You deserve to be loved and appreciated.

I honor you for your courage to take responsibility for your welfare and change your life. I acknowledge your strength and wisdom. I have faith in your ability to overcome your hardships and transform them into tools for growth. You are an incredible human being and your life is just beginning.

Begin right now to value yourself and know that you are wonderful!

Suggestions from the Field 

Please add your suggestions for healing from the effects of abuse.

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Forgive the Abuser

Personally holding on to the resentment and anger more...2 points

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Forgive Yourself

You didn't do anything to deserve being abused.0 points

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Parent Yourself

Learn to treat yourself with the self-compassion.0 points

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Use Re-Integration

End self-rejection. Love and hold the child/person more...0 points

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Keep a Journal

Getting your feelings out on paper can be very hea more...0 points

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Be Gentle, and Patient

Healing takes time. Acknowledge your progress and more...0 points

Re-Integration ... Learning to Truly, Deeply Love YourSelf 

We hear all the time, "You have to love yourself." How do we do that? Someone once told me that the answer was to look myself in the eye in the mirror and say, "I love you." It didn't work. You can't force love and you can't fake it. Loving yourself does not follow the "fake 'till you make it" philosophy. It has to be real and it has to come from inside.

If there are parts of your life that you are ashamed of or that you have blocked from your mind, you are not loving yourself. Most of my childhood was a complete blank. Much of my life that I could remember, I locked away in a dark closet because I didn't like the way I felt when I remembered it. I thought I was doing the courageous thing, the smart thing, in just moving on. Moving forward with your life is great, but there has to be acceptance and letting go first.

When I realized how much of my life I had rejected, I saw how much of my self I rejected. No wonder I was sad all the time and always felt alone. The person closest to me couldn't bear to look at me. That had to change. I wanted to love and accept myself. I wanted to be happy. I will tell you what worked for me. Maybe it will help you, too.

Re-integration Process
In meditation, I thought of the first time I could remember being really hurt and frightened. I saw the little girl that I was and had compassion for her. I could see how much pain she was in. She was all alone. It was different, looking at the situation as an adult and a witness, instead from the eyes of a child. I hurt for her, not me. I imagined giving her a big hug and saying, "It's alright now. You are safe. You are not alone. I love you." Immediately, I felt such a rush of love and release that it sent shivers up my spine. I did this process with each major incident I could remember and at each stage of my life. The effect was profound.

Loving and comforting the person I was in the past healed the wounds I had carried with me all my life. It was like a ripple, expanding through the years right up to the present, healing everything along the way. The dark cloud gave way to light and I felt suddenly released from years of bondage. That was the moment I began to love myself, truly and deeply.

I am a different person, now. I believe in myself. I am kind to myself and relate better to others. The doormat is gone, replaced by a confident, happy woman. This technique was not easy and certainly not painless, but the rewards are worth the effort. A lifetime of pain and self-rejection does not heal overnight, but if you do this process for a little while, you will benefit from it the rest of your life.

May you truly, deeply love yourself.


New to the Group 

Please visit our newest members and welcome them to the group.

Healthy Boundaries 

For Ourselves, and for Others

I used to spend a lot of energy, physical and mental, trying to do what everyone else wanted. I learned at an early age that you have to keep other people happy so that they will be nice to you, or at least would not be mean. One problem with this practice is that we often have a mistaken idea of what others want. We may do what we think someone wants only to be dismayed by their reaction when it doesn't make them happy. When I used to live this way, I was constantly frustrated.

Another problem I discovered with this practice was that I was always sacrificing what was important to me for the sake of making someone else happy. The other person might be happy with me, but I was miserable. Resentment soon followed.

I know now that I cannot make someone else happy. Happiness is an inside job. We each are responsible for our own. I have also learned that if I sacrifice everything that makes me happy, then I have nothing to contribute to a relationship. It is important to compromise and strive to get along with the people in my life, but I have to honor myself as well.

An essential part of being yourself is setting boundaries. Respect yourself enough to let other people know how to treat you. If you do not establish your boundaries, some people will push inward until they meet resistance. When you let others know what you are comfortable with and what you will not accept, most of the time they respect it. This practice will put an end to feeling as if people are imposing on you or violating your personal space. You also need to say no when you really do not want to do something. Many times, people say yes to something they do not want to do because they feel obligated in some way or do not want to make the other person angry. Then they do what they do not want to do, with resentment. The "Doormat" syndrome is a result of frequently doing what other people want when it is not what you want.

As you set your boundaries, remember to respect the boundaries of others. Allow people to be who and where they are. A great deal of frustration, resentment, and conflict can be avoided by not expecting other people to be and do as you think they should. Most of our expectations of others are unspoken. That means the other person does not really know what we expect of them. How fair is it of us then to demand they live up to our expectations? Each person is living their own life. Each is exactly where they are in their development and understanding. Honor them enough to let them be there. Offering help and guidance is fine, but be careful not to fall into the trap of expecting someone to react they way you want them to. I do not want other people expecting me to be like them so I have no right to do that to them. As I honor myself, I must honor others. There is a great deal less stress and conflict in my relationships since I have put this concept into practice. People appreciate having the freedom to be themselves. I know I do.


Books for Healing from Abuse 

A lot of others have been here. Here are their stories and books for healing.

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Heal & Forgive: Forgiveness in the Face of Abuse by Nancy Richards

Heal & Forgive: Forgiveness in the Face of Abuse by Nancy Richards

Heal and Forgive presents a first-hand description more...1 point

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Heal and Forgive II: The Journey from Abuse and Estrangement to Reconciliation by Nancy Richards

Heal and Forgive II: The Journey from Abuse and Estrangement to Reconciliation by Nancy Richards

Heal and Forgive II The Journey from Abuse and Est more...1 point

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The Courage to Heal Workbook: A Guide for Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Laura Davis

The Courage to Heal Workbook: A Guide for Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Laura Davis

<p align="left">In this groundbrea more...0 points

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Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment and Fear by Claudia Black

Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment and Fear by Claudia Black

In <em>Changing Course</em>, the best- more...0 points

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Freedom from Addiction: The Chopra Center Method for Overcoming Destructive Habits by Deepak Chopra, M.D., David Simon

Freedom from Addiction: The Chopra Center Method for Overcoming Destructive Habits by Deepak Chopra, M.D., David Simon

<p align="center"><strong>If more...0 points

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The Boy Who Was Raised As a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist's Notebook: What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love and Healing by Bruce D. Perry, Maia Szalavitz

The Boy Who Was Raised As a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist's Notebook: What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love and Healing by Bruce D. Perry, Maia Szalavitz

What happens when a young brain is traumatized? Ho more...0 points

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Mindful Recovery: A Spiritual Path to Healing from Addiction by Thomas, Ph.D. Bien, Beverly Bien

Mindful Recovery: A Spiritual Path to Healing from Addiction by Thomas, Ph.D. Bien, Beverly Bien

"This wise book provides practical exercises more...0 points

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AM I BAD? Recovering From Abuse (New Horizons in Therapy) by Heyward Bruce Ewart III

AM I BAD? Recovering From Abuse (New Horizons in Therapy) by Heyward Bruce Ewart III

Find Your Way to Freedom Today! If you were abused more...0 points

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Finding Sunshine After the Storm: A Workbook for Children Healing from Sexual Abuse by Sharon A. Mcgee, Curtis, Ph.D. Holmes

Finding Sunshine After the Storm: A Workbook for Children Healing from Sexual Abuse by Sharon A. Mcgee, Curtis, Ph.D. Holmes

When a child has experienced sexual abuse, he or s more...0 points

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REPAIR Your Life: A Program for Recovery from Incest & Childhood Sexual Abuse by Marjorie McKinnon

REPAIR Your Life: A Program for Recovery from Incest & Childhood Sexual Abuse by Marjorie McKinnon

R.E.P.A.I.R. is a Six-Stage Program for abuse surv more...0 points

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Silence Broken: Moving from a Loss of Innocence to a World of Healing and Love by Sara O'Meara, Yvonne Fedderson

Silence Broken: Moving from a Loss of Innocence to a World of Healing and Love by Sara O'Meara, Yvonne Fedderson

After witnessing his parents murder his sister, a more...0 points

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Broken Trust: Stories of Pain, Hope, and Healing from Clerical Abuse Survivors and Abusers by Patrick Fleming, Sue Lauber-Fleming, Mark T. Matousek

Broken Trust: Stories of Pain, Hope, and Healing from Clerical Abuse Survivors and Abusers by Patrick Fleming, Sue Lauber-Fleming, Mark T. Matousek

Form Boston to Los Angeles, Catholic sexual abuse more...0 points

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I Will Survive: The African-American Guide to Healing from Sexual Assault and Abuse by Lori S. Robinson

I Will Survive: The African-American Guide to Healing from Sexual Assault and Abuse by Lori S. Robinson

In I Will Survive Lori Robinson has created a valu more...0 points

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Refuge from Abuse: Healing and Hope for Abused Christian Women by Nancy Nason-Clark, Catherine Clark Kroeger

Refuge from Abuse: Healing and Hope for Abused Christian Women by Nancy Nason-Clark, Catherine Clark Kroeger

Nancy-Nason Clark and Catherine Clark Kroeger know more...0 points

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Repair for Kids: A Children's Program for Recovery from Incest and Childhood Sexual Abuse by Marjorie McKinnon

Repair for Kids: A Children's Program for Recovery from Incest and Childhood Sexual Abuse by Marjorie McKinnon

R.E.P.A.I.R is Recognition, Entry, Process, Awaren more...0 points

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Beyond the Lie: Finding Freedom from the Past by Alice Smith

Beyond the Lie: Finding Freedom from the Past by Alice Smith

Brought to the feet of Christ by her own trauma, A more...0 points

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The Obsidian Mirror: Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse by Louise M. Wisechild

The Obsidian Mirror: Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse by Louise M. Wisechild

Affirming and inspiring, The Obsidian Mirror explo more...0 points

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Healing From Violence: Latino Men's Journey to a New Masculinity by Christauria Welland, Neil Ribner

Healing From Violence: Latino Men's Journey to a New Masculinity by Christauria Welland, Neil Ribner

Although it appears that domestic violence occurs more...0 points

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Beneath Wings of an Angel: Healing the Child Within--A Spiritual Healing Journey to Recovery from Domestic Violence by Janice Romney Farnsworth

Beneath Wings of an Angel: Healing the Child Within--A Spiritual Healing Journey to Recovery from Domestic Violence by Janice Romney Farnsworth

Beneath Wings of an Angel takes you deep into the more...0 points

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Wounded Healer: From a Childhood of Abuse to a Ministry of Healing : the Tom Sanford Story by Tom Sanford, Kay D. Rizzo

Wounded Healer: From a Childhood of Abuse to a Ministry of Healing : the Tom Sanford Story by Tom Sanford, Kay D. Rizzo

Tom Sanford's life growing up under the abusive ha more...0 points

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Hope and Healing from Wife Abuse by June Hunt

Hope and Healing from Wife Abuse by June Hunt

Biblically based counseling to help those who are more...0 points

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Women in Shadow and Light: Journeys from Abuse to Healing

Women in Shadow and Light: Journeys from Abuse to Healing

*****Winner of the Independent Publishers' (IPPY) more...0 points

NO MORE VICTIMS!!! 

It just isn't Necessary

Most people feel like a victim at some time in their lives. Everyone has been hurt in one way or another. We can hold on to that hurt, aiming our negative feelings and thoughts at the person who hurt us. That only makes us miserable. Resentment hurts the one who holds it.

No one can make us a victim without our permission. The way we allow others to treat us, the situations we put ourselves in, the people we allow in our lives, and how we regard ourselves can create or permit awful things to happen to us. I am not speaking here of terrorist attacks, random home invasions, rape, or things like this. Those are issues to look at in another way, at another time. Here, I am speaking of personal relationships, work relationships, and friendships. When we act like a doormat, people treat us like a doormat. When we feel worthless, people treat us accordingly. If we hang around mean people, they will be mean to us.

It is up to us as individuals to decide how we want to be treated. We must first value ourselves. It is not possible to overstate the importance of loving yourself. If you don't love yourself, you will not put yourself in loving situations. If you think you are worthless or in some way bad, you will create and allow situations where people treat you as if you are worthless and bad. You simply must learn to love yourself in order to be treated the way you want and deserve to be treated. (I will go into specific details about how to learn to love yourself in the next post.)

Part of putting an end to being a victim is letting go of the things that tie us emotionally to those that have caused us pain. The time for justification, resentment, blame, and regret has passed. We can no longer afford the luxury of refusing to take responsibility for everything in our lives. We must clear ourselves of disempowering attitudes and beliefs. The energy that radiates from us, whether positive or negative, draws to us more of the same. When we indulge in resentment, regret, blame, and anger, we radiate that energy to every one and everything around us, and everyone and everything responds accordingly. We cannot know peace in ourselves, our homes, our relationships, or our communities as long as we hold on to these negative states of mind and heart. We must be what we want to experience. To experience peace, we have to be peace. To experience love, we have to be love. To experience abundance, we have to be abundance. How can you be abundance? By living in a constant state of gratitude. By giving thanks always for all that you have. By believing that all your needs are met and your desires are being fulfilled, and even your healing is taking place right now.
You may not know of a God or Source or Divine Intelligence that has immeasurable love for you, but I do. I know that Love. It resides deep within your own being. It is there and you can find it again. Those protective barriers around your heart have temporarily cut you off from the perfect love within, but it is that love that can melt those barriers away. I had to become willing to be vulnerable; to be completely open. That started with my Recovering from Abuse blog. The more I told my story openly, the more other women responded with compassion and support. More importantly, the more I started getting letters of gratitude because my sharing helped them open up too. The unexpected blessing for me was that the past no longer had the power to control my present. Love was healing me from the inside out, and it will do the same for you, if you let it.
Choose to heal now, and you will almost be knocked over by the rush of Angel's wings as they come to your side to comfort, guid, and support you. They wait only for your call, and your willingness. You have to open to Love to let them help you. Make the choice now that you no longer need to be a victim. Make the conscious choice to live a different way and commit yourself to your healing. You will be amazed at how quickly you can heal when you do this one thing.

May your heart be healed and your joy set free.


Unworthiness Evidenced in our Lives 

Is Life Showing You what You Need to Heal?

Trying times, as many are now experiencing, can bring up old fears even after we've done a lot of work to heal them. This is true especially of financial struggles because we have felt unsupported by love, life, and other people in our past. But this is actually an opportunity for us to make great strides in our personal growth.

The greatest damage done by abuse is the destruction of our self-esteem and self-worth. It makes us feel undeserving of love, or any good in life. Our bruises and bones heal much more quickly and easily than our hearts, spirits, and beliefs. This is why the development of self-love is so important. If we don't love ourselves, we aren't able to feel worthy of what we desire in life. These feelings and beliefs about ourselves are reflected back to us in the way we experience life.

Financial struggles are evidence that we feel undeserving of support and we don't yet trust Life, which is Love moving in the physical world. I've been given the opportunity to experience this personally recently so that I can see what was lingering in my consciousness and change it. My husband would not support me emotionally or spiritually when we were married and neither would he support me financially after we split up. He hasn't paid any child support or spousal maintenance, or even helped with our son. My disability checks got cut off because I go to school, (online). The state took two months to approve my application for food stamps and denied the application for cash assistance because of the financial aid I get for school. My book wasn't selling very well and my business was taking a long time to get going. Sounds like everything was working against me, doesn't it? The truth is that I was working against myself with my own fears.

Fear kept reminding me of all the times and ways that I've failed before or not had enough to survive. Yet, here I am. No matter what has happened in my life, there was always something that worked out. New possibilities and opportunities have always shown up, often in the nic of time. The foreclosure on my house brought up a lot of fear, mostly based on past experience, but this is not the past. I am not who I used to be. In fact, nothing that has ever happened before has any bearing on now. This is a new day, filled with new possibilities.

My level of trust has increased a thousand fold, along with my commitment to live in Love and Joy no matter what is going on around me. Its not a matter of denial or ignoring my responsibilities. All I really have to do to know that I am being supported is look around and what's true in the present moment. My kids and I still have our house. We have an abundance of food and the utilities are all on. We have all our material needs met and are surrounded by love. I still get to do the work that I am so passionate about, both with victims of abuse and with awakening consciousness. School is continuing as well, yet I still have time to enjoy my kids, meditate, and keep in touch with friends. The evidence of the present moment shows me very clearly that we are supported.

One point I will make about finances is paying our debts. This is something that has had a powerful impact on my life. When my husband and I met, we were both heavily in debt. It got worse over the first year or so. Then we made a commitment to pay our debts. We would pick one at a time and pay as much as we could as soon as we could. After two years, most of them were paid in full. That's what made it possible for us to qualify for a house. When we split up, he planned on filing bankruptcy so he stopped paying on everything but the utilities two months before he moved out. I never felt good about that. It was a move in the wrong direction.

When I received my student financial aid, the first thing I did was pay as many bills as I could in full. People told me not to do that, to hold onto the money "just in case." But there is a spiritual principle behind paying our debts. If you don't pay what you can, you are telling the universe that you don't have enough. It will respond by fulfilling that statement. When you pay your debts, you're telling the universe, "I have enough" and it responds by demonstrating to you that you do indeed have enough. In other words, it brings you more support.


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Lensmaster

boshemia wrote...

Honest and open testimonial, such a frightening topic. Thank you. It was truly beautiful to see you sharing in such a way. Inspiring, and scary at the same time.

ReplyPosted January 19, 2009

Lensmaster

BarryKrost wrote...

I think we help heal the soul of the human family when we tell our truth with honesty and with forgiveness. *****

ReplyPosted January 12, 2009

Lensmaster

WhiteOak50 wrote...

I have not visited this group in a while, I love the additions to it. I believe this group is such a strong inspiration for people who are healing. I am so glad it is here. Great Work Jacqueline.

ReplyPosted January 05, 2009

Lensmaster

BethErickson wrote...

Your story is very inspirational. I heard many stories from my clients and helped them survive. I believe there are still many out there suffers from being abused. I will share this group so they will get inspired. :)

ReplyPosted October 09, 2008

Lensmaster

Home-healthcare wrote...

Thank you for creating an inviting lens for the previously abused to gather, share, and reach out to others with help and encouragement - to get out of a bad situation and to recover. Your candor and courage in sharing your intimate story draws people out, touches hearts, and shows again that there is, indeed, light at the end of the tunnel! Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning... It will take a while to digest all that you and other group members have shared, and to contribute more...

ReplyPosted September 28, 2008

 
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by jacquelinestone

This groups exists to support people who have been abused in their healing process. I hope we can also educate others on the effects and frequency of... (more)

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