Growing Up Deaf
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Growing up Deaf
I have a very unusual hearing loss. Most people have the same hearing loss across both ears. I have a high frequency loss in one ear and a low frequency loss in the other ear. In plain english this means I hear only bass sounds in one ear (and not very clearly either) and I can hear most normal speech sounds in the other ear.
I have been deaf (or hard of hearing) since birth. This lens is about what it is like to grow up being deaf (or hard of hearing), and believe me, it was not easy. It is still not easy.
Picture - International Symbol for Deafness - from Wikipedia
My life as a deaf child
I do not conciously remember being told that I was deaf until I was almost 16 years old.My deafness was not discovered and diagnosed until I was 4 years old. But I was a smart kid and I soon figured out that in order to know what people said, I had to look at their lips and tongues. So in kindergarten when the teacher held up a book in circle time, all the kids would look at the book, except me. I would look at the teacher, I had to see her mouth to know what she was saying.
She called my parents and told them that I needed to have a hearing test.
When my parents were told that I did indeed have a hearing loss, they were pleased. They finally had an explanation for why I did things the way I did. Whenever they read me stories at home, they noticed that I never looked at the book but at them instead. They never understood the significance of that.
There is no known biological cause for my hearing loss. I can think of 2 possible reasons for my being deaf. One was the rubella epidemic that was going around the world the year before I was born - although my mother says she did not have rubella. The other possible reason is that I had 2 great aunts who were profoundly deaf and it may have been a family genetic trait.
But its way too late to blame anyone or anything now. I'm here, I'm deaf, so now what.
My parents never mentioned learning sign language. I certainly never learned it, and this was the era of never allowing a deaf child to learn sign language. This was the 1970s and the deaf child MUST be taught how to speak so that they can live productive normal lives in society. That was the thinking. Also we lived in a small town where it is highly unlikely that sign language training was actually available. We would have had to travel to the nearest city (an hours drive away) to get that.
My parents say that they did tell me I was deaf after my diagnosis at age 4. But I never conciously accepted that diagnosis. I can still remember when I was 15, asking them why they never told me I was deaf. "But we did tell you. You knew as soon as we did." They said.
But did they mention it again? Does a 4 year old understand what it means to be deaf? Shouldn't parents tell the child over and over again that they are deaf and here's what we need to do so that the child can function in the world. No. As far as I can remember, my parents made absolutely no mention of it whatsoever. I do remember having speech lessons when I was somewhere around 7, 8 or 9. I hated them. I didn't know why I was having them other than the fact that I "gabbled" too fast. This was of course directly related to being deaf but again I dont remember being told that I was deaf.
Photo Source - Daily Mail UK March 2008 - Helen Keller
What it is like to live with a deaf person
Being deaf at school
I was bullied unmercifully in primary (elementary) and high school. I was called names like weirdo, dumb and stupid - mostly because I would say the wrong thing at the wrong time in the middle of a conversation. Often because I did not hear a word correctly. Extremely embarrassing.So I slowly started isolating myself from my classmates. I only had 2 close girlfriends during primary school, and I didnt see much of them outside of school. By the time I was 9 and 10, I was spending all my lunch breaks in the school library reading. I refused to attend any party.
When I was 12 my parents chose to become missionaries (as mentioned in my Solomon Islands lens) and I can still remember begging my father to not make me go. I did not feel right about going. I wanted to stay in New Zealand. I didn't know why but but I just knew that I did not want to live in a different country. I have explained how I was bullied while I was in the Solomon Islands.
Upon our return to New Zealand, I was 15 and a half, almost 16 and I was dumped into an all girls high school - something I had no previous experience of. I continued to spend all my breaks reading rather than socialising. I ended up being slotted in with the "nerds and geeks" group. But I had fun with the nerds and geeks.
I remember my hearing and my heart both being tested. And this is where I remember being told (for the first time that I conciously remember) that I was deaf. I did also attend some lip reading (aka speech reading) classes, But I still did not learn any sign language.
American Pledge of Allegiance in ASL
Image source - ASL - Pledge of Allegiance
Being Deaf as an Adult
After I left high school, I drifted, I attended several different tertiary institutions, starting various different courses of study but never finishing them and always dropping out. I finally left home when I was 22 and moved to the very large city where my older sister was living. I spent the next 14 years in various jobs. Two of these jobs were both 5 years each which put some stability on my resume. But in between them was one year of being unemployed.During this time, I also forgot that I was deaf. I still made awkward interjections and interruptions into conversations. I still didnt socialise. I was still preferred reading and I still hated parties and social gatherings. I had lived in various flats and sometimes on my own.
When I was living with others, I was usually asked to leave for one reason or another. Some reasons included my being rude, my being lazy and my being anti-social. By rude they meant I must be choosing to ignore them when they spoke. By being lazy they meant I didnt help with chores (because I didnt hear them ask me to help) and being anti-social meant I avoided parties and would choose to not spend time with them. Instead I preferred to be anti-social, stay in my room and read. My excuse was often different. Most of them would drink and smoke. I dont drink or smoke. And I hate being around drinkers and smokers.
As an adult, I continued to look for any other reason why I was a social misfit and why I was always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time during in conversations. Often it was because people spoke too fast for me to lip read so I missed things.
For several years I even convinced myself that I had Aspergers Syndrome and was even diagnosed as such, by a psychologist. But she was still training and she did not ask the right questions. But the same problems kept happening. Eventually another counsellor explained to me why I did not exhibit the typical signs of Aspergers and therefore all my social and employment difficulties stemmed from my deafness. I was also extremely reluctant to get a hearing aid, as I sensed it would only make me more isolated. But now that I understand why I have difficulty keeping jobs, I am now actively working with The Canadian Hearing Society to get a new hearing aid. .
I am very thankful that my son has perfect hearing. Although he (like most children) chooses to use it selectively.
Picture Source
Marlee Matlin
Every one of us is different in some way, but for those of us who are more different, we have to put more effort into convincing the less different that we can do the same thing they can, just differently.
Adventures with a Hearing Aid
Picture Source - Personal Photo - Copyright Serenia - Photo taken July 5, 2011
Part 1 - May 2011.
I have been going for fittings for a hearing aid, since February 2011 and the timetable keeps changing. Thats because I have very small ear canals and thus my new hearing aid has some very small fiddly bits. I tried it on yesterday (May 13, 2011) and the sound was perfect but the aid itself was slightly too big for my ear. It was not fitting snugly enough so that it wont fall out - it cannot be too big that it will easily fall out.
So the aid is going back to the manufacturer to be made slightly smaller so that it will fit into my ear. When we tried it with the battery in and the aid turned on, the sound was absolutely wonderful. I heard everything so clearly. I even heard the technician when she was talking to me with her back towards me. Usually I never hear anyone in that position.
Part 2 - July 2011.
Today is July 5, 2011 - 2 pm in the afternoon - And I FINALLY have my hearing aid. I spent an hour at the CHS this morning being shown how it works, how to keep it clean, how to replace the batteries and the do's and don'ts of owning a hearing aid.
The original hearing aid - the one I tried back in May - was an "in the ear" aid - designed to more or less fit inside the ear. It was too big for my ear and it was sent back to be made smaller. That apparently just could not be done without losing some of the benefits. So they changed the design and went with a "behind the ear" aid with a new kind of mold that fits in my ear perfectly. The red part is what goes into my ear. The grey part goes behind the ear.
My dispenser was telling me that she has only ever worked with one of these kinds of aids once before - where the mold is NOT the standard type of mold but a different one to fit the ear as that person had a funny ear canal like I do. She showed me how to keep the aid clean, how to clear out the wax that will inevitably build up, how to change the battery, how to control the 3 programs and the volume. The programs I have are the basic - for every day situations, a restaurant - where there is a noisy background, and the telephone.
Whatever, at least this works!!!!
I'm sitting here being inundated with all kinds of sounds that I never really heard before. The sounds from outside the apartment including all the traffic - and yes, there goes the fire engine!!. Please don't tell me to shut the door - we have to keep the door open to keep the place cool. I can also hear the fan whirring, my son sniffing because his sinuses are bothering him, my own typing, etc etc. I wonder what will happen when the TV is turned on??
As long as my son and my husband both get my attention first, I can hear almost everything they say clearly and can answer them immediately, instead of having to ask for them to repeat.
Part 3 - At the Library - July 7, 2011
I wore my hearing aid to the Library today. OMG!! We all know that Libraries are supposed to be quiet, right? Well this one was not quiet. I grabbed some books, sat down at a desk to read, expecting things to be just as quiet as when I dont have a hearing aid, and was astounded to be hearing a LOT of noises.
I was sitting a good 30 feet away from the checkout desk and yet I could heard every DVD being removed from its case, every DVD being clicked and moved against its neighbour as someone looked through them, and every whisper made by those who were talking - even if I could not make out any details. I was hoping to have at least 1 hour of peace and quiet, reading. I was out of there less than half an hour after I sat down. I just could not read with all that noise.
As I walked home, it was quite windy and I could hear the wind in my ear. The sounds of the wind were increased significantly by the aid. I have never heard these sounds in my ear before and it was quite disconcerting.
At home I quickly discovered that having the TV on, while I am wearing the aid, is not conducive to me being able to read or concentrate on whatever I am doing. I am so used to have a modicum of silence for that. So for now I am removing my aid when the TV is on.
I don't know how I am going to get used to all these new sounds.
How to communicate with a deaf person
If you should meet a deaf person who can lipread (or speech read), then you must do the following when communicating with them.The biggest thing is to get their attention first before you start speaking so that you dont have to repeat yourself. Obviously saying their name does not always work. Waving a hand or arm in their field of vision or tapping their arm or shoulder will get their attention.
The second biggest thing is to be facing them so they can see your mouth, your lips and your tongue. Just speak normally, but maybe slightly slower. DO NOT exaggerate your mouth movements and do not yell when speaking. These both make the mouth look and act different from normal speech. It also implies that you are treating the deaf person as a dumb embecile and they are NOT DUMB.
It is much easier to read men who do NOT have moustaches or overgrown beards. My husband does have a goatee beard, and a very small moustache. But he keeps his goatee and moustache trimmed and tidy so I can see his lips clearly.
Most communication with a deaf person should be done in a stationary position - ie not moving and not walking. You don't know how many times my son speaks to me when we are walking outside, and I have to stop, turn him around to face me, and ask him to repeat what he said. My son and my husband do get annoyed about having to repeat themselves, but if they would only remember to get my attention first, then we will communicate much better.
Sometimes if I have extreme trouble understanding a word, I will ask them to either spell the word or write it down.
IF the TV or radio are turned up too loud for you - consider that it usually needs to be up very loud for the hard of hearing person to either hear it or feel the (music) vibrations through the floor. I used to have the TV up loud when I was a teenager. In the last 10 years I have totally stopped watching TV (our TV is an old one that does not have captioning) and I now prefer to watch DVD's and online news clips on the computer.
I do this so that I can either read the subtitles or have the sound turned up loud in my headphones (and not be annoying everyone else in the room). When I have my headphones on, my boys (son and husband) know they must either wave an arm in my peripheral vision or tap my shoulders and arms to get my attention before they speak or they WILL be repeating themselves.
While I personally can use the telephone, I do actually prefer to read. These days when I am given a choice, I opt to receive information by email. Every time the phone rings, I have to mute the TV or I wont hear anything that is being said on the phone. So far I have never needed to use the TTY system. It would probably cost too much now for us to get a TTY telephone.
However I still sometimes have to resort to doing what is shown in the picture above. I did this a lot as a child, and consequently I have one ear that sticks out and one ear that does not.
Picture Source
Sue Thomas F B Eye
Marlee Matlin
In 2009 she published her biography - I'll Scream Later (a comment she made back stage at the 1987 Academy Awards shortly after she won the Oscar for Best Actress).
In this clip, Marlee is talking about being sexually abused as a child - which she wrote about. The interpreter is her longtime friend and business partner Jack. He has been her interpeter since she made Children of a Lesser God.
Being Deaf at Amazon
Your thoughts would be much appreciated.
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samsaradakini
Oct 2, 2011 @ 3:15 am | delete
- I had a deaf friend as a kid who I'd meet at the skating rink. I asked her how she knew how to skate dance with rhythm and she smiled at me as she bent down to the floor and made some drum sounds slapping the floor. She said, "I feel it." ...and I never forgot that.
Reminded me in 1996 when I had a friend online for about a year before it came up in conversation she was totally deaf.
My point is that there are so many opportunities to connect to and with people that deafness need not be - and it made me heartbroken to read - a 'social' handicap toward connecting two people. It's a shame some people like to use it or *any* difference as one. Thanks for your story.
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mrducksmrnot
Sep 19, 2011 @ 12:15 am | delete
- Being almost totally deaf myself I really enjoyed this lens. My deafness come from the Viet-Nam war when a harbor mine exploded while I was diving. I was a Navy Seal. For years after retiring from the Service I read lips as you did. I now have hearing aids and it is SO WONDERFUL to hear just a bird sing again. For the telephone I have special aids with a Phonak which turns my hearing aids into a bluetooth device and I just talk away by pushing the button on my Phonak around my neck. People think I'm talking to myself as I don't have to even take my cell fone out of my pocket. I'm glad to be able to hear again but as your lens tells the story so very well, us hard of hearing folks still have problems even with hearing aids. Thanks so much for helping others understand what our small but important needs are. A true blessing just reading this lens.
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jewelkid87
Aug 16, 2011 @ 12:07 pm | delete
- Great lens - thanks for sharing your story.
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MyAroma
Jul 19, 2011 @ 1:31 pm | delete
- Thank you for sharing your story, it was a very interesting read. I hope things will work out for you!
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julietarot
Jul 19, 2011 @ 1:14 pm | delete
- Wonderful lens. I'm glad you've got your new hearing aid-it was good to see it-and I'm glad you can hear.
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