Who is Haim G. Ginott - Child Psychologist
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The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication
Dr. Ginott's greatest contribution and continuing legacy may be teaching the communication skills that help parents relate to their children in a caring and understanding way without diminishing parental authority. For a time it seemed that experts on child rearing were either advocating setting firm boundaries with your child or parenting with compassion and understanding, but nobody seemed to be able to reconcile the two.
Dr. Ginott changed all of that when he insisted that the two were not mutually exclusive, that you can quite easily give your child compassionate emotional support and firm boundaries at the same time. He believed that you could set firm limits on their behavior, but still respect your child's feelings.
Above all, he believed that children are humans too, and deserve to be treated as such.
Between Parent and Child
Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication
Amazon Price: (as of 06/01/2012)
Raising Humans
All parents face challenges. All parents have situations arise where they are at a total loss for what comes next. All parents experience guilt, frustration, and failures. All parents make mistakes. All parents are human.
We as parents have been given a great responsibility to produce a member of society that makes the world a better place. In order to raise humane children, humane methods must be used. When we judge, belittle, taunt, or physically injure a child, that in turn is how a child learns to treat others.
When we treat our children as humans, we teach them to see others as humans. Humans deserve to be treated with respect, dignity, and compassion. Even when we don't necessarily agree with their position, we can at least seek to understand that position.
When raising children, remember they are human. Handle with care.
Dr. Haim G. Ginott's Basics
* Acknowledge your child's feelings. Don't deny, minimize, or ignore them.
"Don't be a baby" becomes "I can see that made you very angry."
* Emotional Honesty - When you are angry, say so!
No attacks, put-downs, or insults. A simple "It makes me angry when I see such a messy room!"
* Encourage emotional honesty in your children too. Teach them to label emotions properly without insults or put-downs.
"Joey is mean and stupid" becomes "It makes me very sad when Joey hits me."
*Teach them to value the feelings of others.
"Hitting others makes me sad, and it hurts them."
* Focus on the the behavior, not the child.
"You are a liar" becomes "It is unacceptable to lie."
* Discuss the problem, but don't make it personal.
"You spilled your juice, what a mess!" becomes "I see the juice has been spilled."
* Encourage independence, allow them to do things for themselves.
"You need to..." becomes "I know you are capable of solving this problem, what do you think needs to be done?"
* Offer choices to your child, rather than demanding.
"Give me that ball now..." becomes "You may play with the ball outside, or put it away."
* If the undesirable behavior continues after a choice is offered, assume you child has made their choice.
"I see you have made your decision, let's put the ball away for today."
* Leave the past where it belongs. When dealing with behavior stay in the now.
Avoid "always" and "never." "You always make a mess..." becomes "I see a mess."
* Attach rules when needed
"Squirt guns are not inside toys."
* Avoid labeling. It creates expectations in a child's mind that they feel they must live up to.
"She is such an angel" becomes "Thank you for behaving so well today, I appreciate it."
* Conserve energy, seek the simple solution.
Instead of screaming about a mess, quietly hand the child a mop.
* Focus on the behavior we want to see.
Instead of yelling "Stop running in the house," change it to "Inside of the house is for walking only."
The teachings of Dr. Ginott
Labeling a Child
10 Principles Of Parenting
Laminated Poster
Buy at AllPosters.com
The theory behind avoiding positive labels, according to Dr. Ginott, is that labeling a child sets up expectations, and those expectations put a lot of pressure on a child and often leads to negative consequences.
"You are such a pretty girl" tells a child that we always expect them to be pretty, breeding low self-esteem.
We are supposed to say, "That is a very pretty dress you chose to wear today."
Calling little Joey a "perfect little angel" on the other hand can actually encourage misbehavior because the child feels he isn't capable of living up to the expectations a parent has set before him.
We are supposed to say, "Thank you very much for behaving so well in the doctor's office today."
So is there really something wrong with complimenting a child directly?
I can see where it could be a problem...
Mary says:
As complimenting is defined here it is a generic label. If a compliment is commenting on a specific situation that occurred and how you felt about it, then that is useful to anyone who hears it. Rather than pigeon-holing, it gives someone a clear understanding of what they did that was good and may generate interest in doing it more often.
tandemonimom says:
While of course occasional praise is fine, too much (or the wrong kind) can become a problem in a couple of ways. Either they invest their self-worth in the wrong places (such as looks or grades) or they invest their efforts in order to get more praise, rather than doing a good job for its own sake (working in school for grades rather than for learning and retention).
Weedie says:
I don't see complimenting and affirming as the same thing. I raised 3 children with Between Parent and Child and they are responsible, successful adults, each of whom is a leader in their own communities. i affirmed their strengths, helped each to work on areas of low esteem or self appreciation, and let each know he/she was deeply loved. i helped each confront and work through their own problems and issues, with support and concern. These things I see as affirming. "I am proud of all that you did in X" is different from "you are such a bright boy" than "you are so clever". "I appreciate how much work you took to get to your goal" is different from "I like your goal" I was also clear what my values are and what rules goverened our household. i promised to pick up with no comment any teen-aged child of mine who called me to pick them up if they found themself in a situation they hadn't expected and felt compromised by. I offered the support but left each to make his/her own evaluation. and it worked with all three.
No, I think positive labeling is healthy.
goober says:
Just read it all again, and I'm still going to go with the decision that his theories are heaping piles of manure.
goober says:
Ginott's theories are a big steamy pile of crap. : )
miaponzo says:
I think children need compliments, just like adults do, but they should be properly done, and in the appropriate situation and they should be realistic... and real. :)
boshemia says:
Though I understand the reasoning, I have a difficult time seeing how praising my children can cause negative results in their behavior. I do know I do not want to raise self-centered brats... but I believe in self confidence! I want my kids to like themselves!
Are you familiar with Dr. Haim G. Ginott?
The teachings of Haim G. Ginott
Your turn!
Share your stories, sightings, thoughts, rants, raves...
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bluefire1020
Feb 19, 2012 @ 7:29 am | delete
- This lens is informative! =) I'm a new mom, so I'm learning. Thanks for sharing =)
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miaponzo
Apr 17, 2011 @ 7:18 am | delete
- I was really guilty of doing all these parenting things wrong until I studied psychology... now I have improved a lot and am still working on myself :)
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tandemonimom Feb 14, 2011 @ 7:57 am | delete
- Great job on a great man. A cupid kiss and **BLESSINGS** to you!
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luvmyludwig
Aug 2, 2009 @ 10:11 pm | delete
- Great job. There are so many ways we can improve with parenting and these are some simple reminders of ways that we can improver our relationship with our children.
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Boshemia
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I am a writer of fiction and of fact, a free-thinker, and true Bohemian. Author of Sister, Survivor, and a certified victim's advocate and abuse survivor... more »
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