TheHalfCenturyGrrl

Thoughts on what turning 50 means to me and probably to some of you other idealists, creatives, and iconoclasts out there.  Maybe, I will offer a few points of inspiration along the way.

Turning 50 is no joke.  It's very real.  It's very scary.  It's like you know inside of your self you still feel like a teenager or someone in their 20's.  But, the societal bombardment is telling you that you are washed up, turning invisible, already invisible, in the category of 49-60, that your skin is wrinkling...FAST, (yes, I know this is a long sentence...I'm OLD enough to know that!), that Ensure should replace a Dirty Martini, that your teeth will need some sort of adhesive or rather your dentures, that Bladder Control is an impending issue, and incontinence is looming, all the commercials I see (because I don't look at MTV) represent a blatant attack on our sensibilities for these products!

Yet, I take some solace in knowing that I look damn good for my age.  Consider how 40 or 50 year old's used to look at the beginning of the twentieth century.  MY GOD!  They looked 70!  Not that there's anything wrong with looking seventy.  Actually, what does 70 look like nowadays?  Beautiful from what I see.  Anyway back to my comparison with the twentieth-century people...they looked hard. They are the remnants of the Industrial Age.  They lived hard...so that WE can live easier.  My sincere Thanks. 

I feel fortunate to be part of a time in history, actually the first time in history, where opportunities for living well (and beyond my means) exist.  I am part of the 'hip crowd' that ushed in a freer (if not truly free) sexuality, civil rights, women's rights (?), and sought to actively articulate a better society.  I am proud and my evolution and thinking is for the better because of this history I live.

But, still I am afraid of a society that devalues it's older denizens.  I am afraid because I am getting closer and closer to that state of vulnerability.  Soon, I will not be able to out-run an attacker.  I think about that.  I think about how I presently defend myself with my mouth, my attitude, and 'selling' wolf tickets (meaning my bark is worst than my bite); and who will be afraid or intimidated by a tough talking older lady without a piece (I don't carry a gun...never have).

I think about if I really needed a job, a good paying job if heaven forbid, my forthcoming book on which I have staked my life's experiences

 (insert shameless plug here:

 'Notes From the MotherShip ~ Naked Invisibles', by Adrienne Zurub

Publication date September 2007, Chase & Wunderlick Publishers!  )

doesn't sell over a million and commands an awesome presence on The New York Times Bestseller List for the longest period of time.  What in the hell will I do?  WalMart greeter? Get a J-O-B at McDonald's? 

How about if I become homeless because of an incredible medical bill that wipes our family out?  I have a preexisting medical condition I become uninsurable!  These worries and concerns are not out of the realm of possibility.  It can happen.  It happens every frickin' day!

And what about food?  Now, even dog food and cat food, which unfortunately some seniors depend on for substenance is tainted.  WHAT THE HELL ARE WE TO DO!?  (Seriously, I wonder how many poor seniors consume and consumed that pet food tainted with rat poison?! Where are the stats on that?!). These are things I did not even think about 5, 10 or more years ago. 

Alright, now that I've dragged you into the pit of despair with me, let's get out.  The GOOD NEWS.

In my early 40's I was surprised with a pregnancy and the birth of my son, aptly named Chance.  My daughter was heading off to college at the time, and it was a hot July summer day, and I was butt-naked on our bed, and the rest, well, the rest is incredible.  Because, I didn't know I was pregnant.  I went thru my list of illnesses: thryroid-no, diabetes-no, damn, it must be breast cancer because my breasts hurt (Breast Cancer has wiped out my Mother and her side of the family!), nope-not breast cancer.  Then, I thought it must be my old standby--a brain tumor!  Finally, I went to the Doctor, and in my typical Type-A, Cardiac RN way, told him to 'just give me my Synthroid because I'm working a lot of overtime.'  When the request came for a urine test for pregnancy, I balked stating that one has to have intercourse to get pregnant! (How soon we forget!).

So, I get a call at work and the Lab person tells me that my urine test is positive.  In good form, I asked her 'what does that mean?'  (I really didn't know! scary huh?).  After she told me, I was in shock until the day I delivered.  YET, I knew I was having a boy.  I knew it!  (I had a dream about a year and a half earlier in which this beautiful little boy was looking up at me and smiling.  It was so powerful that I woke up and wrote it down and told my daughter and husband!).  I believe Chance was that little boy.  A gift from my mother who died seven years earlier.

So, I had a baby in my 40's went back to school and got my Master's Degree in Philosophy...just because(Hell, invest in yourself!).  I became a Stand Up Comedian, performing in New York and LA and numerous venues in between, I wrote a book, published poetry, took and take acting lessons, wrote and performed a Solo Performance piece at Cleveland Public Theater, attempted to write a screenplay, publishing this book with the aforementioned shameless plug, started my own publishing company, 'Chase & Wunderlick Publishers' http://www.chasewunderlickpublishers.com.cn), travel worldwide, joined Toastmaster's,  the National Speaker's Association, won NaNoWriMo(www.NaNWriMo.org) two years in a row,and just so many things!

I feel...AUTHENTIC...finally.  I feel good in my skin more often than not.  I am able to see how some marketing, specifically when it relates to women, is intended to attack us for what we are becoming, older (not a crime! and wiser-the payoff).  I see how younger women may fall victim to the culture's feeding frenzy on their transitory youth.  I see it...now.

My life is incredibly delicious right now.  I am incredibly creative right now.  I surround myself with like-minded people, a luxury my mother (I am the oldest of nine children) and my grandmothers did not have. 

I will come back and talk again.