Halloween Humor

This story happened a few years ago on 31st October in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true...it happened to a friend of a friend of mine!

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark Halloween night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and... wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath.

Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, 'Look, Bruce. There's the idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it.

Source: Snopes.com lists this piece as pure legend and while it's fun to pass on, it's been passed around and modified so many times that it's almost impossible to find the original source.

Last year my grandson, then 2, cracked us all up on Halloween. He was dressed as Dracula, face paint and all. He came home very tired and laid down in the ground cover by the front door to rest. He just about disappeared in it. A group of older boys came to the door yelling "Trick or Treat" and my grandson innocently "rose" from the earth. The boys screamed and ran off. My grandson had no idea what happened.

Source: Readers Digest

Halloween is one of mans five favorite days of the year because it is the one day where the most boring and conservative girls feel obligated to dress slutty. There will be plenty of great house parties and special events catering to some of the most outrageous, hilarious, and sexiest costumes that you could ever imagine. With that being said, here are my fearless predictions that will occur at your party. Guys please read up so you don't fall victim to the list.

1. You will wake up with regret because the girl you woke up next to is not as attractive as you thought last night.

2. There will be more Michael Jackson costumes at your party than there were prescription bottles next to his bedside when he passed away.

3. You will consume more cocktails than candy on Halloween. This is the sole reason that you will feel like crap the morning after.

4. There will be a guy at your party wearing the same costume as you. Only his will be sweeter or he will just look better in it.

5. You will hit on a chick based solely on your costumes and she will most likely reject you because of it.

6. out of every 5 costumes at your party will be of a celebrity that has died within the last year.

7. You will need to lift your jaw from the floor at least once during the night because you will see a gorgeous woman in a costume that you can't believe she left the house in.

8. You will envision sleeping with nearly every attractive woman at the party, but will still want her to wear a select few pieces of her costume in bed.

9. At one point in the night, with enough liquid courage, you will portray the role or character that you are dressed up as. It will not be that funny, but people will laugh only because they feel bad for you and they are drunk.

10. There will be one guy at the party with an orange pumpkin basket handing out condoms. He will think he is hilarious and that it is an easy way for him to strike up a conversation with the women at the party.

Source: muffslap.com.

Courtesy of The Spoof

12. Every single shopper at WallyMart: Skinny as a rail!

11. You hear footsteps on the street behind you but when you turn around, not only is no one there but something gooses you in the ass!

10. Every station on the radio has Alice Cooper as it's host.

9. Complete quiet at the local library except occassional cry of "BRAINS!"

8. When interviewing for a job at Micky D's, the boss man points to the deep-fat fryer and asks, "You want to be fried in that?"

7. You wake up to a loud whistle and you and ten neighbors find the Titanic in your back yards.

6. No matter what DVD you rent, Freddie Kruger makes an appearance, pointing his finger at you and laughing.

5. Your black cat has taken to mixing an occasional "Nevermore" in with it's usual meows.

4. Your new bride confesses she's a witch and she begins to look more like Agnes Moorehead than Elizabeth Montgomery.

3. You fear you're taking that Swine Flu because when you look into the mirror, there's a hog's head looking back at you.

2. Every time you start to take a shower that weird music starts up again.

1. Big limbs on old Oak tree in the yard starting to look like long fingers and yesterday, it was a Pine.

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"My family are such fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name and here I have to correct it!"

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night,you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

1. You keep having to go home to pee.

One witch told another witch, "I want one of those new computers that has a spell checker."

Don't bother inviting the Invisible Man to your Halloween party. He won't show up. Sometimes he makes excuses, but they're all transparent.

You don't have to worry about Daylight Savings Time at Halloween. The holiday is always on Green Witch Mean Time.

Western Union opened an office in a graveyard so the spooks could send and receive cryptograms.

Vampire pick-up line: "What's your type?"

A vampire joined the police force so he could learn the correct way to get a stakeout.

13. He's a leg man.

12. Serves nudists with dressing on the side.

11. Likes the tomatoes on a tossed Sally.

10. Best dip: the Fat Free Blanche.

9. Best dish: Dictator Tots.

8. Best lunch: Vegetable Soupy Sales and pies.

7. Holds pinkies out when he lips a Manwich.

6. Says sniveling cowards make tasty chicken fingers.

5. Plays with his food: Enjoys a good Scrabble hand, and Jacks.

4. Last dinner and a movie: The Three Faces of Eve and some movie.

3. Cool snack: Munch a bunch of free toes and Pop's corns.

2. Favorite wine: Baby Pool, 1986.

And the number one little-known Hannibal the Cannibal Lecter morsel:

He sees you when you're steeping. He knows when you're a cake.