Hammock & Hammock inc.

This is not really going to be a 2000 word post. It is really going to be short as it has a picture, and i know that all of you prefer to look at pictures anyway.
( ha ha , did you think that i didn't notice that?)
so, being that i am a South african and therefore it is my duty to educate all people in relation to the African wildlife.
Fact ; elephants are big.
fact ; if you have an accident with your car and an elephant that would be bad.
fact ; at the very least - you would have seen this training picture, and will be less shocked by the results of the accident.

SO.... WITH FURTHER ADO.......
please see the picture.
THIS IS WHAT YOUR WINDSCREEN WIILL LOOK LIKE AFTER YOU HIT AN ELEPHANT WITH YOUR CAR!!!

If the following story causes all the bleeding heart types to start getting the urge to hand me in to the dog police, then so be it.
To make it easier for those who need to moan at me - here is my e mail address "+) rob@designsmith.co.za.
If I get enough complaints then I will come back and post a video of me hugging the nasty little beast. (The dog - silly).
Ok.
So, now on with the dog hammock tale.
As I have probably said before things only get made, out of necessity. I love designing things in my head. I will go into the finest detail over the tiniest detail and eventually be sure that a product would work. But understand this; if I do not need it that day, then it can wait.
So there is a high possibility that there was a dog hammock in my head already before that day.
THAT DAY. Oh - wait before I tell you about that day I had better bring you up to speed about the amount of animals in my house.
With 4 kids in the house, all grown up now, you can understand we have had almost every kind of pet that you can think of. Thank goodness they eventually all go away.
Currently we have only two cats, and five dogs. The most dogs we had at one time was 9. Crap it was like a circus. (Still is - and I am the clown)
Now to try to explain, we have "inside-dogs" and "outside-dogs", how that happened nobody knows. But being a white South African I am told that discrimination is supposedly second nature to me "- ) and please don't e-mail me on that one also.
SO. At least two of the three inside dogs think they are people. Totally sure. I am a little embarrassed to admit that two of the dogs share our bed with us. In fact if we are stupid enough to get out of bed too early in the morning, and then make the bed, the Kiki dog will simply plough her way under again.
At around about 10 pm every night she will come to me and tap me to tell me that it is bed time. Silly dog surely should learn that I very seldom go to bed before 12 pm, but she does it every night.
Ah, I know, I am going to get to the point one day.
Now as any well behaved male should do, I love to sit around all the time in my hammock chairs. They are set up all over the place. Some in the garden, some on the stoep, places like that.
My best is to take a book and some snacks and chill for awhile in the hammock chair. Now that Kiki dog has earned herself the nickname of "hip-attachment" as the very second that I sit down she lands in my lap and plops down and stays there until I stand up. I love reading. And that dog is there for every minute I spend in those chairs.
Finally.
Now a couple of years ago I had had a bad day, and as the Kiki dog jumped up, it freaked me out, on that day, so I tossed her off the chair. Naturally, she got straight back up. And got tossed again.
Dog was way more stubborn that normal. Finally I tripped all my fuses, explained to her that I was going to tear off all four of her legs one by one. It never fazed the silly bitch at all.
So I had a choice, kill the dog or fix the problem. At the time it felt like a 50/50 choice, but I didn't kick, bash or hurt the stubborn dog.
So off to my workshop and awhile later I had my first dog hammock.
Now please pay attention as the next bit is the best part. When I got back to the hammock chair that Kiki dog (who was still sleeping in the hammock) she took one very quick look at the hammock, in my hands and popped out of the chair and sat up and begged for the dog hammock.
I put it down and she hopped straight into it. I swear she fully understood what went down that day.
Over the next few weeks the three inside dogs regularly had turns in that dog hammock.
The end of the story is sad.
The cat had the cheek to sleep in the dog hammock once.
And none of the dogs ever used it again.
And no, this wasn't a big advert. I refuse to make you one. Make your own - I will show you how.

I thought that you might like to hear a quick story about how to be of service to drunken bikers.
For awhile, back in my past, I had a number of fun "jobs" that I used to do to get money and entertainment at the same time. One of them was doing temporary tattoos. You know the henna types. I would book a stall at a music event of a church fete and start to freak out the anal retentive people.
Ah, the fun stories that I could tell you about those times, but I am a bit nervous that some of those husbands or mothers will still be able to sue me, so maybe another time for that story.
On this particular weekend my sons and I had gone to the impala bike rally just outside Pretoria. It was always great to include the boys as if you are going to watch drunken biker chicks do bad things then why not include your sons. It is a great way to ensure that they receive a well rounded education.
So anyway we had been having a great time. There were many friends and family there at that particular rally (hi Hilton - he lives in the UK now) so fun all around.
Now what I had done was to take along one of my hammock chairs and a tripod so when the scheduling got a little rough then you could get a bit of a rest in. most of the time we were way too busy. Beers and tattooing bodies.
At last. The drunk guy part of this story. We had been awake for about two days, so I can say that nobody had spent more than an hour in the hammock. Until now.
From across the swimming pool I noticed a really drunk guy weaving and swaying through the crowd. I followed his progress out of interest, and for his safety. Sometimes being soooo drunk and staggering right next to a very busy swimming pool could kill you.
Amazingly he made it. Oh, don't get me wrong. It was touch and go very many times. But he got past the games crowd; he passed the big chilling crowd, even the sun tanning chicks.
Hey, it took a long time. He regularly had to stop and rest. It looked like he was having a lot of difficulty trying to focus. He repeatedly stretched his head forward like he smelled something. And swung his head from side to side. I never thought he would ever make it over to my side of the pool.
It took about a half an hour.
Finally from about 100 meters away he spotted my stall. Now please understand that I am a little weird, so that any stall that I do at a fair or show is normally easily visible. But he just stood swaying and peering towards me for awhile. I just carried on doing my thing.
But by now I was watching him a little more carefully as a drunk person with a bit of speed can do a fair amount of damage if plowing through a tattoo stall. What if you were having a lizard tattooed around your nipple and some drunk bonehead caused the lizards tail to skid right across your chest?
(Did I say nipple? Sorry mom - I meant shoulder)
Now this next bit I will remember for the rest of my life.
This so-totally-drunk-guy finally focused on my hammock chair and tripod standing there. It took him about 2 minutes to process what he was looking at. But then he launched himself at the chair. Oh it was brilliant. A perfect counter argument for the drunk driving guys, he knew where he was going.
I started to get up so that I could rugby tackle him before he collapsed the entire rally. But he was fast. Oh, much faster than me, I was completely fooled. It wasn't my fault; remember I had watched him take an hour to get to me. Without drowning- which was a miracle?
Somehow - and to this day I do not know how he did it, he skidded to a stop directly in front of the chair did a delicate swivel and gently lowered himself into the hammock chair.
While I just stood the caught in a half step - foot in the air, totally amazed. I have seen perfectly sober people completely stuff up the simple process of sitting down into the chair, but not this guy.
I have a suspicion that he has been doing things drunk for years. Even on his bike. Such a delicate touch. Wow.
And then he closed his eyes.
But he did it so fast that I thought that maybe he had died.
So I went over to check. But he was still breathing. I tried to talk to him but he seemed to have lapsed into some sort of coma.
I left him alone. And we partied on. And on. About 12 hours later (he was still out cold) I checked that he was still alive - covered him with a blanket as it was about 2 in the morning about now, and I went to the bar to start to drink in a more serious way. (Just a note here I always do everything twice as hard as the next person, or not at all, otherwise why bother?)
Finally at about 6 in the morning my sons and I staggered back to the spot and saw that he was still there. Now we weren't in a very coherent place at all. What we proceeded to do was try to wake him up to drink with us. No chance.
So we poured an entire beer over him.
Well he took 5 minutes to wake up, greeted us, and strolled off to the showers.
We never saw him again.
I am sure he is still alive.
We slept for 2 hours and then went home. Thanks for following this tale. ;>)
If you need a hammock chair then go to www.designsmith.co.za. Sometimes I make them.

The hammock chairs that I manufacture are generally very large and quite heavy. I do this on purpose as I am a little large and do not want to sit scared. Needless to say that because of this fact the tripods that went with theses chairs were also big. Most of the time I use 3 x 3.5 meter treated gum poles, drill a hole into the top and thread a rope through, and stand it up.
Please note that the pic that I am going to attach is not at all like the normal thickness tripod poles. But I didn't have a better picture. Sorry.

Now today's story is one of pain and embarrassment.

About 8 years ago when I still had the enthusiasm to trade all over the place, I was displaying my range of hammocks at a school function. (Ah go on, I know that you are curious, it was a primary school in Bedford view, Johannesburg, and I think that I only sold 8 hammocks that day).

I had learned long before that if I am demonstrating the hammock chairs at a place where there are either women or children then I had better watch out for the swinging addicts. Seriously adult men hardly ever swing in the hammock chairs, but women and children are very badly behaved. I have to watch closely and remind all that they are chairs and not swings. Problem is that this requires that you constantly pay attention. I do not always pay attention.

Now on this particular day I did not build up the structure that I normally do to show the hammock chairs off properly. At the same time I didn't even have a tree. So recklessly I put up the tripod, and hung a chair on it.

Now for the painful part. Whenever I saw someone getting nearer the chair I would watch them closely (with a frown - and it usually caused then to be a little careful)
But at that moment I had got distracted.

And a small schoolgirl had arrived to sit in the chair. I do not think that she even tried to swing. What probably happened is that she held the fabric of the chair behind her bum and simply kept reversing. Well what can I say? I heard a very loud squeal and a clatter of wood and poles. When I turned around all I could see was a pile of poles some fabric and two feet.

The entire system had swallowed up this poor little schoolgirl. Well I managed to unwrap the chair and rescue her. The entire chair had folded up in a scissor way, and it was probably a miracle that she wasn't injured.

Phew.

Over the years, what with developing a very large range of hammocks I must say that I had very few accidents. But I will remember that face expression forever.

This is a story that I can relate to you and even when you have read or heard it all you will still not have a clue as to what emotions and feeling came over me that day.

No worries.

The story goes like this. I had loaded up my car and trailer fully to the brim. No vehicle ever should be punished like that. But Mary-Jane (the old ford that I was driving) was very friendly and didn't mind carrying more if I needed her to.

Sadly because I had filled her so full we chugged along very slowly. It is kinda embarrassing when fully laden trucks pass you by. However I had allowed time for all this knowing my normal slow and steady habits. I am very fond of doing the scenic route thing and drifting along smelling the flowers as I go.

Ask anyone who knows me and they will agree that I do sort of drift. And it is because I want to.

So by late afternoon I had appeared in a small town of Belfast (in Mpumalanga South Africa). Now it was mid winter and this area is one of the few places known for freezing weather. I am a little padded around the middle so I wasn't worried about freezing. Until I thought about it a bit.

Just a quick note here to any future traveler to this town. If you are from a large city and are used to having all sorts of places open 24 hours - beware. I got a little hungry at about sundown and when I asked about where to eat people looked at me in a panic. Then they looked at their watches in a panic. Finally they told me to run, and that the local food place was closing in 20 minutes. What the hell? What if you get the nibbles at two in the morning? You could die. Well ok, if you are my size it could take me awhile to die, but I won't be happy about it.

Anyway, on with my tale. As I had packed Mary-Jane to the brim, I wasn't in the mood to search for my tent and all the other things I needed to make up a civilized looking nest for the night. So I peeped at what I could use easily. So what I got was one of the large family sized padded hammocks that I manufacture and sell. At least all my pillows and bedding was near the top.

So, all cool. I arranged to get into the empty caravan park (empty because it was seriously into mid winter) and organized showers etc. then I hung up this great big hammock into two huge pine trees. Now here is where we get to the real parts of this story. I have seen many movies. And I know that these guys lie down to sleep and never wake up because of this hyperthermia stuff. So I was just a little chicken.
Now the big hammock that I make is doubled and padded and all that good stuff. So I went about planning this nest very carefully.

All in the dark.

I had 5 layers 4 cushions, coffee in a flask, and no electricity. At this point I now know why people who lived on farms back in the past had so many kids. With no electricity, and then not being able to read or anything, well it is no wonder that sex was the only entertainment that they had.

I didn't even have that. So I slept.

Here is the bit that you won't understand, and I hope that it doesn't sound lame when I tell you.

When I woke up to the faintest bits of daylight, surrounded by slow moving thick mist, with birds everywhere it was something I will remember for the rest of my life.

The birds had not seen me move and therefore were within touching distance from me. While my breath was a seriously thick stream of mist from the cold I was as warm as toast. I watched without moving for about two hours as the winters day woke up. With the mist slowly clearing and uncovering a small lake with wildlife and birds everywhere.

To try to explain how I melded into that cathedral of life without a human sound or distraction will be impossible. Needless to say I am already the type of person who is barefoot and in touch with the African soil, but that morning was special.

Thanks.

I don't have to tell you that naturally it made me late for the show I was attending, but all the other traders are used to my speed, and it is not too hard to train a new organizer of the show. Generally there organizers are too busy to be bothered with the guy who goes a little slowly anyway. Having said that these were generally always three day shows, so why would I need to get blisters rushing when all the guests normally came back on all three days anyway.

I am not really that sorry that I kind of drifted along in a roundabout way to get this story told to you. But if you were very busy and still made it this far, then I want to give you this message - STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES. They really do smell beautiful. And do it with your shoes off.

Ok, I am finished, you can go now. Thanks for your time. Bye!

If you want to make your own hammock and you have not ever made one before, be prepared to make more than one. I have some very amusing memories as to how my first hammock manufacturing attempts went. If I remember correctly I think I even sold the second one. I hope they didn't hurt themselves too badly.
Before you start the process you must make a decision as to which type of hammock you want to make. And a word of warning here. If you are going to do this project as a labor of love, then great carry on, but if you are doing this to save money - beware. You are unlikely to save money doing it yourself. I am not joking. Experience has taught me that about 75% of all first hammocks break tear or collapse in the first minutes of use. However if you are doing it to startup a hammock business, then you need that failure experience. It will stand you in good stead in the future.
The most popular type of hammock is the standard type of two point canvass or rope style. These are probably also the easiest to make. Most of these are so basic that all you really need is 2 meters of fabric and 2 poles. You need to consider the hammock chair type of hammocks, and the very popular hiking and camping types. Once you have a good idea as to which general direction you want to go in, you must break down the details even further.
You will need to decide on whether to go for lightweight or for heavier padded or canvass types. This would depend on how portable you need the hammock to be. If you are going to manufacture it on the spot it is going to hang, you have no restrictions at all. You could use steel cable and chains. Then couple that up with chunky wood and industrial strength canvass. My opinion is you would end up with a great looking avant-garde industrial hammock. Whether it will be comfortable or not is a good question.
Perhaps the best advice I could give you is to use the following items and to keep the whole process as simple as possible. So, get some ripstop nylon, also known as parachuting fabric, do not get the crackly type. It must feel soft and silky to the touch. Some of the "crackly" types have been treated or have had a backing attached and you might find it is weakened a bit. Then make sure that you do all the sewing with industrial cotton, and preferably on an industrial machine. Just one small tip here, take care it is important. Set your stitch length wide. If you have the stitches very tiny it creates the same effect as that "tear-along-the-dotted-line' thing and you run the risk of tearing it easily.
On the hammock forum websites there are a lot of the guys that will give you detailed plans and measurements on specific types of hammocks. They are very often the suppliers or the clips and components of the things, and you will need to get those somewhere. They are a very friendly and helpful bunch of guys. Visit all the sites you can to see what types are available out there. If you feel confused at all, rather buy a hammock, hang it up and lie in it while you contemplate what to do next.

The two words outdoor and hammocks fit together perfectly. While I have got hammocks indoors in my home at the moment, the bulk of hammocks are used outdoors. There are three main places or types of areas where most hammocks are used. If you discount other niche areas where I have seen hammocks hung up, like music festivals and the beach, these three groups tend to cover the bulk of the uses.
There are other people that use hammocks on a daily basis and I haven't allowed for these types of people in this article. For example truckers in Thailand all have hooks mounted in the back of their trucks and when they stop they simply hook it up and sleep.
Resorts.
I allow that resorts cover all different types of hotel and holiday accommodation places. It is great that it is generally the advertising agencies that promote hammock sales for us manufacturers by doing adverts with hot bikini girls in hammocks. Having said that I found that it was the smaller more personal type of bed and breakfast or backpacker that tended to place the real orders. These resorts knew very well that this lifestyle quality detail gave them huge repeat business.
I am based in South Africa and the game lodges were perfectly suited to a high quality hammock. My personal experience found that the hammock chair tended to be more popular as it was more social as anti-social. A few of the lodges that tended to not skimp on the details around the boma or fire areas were the ones that were receiving the most results. It makes sense that if someone sits comfortably around a blazing fire in the bushveld that they would have fond memories of that resort.
Private home use.
The biggest market for hammocks is in the general home use category. There is not a particular type of hammock that is more prevalent here. There are equally as many lightweight parachute type fabric hammocks, as there are large family sized double padded luxury hammocks. The size of the entertainment areas in the yards of your home generally helps make the decision as to which hammock to buy.
As we are discussing outdoor hammocks here I would like to point out that the other huge hammock population is the many people that us their hammocks every night to sleep in at home.
Hiking and camping.
The final large group of hammock users is the hiking and camping crowd. This portion of the hammock market is probably the most loyal (fanatical). The reason it is safe to say this is that even the guy that really uses his hammock a lot at home generally only lies around in it a bit on the weekends. Now a hiker or camper spends many a happy weekend tramping around in natures most beautiful places, and living in their hammocks.
These guys can tell you the real stories about their hammock adventures. They live life large. Good for them. Outdoor hammocks are perfectly suited to this pastime. Go and get yourself fitted today.

Hanging baby Cribs are brilliant. If you have gone and done something silly like having a baby, that is cool, but i highly recommend you get yourself a hanging baby crib. Er, from me naturally.
What you would do is to hang the crib next to the bed in the perfect position to be able to push the crib gently with your foot.

Aren't all hammocks for fun? I have to say that if you are not having fun in your hammock, there is something seriously wrong. Perhaps you did not load enough toys into the hammock before you got in. aah, maybe you have been there so long that the problems is that you really need the loo.
Seriously there so many ways to use your hammock to enhance the fun part of your life. In fact while I think of it there are some fantastic forums on the internet all with the sole purpose of talking hammocks. If you visited any of those forums, I am pretty sure that someone will have a great idea to give you as to how to enjoy some time somewhere with your hammock. The chances are even that they might even be local. I am in Africa, and can give you a list of brilliant places to hammock in, just ask.
Make up a list of activities that you enjoy doing, and then cross refer that list to places where you know that you will be able to hang up your hammock, and bingo, you have a new favorite spot to visit.
If you are using your hammock properly then you would have hooked it up to your hobbies long ago. An example is, I love nature, so what I do is combine nature and some activity. Say fishing or a picnic. If you take your hammock along to a good fishing spot, you will find that the way you relax and enjoy the day is completely different to any other way. I find that when I used to do that, I was not putting bait onto the fishing line, so as not to be disturbed by the actual fish. I also discovered the art of sleeping behind sunglasses. When you do that nobody's sure if you are asleep or awake. Either way they tend to be fairly quiet, which is great.
After many years of using hammocks I am very sure as to which activities I prefer. First prize is a quiet beautiful place and a really good book. Second choice is the hammock chairs in a group around a fire, and then good company. I am one of those fools that think ridiculous thoughts up about aliens and corriolis force as soon as I get to sit around a fire. I think that I can hook up with my ancestors if I stare into a fire long enough. If I drank less wine then I would remember. But then why would I want to drink less wine?
It would be remiss of me if I did not remind you all that one of the most fun activities that you can get up to in a hammock is sex. If not full sex the very fact that you are piled up together in a hammock gives you the chance to at least talk about sex. That on its own can be a lot of fun. (Just a word of warning here - if your wife AND her sister are in the hammock with you, stay away from the subject).
I leave you with this statement; I would love it if you all shared your fun times spent in a hammock with me. Please.