I don't ever plan to say 'I do'.
Unmarried, unpartnered, cherishing time alone... it's time for the single introverts of the world to stand up and be counted. I know there's one, anyway.
I am not religious, I am irreverantly spiritual, and what that means is that my philosophy of life might offend folks who think we are born to be wedded & procreate. All others, read on.
The Allure of being Alone
some couples freak me out
I just don't get it. I don't get why people get married. Oh, no, I'm not talking about the 20-ishes that want to start a family together, one understands these things. But still. You see these couples on Dr Phil and you think to yourself, 'why are you even together'. Is anything worth that much aggravation?Why is it we think so little of ourselves that a crumb of affection from someone else is enough? Why do we get into relationships with people so markedly different from us that there's bound to be conflict?
If people do live together, surely their goal should be unconditional acceptance of the other combined with total mutual respect. Surely they should learn how to communicate like thoughtful, awake human beings. Surely they should sit down and talk about important things like finances and where & how we're going to live. And the fact that both of us should be providing for the family if and when we have one.
But really the problem is that so many of us don't really even know who we are. We are battleworn and scarred and we take this baggage into every relationship. The old cliché about loving yourself first is really true. If you don't appreciate yourself, then you can't believe anyone else does. So then you end up doing the dance of 'please the other so they will continue to care' or 'make the other prove they care'. But no one else can give you your worth. It is in you.
And our modern life makes everything so complicated. Everyone's so busy, everyone has had no rest, no sleep, no time for contemplation or stillness. It's go, go, go. It's like we worship busy-ness. Yet so many feel a profound lack of something meaningful in their lives.
I suppose that is one reason I am happily single. I love the stillness. I love the quiet. I love the aloneness. I love being with me.
The New Earth
Awakening to your Life's Purpose
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose
I just finished reading this book and I have to say it's the most spiritually enlighting book I've ever read. It's full of peace, and kindness, and non-judgement, and inclusiveness. I felt alive just reading it.
It also speaks about accepting where you are. If we are lonely, and wish for companionship and look at every new relationship as possibly being 'the one', we are looking for value from the external. We are looking for someone else to fill our needs. In reality, in the now, we are already connected to everything that exists, in reality, we are already whole.
Amazon Price: $16.47 (as of 07/19/2008)
recharging
loving space
One of the reasons I enjoy being single is having space and time to myself. Thinking back, I wonder if some of the irritation that I've experienced in being with someone else comes from that need for space. Certainly I've felt the same irritation with roommates too. And it really had nothing to do with the other person doing or saying something that meets resistance in you. It's more about them just being there, in your space.In speaking with other introverted people, I've found there is a similar sentiment. It is probably difficult for extroverts to understand the need of an introvert for time and space to 'recharge'. Extroverts get their charge from being with people. We do not.
For example, after a long day of teaching and mentoring people, I had my set on sitting down to sort out some paperwork with some music playing and then watching a movie. Someone calls and asks if I'd like to meet for coffee or dinner. I don't want to. And it has nothing to do with them, it has to do with me needing to recharge after a day of giving my energy to other people. It has to do with me wanting to do what I am doing right now - sitting in a quiet apartment, a light or two on as the sun sinks below the horizon - as I write.
The Artist's Way
Awaking your creativity
The Artist's Way
I read this book about 5 years ago and it definitely expanded my experience of life & the creative process. It's not something you just 'read', though. There are tasks and exercises in every chapter. Through doing them, I began to paint. I began to write music. I began to find joy in small things.
In addition, I was able to let go of my insistance that my life be 'this way' or 'that way'. I was able to open to the flow more, and go with the flow more. I began to fill my life and my time with the doing of creative things, like painting, songwriting, jewelry-making, blogging. The doing of these creative acts bring me a feeling of aliveness that no one else can give me. It is in me and of me, yet it is part of the universal flow & energy that lift us. As I walk the path of creativity, my consciousness is awakening, and I begin, in small ways, to see how little I valued myself in the past... and how beautifully the creative process helps us paint our lives with in-the-now alive moments.
Amazon Price: $26.40 (as of 07/19/2008)
Self-content
contemplating aloneness
Ah yes, aloneness. What actually is it? It's not always being physically alone. I've been more alone in a relationship with someone than I am on my own, haven't you? The times when you feel like he or she isn't "getting" you. The times when you feel like he or she is taking you for granted. When it seems like you are a convenient depository for someone's trouble and strife, when they talk at you so much you wish they had an off switch. I've actually tuned out and then realized 30 minutes later, with a start that I wasn't listening at all -- and I find they are still talking about the same thing.Ah, but it's not all about 'them'. As an introverted person I enjoy being on my own. I find I need peace and quiet and space around me to recharge. This is vastly different from extroverted people, who get charged from noise & crowds & activity. When an introvert goes out with an extrovert - that can be problematic.
I was thinking about my last relationship today, thinking about how much I felt like I'd found myself and had my feet firmly pointed in the right direction - then got involved with someone who was sort of in the relationship, but sort of not in the relationship. After dancing around for a year, I realized not only were we going in circles but I'd lost myself again. Lost myself trying to make the relationship work. Lost myself trying to get someone else to be present with me when we were together.
Not that you can, really, make anyone do anything. Just fell back into the old dysfunction of trying to be what you think they want you to be so that they will care & be there. After a while you realize that is unhealthy. Again.
And although I grieved the loss of that person in my life, because he was a good guy for the most part, after a time I came to realize that I am just more content on my own. I have no one to deal with but me or my housemates most of the time. I have space, I have time, I have everything I need, and I am grateful.
Welcome to the world of Singledom
We who walk alone
The first premise of Singledom is that it's not only okay not to be in a pair, but that being Single is a healthly life choice.Singles may have been in relationships in the past, and have discovered that the dynamics of the typical modern relationship lead them down a path they don't want to go. They find themselves morphing into someone else in order to please their partner. Old insecurities come up and old behavours resurface. They end up replaying the same kind of relationship over and over again.
So now they make a conscious choice to live alone. They find strength in being alone. They have time to work on moving past old programming. They have space to try new things.
Singles may have friends, intimate friends, and may have long term relationships with other people, but choose not to have live-in partners. They choose to live alone.
Singles feel that their personal space is extremely important. They are better companions when they choose to spend time with others, knowing they have a place of their own waiting for them whenever they need it.
Singles may also feel that religious beliefs that insist we marry & have children fly in the face of the reality of an over-populated world swiftly losing its resources. They may feel it is wise to look deep within and strive to fill their own potential, and lead by example.
Singles feel that the emphasis in modern society on 'having' and 'being seen to have' is unhealthy. You cannot own someone else, and you cannot force them to love you. The emptiness of modern life comes from the focus on the external, on being passive, on playing prescribed roles.
Singles walk to the sound of a different drummer. They might even make the drum.
Top 8 Reasons to be Single
I'd rather argue with myself
#1 - you get to sleep alone, undisturbed by the tractor & someone getting up and down to wee#2 - you get to watch what you want to watch, when you want to watch it
#3 - you can let silence fall around you like a cloak
#4 - you aren't liable for anyone else's debts and you'll never have to pay a lawyer to help you break up with someone
#5 - you won't compromise, or be distracted from, your personal goals
#6 - you'll know precisely what's in the plastic containers in the fridge, cause you put it there
#7 - you won't waste time banging heads with someone who doesn't 'get' you
#8 - unless you have company, the toilet seat stays in the proper position.
Paint the Sky with Stars
I love this CD.
Paint the Sky with Stars: The Best of Enya
A dear friend gave me this CD a couple of years ago, and it's been my favourite ever since. I listen to it whenever I am travelling, and whenever I can't sleep. There is something so peaceful and alluring about the music, it never fails to relax me. Enya's voice and creativity appeal to my spirit & help me feel less alone.
Amazon Price: $8.99 (as of 07/19/2008)
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