Cruising for People Who Hate Cruises

CRUISES ARE CHEAP. Cruises are almost always cheaper than staying in hotels. Where else can you stay in a high-quality hotel with free room service, and eat 4-star cuisine for less than $100 a day?

UNPACK ONCE. On a cruise, you get to visit many places, but keep the same hotel room.

VISIT MANY PLACES. I know... I said this already. But if you are traveling to a part of the world that is new to you, cruising is a great way to experience a variety of cities (or countries) in the area.

GREAT SERVICE. The room stewards, the pursers, the dining room staff: They're great! They want you to come again, and they act like it.

EVERYONE SPEAKS ENGLISH. Sure, it's great to learn a foreign language and try to fit in with the locals, but it is also nice to know that everyone you speak to in your hotel and restaurant will understand you the first time... regardless of the part of the world you are visiting.

GET A TABLE FOR TWO. As soon as you get aboard: Don't visit your cabin, don't look around, but head for the dining room listed on your boarding card. Find the Matre 'd and request a table for two. No stories from those retirees!

DON'T DO WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO DO. No one is gonna make you play bingo, watch a variety show, or enter the "Hairiest Chest" contest. If you don't like the activities, just say no.

SKIP FORMAL NIGHT. Whenever you have a day at sea, formal attire is required at dinner in the dining room. That means expensive dresses for the ladies, and a suit or tuxedo for the men. Save your money (and trouble), and have pizza or a burger on the Lido deck!

AVOID AN INTERIOR CABIN. I know it costs a little more to gen an ocean view cabin, but they are always more spacious. We made the mistake of saving $50 on a 3-day cruise to Baja by taking an interior cabin, and it was so small the bed touched three walls. The cramped quarters were too small to enjoy sitting and reading, and the TV was only a 15-inch model.

SCHEDULE YOUR OWN EXCURSIONS. You'll save quite a bit of money if you can locate excusions on your own in the ports of call. The cruise line will try to convince you that their excursions are better because the ship always waits for its own excusions (this is true), but if you can just keep an eye on the time when ashore, you'll be fine. Heck, you don't have to book excursions in every port-- just go ashore!

DON'T PAY FOR FOOD. This may sound silly to even mention when so much of the food and drink is included, but there are dozens of opportunities to still spend your money. Soft drinks are not included in the price of your booking, but coffee, iced tea, hot tea, milk, hot chocolate, lemonade, fruit punch, and some juices are FREE. There are even 24-hour beverage stations on board for most of these.

They will gladly sell you bottled water, capuccino, soft drinks, brownies, chocolate-covered strawberries, cookies, and of course, alcohol.

DON'T BUY A SOFT DRINK CARD. A Coke is $2 at the bar or in a dining room. That may sound pricey, but a Soft Drink Card is usually arouind $6 a day. You are away from the ship quite a bit, and even a heavy soda drinker like me found it difficult to average two sodas a day. Mmmm... free lemonade...

DON'T SHOP ON THE SHIP. Unless you go on vacation specifically to buy diamonds and rolexes, skip the on-board, duty-free shops.

TAKE YOUR OWN PHOTOS. Every night, photographers swarm over the ship taking your photo with no obligation for you to buy. A few hours later, 8x10s of these photographs are displayed in the photo area, and if you like 'em, you can buy them (along with additional prints). Sure, the quality is pretty good, and hey, how often are we on a cruise? It's only money... WHOA! Snap out of it! Just hand your camera to someone walking by and have them take your picture.

STAY OUT OF THAT CASINO. 'Nuff said.

LEAVE YOUR LAPTOP AT HOME. $55 for 100 minutes of internet time? That's only 14 minutes a day for a week-long cruise. if you felt bringing your computer was important, you'll need A LOT more than 100 minutes. That $9.95/day that some hotels charge is starting to look pretty good!

FREE FOOD. Breakfast and dinner (and lunch on days at sea) are served in the formal dining rooms. The food and service are superb! The portions are small, so order two or three of each course if you want. There are always other sources of free food, some of it available 24 hours a day, including room service.

WORKING OUT. Yep, there's a gym onboard, full of modern exercise equipment. There's a running track on larger ships, and usually a half-basketball court. Aerobics and Yoga cost extra, so avoid 'em!

WATER, WIND, AND SUN. There are multiple decks just covered with lounges... grab one. That is, right after you grab a book from your cabin and a free ice tea or lemonade!

LIVE ENTERTAINMENT. Okay... I hate this stuff, but I hear some of it is pretty good. We got lucky and saw a very funny stand-up comedian. There's a show every night, and yes, it's free.

GET WET. There are always a bunch of pools and jacuzzis, and a few cool water slides. Cowabunga!

GO ASHORE. You don't need to schedule a pricey excursion in every port. Most of the places you will stop have great shopping districts, art galleries, and excellent local food. Use your feet and experience the port city without paying extra.