Haunted House Sales

So you fancy a few shady visitors for company, eh? Before you go house hunting, learn the tell-tales signs that your future residence has invisible sitting tenants:

No mirrors, especially none in the bathroom. That's an easy one. No mirrors means THEY cannot write on them, especially in the steam from the bathroom.

Radio or TV turned up loud. You'll still hear the footsteps, so why bother?

Keys chained in key cabinet. See Living in a Haunted House.

Realtor always standing at foot of stairs - see 'Selling a Haunted House.'

Lots of feathers floating around upstairs. Something's just had a pillow fight...

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Don't waste time on the bloodstain at the foot of the stairs - it'll be back next day. Unless you're selling, in which case see 'Selling a Haunted House'.

Keep your keys chained to the key cabinet. Poltergeists just hate tidy homes. Your keys will probably be in the fruit bowl when you're about to leave for work.

Put a lock on your sock drawer. Yes, now you know why you have several odd socks.

Make sure your house insurance is good, and up to date. You know why.

So you've decided to move on. You're saying goodbye to the footsteps across the landing, the bloodstain at the foot of the stairs, the flickering lamps and the shadows that move. It's time to let somebody else have a little fun!

Most people will decide to give the old place a coat of paint and a new carpet or two, but you have a little more work to do than that. Hopefully, a lot of scrubbing and a coat of sealant on the stone floor will keep the hall bloodstain at bay long enough to get it to pass unnoticed by the realtor. Otherwise, you'll have to stand on it each time they walk past.

Call in an electrician and get them to check on the house wiring, so that there's somebody else to blame for the lights flickering if queried. While you're about it, best call in the plumber too, in case someone mentions the color of the water in the bath. Not everybody likes red bathwater, after all. There's not much you can do about the footsteps or shadows, though.

On the plus side, the seven odd socks in your drawer will probably be reunited with their mates sometime soon.

Last of all - don't forget to let the ghost(s) know you're moving on. You may not, however, want to tell them where...

I live inside a haunted house, I wouldn't call it fun,
the monsters, ghouls and spooks are everywhere,
they slam the doors and break the plates and frighten everyone,
it seems that once you're dead your job's to scare!

It's hard to get to sleep because they stomp around all night
destroying vases, breaking window panes,
and if it all goes quiet and you think that it's all right,
they form a line of ghosts and rattle chains!

The lights turn on and off, and toast will pop at any time,
the phone will ring then fall onto the floor,
the kitchen sink is always full of glowing greenish slime,
nobody does the dishes any more!

The pictures in the hallway hang at angles rather strange,
although they're straightened every single day,
each night a phantom does its job - to mess and re-arrange,
he doesn't call it work - to him it's play!

The bedrooms are an awful mess, the pillow cases sliced,
with feathers falling round like snowy flakes,
nobody makes the bed because the household poltergeist
will muck it up again, when he awakes!

If visitors come round to call, the ghosts will come alive,
they shriek and boo, it's very impolite,
before too long the guests are running screaming down the drive,
and often, all their hair has turned to white!

I give you all a warning, stay away from ghostly stuff,
and never, ever buy a haunted house,
I'm moving out quite soon, because I've really had enough,
it's bad enough for me - and I'm a mouse!

Haunted House