Head-Injury-information-and-advice-from-a-survivor-living-life

I have had trouble remembering things at times. I have also been unwilling to admit to it in the past. In my struggle to be normal and just like everyone else; I have not been willing to admit that I have certain problems like remembering things, being slower, talking slower, having a harder time understanding some things.

Sometimes, when being given instructions, I will have to ask for them to repeat or rephrase what they have said. My memory is frustrating because at times, it seems to be selective and can only remember the things that I am really interested in.

It's very frustrating to live with this condition. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it to do anything.
That's the depression kicking in again. It always kicks me in the ass for some reason. Plus, another one of the effects of the head injury is an inability to hold onto friendships for some reason. Sometimes all friendships feel like a dead end; but, then when I'm in some friendships I think, hey this isn't so bad. So, there is a lot of inner conflict as far as friendships go.

The only interaction that I have with other people these days are my family and the ones that I see in a 12-step program that I go to. I have heard that this is also an effect of the head injury.

My life is very lonely which I don't really like but, I have this inner contradiction as far as having friends goes. On one hand I feel lonely and would enjoy the company of others. But, on the other hand; I feel like a relationship or friends would take up too much of my time and would not allow me the time to do what I need to do.

So, you can see that I'm always kicking myself in the ass for something. I think that I should be farther along in life than I am too. I might be too hard on myself but this is who I am and how I think.
When I was younger; I was terrified of loud noises. I would run and hide whenever I heard a motorcycle or a car with a loud muffler. I didn't stop running and hiding until I was about 15. That is also around the time that I stopped wetting the bed.

Growing up was hard and so was school. I was placed in special education classes because I was slower and had difficulty learning. The whole social atmosphere was difficult too.

I knew I wasn't like the other kids; so, my self-esteem suffered as a result. I always valued being honest with people but it got me into trouble.

You see, I have a dent in my forehead from where the car hit me. The other kids would ask me what happened and I would tell them that I got hit by a car.

A lot of times they would look at me like I was stupid or call me stupid and I would be ostrocized. It's hard enough just to try to get to know yourself when you're young but, this just adds extra pressure.

At the age of 8, I was suicidal. For a long time the only thing that I could think about was dying. Not a great problem solving skill, I know. Every time a problem would come up, I would automatically start thinking about suicide again. It's hard to plan for any kind of a future when you are thinking about dying all the time.

As I tried to go through school and make friends; it was a very hard thing for me. I was shy and quiet, very quiet. Sometimes, the other kids would come up to me and make fun of me because I never said anything to anyone. And to be honest, I felt like I didn't have anything to say.

There would be times when I was invited to a party but I didn't go because I was so scared of people. I was afraid of everything and everybody. Plus, I really had to get to know a person before I could trust them. I was scared of saying something stupid in social settings; so, I wouldn't say anything at all.

Growing up, I had very bad self-esteem. I always thought of myself as a loser and I suffered greatly as a result. It's frustrating to try to function socially when sometimes all you do is say stupid things because you are trying to say something just to fit in or get a conversation started; when, in the end you come across looking like an ass because you are unintentionally, putting your foot in your mouth; if you know what I mean.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to be able to laugh at yourself; as well as others. I know that there are times in life when you do need to be serious but, not all the time. I always try to feel things out with what I call my mental radar or my intuition. As a result of this, I'm able to enjoy myself most of the time. Sure, there are times when I struggle; just like every human being on Earth. You see, I suffer from this condition called," being human.

The constant struggle with memory is something that continues to plague me. I do have tools to use; like post-it notes, organizers, and notes on the refrigerator. I admit that I do use refrigerator magnets a bit. I also have three different calenders with stuff written on them to help me remember. I, often times have to cross off the days on the calender as I go, just so I can remember what day it is.

Whatever you do, don't fall into the trap of asking yourself what you would be like if the accident never happened. Focusing on that is pointless because what's done is done. So, deal with it. I know, it's not a very nice thing to say but, it's reality. I don't know how many years I wasted by just staying in self pity. It's impossible to set any kind of goals in that mind set; let alone achieve them. Always be the optimist because the pessimist always loses. Those are my words of wisdom. I know this from experience; hard life experience. Believe me; if you do things the easy way, it is a lot better.

I like to be an optimist because it sure beats the hell out of being a pessimist. I would rather think about the good things. I have gotten myself into the habit of keeping a gratitude journal on a daily basis; of the things that I am grateful for. By doing this; it helps me to not be depressed but, I still couldn't survive without the medication for depression.

So far in my life, I have been hospitalized three times because of depression. The first time was in 1997 when I was unemployed for a period of time. I had gone through a relationship that turned bad and life became too much to bare. I wound up talking to the crisis hotline for a while and one night I just couldn't get off the phone because I was in such misery. Eventually, the police showed up at my door and took me to the hospital.

The second time was in 2005 when my marriage fell apart. It was weird, because for a couple of years I felt like it was crumbling and then one day it all came to a head and I couldn't take it anymore.

The third time I was hospitalized was in 2007 when I was in the middle of a relationship with a woman that just went bad.

During each of these hospitalizations, the medication that I was on had been changed. A lot of the time, I feel like a science experiment because the medication is often altered in the dosage amount or changed completely to a different medication. The whole point of this is that I'm trying and I think that should count for something.

Ever read something and have it not register? This happens to me often. Then, I start to wonder why I even bother to read anything in the first place. Sometimes the memories are so scattered that it is hard to make sense of them. I guess it comes down to a matter of interest. I'm sure going to remember something I'm interested in, right? Not exactly, I will remember bits and pieces of it, most likely; but I will probably not remember every detail. I don't know if I have a problem with this because I had a head injury or if my problem is that I'm just a perfectionist.

As I am the one who has to live with myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year; I find myself alone, often. Sometimes I think that it's too often. A lot of times I think that I need friends and I would like to have friends but, on the other hand; I have a lot of stuff to do and I think that if I have friends that, that will get in the way of me getting anything done. I have lots of writing to do and who knows if that will ever get off the ground. Oh well...

I don't know why I should be any different than anybody else. So, I had a traumatic head injury. So what? Big deal!!! Why should I be any different just because my brain functions differently? Yes, I'm a little slower to process some things but, not all. I may have my own flaws and faults but, that is what makes me an individual and a human being.

Sometimes I wonder if it does any good whatsoever. I don't even know if I'm retaining what I'm reading sometimes; let alone, writing. Oh well, I guess it will all come out in the wash in the end. It's like the old saying goes; try, and try, try, try again. All of this trying when all I really want to do is get something accomplished

On my merry way, I still have things to say. Hence, I have the need to type it here because I don't think that anyone would care because it is complete nonsense, anyways. But, it does serve the purpose of entertaining me which I think should be enough. But, what do I know? I'm just a human being, after all. After all is said and done; and profits are won, I'm still there. All alone and pondering on the meaning of life. Although, I did figure this out a long time ago. My purpose is to learn and grow and become a better human being and make the world a better place. Why is this so hard?

My best advice to anybody is never give up. You are the only one who can ever count yourself out. I've been a loner and outcast all of my life but I never give up. Just because my head injury happened at such a young age, I'll never know what I would've been like if it hadn't happened. Afterall, it's like what Wayne Dyer says in one of his audio programs; you can never would've, should've, could've done anything because that is all in the past. And unless someone comes up with a time machine to be able to go back and change things; I have to deal with what is, in life.

The creative bug has been with me for years. By that I mean the urge and desire to write. This is not always easy to deal with. Sometimes I will just have to scrap a whole story because it is too hard for my mind to hold onto and remember all the many details. I have found a cure for that problem. That is to write shorter stories and imagine the details as vividly as possible. I guess that is part of the reason I like to write poetry. I think the reason I write it the way I do is because I have read a ton of self help books.

When I was little and we had moved to a new place, the school bus stop was a half a block away, which was about 800 feet. With me being so full of fear that I was, I insisted that I couldn't walk down there because of fear of the big bad world. So, as a result, an extra stop was added to the bus route; right in front of my driveway.

The memory problems plague me like no end. So, I continue to write in this online way.

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