Healing a Broken,Shattered Heart

A broken heart from abandonment is one of the most painful things a human can experience. And unfortunately there's no real cure or anything you can do to just make it go away. It seems that time is the best healer for a broken heart. But once in the throes of a broken, shattered heart, there is little to bring you comfort.

When you are close to someone and love them, and then poof, they suddenly decide you don't exist anymore and you know you are no longer a part of their life, the pain is so severe you wonder how come you haven't dropped dead from the pain.
You can't go to a doctor or go to a pharmacy and get a cure for heartache. Basically, the best you can do is try to deal the best you can and pour your energy from the broken heart into something positive while waiting to see what kind of healing power time will offer.

Broken hearts make most people think of romantic love lost, but that's certainly not always the case. A broken heart can come from anyone you love who decides you are no longer good enough for them. This can be a friend or family member too.

My experience came from someone I saw as a surrogate Mom. After a harsh experience of a breakup of a relationship, I moved and became close to her. In fact she was the person who I was the closest to. I saw her as a Mom or sister and to me she really was. I didn't need similar DNA, she was my Mom or sister.

I went over and hung out at her and her husband's house a lot. We talked about different stuff and she gave me lectures and advice like a mother would her daughter. Sometimes she told me what I should or should not do.

I loved her and I knew it was more than she loved me. I mean she has her family that she's close to and a lot of friends. I'm just someone she hasn't known a long time. And I don't even know why I loved her so much but I did. I did a lot of nice things for her because I wanted to do nice things for them to make them happy.

She is a Christian woman active in church. She was very kind and loving and would share her faith with me and encourage me to get closer to God. She has a strong, unshakable faith in God. She reads devotionals and prays everyday.

And I never would have expected her to just abandon me. But that's just what she did. She abandoned me. And it still hurts. I am trying very hard to just get over it, but it still hurts.

We were close and she made an appointment for me. The night before, I went to bed early and she called and left a message. Then in the morning, I had a voicemail from that morning that said she was just going to cancel my appointment if I didn't call in next five minutes, which I didn't. And apparently to the woman who had talked about love and forgiveness, this is an unforgivable sin.
She hasn't said so much as a word to me since then. When I go to church, she avoids me like the plague. Where before, she would at least say hi, now she won't so much as look at me or say hi. She walks right past me without a word or a glance because I no longer exist in her world.

This is the woman who lectured me about not holding grudges and forgiveness. Yet she holds a mean grudge herself over practically nothing. I mean I feel like I must have murdered someone in cold blood. I mean she is a firm believer in the Bible which is big on love, kindness, and forgiveness, yet she can't show me anything of the sort.

Well, I went through major heartache and grief, which I still haven't fully recovered from. And with grief, just like in death, there is the stages you go through. There is no set rules on the stages because people grieve differently. Some people go through the stages over and over and over again before finally getting to the last stage, acceptance.

When I first saw how cold she had become, I thought it was really out of character and strange. This isn't the warm, loving Mom I knew. This was some cold hearted person in her body. Wow, she must be really pissed off. So, I thought I would give her time and she'd cool off and get back to her normal self.

Except that didn't happen. I made contact with her after I thought she had plenty of time to cool off. I tried to act like nothing happened and just be friendly. She was cordial and nice enough but distant and I knew it wasn't the same. After 2 or 3 phone calls, it was just painful to continue torturing myself because after the phone call I would be hit by a big wave of grief because the warmth she used to have was gone and I couldn't make it come back.

First it was denial. Then I realized she really did abandon me. Then I went through severe depression and sadness. Then it turned to anger. How dare she hold a grudge like that? How could she be so cold? Then it went back to sadness and despair.

I am still waiting for the final stage of acceptance. I thought I had finally reached that point. Yet one day I found myself in her presence, yet coldly ignored again. Then I felt another one of those familiar and unbearable waves of grief and cried like a baby and realized I still am not healed.

I have gone through such a wide array of emotions, most of them overwhelmingly negative. I have felt worthless because if such a Christian and loving person could abandon me like that I must be a worthless person. I have felt angry I ever met her and loved her so much. I have felt scared to get close to new people because if she abandoned me, anyone can. I have grieved over the lost closeness. I have had times when I wanted to pick up the phone and share something with her, then I realized I can't, because she kicked me out of her life. I have felt a longing to go back to when we were close and she was still my Mom.

This has hit me harder than I expected. I mean if you've been with someone 10 years and had some kids with them and they dumped you for someone else, then it would be ok to feel traumatized and hit hard. But this wasn't some romantic relationship, and I thought I would just be able to get over it quickly. That wasn't the case. I was very hard hit and have cried my eyes out more times than I can count.

I am very familiar with despair and a painful, broken, shattered heart. I know very well what broken hearted people are feeling. You wonder if you will ever "get over it" and feel better. You wonder if you really are worthless.

Nothing can cheer you up much unless your lost one will come back to you. Just a phone call. Or even a visit. An email. Anything, anything. If they would only love you again, that would make everything instantly better. Your heart would instantly heal and be filled with happiness. The color in your world would come back and life would suddenly have meaning again.

Only that doesn't happen. So your heart still hurts. You look for answers. How can I get over my broken heart? How can I stop the pain and suffering? How can I mend my broken heart?
Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. There is no cure. You can do some things to ease the symptoms, but it won't mend your heart. It won't make them love you again.

I know from experience that time heals most things. One day you will be so sad over something and think you'll never get over it, then a year later, you won't even care. I guess time is the best bet to healing your heart. The problem is, it's unbearably painful while waiting for time to do it's work.

I still have trouble grasping why such a loving, Christian woman, my surrogate Mom could just abandon me like that. I still can't comprehend how she could be so unforgivable over something so minor. I guess I never will, I just hope it will stop hurting one day.

I have found some things that ease the symptoms of a broken heart, which I will share. For the last few days, I even thought I was finally over it, until I broke down crying like an abandoned child again. So while they may make your forget for a while, it doesn't mean your heart is mended. It's not mended until it's mended.

I hope to have closure one day to this entire painful experience. One day I may write a letter to her and just put it all out there. Then at least I may feel better that she finally knows how deeply I was hurt. That may be what it takes to finally get my closure.

It's been a few painful months of feeling intense sadness, abandonment, and despair. I would guess my tears have ran up in the billions. I don't know how long this grieving process will take and I won't know until it's finally over.

I've figured out a way to deal with a broken heart and get closure.

Write a letter.

Get out a notebook, pen, and start writing. Write to the person who broke your heard. Try not to sound bitter or angry. Instead of saying "You did this and that", say "When you did this, it made me feel like this".

Don't insult them or let your anger get the best or you.

My Update:

On Christmas I wrote a 4 page letter, front and back to the person who hurt me the most. I just poured out all me feelings, let them know how sad I felt, said I felt inconsolable when they abandoned me and stopped talking to me and dropped me out of their lives.

I stated I just wanted closure and thought writing a letter was the best way to get closure.

It served 2 purposes: To give myself closure to the situation so I could move on and let them know how I feel.

I gave them the letter and a Christmas present on Christmas. They didn't even bother to give me a Christmas card, and I'm sure I'm the only person in the church they didn't give one to. They gave me one last year. That also hurt to, and made me more determined to get closure.

A few days later I got an email from them thanking me for the gifts. Then slowly but surely we got our friendship back. I'm not holding grudges and we didn't talk much about why they did what they did. It seems to be an uncomfortable topic and I don't care to talk about it.

The one thing she said was, she felt like she couldn't "help me" so she decided to "back off". I guess she didn't know how painful what she called "backing off" would be.

After 6 month of not speaking, not talking on the phone or in person, no emails, no visit, nothing, we started talking again on the phone and I started visiting them again.

I think they didn't realize how much they hurt me and now we are friends and she is my "adopted sister" again.

Swallow your pride and just pour out all of your feelings honestly. Even if you think they sound stupid, just tell the truth about how you feel and how broken your heart is.

For examples instead of saying, "You're a liar for ignoring me and I hate you," say "When you ignored me, it hurt my heart so bad, I felt sad, worthless, and cried."

It's better to just let someone go that doesn't really care than to keep yourself attached trying to trick yourself into believing they care.

I have realized the person this lens has been about doesn't care. I will call her "Sister".

Sister acted like they did at first. She did some nice things. This made me believe that she did care. I had no reason not to.

But-what happened? Did she change or is this just who she is?

Looking back I realized the majority of our "friendship" was 100% on my part and 0% on her part.

I knew this, but tried to ignore it or be positive or remember some of the nice things they did.

I was the one who called. I was the one who went over every week to cook them (her and her husband) dinner. I was the one who did some laundry for them. I'm the one who got them Christmas presents. I'm the one who offered to do whatever they wanted or needed of me.

So I had surgery recently. No big deal. So I thought. Just a tubal. I needed someone to drive me and take me home because I would be medicated of course.

She's the first person I told and asked her if she could. At first she said yes. Then later, she changed her mind and said no. She didn't want to miss any work. I had to be there at 6am.

Another family from church took me. The other lady said she would be there the entire time-about 5 hours or more for the prep, surgery, and recovery.

I said no way, you go home, do something, don't stay, you'll be bored out of your mind. She said, I'm bringing a book to read. I said, you can read your book at home. You don't want to stay at the hospital. It's so boring. She said, I'm not leaving you, you need someone with you.

Another lady from church said she was coming. I said, don't come! It's no big deal. I'll be asleep during surgery, then groggy so I won't even know you're out there. All I need is for someone to drive me there and take me home. I don't need anyone to sit outside and wait for me.

It turned out lady #1 brought me and waited until lady #2 came to relieve her and she took me to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions filled, brought me home, then went to pick up my prescriptions and bring them back to me.

Arriving at 6am, we were waiting until I was called back. Then the preacher showed up which surprised me. I didn't expect him to come or ask him to come and he never said he was. But he came and waited with us until I was called back.

After I went back and was changed into my gown and an IV put in an everything, they came back a little while waiting until I was taking to surgery. We talked some and before going back he said a prayer.

The surgery itself went fine. They put whatever medication it is in the IV then I was out like a light and woke up in the recovery room.

After the surgery, it was very painful. I didn't expect this much pain. I was given morphine and something else and didn't feel a thing. I wondered if they even really gave me medication.

When I went home, I was still in the same amount of pain. I had a tubal and learned they blow your abdomen up with gas to see your insides and that can cause severe pain and morphine does not touch gas.

I got 20 5mg. percocet pills. And they hardly help at all. They might help 10%. But my belly and back are still hurting and very sore. And on top of that I could not sleep. Taking 2 percocet every 4-6 hours, 20 doesn't last long. I'm also taking 800 mg ibuprofen every 4-6 hours. And I took some tylenol PM. I could not sleep, which is weird and only slept from 9pm-12am then was up the rest of the night and all day.

I wrote thank you cards to the people who offered support and caring.

Then I had a painful realization. The lady I call "Sister" because I told her I adopted her as my real sister long time ago, couldn't be bothered to as so much to say "how are you doing?"

Her secretary where she works, who I met through her, even emailed me to ask how I'm doing. Her secretary, who is another nice lady, but not Sister!

Sister couldn't even be bothered to send a one line email asking "How are you doing?" I mean seriously, how hard is that. Online friends who I've never met in person have said "Get well soon". She couldn't so much as be bothered to even say that.

When she had a laser surgery to remove some skin from her back, I bought her a care package with lotions and stuff and brought her dinner over. And when it's my turn to have surgery she can't so much as ask a simple how are you.

Okay that bugged me. And hurt. It was painful too. Then I started thinking how she didn't even send me a Christmas card, singling me out as the only person in church who didn't get one from her.

Then I remembered how it's always me doing the contacting, the calling, never her. How it's always me giving her gifts and doing stuff for her, and how one sided this Sister relationship is.

Am I asking for too much? Is it too much to think my adopted sister would call or email to say how are you? Even her secretary emailed me as I said before and she couldn't bother.

Did she forget what I did for her when she had her surgery? I never even expected her to bring me any food-even though I need some-but I would have been very satisfied with a simple how are you and would not have even thought of letting go.

She just doesn't care. She used to or could pretend she cared to look nice or maybe it seemed like the right thing for a self professed Christian to do. But there's nothing there on the inside. She cares only about herself and her real, biological family. She's just never there for anyone else. Since I'm not blood related to her, she doesn't care. She babies her own adult kids, but doesn't have anything left for anyone else, no matter what they do.

I don't think I ask or expect too much. Someone tell me if I am. I just want someone who cares and who can show it every now and then.

I thought about what these other people did, without being asked, and she didn't do a single thing, utter a single word.

So it turns out I have decided to just let go.

She has caused me more than enough pain and tears already. So I say Enough!

She just happened to enter my life at a very vulnerable time and act nice and do some nice things that touched me and she always ended conversations with I love you. I thought what a loving, nice, person.

But that was then. She's not the same.

I adopted her as my sister and told everyone who would listen, this is my sister! When she would introduce me as a friend from church I would give her a look and say "No, Sister!" and joke with the person she was embarrassed of me and likes to keep it secret.

The people you let in closest to your heart have the power to hurt you the most and Sister has caused me so much heart ache and pain that I can't even understand.

One sided relationships are not healthy.

I have decided to let go.

She will no longer be able to cause me any more pain.

With that decision of letting go, I feel a sense of freedom. It's a little sad as well, but that's the way it is.

I mean after everything I've done for her, after me having surgery and being in a lot of pain and she can't so much as bother to say how are you, while I went way above and beyond just a how are you for her surgery, was the final straw. The straw that broke the camel's back.

I am letting go.

I will no longer call her or talk to her or email her. I will no longer go to her house. I will no longer cook dinner for her. I will not do her laundry or offer to do whatever she needs. I will no longer buy gifts for her. I was going to throw her and her husband their birthday parties this Summer but I will not do that either.
I am letting go.

I will only be friends with people where it's not a one sided friendship.

You just get to a point where you say enough is enough.

Whether it's a broken marriage, engagement, or friendship, when you've been dumped, it always hurts no matter the circumstance.

Personally, I have talked about a friendship, but more than a friendship more like a sister or mom relationship. It seems to me more people are hurt by failed romances and marriages, but no matter the type of relationship it hurts and it hurts badly.

In the beginning of our friendship she was so nice and caring. She was a true friend. But she changed. Or maybe that's just the way she is-to be all nice and loving at first and then act like you never existed. I don't know why she changed if that's what it was.

I have done so much for her and spent way more money on gifts for her than I could even afford. But I didn't care about money, friendship, love, relationships are way more important. Besides that I've done so much for her and it's like I haven't done anything for her. And that hurts too. I've offered before to help her with anything like errands, cooking, cleaning and I meant it. I've cooked and done laundry for the family.

In the beginning she did a few things for me to, nice gestures. But then it just stopped.

Well everyone goes through some relationship that failed but it doesn't make it any easier knowing that.

Women get dumped by their husbands who run off with a younger, prettier woman.

Men find out their wives are cheating on them with their friend.

A bride to be, so happy about her upcoming wedding suddenly gets dumped.

A wife who's been married for 30 years finds her husband has become cold, distant and mean.

Two people who have been friends for their whole life go different ways and one friend gets a new group of friends, a new life and stops all communication.

It happens.

Everyone gets hurt, everyone gets a broken heart.

There are also those horrid "fair weather friends" who will only be your friend when things are nice and going good. Then as soon as you need anything, they're long gone.

There's the "fake" friends who say nice things but don't mean a word of it.

And there's the "users". The friends are are only around when you are offering something. When they get something for free, a free ride, free this or that. As soon as you're not handing them free stuff they're gone.

So in the end everyone's heart will get broken at one time or another leaving them wondering why with no good answers.It's impossible to tell who will hurt you, you just never know.

I know I would have never imagined that I would have gone through so much pain from someone who was so loving, caring, nice, friendly, and a Christian. But it happened.

But there are real friends out there who aren't fair whether, fakes, or users and won't suddenly just dump you, leaving you dumbfounded and hurt. You wonder did they change or is something wrong with you?

Move on from the heart breakers and when you find a "TRUE" friend, cherish them, keep them, and never take them for granted.

Like I said, there is no cure for a broken heart, but there are things you can do to help take your mind off the pain for a while, to temporarily forget about your suffering, and to make the most out of such a painful, difficult, intensely sad experience.

1) Alien abduction videos- I have found I totally forget about my broken heart while I'm watching alien abduction documentaries. This is interesting stuff. I mean sane, reliable, honest people who have never had an interest in science-fiction or aliens are adamant they had a terrifying experience being abducted by aliens. Here's a url for a good one:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-196566585621115652&ei=oX_kSMewIpKYrQLU4pmhCw&q=alien+abductions

2) Use your energy from your pain into something productive- I am using the energy from my intense pain from my broken heart to pour into writing. A broken heart gives you a lot of energy. You can use it for crying, suffering, and thinking or you can pour your energy into something else. For me, it's writing, walking, and cleaning. It can be anything such as working, exercising, a hobby, playing music, writing, studying, etc.

3) Pour yourself into work. This kind of goes with #2. Sometimes it's good to be a workaholic, because if you are a workaholic, you are too busy to be thinking about your broken heart. This is basically to keep you so busy that your mind can't obsess over your broken heart and love lost.

4) Pray. Sometimes when people go through such a difficult thing, they turn to God for help. A lot of people forget about God when things are good. Pray for healing, comfort and to be surrounded by God's love. Sometimes knowing there's a bigger picture out there than our suffering heart, and there is a master plan, that brings comfort in believing in a happy ending.

5) Read a good book and get absorbed in it.

6) Exercise. This can be a good one. Wear yourself out exercising and then you are too exhausted to cry your eyes out.

7) This brings temporary relief- Pour your heart out to someone who listens. It brings temporary relief to just get a burden off of your chest. Go to someone who will listen and cry, talk, pour your heart out, just get it out. Tell them what happened and how you feel. They might offer some good advice, they may offer a hug, or they may just have sympathetic listening ears.

I've already made a list of many things to do to try to make your heart better and dull the pain a little bit.

These are not anything new from that list, but here are 2 things I have found works the best.

First let me say a broken, shattered, heart must run it's course. You will have to go through the natural grieving process just like someone died. There is no way to 100% avoid that, but there is also no sense in letting the pain last longer than it absolutely has to.

#1- The first thing is STAYING BUSY!!!! Sitting around thinking about why, why, why will only make matters worse. Don't sit at home crying wondering what you did wrong, what you could have or should have done differently or wondering why they had to change or do what they did.

Here are ways to stay busy-
WORK! Work, work, work. Work your regular job (if you have one). Work at home. Clean. Even scrubbing the bathroom will take your mind off the pain. Cleaning will get you thinking about getting rid of dirt, trash, clutter, germs, and messes so your mind will be occupied with something besides painful memories and questions. Plant a garden. Pain your walls. Go on a cleaning frenzy. Clean the baseboards and places that people won't even notice. Volunteer. Go to a nursing home and volunteer with the elderly people. Helping lonely people will also help yourself as well as them. Take up a hobby. Learn to crochet, paint, build websites, garden, something! The more energy it takes the better.

And the best of staying busy is EXERCISE! Exercise is healthy! It helps your heart and pumps blood throughout your body. It releases anger and frustration. If you can afford it join a gym. Take a kickboxing class. Join an aerobics or a fast paced dance class. Go on walks. Go on jogs. Weight lift. After exercising a good, long workout, you will be so exhausted, it will help you go to sleep, you will feel better and you won't have the energy to think about your pain.

#2-Faith! Faith and prayer has helped me! Reading "Hugs from Heaven" has helped tremendously. I read the story about the leper that no one would come near. But Jesus let the leper near him. The leper said, "You can heal me if you are willing." And Jesus said, "I am willing." He touched the leper and the leper was healed.

Then I thought if God healed the leper surely he will heal me too. I prayed to God, "God if you are willing, please heal me."

Through reading scripture I felt I had a purpose in life. Even if I was unworthy enough for "her", I will was still worthy enough for God and he would never leave me or abandon me. And I needed someone who would never leave or abandon me. I felt God had created me, he had a purpose for me, and he loved me, which reduced my crying and pain.

I learned to stop leaning on PEOPLE and lean on GOD instead. People will hurt you. God won't.

I listened to encouraging music mainly from K-LOVE. I bought 2 CD's, Chris Tomlin's Arriving and Michael W. Smith's cd. I listened to "Your Grace is Enough For Me" and found out the writer of the song wrote it during a very low point in his life. The song is very upbeat and encouraging and made me feel better. I love Michael Smith's songs "Breathe" and the one that goes "You're all I want, You're all I've ever needed. You're all I want. Help me know you are here." I listened to Chris Tomlin and Michael W. Smith's songs over and over. While listening and singing along I literally felt my pain go away and only thought about God.

When your heart is broken, it's almost like there is no more meaning to life. It's like little matters aside from healing your broken heart.

Whether you were dumped by a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, whether you were betrayed by someone you trusted, or abandoned by a loved one, it hurts like hell.

Time is the best healer.

Sometimes after enough time passes you don't even care anymore and are so over it. Other times, it leaves a big scar that hurts occasionally if the scar is picked at, but at least it doesn't hurt all the time.

The hardest part is waiting for time to do it's thing. So the best thing you can do is try to keep your mind busy on productive or positive things until time helps to heal the pain of your broken heart.