Healing From Affairs

Get news, sales and resources delivered directly to your Inbox with the Healing From Affairs Newsletter!



Sign up today!

You are not alone in your pain and you CAN heal and get past the pain. If you are recovering from an affair, please visit the beyondaffairs.com for your local BAN coordinator for dates, times and locations of your local support group. http://www.beyondaffairs.com/BAN/cities.htm#usa

It's a very interesting question that popped in my head while watching a documentary of the Holocaust of all things even though I cannot in anyway compare an affair to the horrible taking of 6 million jews.  But what caught my attention was when a surrvivor, Eva, was able to forgive the Germans and especially Dr, Mengele for what they had done as part of her healing process. She said it set her free and gave her the power back.

I watched that documentary two days ago and it has stuck with me and rasied the question, is forgivness a way to heal?  I know that I myself cannot forgive my ex husband, and I'm not sure I ever will, but I feel healed.  But I know of many people who healed, forgave and have stronger marriages today or even left and have more fulfilling lives on their own.  I feel fulfilled in my life without forgiving, must I forgive though?

I'm not sure what the answer is, but Eva made some very good arguments about what forgivness means to her and she said it means that they no longer cause pain to her soul, and that by forgiving the Germans it set her soul free.  Am I capable of forgivness?  My exhusbands betrayal was the ultimate and there are many things about his affair that are unforgivable - he left my children and i for this woman.  For months prior he couldn't look at me, touch me, talk to me, sleep in the same room as me, yet he could share the most intimate of things that should only be shared with your wife or partner.  To me, that's unforgivable, but I healed from it.  I no longer feel pain, but at times I do feel anger, but I cope.

Would you forgive?  Have you forgiven and has it affected your healing processes?  I would love to hear comments about the subject of forgiveness.  Feel free to comment, and I welcome ALL comments - I'm not one to judge since healing is an individual process.

Tam

The lies keep adding up to make more distance betwen us
Not knowing which to ones to believe this time
The thought of you touching her when I had excuses
Leads me to believe that this love has died

And my heart just won't mend
And I can't pretend
That I'll ever love you the same again

To you, the last little note I leave
I'm moving on to be the person I deserve to be
And if that leaves you in my wake
So be it, because to you
This note's a little late .....

After a while the pain will have to ease
No one's died of a broken heart that I know
But maybe there's a first time for everything, babe
But I won't take it lying down - oh no

To you, the last little note I leave
I'm moving to be the person I deserve to be
And if that leaves you in my wake
So be it, because to you
This note's a little late .....

I want this Lens to be about healing and not reliving the affair over and over again. But my story is one of strength and my testimonial. I know there are so many men and women out there that can relate to my story and I hope that you will find healing through some of my story.

My husband and I have been together since 1999, but didn't get married until May of 2008. We have 4 children together and our relationship have had their ups and downs, mostly due to his tendency to withdraw, be non-communicative and irresponsible with the family finances. There were issues of affairs with him before we got married, and we actually did separate a couple of times in our first 9 years together. There were 3 affairs by him before we got married and then one not even a year after we married. One I was a series of internet flings with women that I busted him on when he forgot to close his chat window before going to bed one night. The other two he adamantly denies, but all of the behaviors that were present for the internet flings and the most recent affair were there - I saw the signs then and asked him if he was cheating and he always said no. But, I have enough proof and "woman's intuition" to know that the two times he denies were there.

Anyway - when we got married it was suppose to be our new beginning. I was willing to put the past behind us (I was 4 years into healing from his previous escapades). We took our vows and I believed everything he said. He was going to change, he was going to start therapy, he would be faithful, this is our new beginning together and it's only me he wants. A few months after our wedding, once again his old behaviors began to creep back in. He became withdrawn, obsessed with browsing on his computer, would not communicate with me, started sleeping on the couch, showed no affection, stopped contributing financially to the household. - all of the behaviors that caused problems before we got married. He didn't go to therapy like he had promised. At the time I was dealing with a chronic illness so it became very hard for me to tolerate his behavior, plus work to support our family and deal with my health. I'll admit, I put up with it for a few months, but I wrote letters to him, tried to talk to him, begged him to do something to save our marriage and nothing I said or did snapped him out of it.

After New Years of 2009 I gave him an ultimatum. Change or I want a divorce because I just can't take it anymore. By then I was on an effective treatment for my disease but trying to cope with his behavior was still too much when I was the only one supporting our family of 6 (he did work, but his money was gone before he got paid). My thinking was that if any wife goes to her husband and says "I Want A Divorce" that it would make them go "Whoa! I better do something" and I guess that's what I thought he would do. But after a few weeks, it only got worse. I made a decision to not let his negativity affect me anymore and started socializing with our friends without him more often since they are a great support ring for me and are great with surrounding me with positive ju-ju.

A few weeks before Valentines day, I stayed the night at our friends' house (another married couple that my husband and I are very close to) because it became to hurtful to be in the house with him. That was a Friday night. Saturday morning I came home and he was sitting at my kitchen table and and he announced that he was moving out. His bags were already packed and ready to go. I was shocked because we had not talked to the children about it, I wasn't prepared yet with how to deal with all of my doctors appointments around my work and the children. I hadn't even gone grocery shopping! He just up and left.

The next day I had to call him (a couple of times) to see if he could watch the kids so that my friend could take me grocery shopping. After being up all night crying, I wasn't strong enough to shop alone. He did come out to the house and sit with the children, the whole time sitting at the kitchen table looking like I was the one hurting him. He blamed me for his moving out and even told the kids that I was the one doing this - more to add to my confusion. But I went grocery shopping anyway and for the next few weeks I did what I could to cope with the situation, talked with the children a lot, tried to process everything, work, do what I had to do. Instead of shuffling the children back and forth on the weekends, my husband would come to the house for his weekends and I would stay at my friends' house. But during the week and especially at night when I would try to call him, he would never answer his cell. When I asked why he would say "I must have fallen asleep and didn't hear the phone" . One night - I decided to check his e-mail online, I just had that feeling. Low and behold, he had changed his password.

So - by then Valentine's Day had arrived and gone - not even a hello or anything from him on Valentine's Day. Then, suddenly out of the blue 2 days after Valentine's Day I get a dozen roses from him and an e-mail asking for our family doctor's number, that he wants to go into therapy. He also started e-mailing about how he can change, he still loves me, etc. He did go to a therapy session the next week and then he and his therapist asked if I would attend the next therapy meeting in a few weeks. I said that I would, but not as his wife, as the mother of his children since he needs to be well for them. Then - the bombshell.

The last weekend of February was his weekend with the children, so I stayed at our friends' Friday night and came home Saturday morning to get some things for an outing my friends' and I were going to that night. Friday night he had a conversation with me about his first therapy session and had mentioned that his therapist said that we shouldn't have sexual relations with anyone right now while we're going through this - yeah - like I had planned to do just that. I assured him that I wasn't interested in having sex with anyone, that I was trying to heal from the break up and then I asked if he had. He said that he had gone on a date, but no sex (and he looked me in the eye). But Saturday, just before I left to go back to our friends' house so he could have the rest of his weekend with the children, he approaches me in the laundry room and says he need to tell me something. I still remember his exact words:

"The old me would not tell you this, but I need to tell you that I did sleep with that woman"

To make a long story short - yes - he did sleep with this woman while he was moved out, but this affair actually started weeks before he suddenly packed up and moved out. He signed up on two singles-dating websites (as divorced) and sought out single women. He says he was just looking for someone to talk to, but you don't sign up for (and pay $40 / month) a singles-dating site AND select a woman who says right in her profile that she's looking for an intimate relationship - especially when you haven't been intimate with your wife in over 6 months.

I was devastated! I think I could have handled it had it all happened after he left - but after reading the messages, e-mails text messages, talking to the other woman and knowing that I paid his cell bill while he was up all night talking to her when he couldn't be bothered to answer my call - I realized that the reason he moved out was so he could be with her. Instead of saying "I want to fix our marriage" he found another woman, developed a relationship with her, lied to her, slept with her and then only after that did he decide he wanted his wife after all.

Initially, after the disclosure, we did therapy and he was diagnosed with Bipolar Type II and I decided to give him one more chance thinking that the Bipolar explained a lot and that if he would seek treatment and work on our marriage the way we need to, then I would be willing to make the marriage work. The first few months we made a lot of progress. There were a lot of tears, but we were closer than we had been in 8 years. He was working his therapy, I was working on my healing and then slowly but surely after a few months, his old behaviors began to return again, he stopped working his therapy and stopped trust-building. I was back to begging him to snap out of it, my healing stopped, the anger of the affair began to sink back in and I got stuck. Meanwhile my disease relapsed and by Christmas of 2009 I had enough.

So where am I today? Today I am better. I still have good and bad days, both from the illness and the end of my marriage. I've decided to end my marriage and have told my husband so. Right now, he's unemployed but when he's financially able he will be moving out. I'm going to proceed on with my healing alone and I'm OK with that. I've come to terms with the marriage and now I just need to process and rebuild my trust in people, faith in myself and I know I will get there. I became active in a support network last year and have returned to that network to start again. I have the strength and I will be pain free one day, I know I will if I want it. He can go on and do what he needs to do for him, and we will parent together for now and we're civil to each other. With each day, there's less pain now. Whether you are healing alone or working to rebuild your marriage - hope is there if you want it bad enough. It is possible to get beyond the pain. It is possible to heal and I know one day I will be able to say I'm healed and I can trust again and I am the woman I was before the affair.

Thank you for reading my "book". I didn't realize how long it was! And it's not even the whole story LOL WOW!

After moving on I rekindled with an old flame, which was probably too soon for me.  It was nice while it lasted, but out of the blue this past Saturday, he broke up with me without any real explanation as to why.  He wasn't making sense when he was giving his reasons so I'll probably never have closure on that.  What hurts the most is that he brought his daughter and my boys into the relationship.  After the break up, it put me about 4 steps back in my healing process.  I truly felt that he was mending my broken heart just to shatter it again.

I'll admit - I cried the whole night but the next day I took the time to go back to BAN and re-evaluate.  Just as I was able to mend after my husband, I will mend from this.  My trust in people may be back to 0, but eventually I'll learn to trust again.

Until then, I will continue to work on myself by myself and stay away from the dating scene until I feel that I am 100% healed.  I will continue to work on recovering and getting my disease under control.  I will continue to read BAN articles, work with the teleseminars and work with the BAN support groups.

I'll update you again soon - until then, hang in there and live for YOU.

Your supportive friend,

Tamra

Do you find that you get "stuck" now and then. Yeah, me, too. It doesn't help that ever other commercial is a single's site ad. Bit I'd say I'm about 75% there as far as the healing. I can now watch a match.com commercial and not cry. When I think about that night I don't cry. I don't get angry at him anymore - about the affair anyway. I'm still angry about his moving out without notice to be with her, leaving me with 4 children. I think the only pain I have left now is getting over the e-mails and messages and the things she said on the phone that her and my husband did and talked about. That's the 25% left - but I will get over it, I think it's just going to take a long time.

I just hope I'm strong enough - which as stubborn as I am, I'm sure I am. But when you're dealing with a chronic disease on top of it, it's a little harder to be the b%&*ch I should be.

What about you? Anyone else stuck that can give me some advice here?

Some people told me it took them 6 years, others said they were able to heal in no time at all.  My own personal journey led me on the path of healing alone, and since leaving my husband my healing has gone much better.  I can honestly say that when I think of his affairs I no longer feel the anger and pain that I once did.  I still have harsh feelings towards his betrayal, but it's more about the lies that continued after the affair than the affair itself.

Infidelity

So - it's been another 3 months into my healing, I've stayed as active with BAN as much as I can - but I finally moved out of my husbands house (me and the boys) and for a month was without much internet.  I did find me and the boys a small apartment in the same town, starting over again on my own, but I feel great.  I feel like I've lost 170 pounds!  Even though I still struggle with my disease and being a single parent of 4 growing boys, not having that constant reminder of all the affairs walking around my house helps and allows me to concentrate even more on my healing.

I started a stress management course through a local organization to help me put my life back together again.  This will be the 4th time, but this time it's for good.  I still have trust issues and I still have to work on myself before I feel like I'll be whole again, but this last month alone I've made tremendous progress.  My disease is better controlled now that I don't have the stress of my husband, and I've filed for divorce.  My husband and I will be doing 50/50 custody which will give me every other week to attend my support groups for my disease and work on my healing even more.

My future is hopeful and luckily I'm surrounded by friends that are very supportive and encouraging, plus my boys are my biggest inspiration - they hang in there with me every step of the way.

It IS possible to heal, and healing is individual.  I encourage you to utilize the Beyond Affairs Network - they are my lifeline and offer articles, teleseminars, conferences and retreats that help both couples that stay together and couples that separate - whether married or not.

I'll update you again soon - until then, hang in there and live for YOU.

Your supportive friend,

Tamra

Many who heal alone do eventually try again with someone new - whether it's just a friends with benefits, dating or a new serious relationship - many of us find the strength to move on and not carry our old baggage with us. I'm just speaking from experience here, in this article, because I had just a "seeing each other" relationship that ended out of the blue and it triggered everything from my old marriage - the untrusting, the betrayed feeling - all of it. I really had to work and am still working on not grouping my ex-boyfriend with my ex-husband because they are two different people.

So what do you do if you try to move on and it doesn't work out but the old feelings are triggered? You go back to what you learned through the process the first time. You tell yourself that not all future partners are going to be like your ex. Make sure you are 100% healed before even starting into a new potential relationship. Surround yourself with the support of friends and families. Stay away from romantic movies and opt for comedies instead (works wonders!). Work on yourself and don't think that you have to have a companion in your life - you can enjoy life without a partner. Oh - and stay away from all those sappy sad love songs - the day he broke up with me I was driving home and "No Air" came on and then the tears came ... oooofta!

I for one am OK with friends with benefits, because there's no strings attached. Face it - men and women do have needs and it's nice to have that kind of companionship with a friend and have those needs met. If you get to a point you feel that you are strong enough to try the dating scene - don't look at it like everyone out there is a cheater - look at the person for who THEY are, not what your ex is or was. If that progresses into something more serious, take your time and be open about your past feelings that way your new partner can understand the pain from your past and can learn more about the inner you and what you had to overcome to even face a new relationship. You don't have to remarry tomorrow - or ever again for that matter. You can take your time, take things slow and really get to know your new partner.

If something should happen and the relationship ends - don't treat the healing process the same (unless the relationship ended due to an affair). Treat it as another life experience and learn from it. They are not mistakes, they are only mistakes if you don't learn from them.

My own situation, I opted to date someone I was close with. I thought we had just a simple "seeing each other" relationship, but somehow he had it in his mind that it was something it wasn't. One day he just ended it out of the blue - no warning no nothing. I'll admit I was devastated because he was the last person in my life I ever thought would abandon me, and I was wrong. I was also upset because he included his children and mine in our relationship so when he broke up with me, my younger boys' hearts were broken. To this day I don't think he understands the impact that had. He said "I still want to be friends and be in your life" but then doesn't talk to me. I even asked for a 2nd chance or a friends with benefits because I'll admit - I miss him horribly - but - he still doesn't talk to me so I'm going to heal and move on. So far I've been able to get past the abandoned and betrayed feelings, I've done well with that. There's still pain when I think of the memories of our time together, but time heals all wounds and in time, that pain will be gone, too.

I've learned that from now on I will have to be more cautious and yes, I am much more untrusting than before, and I will not include my children in any relationship. So - that makes it my life experience and not a mistake.

I hope this helps a little, I know just writing about it I feel better.

You CAN heal, it IS possible.

Love, Tam

Whether you're healing alone or working on your marriage we all have those times where we feel like we are just not moving in our healing. It happens. I doesn't mean that you're failing or that your attempts aren't working, it just means that there's something going on in your life that is halting your healing temporarily (and yes, it is only temporary). I know in my own case, I was stuck for 5 months before I figured out why. In my case it was my husband's lack of commitment to the process that halted my progress. He would say he was committed but when it came down to the work, he just wasn't as committed as I was. So I made the decision to separate and divorce, and once I did that, my healing picked right back up and I began to make progress, better progress than before.

So, if you're feeling stuck, first you need to figure out why. Sometimes it's as simple as distractions like work, school, children, commitments you've already made to others (team mom, coaching, things like that). Maybe it's just you're a little burnt out on constant work on the marriage and need a break. Maybe your partner is putting off signals that he's not sure he wants to work on it.

The best thing to do would be to sit down with your partner and talk to him about it, and tell him your stuck. He might be there, too, or have some insight for you. I would, though, begin the conversation by saying that you need him to be 100% honest with you in this conversation that way if it is him (like it was in my case) you've already asked him to be honest.

Then, after you know why you're stuck, you can make the decisions that are best for you to continue your healing and you'll see the progression begin again. In my case it was immediate, but for others it can take a little longer. Where there's a will there's a way. In some cases, the people don't want to be unstuck, they want to play the victim for as long as they can and that does them no good, it does their family no good and it sure does nothing for a partner willing to commit to the process.

At the end of the day it's still your decision, and your heart, mind and soul will guide you to that decision.

Good luck - I know you can do it!

Recovering a relationship from an affair takes a lot of work, patience, communication and time. Both the betrayed and the betrayer must be 100% committed to rebuilding the relationship, creating a new foundation, replacing bad memories with good memories and putting effort into rebuilding the trust that was lost through the affair.

One of the biggest problems many couples face is that one may be 100% committed while the other may not. One thing you must understand is that you cannot make the uncommited partner participate in healing and rebuilding - they have to be willing on their own. No amount of begging, pleading, crying or fighting is going to make them want to change. Believe you me, because I was in the same situation and finally came to the realization that he was not committed and I couldn't make him commit, so I made the decision to heal alone instead. Once I made that decision I felt a ton of weight and stress just lift off me.

What does it take to rebuild a relationship?

* Trust Rebuilding - the betrayer must open everything and is not entitled to privacy. The betrayed must have access to all cell phones, emails, computer histories, schedules - everything. The betrayer must also offer any information, no matter how insignificant they think it may be, it is VERY important in trust rebuilding. They have to earn their trust and privacy.
* Communication - the only way the betrayed will be able to process, heal and move on is to talk about it until there is no longer pain associated with the memory. This will take a lot of patience on the part of the betrayer, but they have to understand that they are the ones that caused this.
* A Connection - something that is still there - love, a spark, chemistry, something that the two of you can still feel is there, it's just been damaged (heart broken).

Those are part of what make the foundation of a relationship, and without a foundation you have nothing to rebuild your relationship on. If you have those things or both of you are willing to re-establish those things in order to rebuild your relationship, I say go for it. If both of you are 100% committed to working on it - save your relationship.

If one of you is not willing to rebuild the foundation in order to have something to rebuild your relationship, I say cut your losses and leave to heal alone. It's not as hard as you think. The first few weeks are pretty hard - I will be honest, but it does get better. And like I said, once I made my decision, the mental weight came off and I was able to progress in my healing where I had been stuck begging, pleading, crying for 6 months.

So I'm healing along - that may not be for you just as working on my marriage wasn't for me - but if you have found the strength to work on your relationship and come out better because of it, I applaud you. It is harder to stay than it is to go and you deserve a gold medal.

Everything I'm learning, I've learned from th Beyond Affairs Network, and I encourage you to visit them at http://www.beyondaffairs.com - without them I would still be balled up in a corner somewhere crying LOL

Thanks for listening and hang in there - you WILL get through this!

It seems impossible at first., the whether or not you decide to keep the marriage or end it - if you work at it, little by little each day the pain will be less and less. I' about 40% there myself. I stay away from triggers when I can and I remind myself each day that I am a good person. I attend my support groups and stay in contact with my support. I journal. If I get stuck- I reach out to someone in my support group for help.
I read (and reread) the BAN articles and listen to the teleseminars. There is a way out. I invite you to visit us as at the BAN website and find a local support group for your area - you don't have to do this alone. We're all in this together. I get my moments of clarity with a bubble bath or I pamper myself in some way, shape or form because I deserve it. I get my clarity, I purge my thoughts, and I usually choose an uplifting aromatherapy to lift my spirit, too.

BAN Main Site

BAN
Articles

BAN Support
Groups

I would love to hear some of your stories of being betrayed and add them to my lens and my blog ( http://healingfromaffairs.blogspot.com/ ). I know it's opening your private life for the world to see, but it also helps in not only your healing, but others' healing too. I know it takes a lot of courage to open up to complete strangers, but I can promise first names only or you can even use an alias. I just think it would be beneficial for us to hear how you reacted to finding out about the affair, how you were able to heal and overcome, if you kept your marriage or divorced.

Thanks in advance to anyone who is willing to participate. Feel free to e-mail your story to tamra@iwannagetwell.com - your e-mail information will remain confidential and your privacy protected.

Understanding the Divorce Cycle

How does parental divorce affect children? This is the first book to focus exclusively on the relationship between growing up in a divorced family and offspring behavior in romantic relationships. Nicholas Wolfinger examines the effects of parental divorce on marriage timing and stability, mate selection and cohabiting relationships.

Make sure to stop by my Healing From Affairs blog for more support & resources for healing ...