HEFFALUMP HEADQUARTERS

To dispel the notion that a heffalump is a figment of one's imagination, we consulted a boffo blatherologist by the name of Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, (Ph.D., Professor of Piffle at the world-renowned "Creative Loafing Institute", Dean of Dweebs at the critically acclaimed "Lemming Institute of Leadership", and Adjunct Professor Emeritus of Arcane Anti-Matter at the "University of the Bleeding Obvious") to separate fact from fiction.

"A.A. Milne may have invented two nature-loving nincompoops named "Pooh" and "Piglet", (who set out on a brave adventure to trap a heffalump), but history revealed that no heffalumps were ever caught. Clearly the very best these two intrepid tikes could do was to go to sleep counting them.

The fact that "Piglet" and "Pooh" not to mention hordes heffalump hunters tromped far too long around Hundred Acre Wood, swamps, and landfills looking for these elusive, enigmatic animals without success, is no reason to suggest that heffalumps do not exist.

The Bible states that when Noah built an ark to escape from chaos, calamity and cosmic conflagration, he invited all manner of beasts both big and small to board two by two. I can assure you that he had oodles of room for a handful of heffalumps on this ship of lost souls and wet wunderkins.

Just because no one has ever seen a hefflump with the naked eye (or with a pair of rose colored glasses for that matter), does not mean that it is the creation of a very twisted mind.

Like rare sightings of the "White Buffalo" on the Great Plains of America during troubling times, a heaven-sent heffalump will surely emerge from its hidey hole and manifest itself to the right people at the right time.

Meanwhile, those with good hearts, a keen sense of humor, and an abiding faith in flights of fancy that also turn into reality, should keep their eyes peeled for a happy heffalump waving at them from behind a bush, a tall tree trunk, or perhaps a delightfully decorated mailbox."

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Note 1: For more information about a heffalump (said to be an elephant-like animal), please consult A.A. Milne's fictional version.

Note: 2: For the Disney version, please see "Pooh's Heffalump Movie" and Heff a nice day!

Note 3: Heffalumps do not wear big letters on their chests like Superman.

Have you seen a "heffalump"? How would I know one if I bumped into one? Where does it usually hang out? Does it like "comfort food"? Does it have any friends?

If you've pondered these pithy questions over the years and never found the answers, here are a few helpful hints about heffalumps.

Description: Heffalumps come in all shapes, sizes and colors. Guide books often describe them as elephant-shaped, but that fact has been disputed by scientists who can't get their act together long enough to give it a proper latin name let alone agree on whether it's technically a "beast of burden".

Further Details: Heffalumps are often feared by residents of "The 100 Acre Woods", (but not by folks like Prince Valiant, Superman or Spiderwoman who from time to time may frequent a forest or two for a bit of fresh air and fun.)

Habitat/Address: 100 Acre Woods. Rarely seen by mortals but often mistaken by munchkins as mumbling monsters who lie in wait beneath their beds at night.

Best Friend: The Woozle.

Favorite Expression: "Heffa Nice Day!"

Favorite Thing to Do: Steal honey.

Favorite Food: Pooh Bear's Honey (no, that's not his sweetheart or honeybun).

Greatest Fear: Giant mice.

What Carly Simon Has To Say About Heffalumps:

THE HORRIBLY HAZARDOUS HEFFALUMPS! - LYRICS

Everyone knows what a Heffalump's like
It's got fiery eyes and a tail with a spike
With claws on it's paws
That are sharp as a tack
And wing-a-ma-things coming out of it's back

Excuse me,
What's a Heffalump?

Everyone knows what a Heffalump's like
It's got fiery eyes and a tail with a spike
With claws on it's paws
That are sharp as a tack
And wing-a-ma-things coming out of it's back

If truth be told, a heffalump is a shy sort of creature and not known to suffer fools gladly. Heffalumps have a happy disposition and more often than not laugh at the drop of a hat besides keeping their hidey holes neat as a pin, unlike their close cousins, "NowWhattian boghogs", who do a lot of griping, grunting and galumphing about while making a general mish mash of anything they touch. (Note: Unlike heffalumps, boghogs prefer creating a wretched mess and muddle of everything that happens in the universe, such as ensuring that it rained cats and dogs forever on the "Hingefreel people of Arkintoofle Minor who tried to build spaceships that were powered by bad news").

For those who want "nothing but the facts ma'am", there's one pristine, pass-the-buck blogger in Mommyland who says that heffalumps are even known to pass wind occasionally.

"H" is for "heffalump", and in case you haven't got a clue what it is, there are over 553,000 web pages devoted to it!

To narrow down just exactly what is a heffalump, let alone whether it's happy, here are a few hints:

-- It's the subject of a sideline adventure featuring another fine fantastical creature called a woozle, written by A.A. Milne called "Winnie the Pooh".

-- It's the star of a Disney production titled, "Pooh's Heffalump Movie".

-- It's the name of a co-operative pre-school.

-- It's a timely topic written about by Professor Peter Kilby entitled, "Hunting the Heffalump", followed by another munchkin mortarboard, David Burnett, who called his piece of puffery, "Hunting for Heffalumps - The Supply of Entrepreneurship and Development". E. Cools, and H. Van Den Broeck couldn't wait to dash another sequel about elusive entrepreneurs called "Hunting the Heffalump: Can Trait and Cognitive Characteristics Predict Entrepreneurial Orientation". And if that's not enough, we've even got Hunting the Knowledge 'Heffalump' by a consultant no less, Rod Dilnutt.

-- It's the name of a web design and print company called "Heffalump Design".

-- It's the name of an instrument located in a nuclear reactor building in the U.S. Met Lab (circa 1945).

-- If you want to know what to feed this crazy critter you can't see, the answer is "Rumpledoodles", (aka Heffalump Cookies silly!)

-- It's a crazy cartoon character appearing on the side of a kid's lunchbox carrying case.

-- It's something you can refer to when any other logical explanation won't suffice like, "If your daddy blows the family fortune on hunting a heffalump, you don't blame the heffalump for not existing, do you?"

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NOTE: For those who have an appreciation of wit, wonk and maybe a warped mind or two, please consult this gem: "Pathology in the Hundred Acre Wood: a neurodevelopmental perspective on A.A. Milne".

Here is a happy heffalump hunter starting out on a jocular journey to capture an unique ungulate never seen before, (which could pose a problem especially if one is not sure whether it's a friend or a foe).

Note the enthusiasm with which our hero maintains his balance on a rather fine steed whilst tooting his own horn, (a marvellous feat considering the fact that his only equestrian experience was on a merry-go-round hobby horse).

While heffalump hunting is oodles of fun and frolic most of the time, it can also be dangerous to one's health.

As is clearly shown in the image to the right, heffalump hidey holes can be a tad hazardous to the life of an unsuspecting happy-go-lucky heffalump hunter.

Life Lesson 42: Beware of things that go bump in the night.

Well, as you've probably guessed from the previous snippet, our hero, (the happy heffalump hunter), suffered an untimely demise.

The only good thing that happened on an otherwise bleak beastly adventure was our hero's arrival in heaven. The bad news is, he was greeted by a dreadful-sounding marching band and its moth-eaten mascot, a distinctly hideous-looking heffalump named "Horace" (illustrated above).

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is HEFFALUMP, (not a herd of them mind you...one will do thank you very much).

Last year you brought me a hippopotamus, (which makes me think you can't spell or you've got a pretty poor sense of humor). Let's get one thing straight...I only want a HEFFALUMP, get that!!

The year before I found a white elephant wandering around in the living on Christmas morning. Like what am I supposed to do with it besides join a circus? How many times do I have to tell you, I want a HEFFALUMP and that's all there is to it!

Time to get with the program Santa or I'll be obliged to 1) call on the competition, "Sinterklass & Friends", 2) dispense with the milk and chocolate chip cookies, and 3) tell all the kids in my neighborhood that you don't exist!!!

So make my day and deliver the dandy dude to my doorstep on December 25th. That way we can continue this mutually-beneficial relationship and happiness can be restored to our household (once you also pick up all those supremely stupid gifts you've dropped off over the years. If not I shall have to recycle all of them including: 12 dreadful drummers drumming, 11 picayune pipers piping, 10 ludricrous lords a-leaping, 9 lippy ladies dancing, 8 merry-challenged maids a-milking, 7 sucky-faced swans a-swimming, 6 grubby geese a-laying, 5 fake golden rings, 4 cockamamie calling-birds, 3 frigging French hens, 2 tattle-taling turtle doves and a promiscuous partridge in a pear tree!)

I hope you get the picture loud and clear this year!!!

XXX - A very unhappy ungulate!