How the Positive Thinking Movement Can Harm Survivors of Rape and Sexual Abuse

I'm not a psychologist. I'm certainly not perfect. I write from my years of experience with this type of thinking. I eventually came to the realization that the people preaching it have become what they preach against.

I share my opinions, not what I believe is the right way for everyone. My intention is to explain that the positive-thinking movement, while beneficial to many, is a set of beliefs of the individuals following it, not the one true path to enlightenment.

Like any set of beliefs present in a free society, you have a right to accept them in full or in part or to reject them outright without being made to feel guilty for your choice. Anyone who harangues you about disagreeing with their New-Age beliefs by saying you aren't ready for enlightenment or other such nonsense is no different from an evangelical preacher condemning you to eternal damnation for not accepting the Word.

I relate this idea directly to survivors of rape and sexual abuse because this is my background. But I believe that anyone who has felt that nagging doubt about the latest guru, book, or guest on daytime TV may understand what I have to say.

This hasn't been the easiest thing for me to write. Not only do I share that I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I'm also going against some strongly held beliefs by those who follow positive thinking gurus and the things they sell, i.e. books, workshops and DVDs.

Many of these people are in my own camp, so to speak, as I don't practice a mainstream religion and I used to be heavily entrenched in New-Age thinking. I was also a massage therapist and energy worker for 10 years and dealt with a lot of people in the alternative health field who base their philosophy of healing on some of the principles in this article.

This is not anti-New Age or anti-Christian, so I hope that even if you initially don't want to read this because of my beliefs, that you still push through it. Positive thinking isn't always harmful. I'm a firm believer in healing from trauma the best way you can. I'm merely suggesting that you aren't in denial if you prefer alternatives to positive thinking pushed by people as a dogma that you must follow to be enlightened.

I first became aware of such things back in the early 90s before the current rash of self-help titles extolling the virtue, nay the necessity, of positive thinking. At that time, there were books by Louise Hay such as You Can Heal Your Life and others that laid out how each physical ailment was the result of a mental or greater spiritual problem that could be reversed if only you said the right affirmations and put those bad thoughts out of your mind. If you couldn't, then you were simply addicted to playing the victim. This is known as blaming the victim mentality. This is less obvious than the often used creed "everything happens for a reason" but still can be just as dangerous.

What lent credibility to Hay especially is that she was a survivor of sexual assault and cancer. Apparently, she had cured her pain and suffering through affirmations and wanted the rest of the world to follow her example. But this approach to healing everyone of any disease is simplistic at best and dangerous at worst.

It's healthy for someone who has been a victim to take responsibility for their healing. It seems, however, that the concept of personal responsibility isn't always extended to the perpetrators, or if we are to call them what they really are—the criminals. Crimes do happen for a reason, that being the criminal intent of the perpetrators. In certain circles, survivors are told to keep repeating the mantra "there's a reason for this" as if this awful thing happened to make them stronger or more enlightened. Saying that you must have been raped for some higher reason is a slippery slope downward to taking responsibility for the crime committed against you. This is circular reasoning that only cements in your mind that you deserved to be a victim in the first place.

It would be so easy if there was a magic pill to take or magic book to read to stop all the pain and suffering in the world. But healing is hard work. I haven't figured out all the answers, but I just don't believe that covering problems up with affirmations is one of them that works for everyone.

Survivors—before you pick up that book that promises you the secret or 7 laws to make your life fabulously perfect, please read on. Consider wisely and make the best choice for you based on your situation and not on the expectations of others.

What's the difference between these two concepts?

"Give your sadness to Jesus and all your troubles will go away. If they don't, then you're letting the Devil in." ~ Fundamentalist Christian

"Don't focus on your problems. Put white light around them, be positive and they will disappear. If they don't, then you're hanging on to the darkness." ~ New-Age fad follower

If there's supposed to be a difference, I don't see it. One is just as judgmental and condemning as the other. Yet, I've heard time and again in person and by New-Age gurus on TV barbs against those so-called stupid unenlightened fundies.

Christian evangelists or bible thumpers as they are often called are criticized for using the bible as an excuse to be jerks. Since they believe they are speaking the word of God, they think they can say anything without repercussion. Thus, the criticism they get from outsiders is fair. But positive thinking has become the New-Age bible. Some of the same people who laugh at what they consider ignorant bible thumpers are guilty of the same brand of ignorance. I've seen this play out in several ways:

1. They believe there is more than one path to God; therefore, those who believe in one path are just too stupid to treat with respect.


2. A milder version of #1 which is the belief that religionists are simply lost souls being brainwashed by the Church or corporations.


3. The belief that in order to bring humankind to the next level of advancement they must convince people to start thinking like them.

Sound familiar? This way of thinking can apply to religious fundies or people who believe they're espousing the principles of the New Age. A Christian fundie might say that new-agers are lost souls being led by the Devil (or corporations). It's the same old bull. In the 60s and 70s it was dressed up with love beads and sprayed with patchouli oil. Since then, it's presented in slick packaging usually with words like "laws" and "secret" on the outside.

Bad things happen to good people. Unfortunately (and unbelievably), this bears repeating. When we embrace a blame-the-victim mentality, we move uncomfortably close to excusing the perpetrator's behavior which can even lead to feeling sorry for the criminal. So often, the victim is blamed by family, friends and law enforcement.

I wish I could say that I've experienced this attitude only from people who haven't been raped or abused, but that's not the case. I believe that for some victims, blaming themselves gives them some sense of control over a situation in which they had no control. They could also be repeating to themselves what they've been told by the abuser or family members. Sometimes, survivors are even berated for putting themselves in a dangerous situation. We should all use common sense and stay away from potential danger, but that is never an excuse for rape or abuse.

It's imperative that we stop fostering this mentality. When we don't put the blame where it really lies—on the criminal, then we are fostering an environment that encourages criminality and not taking victims seriously.

In this section, I give you all the answers to be truly happy in life for now and ever more. And if you believe that, you haven't read a word I have written. But I'll give it a try anyway.

• You are not responsible for what a sexual predator did to you. I don't care what you think you did in a past life or how short your skirt was.


• As an adult, you are, however, responsible for your healing. If you choose therapy, you have a right to ask what the therapist's personal beliefs are and choose whether to continue therapy based on that answer.


• There is no one book or idea that will enlighten or heal you.


• I'm sorry, but you are going to have some really crappy days.


• You're not a bad person if you have some really crappy days.


• Anger at someone who committed a crime against you is not wrong, unenlightened, negative or evil. Obsessive extended anger, however, is something that takes up way too much time and emotion and should be dealt with.


• Forgiveness is a choice. When others push you to forgive your abuser, it's usually based on their particular belief system whether it be Christian, New-Age, etc. Don't let anyone bully you into believing that their beliefs should guide your life. You don't owe forgiveness to anyone except yourself. If it helps in your healing to forgive your abuser or it's part of your belief system, then go for it.


• You will have to do some hard work to feel better. It's up to you what that entails.

That will be $20 please. Seriously, these aren't glamorous laws, and I'm not guru material. But you will gradually move away from a victim head space into being a survivor. Please just remember to be discerning in who you listen to. Therapists, authors, gurus, and other survivors may all have their own demons. If something doesn't feel right, and your resistance isn't based on denial, then don't do it.

If you look at my profile, you'll see that I have written articles on different aspects of Paganism. If I had to label myself, I would say that right now I'm a spiritual person interested in all forms of mysticism who practices magic. Therefore, I'm not a skeptic or an atheist. I do believe our thoughts affect how we live. I don't believe this is contrary to the message I'm trying to get across.

I can't speak for all magic practitioners, but I believe magic and positive thinking are tools to affect our consciousness and environment, not a cure. Pagans who believe in magic don't necessarily believe in a simple panacea for all that ails mankind. There is always the possibility of external forces not bending to our will or internal forces causing resistance. This isn't a defeatist attitude. It's practical reality. I believe magicians should take into account all practical considerations. Otherwise, they're living in fantasy land.

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Credits: Opening picture: BarbaraDin, sxc.hu.

Please note that I'm not responsible for the ads that appear on this page. I know how ironic it is that the ads that most likely will come up will be from positive thinking gurus.