Helping kids cope with divorce

- Tell the truth
- Say "I love you"
- Address changes
- Present a united front
- Plan your conversations
- Show restraint
- Listen
- Help them find words for their feelings
- Let them be honest
- Acknowledge their feelings
- Be patient
- Reassure
- Be honest with them
- Never vent negative feelings to your children
- Keep laughing
- With your ex - take it somewhere else and be nice

Talking to your children about your separation and divorce is often the hardest and most emotional step in the process, yet how parents handle this crucial step can set the pattern for future discussions and influence the level of trust children feel in the future.

Telling your children that you are separating or getting a divorce will trigger a variety of responses that can vary from confusion, fear and sadness to anger, guilt and shock. Your children will want to know that you will not abandon them, physically and emotionally.

Take the time to handle this process thoughtfully and carefully. In particular, create a safe environment for these discussions with your children. For example, if there's too much conflict between parents, it's best for only one parent to explain what's going on. Here are some practical suggestions:

-Think in advance about a good time and place to talk to your children. Choose a place where your children will feel comfortable. It's a good idea to have subsequent conversations with each child alone, especially if there is a significant age difference between them. Their abilities to understand the situation and their reactions to the news are quite different.
-Keep in mind that most children would benefit from several shorter talks, rather than receiving all of the information at once.
-If appropriate to the situation, it's best for both of you to be together to tell your children. This will reassure them that they are not being abandoned and that you will cooperate in their future.
-Avoid waiting until the last moment. Contrary to popular belief, delay will not protect children from anxiety.
-Tell children, in general terms, why the separation is taking place. Remember to think about their age and stage of development. Children need to know that separation and divorce is not their fault. In other words, separation and divorce is an adult problem: "Mom and Dad could not find a way to work out our problems or to make things any better. We've made mistakes and we're sorry that we're causing you pain."
-Plan what to say ahead of time. Above all else, be genuine. Depending on the circumstances, here are some messages that may be useful:
"Separation is a grown-up problem and you are not to blame. It is our problem and we will work it out."
"I/we know it seems unfair that these problems cause you pain and unhappiness. I/we wish things were different, too, but they're not, and we all have to work at accepting the changes in our family."
"We won't be living together any more, but we both love you no matter where either of us lives."
"You will always be part of a family."
"I/we want you to say what you feel and think. You may feel worried, angry and hurt. I/we understand because adults often have these same feelings too."
-Give your children lots of opportunities to ask questions and share their thoughts and feelings. Because younger children may be afraid to ask questions or don't yet have enough experience to express their ideas, you may want to raise some questions that may be on their minds. If they are quiet during the discussion, remember that children need time to digest information. Be prepared to revisit the discussion and let them know that you are willing to talk about things as often as they need or want to.

Some children will have suspected a separation. For others, it will come as a complete shock. Children need time to adjust. Although some children may feel relieved that things are finally out in the open, they will still feel vulnerable and insecure. At first, children of all ages may not be able to imagine life without both parents under the same roof, no matter how strained or difficult family life may have been. Parents need to be patient with an unhappy child or youth.

Teenagers have the advantage of a growing maturity and understanding of human relationships. However, this greater understanding makes them aware of how life will change, from housing to disruptions in their school and social life. Therefore, pre-teens and teenagers will worry about how the divorce will affect them - both now and in the future. You can help by encouraging them to talk about their feelings, express disappointment and fears, and give them some say in how to deal with changes likely to occur.

You may be surprised by how much grief your children experience after hearing news of the separation. In some cases, a child's grief is quite profound. This can be very difficult and upsetting to deal with. Being a loving parent means that there are times when you may feel guilt. However, it's important not to let yourself think "I should have done more." As a parent, it's natural to always want to do the best for your children, but feelings of guilt are usually not in your best interests or those of your children. Guilt may add to an already deep sense of personal loss and sadness, and may provoke self-destructive thoughts. Feelings of guilt can also cause us to become defensive and closed to others.

From Public Health Agency of Canada - Because Life Goes On
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/publicat/mh-sm/divorce/2-eng.php

Children tend to do best after separation and divorce when both parents remain involved in their lives. Mothers and fathers are important to children for emotional support, protection, guidance, gender identity and their basic trust and confidence in themselves and in the world. Each parent plays a valuable role in child rearing. The task for children after the separation is to develop a separate relationship with each parent, and to spend time with each of them.

It is not uncommon for a mother or father to have such strong negative feelings about the other parent that she or he feels it is in the best interests of the children to prevent the other person from seeing them. Although this may seem like a natural protective response, it will likely harm your children's emotional growth and development. Of course, sometimes continuing the parent-child relationship is not advisable, or another type of relationship may be necessary (for example, when there is child abuse, spousal abuse or severe psychiatric illness). In those cases, a professional can help you make arrangements that are in the best interests of your children.